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Capital of Nasty Vol. 01 Issue 21
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume I, Issue XXI, Year AD MCMXCVI
Monday, November 11th, 1996
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1. Reader's Letters
A. "Do you think you're funny?" - Revisions
B. Macarena Translated
2. The meaning of life, 42, a quarter and the Creamery Support Room
3. Friends
4. A personal response.
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1. Reader's Letters.
A. "Do you think you're funny?" - Revisions
Date sent: Mon, 4 Nov 1996 00:44:39 -0500 (EST)
From: Alessia <alexis.roettinger@yale.edu>
To: Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro <leandro@ifront.com>
Subject: Re: Capital of Nasty, Volume I, Issue XX, Year AD MCMXCVI
I have three quick things to say.
I'm sorry it takes a week for me to make these corrections.
> > >(and please don't respond with the entymology of the word.) And I have
That should be etymology.
> scary studies showing how a crew will follow the captain's advice, even
> when it's clearly long. Interesting stuff, but not related to this.)
oops. Wrong. Not sure where long came from.
> one. If he had hit the hydro pole, he or that child would certainly be
> dead. I won't even consider what might happen if the pole fell down.
What's a hydro pole? A fire hydrant?
That's it.
Thanks
Alex
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
B. Macarena Translated
Date sent: Sun, 3 Nov 1996 21:41:46 -0800
From: hoomans@ix.netcom.com (HOOMAN SHAHLAVI)
Subject: Re: Capital of Nasty, Volume I, Issue XX, Year AD MCMXCVI
To: "Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro" <leandro@ifront.com>
You wrote:
>4. Macarena Translated
>
> Dance to shitty music stupid Americans!
[..cut..]
> Stupid americans will have sex with a llama
> Why is the llama named Vitronio?
Hmmmmmm....my Spanish is not optimal, but I do believe that the
author of this rubbish may have mistranslated a few lines of the
song. First of all, it's not just the Americans who are dancing
to the stupid song (I somehow recall seeing a Serie A Italian Soccer
team doing the dance after they score a goal). Second, whoever wrote
the "translation" should definitely not go into poetry or songwriting
as a career; their utter lack of immagination and poetic creativity
leaves me numb! "They compare their asses with their faces" is
especially noteworthy; I don't think I've heard anything that
eloquent since the seventh grade.
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2. The meaning of life, 42, a quarter and the Creamery Support Room
I was over at Colin's house, watching TLC, about this
guy that realized he was really a woman, and at his High School
reunion, showed up as a man dressed like a woman. We were
laughing our heads off thinking of a reunion in our high school,
and who would've been the person that showed up with a sex change.
So we sat there, watching this shit, with nothing better
really to do, other then to bitch and complain about life, when
suddenly:
"I have this program" says Colin "that translates from
English to Italian and viceversa".
"Coolness! Let's try it!"
We run to his room, load the program and quickly I start typing
obscene comments. What better way to test software?
The first thing that I typed was "dear scum bag". We translated
it into Italian, and then from Italian back into English. We
got a completely new phrase: "dear purse of the layer of dirt".
We looked at each other with an evil sparkle in our eyes.
"Let's get one of those old articles of the original
CoN issues and see how it turns out!" I eagerly said to Colin.
The results made completely no sense, but made us laugh like
maniacs. What will follow is the original version in English
and the translated version.
A little introduction:
DiPede was our Math/Computer OAC teacher. He had a severe
dandruff problem and was a very serious believer (about God, not
about dundruff).
Yvon & Sparky: two of our classmates. The kind of people
that at the time made us look at each other and say "weeeeird".
Yvon still does.
269 Coxwell Ave. is where No Frills, the store where I
work at, is located. A quarter is used in No Frills to free
the shopping carts (called buggies) that are all chained with
each other. Please, don't ask me to explain this.
42 is obviously the meaning of life. If you don't know
that, you should be ashamed of yourself. Remember: never ever
throw the letter Q in a rivet bush.
Understanding the Universe with a Quarter
It has always been said that the meaning of life, the
universe, and everything is 42. Or rather, the answer to the
question is 42, but without the question 42 remains just a number
and really, I think we are still stuck at the same point of where
we started, but I'm sure Dipede by shaking his head and rearranging
the dundruff particles scattered on his desk, could find some sort
of plausible answer to the meaning of life, by confusing even God
himself. (Note 1: CofN does not use political correctness in any
way. If you got a problem because I used HIMself and HERself for
God, do me a favour: bite me.). But let's return to the universe
and how a quarter can solve it for us. It's not really a matter
of the number 25, nor we can solve EVERY question with it, however
I am pretty sure that we can determine many things, such as "why
does Yvon and Sparky share the same spot in the universe as we do?"
- -- I frankly think that is a very important question, much more
dramatic then "who am I?" .. if you don't know who you are, you have
serious problems, and we suggest you go see your doctor asap. Many
of you will be asking "but how can you answer some questions of the
universe with a quarter? That's impossible!" But here comes the
second burst of logic (before I can explain the first). You see,
possible things seem to happen less often then impossible things.
Hence a) possible things are harder to occur the impossible things,
which b) impossible things occur more often then possible things,
while c) miracles occur even more often then possible things, however
with a little less chance then impossible things. How can that be
possible? Well, being impossible, it's possible. Now, one more thing,
before we can define what the universe is, where does it spin?
If it spins, it has a center somewhere out there. I found where it
spins. It spins at 269 Coxwell Ave, in the front doors, where all
the shopping carts are parked. That is the center of the Universe.
The people that have built No Frills there did not know at the time,
and still probably don't, that by placing the cart's section right there
have caused a paradox and shifted the center of the universe. The
quarter is the mechanism that allows a customer to set one of the carts
free and to wheel it around the store. They are causing more paradoxes
and making the whole area magnetically charged to positrons and negatrons
which, if used correctly, after the somministration of the gases produced
by little green vegetabels that develop on the floor of the dairy back
room, permit a better view and understand of the concepts in creating
the universe itself. I hope this helps all of you people confused
out there. Try this, but not at home.
Next week we will deal with building the Time Machine and
for party ice breakers, a 2 megaton nuclear bomb that you can build
yourself with some spare time.
Here is the re-translated version. I'd just like to understand
where it got "horseback riding" from and how did "dairy back room"
turn into the "creamery support room":
He/she/it/you has been told always that the meaning of life, the
whole, and all is 42. Or rather, the response to the question is
42, but without the question 42 correct leftovers a number and
really, I think have stuck out still to the same point of where
we have started, but I/they am sure Dipede for shake his head and
you/he/she/it rearrange the particles of the dundruff they have
besprinkled on his writing desk, he/she/it/you could find some kind
of response of the[ plausibility to the meaning of life, for confuse
equal God he. (Note 1: CofN doesn't use political correctness in any
by. If he/she/it/you has obtained a problem because I have used it
and you for God, he/she/it/you does me a favour: bite I.). But we return
to the universe and he/she/it/you like a quarter could resolve it for
we. He/she/it/you is not really a subject of the number 25, nor that
we could resolve EACH question with him, however I/they am fairly sure
that we could determine many things, such like "because Do Yvon and
Sparky share the same he/she/it/you stain in the universe like do
we do?" --- frankly thinks that it is a very important question, very
more dramatic then "that am I?." if doesn't he/she/it/you know that is
he/she/it/you, does he/she/it/you have serious problems, and we suggest
it go horseback riding he/she/it/you sees your asap of the doctor.
Many I/you/he/she/it of you ask "but like he/she/it/you can answers to
some questions of the whole with a quarter? That is impossible!" But
he/she/it/you here comes the second burst of logic (before I could
explain the first). he/she/it/you sees, possible things seem to
happen minus often then impossible things. From now a) possible
things are harder happen the impossible things, which b) impossible
things happen thicker then possible things, during c) miracles happen
equal thicker then possible things, however with a small minus case
then impossible things. Like that he/she/it/you is possible? Then,
impossible being, he/she/it/you is possible. Now, a more thing,
before could we characterize that that the universe is, where does
he/she/it/you do line? If line, he/she/it/you has a center in any
place out there. I have founded where he gyrations. Line to 269
Coxwell Ave, in the front doors, where all I/you/he/she/it acquire
to him carry with a wagon have parked. That is the center of the
Universe. The people that they have not built Collar they there have
not known to the time, and still probably doesn't do, that for put the
bureau of her I dolly to put right there I/you/he/she/it cause a
paradox and he/she/it/you has moved the center of the universe. The
quarter is the clockwork that allows a customer put the of the buggies
free and he do turn about the shop. They cause paradoxes more and
creation the magnetically of the area all has charged to positrons
and negatrons which, if used correctly, after the somministration
he/she/it/you of the gasolines has caused from small vegetabels
green that develops on the floor of the creamery supports room,
license a better sight and he/she/it/you understands of the concepts
in create the universe he. I hope that this helps all of you people
they have confused out there. This proves, but not home.
Next week will treat the Car of the Time to building and
I/you/he/she/it for get-together freeze breaker, a the nuclear bomb of 2
megaton that he/she/it/you could build you with some time of refill.
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3. Friends.
Two friends were travelling together when they were
suddenly set upon by a bear. One man quickly took off up a
tree, hiding himself among the branches. The other seeing
that he had no chance of escape, fell flat on the groud and
pretended to be dead. The bear came up and felt the man
with his snout and soon left believe his ruse. When the bear
was out of sight the other man descended from the tree and
jokingly asked his friend what the bear had whispered in his
ear. "well, he gave me some advice; be careful of friends who
leave you in the lurch."
- Sensei
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4. A personal response. by Leandro
Alessia (alexis.roettinger@yale.edu) wrote:
> If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, then humor must be in
> the ear of the listener. Which means *I* (we) am (are) the
> judge(s), and you are not funny.
This was Alessia's response to what Jason MacIsaac had
written about the chain letters. While we live in a country
where there is freedom of speech, sometimes that freedom is
taken advantage of. With what right can she claim that (we)
(are) judge(s), and that he is not funny? She is the only
one that complained.
Text with three >>> is from Alessia (alexis.roettinger@yale.edu)
Text with two >> is from Jason MacIsaac (jason@ifront.com)
Text with one > is from Alessia (alexis.roettinger@yale.edu)
>>> Do you think you're smart?
>> Yes.
>>> You may be, but no one appreciates this stuff.
>> Leandro liked it enough to publish it in his magazine.
> That doesn't mean he liked it. He may have included it b/c he
> thought it was ridiculous and wanted everyone else to see how
> pathetic you are.
Just because what he wrote did not appeal to your ear,
it doesn't mean that he is pathetic. Alessia, did you take a look at
the stuff that gets published in CoN? It ranges from serious, to
weird in the same issue. In CoN we are not here to show how pathetic
people are, but to show our creativity. It takes a certain amount of
guts to write something original, and send it to a magazine like
this one. Flaming someone, like you did, takes no effort what-so-ever.
If you can't laugh, how can you enjoy anything?
Leandro+
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