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Capital of Nasty Vol. 04 Issue 15
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume IV, Issue 15, AD MCMXCIX
Monday, October 18, 1999
ISSN 1482-0471
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"Stupidity cannot be cured with money, or through education, or by
legislation.
Stupidity is not a sin; the victim can't help being stupid. But
stupidity is the only universal capital crime; the sentence is death,
there is no appeal, and execution is carried out automatically and
without pity."
-- Lazarus Long
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"Always tell her that she's beautiful.
Especially if she's not."
-- Lazarus Long
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1. Editorial
2. In Defence of Ugliness
3. Hey Kids! Smoking is Good For You!
4. Breaking the 1st and 2nd Rules of Fight Club
5. IMPROV actually writes something!
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This week's Golden Testicle award:
Bill Clinton shows Anthony what it's like to have an intern.
http://members.xoom.com/Tadayoshi/bill.jpg
Dumb Laws
http://www.dumblaws.com/
Goat pulling child
http://www.bigrigindustries.com/hoard/
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1. Editorial
By CoN Staff
I decided, since my schedule was not packed to the max as it already
was, to sign for a night course of Hindi. This is so I can finally
understand what my girlfriend's parents are saying. As Jason suggested
to me, I will not let on that I know what they are saying, and discover
their true opinion about me.
Class starts, and it's packed. A quick scan of the room automatically
reveals the type of people they are. I don't mean that I can determine
what kind of person they are just by looking at them, but it's that
first impression thing. Some, I want to kill already.
We are given a sheet with the Hindi alphabet. To get an idea of this,
grab pen and paper, and make various scribbles. Each scribble should
look identical to the others, except for some minor, hard to distinguish
detail in some part.
Give them all a pronunciation where all the letters sound in all the
various ranges of "Duh!" you can think of.
Now memorize this.
The beauty of people that take night courses is that they are there
because they want to be there. It's not like school were you and a
bunch of poor bastards are stuck in Basket Weaving, just because the
Province of Ontario has determined that if you are taking a computer
course, Basket Weaving 101 is a requirement.
No, this people are here because they want to be here, and they will go
ape-shit if even the tiniest most insignificant thing doesn't satisfy.
Take for example Anjit, sitting over there. He claims, first thing as
soon a he enters the class, that he can clearly speak Hindi better than
he can dress. So why are you here? I guess to make a fool of yourself
when it comes to reading some simple gibberish written on the board.
And let's not forget Tim. Yes, that's nice Tim, you went to India
already, and so you can say a total of five words that are completely
irrelevant and useless if you found yourself stranded in the middle of
India after being gang-raped by a bunch of monkeys. There is no need
for you to pull out your gigantic schlong and shove it in the teacher's
face just because you can say "Hello". I can say "Fuck off", but notice
my self control, despite my wish to tell you.
Christine, just because you are not getting any, you don't have to let
your bitterness prevail over the fact of how the letter W sounds when
compared to the letter V.
And so on.
Kalman M. Nanes writes to "Dear Alex":
> Guyz-
> This was the funniest damn thing I've read in a loooooong
> time... good to know somebody else has read that book. Keep
> up the great work!
Jason went through the actual book to write that article, without
resorting, as Jeff later pointed out, that there is a program that does
the translation for you as well. If you care to download the program,
it's here: http://www.capnasty.org/nadsat.zip
IGNORE the HYPE makes our anuses tighten (and especially Tessa's
husband):
> Hey Leo,
> Enjoyed the issue. Jason's guest editorial was good. Here's a
> true custom from Native American Indians that my wife read to
> me from one of her Women's Studies books: when a Native
> American woman was in labour she would lie under a platform
> that the father-to-be stood on. He had a rope tied around his
> testicles and his wife held the end of the rope. Whenever she
> had a contraction she would pull down on the rope so her
> husband could experience the pain with her. No, my wife and I
> did not follow this practice. And yes, that story made my anus
> tighten.
Melissa De Wilde:
> doesn't bi-weekly mean twice a week?
No.
And in our case, it doesn't even mean twice a month.
Enjoy this issue.
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2. In Defence of Ugliness
By Roshni Bajaj
"I look really bad. I want to kill myself and everybody who looks like
me what do I do?"
(Between the lines summary of agony-aunt-column-addict's letter, drawn
from average random lot.)
I really believe that one should do what one really wants to do. Such
advice however can hold you guilty for manslaughter, in this case. So
let's make a sincere effort to make every ugly person in the world smile
stupidly at every reflecting surface.
Remember Sinead O'Connor claim up close and personal (on her hit video
by the same name) - 'nothing compares to you'. It always struck me as
strange that she said that to all who cared to listen, but that's not
what we're discussing here. Look carefully and you will notice that she
has practically no hair. It did not fall out. She shaved it. And for a
pretty profound reason too. Quote. With hair I look so good that people
don't take what I say seriously enough. Unquote.
A really ugly person never has that problem. Neither will you ever hear
anyone say, "Look at me when I speak to you". Not anyone, except maybe
your mother.
You don't threaten anyone. Notice when & how all the women in a room
suddenly pull themselves taller and thinner and often pout that
millimeter more? Look at the doorway. There are chances that a stunner
walked in. If the stunner belongs to the opposite sex, even the men
reflect the ritual, sans the pout.
Walk into a crowded room to try this out. See how comfortable everyone
looks in their skins around you? How happy they are to see you,
irrespective of a bad-hair day? You've got a real gift.
Now talk. People pay attention to what you are saying. Your high
cheekbones do not distract them. Often they are so deeply moved by your
words, they close their eyes and let them sink in. If you get carried
away you may move them to tears.
This gift goes back to your childhood, perhaps? You would have noticed
that you won at classmates' fancy dress that called for shock value.
Sometimes, a little shy and unprepared, you came as you were. Yet, they
loved every minute of your performance. You walked away with the prize.
Even today, when you give in to your little indulgences for fashionable
headgear - people look understanding and compassionate.
Love is not a problem. For you it is real. You come with an in-built
guarantee against fair-weather friends. You will never be a victim of
the superficial and ephemeral 'love at first sight'. You don't need to
ask your spouse "Do you love me?" - he / she does - and it does not
wrinkle with age.
And you look better in the dark, too. You really do!
Participate in interviews, group discussions, contests, competitions.
Get real good at them. They will boost your self-esteem. They will
reassure you and make you more confident. No one, and I'll bet my life-
savings on that, no one will say you won because of a nice face. You
will win because of real talent. Then you will go down on your knees and
thank life for being good to you. It explains why we don't have to
enclose passport sized photographs with our entries and there is justice
in the world.
---
Post-graduate student, writer, photographer and liberal, weird and happy
woman.
-------------------------------------------
3. Hey Kids! Smoking is Good For You!
By Jason MacIsaac
Philip Morris, one of the big tobacco companies down in the US, has just
recently admitted that smoking causes cancer and other diseases.
You ah, probably already knew that. So did Philip Morris I'm sure, but
they and other tobacco companies have been publicly fighting the obvious
conclusion for so long it's tempting to applaud their efforts. After
all, if beauty is truth and truth is beauty, than damn it, we should be
living in a world where things that feel decadent don't harm you, or are
even healthy. If there was a brand of chocolate that tasted great and
caused you to lose weight at the same time, the company that made it
would make so much money that they might consider buying Microsoft as a
tax write-off, and about 95% of the world's population would look
anorexic.
Sadly, reality, the greatest of all oppressors, has crushed the tobacco
companies under its heel. No more creative "scientific evidence."
There aren't too many forces left that fight valiantly for the obviously
lost cause in defiance of all reason. The only other one I can think of
off hand is Madonna, and her tireless crusade to prove that she's a
serious actress. Fight the power sister!
I firmly believe that a lost cause is the only one worth fighting for,
and that a real test of person's dedication and character comes when
they are fighting a battle that they are obviously not going to win.
With that idea in my right hand, and the idea that truth is beauty and
beauty is truth in my left, I'm going to prove that smoking is good for
you.
For the record, I'm a lifetime non-smoker. Both my parents smoked, so I
picked up a good dose of second hand smoke, plus I was conceived in
Sudbury, Ontario (in the shadow of the Big Nickel, if the rumors are
true), which means that my blood is about 33.4% sulphur dioxide. But I
have no pre-existing loyalty to smokers. I'm also not on the payroll of
any large tobacco companies. Though I would sell out in a second if any
one of them would like to pay me a substantial cash donation to publish
my arguments. Any takers?
Where to begin. Well, having worked in a restaurant, I have observed
the behavior of smokers and non-smokers, and I can conclusively say that
the smokers were well on their way to ulcers and heart attacks at the
age of 26, whereas the smokers are as calm and smooth as a sunny day on
a quiet lake.
The non-smokers were the most uptight, anal, and prissy people I have
ever met. Unless the food was in a bottle with one of those foil seals
you see on aspirin bottles, they were worried that someone might have
spilled the restaurant's sample of bubonic plague on their meal. Or
worse, that there might have been human contact with the food. If there
was a visible indication of human intervention, such as a hair or a
thumb print on a bun, immediately they slipped on their oxygen masks and
give themselves 40 booster shots.
Now I prefer that my food not be urinated on too. But trust me, if you
want completely uncontaminated food, then start taking those nifty
nutrient pills NASA hills and never go into a restaurant or a grocery
store again. I'm with the attitude that I just don't want to know what
happened to my food before it gets to my table, as long as there are no
human waste products visible and I don't die immediately after eating.
Those digestive acids in your body can corrode metal, non-smokers.
Believe me, they will have no trouble with the chef's thumb print.
With smokers on the other hand almost anything goes. Fingerprints,
hairs, the prep cook's severed thumb, no problem. They'll much away
happily with nary a complaint, and leave a nice tip too. If the mess is
so extreme that they do complain, they will say "No problem" to their
apologetic server, and calmly light up a cancer stick while they wait
for the severed thumb to be removed. Non-smokers on the other hand
will call 911. And tip? Forget it. Our servers always fought over the
smoking sections because they tipped more there.
Also, if you do adapt smoking as a habit, you can look forward to
quicker promotions, and less work in a day. It's true.
Think about it. In any workplace, there is as percentage of smokers.
These smokers have an addiction that requires a regular fix. So, three
times a day at least, they go for a cigarette. This usually means
leaving the building, as most places in this area at least have
completely banned indoor smoking.
Three times a day, for about 15 minutes each, the smokers go outside,
hang out and chat with other smokers. They're not really doing much,
just talking and smoking, but everybody realizes that they have a habit,
so nobody complains.
Now you non-smokers, try this. In the middle of the work day go outside
and hang out in front of the building for 15 minutes, talking to each
other. Your boss will rip you a new one. Why? Because you're goofing
off. You don't have an addiction, so you should be inside working. At
one of my jobs, seeing how much leisure time the smokers got, I was
thinking of going one better and getting a heroin habit and see how much
time off that gave me. A lot more than a smoker, I'll bet.
So non-smokers can't goof off (unless related to someone in power, in
which case, they can be a heroin addict and it won't matter). They
can't hang out and talk. Boss won't like it. But put a cigarette in
your mouth, and boss will walk right on by.
Unless of course, boss is a smoker too. In which case, sooner or later
boss will stop and light up. Boss can spend half the day smoking, and
so can anyone in their company. They're talking to the boss right?
Which brings us to yet another advantage of being a smoker in the
workplace. If your bosses are smokers, you will have a better chance to
socialize with them. They'll get to know you and you'll get promoted by
virtual of the fact that they're the only employee they've actually
heard of. Always keep extra cigarettes on hand too. If you've got
extras to give away when a boss is jonesing, you're in the boardroom.
For my last point, I will use spin doctor techniques to put certain
unpleasant facts in a more colourful light. Example: smoking will kill
you.
Mysteriously, tobacco companies have been trying to cover up this fact.
I can't for the life of me figure out why. I'd do a whole marketing
campaign around the fact.
As you get older, you start to look back at the younger generation and
you get appalled. I mean lordy lordy lordy, what a bunch of stunned
fuckheads are being passed off as a teenagers today. They said the
same thing when I was a teenager. Even Socrates the great Greek
philosopher was appalled by the youth of his day. I think he might have
used different words than "Lordy lordy, what a bunch of stunned
fuckheads are being passed off as a teenagers today," but it's still the
same old song.
Socrates was right to be appalled too. As am I, as were my elders
looking at my generation. The short definition of "Teenager" is
"stunned fuckhead." I know, I was a teenager, and that's exactly what I
was. But I take gleeful delight in the fact that the generation that
grew up listening to Marilyn Manson is going to turn purple when they
hear whatever noxious slime their kids listen too.
If only I was a smoker. Then I wouldn't have to sit around and watch
what that generation thinks of its kids. As it happens now, I will
probably live that long. If I smoked, I could drastically reduce the
odds of my living so long.
Sooo, do you want to live in an old age home, waiting for some guy you
thought was a stunned fuckhead 30 years ago changing your adult diaper?
No thanks. Hell, tobacco might not be strong enough. Pass the crack
pipe.
With this in mind, why are tobacco companies delicately trying to side-
step the issue? Now they try tactics such as marketing to "People who
like to smoke," a lifestyle choice, as though cigarettes are a brand of
clothing or something. Now if I were in charge of marketing for a
tobacco company, I'd run a series of magazine ads showing teenagers
doing teenage things. Text on the ad: "In thirty years, they'll be
running the country. [Brand Name] Cigarettes. You're Fuckin' A Right
They'll Kill You."
Then I'd change the cigarette carton so that it was shaped like a
coffin.
Well, I think I've done my part in fighting the oppressive forces of
reality for one day. Maybe for my next move against this formidable
foe, I shall argue what a great movie Shanghai Surprise was.
---
Jason MacIsaac was a nice quiet boy. Kept to himself really. The
community was shocked when they found out.
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4. Breaking the 1st and 2nd Rules of Fight Club
by Jeff Wright
Director David Fincher, can now be listed among great directors
such as Stanley Kubrick, Martin Scorsese, and David Lynch. Why?
Because of his latest film, FIGHT CLUB. Fincher's past films were ALIEN
3, SEVEN, and THE GAME. SEVEN and THE GAME were fantastically well
made, and enjoyable films, making Fincher one of my favourite directors.
With FIGHT CLUB, Fincher has made one of film's greatest satires.
FIGHT CLUB is so good, that it could hold its own in a cinematic
fight with DR. STRANGELOVE, or A CLOCKWORK ORANGE (which I consider two
of the best satires ever made, and just happen to have been directed by
Stanley Kubrick). In fact, I think that FIGHT CLUB is a more affective
film, due to the fact that a lot of it is rooted in male instincts,
which seem to be repressed in our everyday lives. STRANGELOVE and
ORANGE are both fantastic, but they aren't as familiar to their audience
as FIGHT CLUB. Most young males know the frustration of being locked up
in a go nowhere job, feeling bored with life. Most of the time, it's
due to our passive actions. We need to do things. To take things. To
live life, not just wade through it. This is the point of FIGHT CLUB.
We shouldn't work so that we can buy a new car, or a new couch.
We should work at what we love. We should work for what we feel. Our
work should be what we need, not the money and possessions is supplies.
Is FIGHT CLUB violent? Yes. Is it violent for the sake of being
violent? No. The violence in FIGHT CLUB isn't about hurting people,
it's about being hurt. It's about getting the shit kicked out of you,
and getting right back up for more. Why? Because it's better than
sitting at a desk all day, not knowing if you're awake or asleep (or for
that matter, caring if you're awake or not). If you're getting the
pissed knocked out of you, you at least know you're alive. You're
experiencing life. The violence in FIGHT CLUB is a wake up call. FIGHT
CLUB, is a wake up call. You come out of the film, pissed off with your
life, knowing you can do better, and motivated to improve how you use
your life.
So FIGHT CLUB is a message film. Message films suck right?
Message films usually contain ideas that aren't even ideas. They're
common knowledge. FIGHT CLUB has actual ideas. Most message films
shove stupid ideas down our throats in pills the size of footballs.
They hit us over the head with the smallest idea, over, and over, and
over again. FIGHT CLUB doesn't hit you over the head with its ideas.
It kicks you in the fucking teeth with them. That's not a bad thing,
since its main message is "Get off your ass and do something!!!". The
viciousness of it's attack is exactly what you need.
FIGHT CLUB is one of the best films I've ever seen, and right now,
is the most important film I've ever seen. It's relevant. Most films I
see aren't. This film hit home, and I love it for that. I encourage
everyone to rush out to see what is the best film to be made in a long
time. It'll probably stay that way for a while too.
---
I am Jeff's broken knuckles.
-------------------------------------------
5. IMPROV actually writes something!
By IMPROV
"And the Oscar for best actor goes to. Kevin Spacey for American
Beauty!" There is my big risky prediction for the spring of 2000.
It has been a very long time since I have had the chance to write
anything for this fine publication.well for CoN at least. But I just
had to make time to let everyone know that for once the mainstream
critics are right.
American Beauty is one of the best films of the decade.
If anyone out there actually reads the craps I writes they know that I
am a hateful man, who doesn't like to like what others like (and has a
wonderful way with words). Prior to this, I had never been touched by a
movie before (which by the way is a new CBS mid season replacement
"Touched By A Movie").
Although the Toronto International Film Festival is not a true
competition, it was voted the best movie of the Fest' by the film fest'
goers.which are the only people who count. But it seems that everyone
else agrees. But who really cares about them.this is my column.
I will not give away any of the plot, I will just say that sometimes
when I see a movie I walk out thinking, "That was good." And that is
it. No more thought about it, the movie was just a way to kill two
hours. When I walked out of American Beauty I was truly stunned, my
girlfriend and I talked about it for hours. I wanted to call all of my
friends and tell them to go see it. NOW. This is a movie that infects
you like a good book, especially if you have any feeling of futility
about yourself or life. Which I do. (That will be another article, by
the way.)
But enough about my sad existence. Go see American Beauty. It is
funny, and thoughtful, and you will take the experience home with you.
---
Listen to IMPROV on Edge 102 with Humble and Fred as Bingo-Bob.
(Shameless self-plug).
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Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine "media you can abuse"
In memory of Father Ross "Padre" Legere
Published every second Monday (or when we get around it)
Disclaimer: unintentionally offensive
Comments, queries and submissions are welcome
http://www.capnasty.org ISSN 1482-0471
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