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Capital of Nasty Vol. 03 Issue 02
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume III, Issue 2, AD MCMXCVIII
Monday, January 26th, 1998
ISSN 1482-0471
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"Always pessimistic or always realistic? Realistic. Sorry,
always changing, tis the way of things. Without change, there is no
growth. Growth encourages love. Love is life. I want to live".
-J.P.
-------------------------------------------
"I don't get it. How come an airplane heading from Canada to
Australia has to fly over Europe? On the map it seems shorter the
other way. Why can't it go the other way?"
"I think it's because the world is really flat. Yeah, that's
it. It's a conspiracy. It's the government that starts to brainwash
you at school".
-------------------------------------------
1. Editorial
2. Birthdays, Greek food and other strange stories
3. Weird sex laws.
4. POEM: Tempo for tears (In Stereo)
5. Bill Gates and IE
-------------------------------------------
This week's Golden Testicle award:
Bubba's Collection of BBQ Potato Chips
http://members.aol.com/gbeason/bbqchips.html
-submitted by Mike Sousa
-------------------------------------------
1. Editorial
by Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro
ASK CAPITAL OF NASTY. Since we think that we know so much and we
are all bloated in our ego being the editors of a zine, we'd like to
propose a new section: ASK CoN. Do you have a particular question
that needs answering? Want to know what ingredients are needed in
making a bomb? Is there a God? Send us your drivel, we'll do our
best to enlighten you and show you how well we learned to bullshit in
school.
Instead of my usual ranting in the editorial, I'll take the rest of
this space to answer some of the e-mails I have received. Although it
has been two weeks since I have returned from my vacation, I seem still
unable to reduce the amount of unread letters in my inbox. The more I
read, the more I find waiting for me.
The first piece of e-mail I received was from a guy named Jeroen van
Haperen from the Netherlands:
> Hi
> I'm Jeroen and I would also like to win that Coglione D'Oro !!
> On your pages I couldn't find someplace to submit my page
> So I guess this is the way to do it
>
> My Page
> Url : http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Studio/3323/
> Title: Donald Duck Ate My Balls!!
> This is not just an other ate-my-balls page,.... This is THE
> ate my balls page!! Check it out!
>
> I Hope you think it is good enough!! ThX
Dear Jeron, thank you for your interest in winning our coveted Golden
Testicle. Unfortunately I have to inform you that CoN cannot just give
our award out to anybody. Our "Golden Testicles" are superb pieces of
art and a prestigious and renown symbols of glory that we give only to
a selected few. And also, we've already awarded the "Mega Ate My Balls
Page", we can't actually go and award each one of the "So-and-so Ate my
Balls page". Don't get me wrong, it's not that your page is not good,
it's that... actually, who am I trying to fool. Your page blows buddy.
Big time. You want to know if I think it's good enough? Here is my
answer: it's the biggest piece of shyte I've seen this far. It's such
a sad page, it ain't even funny. I hope someone does an "Ate my
balls" page just on you. So long buddy.
---
Jon Wagner describes himself as a "one of those silent persons,
rarely commenting in writing on things that even bug the hell out of
me....". However, this time he has a comment:
"I can't understand why it's the "in" thing to bash Gates/Microsoft -
the very duo who has given us something constructive vs: hackers who
only destroy. Perhaps it's just keen to attack success".
Microsoft products take technology that has existed for the past 15
years in other operating systems, like Linux and they make it sound
like it's the newest thing on the block. I guess my attacks on Windows
is how far behind they are compared to the rest of the world and of all
the time that it's wasted at work in rebooting a computer after it
crashes. Other people are jealous of their market share. Other are
just pure envious that a guy like Gates made it this far. People like
me are pissed off that we get to work with such a shitty environment,
unreliable and inefficient when there are other operating systems like
Linux. Linux unfortunately is probably the only operating system used
by the hacking community, since it lacks the easy-to-use interface we
are so accustomed with Microsoft products. Whatever the reason for so
much Gates bashing, I got to give the guy credit, he's probably patting
himself on the ass right now.
BTW, for hackers I mean someone who enjoys taking his Kernel apart,
modifying his operating system, but not doing any harm to anyone else's
system. A cracker is someone who breaks into other systems causing
damage.
"I came out with the first do-it-yourself pad-making kit and some
people complain about it. My comment to them always is: Why don't you
just make one of your own if you're so goddamned smart? <LOL>"
Capital of Nasty received one of Jon Wagner's pad-making kits as a
gift. Although my first attempt in making a pad resulted in gluing it
to the table, my next attempts got better and better as I tried. Go
to an arts store, buy yourself a custom made stamp, and voila`, you
can make pads for your non-profit organization at a reasonable price.
You can check it out at http://www.padmakr.com or you can e-mail Jon
Wagner at padmakr@gte.net for further info. Yes, this probably sounds
like advertising, but Jon was so nice to send us a sample for free,
it's the least we could do.
---
Jonathan Wheat will not be reading his reply since he had to
unsubscribe. The reason for doing so is explained in his message:
> CoN Staff,
>
> I am currently subscribed to this list, and my workplace has since
> determined that any "non-work-related" email messages are a problem,
> so I need to be removed.
For the sake of Mr. Wheat, I will not mention what company he works
for, but I do have to say that they are all a bunch of stiffs. How
can "non-work related" e-mails be a problem? Most likely his manager
enjoys reading his worker's e-mails, and just wants to be sure he
doesn't have to go through too much stuff.
---
In CoN III.1, I wrote in the editorial:
> I've received some "complains" since the last two CoNs were not
> sent out. The reason they were not sent out was because we were
> all busy in our laborious lives. Our apologies to all those that
> wrote, and also, if I haven't replied to your e-mails yet. I will
> be doing that shortly.
Dave (also known as Odessius Knight on The Island Retreat BBS) replied:
> Heh heh heh....well belated Merry christmas....and happy 98.....and
> tell the folks who complained that they should kiss yer butt, as you
> put out a great publication, and even still, you DO have a life....:)
>
> Please keep up the GREAT work......
Thank you Dave. Not only for your kind words of appreciation of our
humble zine, but also for proving that there is indeed more than one
person out there, that reads my boring editorials. =)
---
The last fan mail from Elodette but signed from Philitsa, informs us
that Desiderata (the article titled "I have this poster on my wall" on
CoN III.1) "is written by Max Ehrmann".
"P.S. I love your stuff". Thank you Philitsa, it's nice to know that
CoN is appreciated by our readership.
Talking about being appreciated, here are two nasty e-mails I have
received. Now the following messages might make no sense to anyone
unless you have received a private reply from me. Let me explain: when
you reply to a message and you quote their message, an header appears
at the top of the quoted text. It usually says something like "On
such-and-such-a-date so-and-so wrote:". Mine is a little different,
it says: "On This Day, in the Year of Our Lord on such-and-such-a-date,
so-and-so wrote:". It's nothing bad right?
> Send reply to: <johnpmcwilliams@worldnet.att.net>
> From: "John P. McWilliams" <johnpmcwilliams@worldnet.att.net>
> To: leandro@capnasty.org
> Subject: Re: [eZines]: What makes a zine
> Date sent: Thu, 4 Dec 1997 12:16:48 -0800
>
>
> I thought I was subscribing to a list concerning
> zines; I didn't expect to run headlong into religious
> propaganda. If it persists then I do have
> the wrong list and will depart immediately.
> Please do have the courtesy to keep religious
> statements to yourself; I believe I am
> capable of thinking on own terms, and not what
> you expect me to think or fantasize.
> John
> >> On This Day, in the Year of Our Lord 4 Dec 97 at 0:49, Otis
I thought it was a remote case of some freak having gone bezerk.
Shortly after that one arrived, this came screaming in my mailxbox:
> From: Stoxpert <Stoxpert@aol.com>
> Date sent: Sun, 18 Jan 1998 09:14:57 EST
> To: leandro@capnasty.org
> Subject: Re: [eZines]: indexing your zine site
> Organization: AOL (http://www.aol.com)
>
> In a message dated 98-01-17 23:34:34 EST, you write:
>
> <<
> On This Day, in the Year of Our Lord 17 Jan 98 at 22:09, Zadeezabeth
> wrote:
> >>
>
> Cut out the YEAR OF OUR LORD stuff, would you please?
Now, I care about religion as much as I care about the weather on
Mars. I don't see how that little insignificant header up there could
cause so much grief. Au contraire, I thought of it as a very powerful
satirical statement, mocking both religion and a type of government
that was in our Christian society not too long ago. What bothers me
the most is that this complains come from Editors of other zines. You
would think they would be a little more open minded then your average
net-citizen. I'm just afraid to think what I'll turn like when I'll be
their age.
If your e-mail doesn't appear here, please don't freak. Either I
didn't get around to it or it wasn't meant for the Editorial staff.
When you reply to an article, mail still arrives in our mailboxes.
We take the freedom of forwarding those e-mails to the appropriate
authors who will eventually (I hope) answer you.
We look forward to your comments, so please feel free to send in your
words of wisdom to our editorial address by hitting reply to this issue
or by writing to: con@capnasty.org. Have a great one.
-------------------------------------------
2. Birthdays, Greek food and other strange stories
Top Ten Things That Suck About Turning 22 in 1998
By IMPROV
10. Can no longer get away with using the word suck to describe things
that suck.
9. No excuse for believing that wrestling is real.
8. Surfing the net for porn just isn't quite as fun when it's legal in
all 50 states.
7. It's officially illegal for me to be attracted to Sabrina the
Teenage Witch.
6. I've survived, and remember, a time when Bob Ucker had a hit
primetime sitcom.
5. Oldest non-senior citizen working the front line at McD's.
4. That attraction to Catholic girls in kilts is becoming a little
suspect.
3. No longer see the comedic genius in Andrew Dice Clay's earlier work.
2. That killer Alf impression dosen't go over well at parties anymore.
1. Held a Sweet 22 Party, but no one showed up.
The two stories that follow were written in typical special moments
when you feel that your creativity has either reached a peak, or you
are feeling so out of your mind, that you end up giggling about the
tablecloth. This state is either reached with a constant lack of
sleep, something which we are experts at, or with the aid of other
products, which are scientifically approved by CoN scientists.
Birthdays
By Leandro
I was standing in front of the coat-check-in place. The girl said
something, but I couldn't hear her. My hears were buzzing. The only
clear sound was being picked up by my stomach each time the bass was
blasting through the entire building. The girl opened her mouth again,
but nothing came out. Or something probably did, but I still couldn't
hear her. I assumed she wanted the ticket for the coat. I fumbled
with my wallet, stuck in the back-pocket of my pants, finally pulled
it out and gave it to her.
With a smile I said "Sorry, I can't hear a word you're saying" but she
didn't laugh.
She didn't laugh. She didn't even smile.
Wasn't it funny? I thought it was funny.
Oh well, what would she know.
I grabbed my coat, found the right sleeve for the right arm and put
it on. Somehow, although with a little difficulty, I managed to pull
myself on the handrail and walk back upstairs. I thought about going
to work on Monday.
Work. Monday. I think I will look like shit.
I wanted to stay more, but my body was screaming for me to stop
dancing. I had been up since 6 AM. It was now 8 AM.
No, it was 2 AM. The watch was still 6 hours ahead, but for some
reason I couldn't figure out why.
I didn't want to go, even if at one point I felt like I had smoked a
big fat joint, or I was in one of those psychedelic movies where you
hear a lot of incomprehensible noise, see a lot of coloured lights,
you can't make sense of anything around and everything is spinning.
Except that nothing was spinning.
I kept on staring at the dietician. She had a name at one point, but I
lost it between a Rye and a Beer. I could only think of her as one of
those girls that are not particularly attractive but grab your
attention, but your conscience keeps on reminding you that you are
taken already.
Not a good thing. Not a good thing having your conscience playing
tricks on you all because of a pair of bouncing breasts, that is.
Someone grabbed my breast. I turned around and I didn't know if she
was good enough for me, or I was good enough for him.
"That's it" I thought.
"I'm fucked" and as I stared in everybody's eyes, without ever
achieving the correct focus I heard myself say "I better leave".
And I did.
Greek food
Based on the notes scribbled by Colin and Leandro
PAPE AND MORTIMER - It's 1:30 in the morning. We're stuck in a Greek
restaurant, playing loud Greek music. Music. More like the loud
whaling of a goat being attacked by some lonely shepherd up in the
mountain. It takes 15 minutes, or an average of four Greek songs for
the cook to make our shees-ka-bobs.
Upbeat, we decide to sit down. The place looks like it hasn't changed
since the seventies. My untrained ear cannot tell if the whaling.. er
the songs are current or the Greek version of "Saturday Night Fever".
The plastic green tables, the shit brown chairs, the light brown
curtains, the oil in the pan, the drive in sign, the plastic flowers
next to our table. It feels as if it has been in there for ages.
A guy is complaining to our Greek cook about the miserable amount of
fries he's got. We glance at him. He's your typical punk that has
nothing to do in a dead neighbourhood like this, other than to come
and order a Gyro with Tzatziki sauce. He was alone. Maybe his
friends were home over an indigestion of Baklava`. Maybe not.
The cook had a breaded complection. He just kept the same face, almost
if made with the same material used for the plastic plants. He just
kept on grinning as he flipped our chunks of meat on the fire and the
punk kept on bitching.
Sitting behind the punk, three older man were looking at the punk. They
were waiting for the cook to continue their card game. The punk was
just wasting precious time. Maybe they wanted to blow the guy away,
but us two were too much of a crowd.
The Christmas ornaments have been up since 1973, but nobody notices them
except during the Christmas holidays. It is still a mystery nobody can
explain.
I'm glad we've ordered our Souvlaki to go.
-------------------------------------------
3. Weird Sex Laws
by Ovi (http://www.ovis.com)
A law in Fairbanks, Alaska does not allow moose to have sex on city
streets.
In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex
without a permit.
In Florida it is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to
parachute on Sunday afternoons.
If a police officer in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, suspects a couple is having
sex inside a vehicle they must honk their horn three times, and wait two
minutes before being allowed to approach the scene.
Women must address bachelors as master instead of mister, according to
an Illinois state law.
A law in Oblong, Illinois makes it a crime to make love while fishing or
hunting on your wedding day.
In Ames Iowa a husband may not take more than three gulps of beer while
lying in bed with his wife.
A law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a husband to make
love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic, onions, or sardines.
In Bozeman, Montana, you can't perform any sexual acts in the front
yard of any home, after sundown, and if you are nude.
A Helena, Montana law states that a woman cannot dance on a saloon table
unless her clothing weights more than three pounds, two ounces.
Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to provide a
clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest. According to the law,
no couple may have sex unless they are wearing the nightshirts.
Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the
horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a
Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.
During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico, no couple should engage
in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has
curtains.
In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.
In Cleveland, Ohio women are not allowed to wear patent-leather shoes.
Clinton, Oklahoma, has a law against masturbating while watching two
people having sex in a car.
In Willowdale, Oregon, no man may curse while having sex with his wife.
In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck
driver inside a toll booth.
Hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, are required by law to furnish
their rooms with twin beds only. There should be a minimum of two
feet between the beds, and it is illegal for a couple to make love
on the floor between the beds.
In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on
the city's airport property.
A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with
a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the
woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does
not receive any punishment.
No woman may go in public without wearing a corset in Norfolk, Virginia.
In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a
virgin under any circumstances. (including the wedding night)
The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the
missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered
illegal.
In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot of a gun while his female
partner is having a sexual orgasm.
-------------------------------------------
4. TEMPO FOR TEARS (IN STEREO)
by Christopher Stolle (Indiana Poet)
I think this will change my foot-groove view -
fear surprised my by tapping my shoulder
too many times in this ballroom decade;
an experience to photograph for my children -
to dance across new horizons and bridges
with success leaning into my upbeat body.
flesh covers my body, but I cannot sing -
radio stations tucked me into bed each night
while cold shivers forsake my physical needs;
another emotional melody to sway with -
rhythm in my words destroyed by shy situations
in attempts to waltz away from solo pain.
nothing too fast for this awkward dreamer -
stars point for my feet to settle onto the ground
instead of trying to fly from rejection faces;
there are goddesses and mermaids calling -
arrangements must not be scripted or recorded,
but I cannot improvise dreams for public performance.
Jan. 7, 1998
"I am the poem that doesn't rhyme. Just turn back the page."
-- Elton John
Visit Christopher Stolle's Literary Home Page
http://php.indiana.edu/~cstolle
-------------------------------------------
5. Bill Gates and IE
by The alarmingly uneventful Adventures of 'sum-fink from my hed'
(Milkshake)
Long ago, I was a user of IE 3.0. I was happy with what it did. I
also used Netscape as both browsers are better at some things. I was
happy, life was good, browsing was fun.
I recently received IE 4 on a magazine CD and decided to install it
and take a look.
The result was rather unexpected.
It has now completely taken over my computer.
It has changed my Windows bar.
It has changed my Windows explorer into some strange amalgamation of
IE and WE.
Why? Why I ask? Was that really necessary?
It's even got some strange 'active desktop' thing that I dare not click
until I know what it does.
And my computer crawls. I'll need twice the amount of RAM I have to
make it run back to it's original speed.
In short, Bill Gates has completely re-worked my computer when I was perfectly
happy with the way it was. The man is evil.
May this serve as a warning to all of you out there who were thinking
of upgrading to IE4. Don't. Don't do it. Stick with Netscape.
By installing IE4 you will only spread Bill Gates' reign of terror
further.
Send your comments to: Rik <Rich.h@btinternet.com> or visit
http://www.btinternet.com/~weird.stuff1/Rik1.htm.
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CoN would not be possible without the great help of Scriba Org.
CoN: doing bad things, worse.
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine "media you can abuse"
In memory of Father Ross "Padre" Legere
Published every second Monday (or when we get around it)
Disclaimer: unintentionally offensive
Comments, queries and submissions are welcome
http://www.capnasty.org ISSN 1482-0471
A bi-weekly electronic journal. Subscriptions available at no cost
electronically.
Available on Usenet newsgroups alt.zines and alt.ezines. This mailing
is sent exclusively to those poor souls who chose to subscribe to the
Capital of Nasty mailing list.
Spread the word! If you have friends who would like to receive CoN,
ask them to send email to join@capnasty.org. If you'd like to unsubscribe
because such email aggravates your [change what it aggravates],
simply send an empty message to leave@capnasty.org.
Brought to you by C.C.C.P. (Collective Communist Computing Proletariat)
Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro Colin Barrett
<leandro@capnasty.org> <tyrannis@capnasty.org>
ZimID 708EC8D1 1994/09/14 EC B0 97 59 1D FE 7C 32 7E 04 2C 66 47 41 FB 7D
