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Capital of Nasty Vol. 01 Issue 15
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume I, Issue XV, Year MCMXCVI AD
Monday, September 29th, 1996
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1. Readers and abortion.
2. Golden Roach Award.
3. Men-Women relationships.
4. A moon with a star.
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1. Readers and abortion.
Date sent: Wed, 25 Sep 1996 18:23:09 -0700
To: rakam@io.org
From: rava@jb.com (Melissa)
Subject: Re: Capital of Nasty, Volume I, Issue XIV,
>Remember, life is a gift, a miracle. An
>abortion is just as bad as killing someone. I do
>not care if the body is yours and you do whatever
>you like with it. Next time use a condom. Do as
>you wish, but remember that if there is a God,
>that he saw you all this time.
Fuck you. You would do well to remember that if there
is a God, he has told us not to judge the actions of
others. Save it for Armageddon and mind your own damn
business. Those of us who don't believe in God and
happen to recognize that this world is grossly
over-populated will continue to do the right thing
in taking whatever steps necessary to avoid exacerbating
the population problem. Life ain't so fucking precious
when you don't have space, food, or resources to
support it.
The stuff about Star Trek was pretty damn funny, though.
Cheers,
Melissa/Rava
--
Capital of Nasty welcomes your opinions,
and other readers rebuttals. Remember, this
is all meant in good fun and for the purpose
of exchanging information.
Support Freedom of Speech.
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2. Golden roach award goes Wycik's 3M
When Annie Bresnahan moved into
apartment 3M in the Neill-Wycik co-operative, the
odor of feces and rotting meat were her only
welcome.
"There was cat shit and urine under the bed
and the vent was full of cat feces," she says.
"There were flying bugs coming out of the
kitchen sink.
"There was black gunk coming out of the
drain in the bathtub. It was full of water with bits of
garbage floating in it.
"The freezer had bloody meat in it because
it had been unplugged," she said.
Bresnahan is in first year culinary
management at George Brown college. This was
her first time moving away from home. She cried for
hours and her parents spent the entire day cleaning
up.
She says it took two weeks and an angry
phone call from her parents before management
finally had her apartment professionally cleaned.
And it still has problems.
The sofa in the living room is broken-down.
Several desk drawers are broken, jammed, or
missing. Some of the windows are missing drapes
and screens.
Apartment 3M is in the "new" part of Neil
Wycik, built in 1987.
In 1995, $3 million was put into renovating
the older parts of the building. But the "new,"
unrenovated apartments are still $40 more
expensive than the "old" ones.
Gerneral Manager Lynn Nagasuye says
she's trying to change the rents, but she can't do it
alone.
Since it's a co-op, residents vote on rent
increases at the annual general meeting in
February.
That's no consolation for Bresnahan, who
pays $382 for her unit.
"What's the extra $40 for? I've asked that
so many times. They say this is the new wing. I
don't see what's so new about it," she said.
--Kate Jaimet, The Ryersonian
(The Golden Roach Award is given weekly to
students with the worst apartments.)
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3. Men-Women in Relationships
SHE DRIVES FOR A RELATIONSHIP.
HE'S LOST IN THE TRANSMISSION
By DAVE BARRY
CONTRARY to what many women believe, it's fairly
easy to develop a long-term stable, intimate,
and mutually fulfilling relationship with a guy.
Of course this guy has to be a Labrador retriever.
With human guys, it's extremely difficult. This
is because guys don't really grasp what women mean
by the term relationship.
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a
woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie;
she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few
nights later he asks her out to dinner, and
again they enjoy themselves. They continue to
see each other regularly, and after a while
neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home,
a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really
thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that,
as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for
exactly six months?''
And then there is silence in the car.
To Elaine, it seems like a very loud
silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder
if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's
been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe
he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind
of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't
sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not
so sure I want this kind of relationship, either.
Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd
have time to think about whether I really want us
to keep going the way we are, moving steadily
toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we
just going to keep seeing each other at this
level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage?
Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I
ready for that level of commitment? Do I really
even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: . . . so that
means it was . . . let's see . . . February when
we started going out, which was right after I
had the car at the dealer's, which means . . .
lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way
overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can
see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this
completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our
relationship, more intimacy, more commitment;
maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed
it -- that I was feeling some reservations.
Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so
reluctant to say anything about his own
feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna
have them look at the transmission again. I
don't care what those morons say, it's still
not shifting right. And they better not try
to blame it on the cold weather this time.
What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and
this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage
truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
COMMUNICATIONS GAP
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry.
And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too.
God, I feel so guilty, putting him through
this, but I can't help the way I feel.
I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll
probably say it's only a 90-day warranty.
That's exactly what they're gonna say, the
scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm
just too idealistic, waiting for a knight
to come riding up on his white horse, when
I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good
person, a person I enjoy being with, a
person I truly do care about, a person who
seems to truly care about me. A person who
is in pain because of my self-centered,
schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty?
They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn
warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick
it right up their ...
''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.
''What?'' says Roger, startled.
''Please don't torture yourself like this,''
she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears.
''Maybe I should never have . . . Oh God, I feel so ...''
(She breaks down, sobbing.)
''What?'' says Roger.
''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know
there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly.
There's no knight, and there's no horse.''
''There's no horse?'' says Roger.
''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.
''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the
correct answer.
''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need
some time,'' Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking
as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe
response. Finally he comes up with one that he
thinks might work.)
''Yes,'' he says.
A BEFUDDLED BEAU
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.
''What way?'' says Roger.
''That way about time,'' says Elaine.
''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his
eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what
she might say next, especially if it involves
a horse. At last she speaks.)
''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.
''Thank you,'' says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a
conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn,
whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he
opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and
immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun
of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians
he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far
recesses of his mind tells him that something
major was going on back there in the car,
but he is pretty sure there is no way he would
ever understand what, and so he figures it's better
if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's
policy regarding world hunger.)
IT'S ANALYSIS TIME
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or
perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this
situation for six straight hours. In painstaking
detail, they will analyze everything she said and
everything he said, going over it time and time
again, exploring every word, expression, and
gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every
possible ramification.
They will continue to discuss this subject, off and
on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any
definite conclusions, but never getting bored
with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day
with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause
just before serving, frown, and say:
''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?''
We're not talking about different wavelengths here.
We're talking about different planets, in completely
different solar systems. Elaine cannot communicate
meaningfully with Roger about their relationship
any more than she can meaningfully play chess
with a duck. Because the sum total of Roger's
thinking on this particular topic is as follows:
Huh?
But the point I'm trying to make is that, if you're
a woman, and you want to have a successful
relationship with a guy, the No. 1 tip to remember is:
1. Never assume that the guy understands that you and
he have a relationship. The guy will not realize this
on his own. You have to plant the idea in his brain
by constantly making subtle references to it in your
everyday conversation, such as:
- - -- ''Roger, would you mind passing me a Sweet 'n' Low,
inasmuch as we have a relationship?''
- - -- ''Wake up, Roger! There's a prowler in the den
and we have a relationship! You and I do, I mean.''
- - -- ''Good News, Roger! The gynecologist says we're
going to have our fourth child, which will serve as
yet another indication that we have a relationship!''
- - -- ''Roger, inasmuch as this plane is crashing
and we probably have only about a minute to live,
I want you to know that we've had a wonderful 53
years of marriage together, which clearly constitutes
a relationship.''
Never let up, women. Pound away relentlessly at this
concept, and eventually it will start to penetrate the
guy's brain. Some day he might even start thinking
about it on his own. He'll be talking with some
other guys about women, and, out of the blue, he'll say,
''Elaine and I, we have, ummm . . .We have, ahhh
. . . We . . . We have this thing.''
And he will sincerely mean it.
The next relationship-enhancement tip is:
2. Do not expect the guy to make a hasty commitment.
By ''hasty,'' I mean, ''within your lifetime.'' Guys
are extremely reluctant to make commitments.
This is because they never feel ready. ''I'm sorry,''
guys are always telling women, ''but I'm just not
ready to make a commitment.'' Guys are in a permanent
state of nonreadiness. If guys were turkey breasts,
you could put them in a 350-degree oven on
July Fourth, and they still wouldn't be done
in time for Thanksgiving.
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4. A moon with a star.
I just walked into the subway station
started heading downstairs when I see the train
at the platform. I was about to dash for it,
when I recalled what Jason, my editor at work told me
"Why bother running for it? If we run we are not
going to make it and we look stupid, and if we
walk towards it we got a bigger chance of making it."
So I kept walking towards it, and of course, the train
closed the doors and left. I sat there thinking
"Gee, I'm smart, I bet that if I ran I would've
caught it". To punish me for saying that, the next
train arrived, and it was nice and empty. I sat
down, and began to have a deep silent conversation
with myself about the guy sitting in front of me.
"Now why" I would ask myself "would you want to
wear sandals and a leather jacket at the same
time?". As I sat there, mesmerized by this guy's
sandals, someone walked really fast in front of me
and placed a key-chain in my hands. Attached to
the key-chain a small cardboard sign read:
"I'm deaf and I make this key-chains that glow
in the dark. Will you help me by buying this
from me? Thank you.". What shocked me even
more was the picture on the key-chain. It was
identical to the drawing I had made a long
while back: a smiling moon embracing a tiny
little star. It brought back so many memories
that I shared with a friend of mine in Italy.
When the man came back to collect his key-chains,
I bought the one that I had. I looked in his
hands and he had several other designs, but none
like this one. What were the chances?
If I had run to catch that first train, I would've
missed this completely, all those memories
would've been left untouched.
I mailed the key-chain to my friend in Italy.
Leandro
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