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Capital of Nasty Vol. 02 Issue 26
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume II, Issue 26, Year AD MCMXCVII
Monday, June 30th, 1997
ISSN 1482-0471
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Happy Canada Day 1867 - 1997
130 Years
Tuesday, July 1st, MCMXCVII
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[0:18] *Denise* do you know what con means in fraench?
[0:18] *Denise* in french?
-> what?
[0:18] *Denise* con = stupid
[0:19] *Denise* in old french con = vagina..
-> oh great.
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"It's probably the biggest fight ever."
-- Mike Tyson (June 23, 1997), five days before biting the ears of his
opponent, Evander Holyfield, in the aforementioned fight.
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1. no frills at the end of the Universe
2. Review: Batman & Robin
3. Hercules: not a movie review
4. Broadcasting Verses Cybercasting
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This week's Golden Testicle Web Award goes to:
B&K Hackers Homepage
They really hate Microsoft
http://www.geocities.com/CapeCanaveral/9447/
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1. no frills at the end of the Universe
by Leandro+
(Note: "no frills" is the name of a chain of grocery stores in Ontario.)
I was afraid that CoN was losing it's nasty touch. Lately
we've been more serious than ever, so although some of the articles
here today are a tad on the serious/deep side, I'll start this week
with my typical "no frills" blasting.
Those that never worked as a waiter or a clerk haven't lived life yet.
These type of jobs allow you to develop a thick defensive layer around
you and prepare you for the stupidity of the world that has yet to
come. Since hydrogen and stupidity are two common elements in the
Universe, and no frills a grocery store with low prices, you can
figure out pretty much by yourself the magnetic attraction this place
has. For idiots, not much for hydrogen. As a matter of fact, I think
we are losing hydrogen molecules, since the various refrigiration units
at no frills were there when my grandmother arrived in Canada. That was
51 years ago.
Stupidity at no frills comes in various shapes and forms.
Customers: They are the worse kind, because they always outnumber you,
and what's worse, they think they are always right. I think there is
nothing worse than having to tell an idiot, that yes, although they have
completely fucked things up, that they are right. Or at least, as a
clerk (or as a waiter, I'm sure) this is what the training is all about.
The best part though is to be nasty to them, make them feel like
complete morons, and get away with it.
"Do you work here?" is the most common question I ever get. I used to
answer "Yes! How may I help you?". After the 500th time you decline
in using that sentence and you go for a simple "Yeah". Several
million times later you start freaking out and you hear yourself say
"For fuck sakes, why do you think I'm dressed this way, because I like
it?". This has the unfortunate effect of upsetting customers who will
promptly go to your manager and tell them on you. If they are smart
enough they will ask you your name and who is your manager. A proven
technique is to give them your name tag, and point your manager to them.
Nine out of 10 times, their brain starts to hurt because they did not
expect this. They'll drop the nametag to the floor and leave mumbling
something. If they don't do that, you'll have to learn how to put a
good poker face when the manager questions you. Make sure you deny
everything. Stay calm, and look surprised. Usually the customer's
voice has reached 12 to 25 decibels. In the eyes of your manager they
will look like some mentally disturbed freak, and he will kindly and
diplomatically tell them to leave. After a few years of experience
however, you learn to say "No, I don't work here." This turns the
majority of people off. If they are still not convinced or they point
out that you are wearing the store's uniform, don't slap them on the
head and scream "ahh, so you saw my uniform you bastard eh?". Instead
smile and reply with a: "I am from the bread company". The customer
will turn all red, apologize and leave.
"[Product here]?" questions are the ones where I smile and become
evil. A customer walks up to you and as they exhale their hideous
garlic breath on you, they say the name of something in the form of a
question: "tuna?". I used to answer "Tuna? Down by aisle four, section
A, bottom shelf, sir". Didn't forget to smile. Customer would walk
away, and if I was lucky receive a grunt. How hard is it to say "Thank
you"? For some people it must be pretty tough, just like signaling
when driving.
Now it's different. If a customer dares to walk up to me and say
"Tuna?" several things happen. I stop what I am doing. Slowly I turn
to face them, after making sure a few precious seconds have been burnt
between stopping and actullay turning. Facial expressions are crucial
here, so I try to have that typical pissed-off combined with a little
bit of surprised and a touch of "what's this guy talkin' 'bout?". To
add a little drama I pull out my knife, which I've learned to pull out
in such a way that people probably think I'm some sort of part-time
ninja. The stock no frill knives don't cut anything, not even plastic,
although they can slice your finger in half you have to wonder if it
really was the knife that gave you the perfectly straight and clean
surgical cut. You can see through the other side of your hand at times.
The knife flipping thing usually makes them step back an inch or two
saving me from the toxic waste emanating from their unwashed mouths.
I give them a quick visual examination from head to toe. This not
only makes them feel more unconfortable (especially if they are wearing
K-Mart clothes) but less confident in themselves. Finally I open my
mouth and I speak: "Tuna? What about the tuna?". Here the eyes play
a crucial part. Stare at them as if you are going to jump on top of
them, ripping their rib-cage open and ripping their heart out (if you
happen to do that, don't forget to lick the blade on the dull side, and
laugh like a maniac). The customer right now feels naked, and he just
wants to disappear from the face of the earth. He might mumble something
like "uhm, I was wondering where the tuna was...". At times like this
I feel like grabbing them by their necks and say very quietly: "ahhh,
so you are capable of constructing a proper sentence after all. Gee, and
I kept on criticizing the Education system of this country". That
would be cool, but if the customer is an old fart, he might have an
heart attack right there and then. At this point you smile, wait about
2 or 3 seconds and then you reply "It's by the Salmon section, sir".
Keep smiling, and quickly go back to your job. The customer would be too
scared to ask you where the "Salmon section" is (considering it doesn't
even exist anyway) and quickly leave the aisle in search of another
(hopefully more friendly) clerk. Little does he know...
Tips from the clerks:
Tommy a clerk from "no frills" plays a different tactic: when customers
approach him with the individual question (ie. "tuna?"), simply smiles,
and replies with "fish!" and then he leaves. This has the effect to
stun the customer for a few seconds.
Rob is a pretty big guy, with plenty of muscles to go around. To the
"Tuna?" question he puts one of those killer faces, flexes and says
"Did you just call me a tuna?".
Next week we'll look into playing some funny jokes on someone you really
can't stand too much. Remember, play safe, and don't get caught.
Kids, don't try this at home.
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2. Review: Batman & Robin
by Marco Tabini
Produced and Distributed by Warner Brothers
Directed by Mr. Schumacher
Starring:
Arnold Schwarzenegger
as Mr. Freeze, an egomaniac who wanders around wearing neon lights (even
in front of his mouth, and he hasn't got nice teeth). He likes cool
places.
George Clooney
as Batman. He's got the most kitch designed vehicles in the history of
mankind.
Chris O'Donnel
as Robin. Batman's gay partner. NOT!
Uma Thurman
as Poison Ivy. The overacted role of an ex-Greenpeace girl gone nuts.
Alicia Silverstone
as Batgirl. The first fat superhero ever appeared. (The blubber stops
the bullets though.. -Ed)
Michael Gough
as Alfred. So dumb he doesn't even realize Clooney is the third
different man who pretends to be Bruce Wayne in 4 movies and his
niece (Batgirl) is Commissioner Gordon's daughter. Smart enough to
survive four movies.
Plot:
Couldn't find none
Cool people:
Mr Freeze (and I mean it). Schwarzy alone is worth watching the movie
(on a half-price day, at least).
Cool lines:
"She Is playing with you, Dick!" (Batman to Robin, regarding Poison Ivy)
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3. Hercules: not a movie review
by Leandro+
Hercules, the most awaited cartoon from Walt Disney is finally out.
I took this chance to take my little sister to see it. As usual I
spoiled the little brat, buying everything she desired, and of course
what's a night out with her big brother without poisoning our livers
with good old McDonald? But the kid is happy, and that's what counts.
The movie, for those that are going to see it, it's pretty cute.
Take Alladin, replace the characters with Hercules and Maggie, change
the architecture, put a goat instead of a genie, a horse instead of a
monkey, and voila`. Instant cartoon. Just add water--colours.
You need a kid beside you to see it, since they laugh where you grin,
and they look at you funny when you laugh. As usual some parts of the
cartoon are meant for adults, like the Karate Kid scene. If you look
carefully you will even see Scar (from The Lion King) used as some sort
of prop while Hercules is being posing for a portrait. I'm pretty sure
I missed something else. I was just wondering how ironic it was that
Hercules was some big, muscled, blonde dude in the middle of Greece.
Fortunately Disney added some colour (forgive the pun) by adding five
African (Afro-Greek? I could say "black" but then I would be accused
of being racist, which I'm not. Maybe someone could help me out here)
Church choir-like singers to introduce the story and to sing in the
various songs during the cartoon. Even if you have no siblings, drag
your significant one to see it. They'll either hate you or love you.
We come out of the Plaza Cinema, and start walking down on Yonge,
one of the busiest (and coolest streets) of Toronto. There is everything
here, from sex to hex. It's also the largest concentration of "strange
looking people". Perhaps it's a little wrong to define people that
are different as strange, but for my 7 year old sister, downtown Toronto
can be quite a circus. People with tatooes all over their bodies,
strange type of clothing, Goths (why do they wear raincoats in July?).
What shocked her the most was people with their nipples pierced. That
made her giggle for a bit. About every 50 feet or so, a teenage kid
with expensive Doc Martens would beg for money.
Finally at McDonald, before we get served, we had to witness the
two managers in some socio-political fight about who is supposed to
make the fries.
"Look, I've got more seniority over you," said the man
"I have more important things to do than to serve fries right now"
"I don't think that stepping down sometimes" interrupted the girl
"would be too hard right now!"
Apparentely they were short-staffed. Such a big deal over fries.
You're running McDonald, not some critical NorAD base.
My sister ordered her favorite, Chicken Nuggets meal, while I had
Chicken Club. For some reason McDonald's burgers have no appeal (or
flavour) and look very disappointing. I guess that the fact that my
girlfriend is Sikh, it is slowly pushing me away from pork and beef.
While I was waiting patiently for my sister to finish her six (6)
Nuggets (it took her 47 minutes as she took miniscule bites and praised
every single one of them by dipping them in the various sauces provided), I took a look around. Hercules was now slowly taking over the
Batman gadgetry. Hercules cups, plates, toys. I got suckered into
buying Pegasus for my sister. Working during the weekends at a grocery
store, it's interesting to see all the products that get plastered with
Batman or Hercules logos. Even Uncle Ben's Perv^H^H^H^HConverted Rice
showed off a bright Batman logo. "Mom! Mom! Quick, can you make rice
tonight?" just to get a little sticker. What was ironic is that Hercules
itself (the cartoon) was making fun of this. The fame of Hercules had
vases, pop drinks and Air-Herk shoes all sculptured around his image.
I guess for the first time I saw Toronto through the eyes of my
7 years old sister. I felt for a minute a sense of non-belonging, and
I held her little hand tight just to assure myself that she was still
there. When I walk around town by myself or with my friends, I don't
really see anything. In "one eye, out the other" if you'll forgive
the poetic licence. I believe there is too much noise in this world,
and it takes a little kid's eyes to make us see the obvious.
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4. Broadcasting Verses Cybercasting:
The Mother of All Paradigm Shifts.
by Bob Allisat
<tor@wtv.net>
The emmergance of cybercasting in all it's forms from the morass of the
internet has taken many by surprise. Surprised most of all are the mass
market broadcasters. Approaching year two (or three) of the Internet
boomlet and already "market share" is being lost to the Web and other
Internet phenomes. Executives sweat their 5k suits to the Good Will. Huge
budgets get allocated in those sweat sessions. Billions get poured down
the internet black hole while careers dangle by the finest of threads.
And still market share slips. To millions of amateur and hacker sites.
To every Tom, Dick, Harriet and Barbara. To every po-dunk mini corp and
mom'n'pop Ltd. with a PC and their pissant web site, crackling audio and
sissy video streamer.
Increasingly, armed with the relatively miniscule investments of Personal
Computer, camcorder, tape deck, software and time every citizen can
become a magazine, newspaper, movie producer, TV or radio station. End
of story? Mass media dead? Whoa there Silver... not so fast Kimosabe.
I'm sorry to say there is still the truely massive political and economic
force of the corporate mass media to contend with. The temporarily
frightening prospect of conflict looms with the gargantuan inertial
pressures of the predominantly American movie, music, TV and radio
industries. We are confronted at every turn, blared at from every abode,
harangued from every store and everywhere in between. Even if the clock
is running down on the mass mediasauruses their day ain't, isn't, is not
over. Soon IMHO (In My Humble Opinion). Not yet. not now. Not without
virtual blood being shed in epoch ending scale torrents. "Theirs".
Hopefully not "ours" (writing as a cybercast wannabe).
The Internet, via cybercast audio/video contents and suplemented by
plain old sucky web pages, is poised to entirely circumvent the mass
media. But not without one hell of a fucking fight from our info and
entertainment overlords. And I do mean fucking. And I do mean fight.
There is no way on Earth that the big interests, significant investors,
moguls and mogulettes behind the conventional media will allow
themselves to be swept aside and asunder just like that and pell mell.
Though that is the only way, in the end, it will happen. Just like that.
And very much pell mell. And, by the by, with a suddenness that will
have us all gasping in freaking amazement. The old Titanic effect...
ooooooooo - Big ship! Ooooooooo - Big Iceberg.
Oooooooo - Big Ship go down FAST!!!
The most curious and ironic phenomenon of the earliest of days for the
Internet Era is the bemusing presence of the mass mediasaurs on the
Internet. More humourous still is the manner in which these coglomerate
clot organizations allow the subject to be broached in their various
broadcasting organs and organelles. First off the new, cybermedia are
always viewed as extensions of the old... as "plug-ins" or add-ons. As
if one can simply roll over the cookie cutter mentality and big ad
one think approach in infinite clones of auto blurbs and soap operas in
all their banality. Second off the Internet (outside condoned,
sanctioned sites) is the bad underside of society. The weaknesses and
foibles and wierdnesses. The evil and the sinful. The bad and the ugly.
While, of course, conventional broadcasters and their various and
devious cyber-henchmen of mass media consumerist culture are painted to
as the good protectors. The stable, reliable purveyors of truth.
Purveyors of light respectability, information, advise, unbiassed
coverage, opinion, and so on and so forth yada, yada, yada. All to
protect us dummies from ourselves, thank you very much nouveau big bro.
The reality is we only need protection from the non-mythical them. And
we citizens all are weird, all curious, all differant, all fucked and
wondeering and infinitely tired of infinite Disney, Time Warner,
Universal Studios blah, blah, blah bullshit. The truth is we need no
protection from each other. Ultimately we require safeguarding from the
mind warping uni-thinkers. So, the actual everyday, real-time Cyber
picture is stunningly the reverse of what is being blasted at us from
every dying orifice breath of the mass media bar none.
Classic situation. Barefoot guerrilla freedom fighters (The Internet
Internauts) verses the Oppressive Regime of El Presidente for life's
Junta (US consumerist mass media). Except for the fact that the one
(US Mass Media) owns the very ground, modalities and everything the
other (Internet Freedom Fighters) uses to exist. It would be a shoe-in
otherwise as to who wins. And here is where the crunch comes. The big
cruncheroo... we who are quickening the sands that will inevitably
engulf the monster media are currently at their total, complete and
utter mercy. At every technical, technological, and strategic level the
Internet is controlable. Except for numbers, creativity, genius
flexibility, deviousness and, of course, future viability, we, the new
media are at the mercy of "Broadcasters".
No matter. We are witnessing and will continue to witness efforts to
erradicate all of our independent Internet ventures and adventures.
Through what-ever means The Empire can imagine. Through legislation and
the courts... witness the bogoid Communications Decency Act and similarly
absurist stateside infohighway political correctness laws. Through
propoaganda via all those silly Internet 'R Evil articles and clips.
Through buy-outs by overheated leverage crazed venture capitalists.
Through mega-buck, mega-loud, mega sites attempting to suffocate all
diversity. Through infrastructure and, increasingly, content provider
take-overs to consume any and all idependant ground. But still the
revolution continues. Still the losses and sweating and hair
pullingmounts and - soon - the ledge claiming race in Marathon 65th
floor to street level corporate divefests.
The insideous and doomed mass media tolerates no competition. For
competition fragments it's profit generation base and challenges it's
credibility. The Internet media at it's core is atavistic and
atomistic...
it deal in idividuals and small units, people and persons. The internet
media is one to one, un-edited, polilithic, cacophanous and Babellic...
basically the conventional medias worse fucking nightmare come true. And
try as it may, pump as many billions as it likes into the Internet to
stop it... all to no avail. The money is lost. The efforts fizzle. The
push continues from every side at every angle, from every citizen.
Indefategable, indefeatable. The ants come marching one by one... hoorah,
hoorah.
This is the first opportunity we human beings have since apparently the
blessed stone age for the mass media to truely belong to the masses. The
Gutenbergian version of reality .... whereby the "press" owners and
organ-blowers tell us all what to think, feel, buy, sell, smell, want,
hate, love, kill, etc is verging on toast. Immanently to be history.
Soon to be wasted. Tables are about to be turned. Unless - and I highly
doubt they will - the various sherriffs of Nottingham who scourge our
own Internet Sherewood forest succeed in capturing the ground. Unless
that happens the poor will indeed rob the rich blind so to speak. And
without mercy for the fortunes involved, we the People will aplaud as
the various Titanics sailing globally slip under the icy mirror to
oblivion as we lay claim our own passages, as citizens, in the world.
We will reclaim our knowledge, know-how, information, ideas, mythology,
traditiopns, opinions, news, events, sexuality, culture, art, politics
and the plethora of civilized existance.
Unless - and there is still a chance - the Mass Media bastards manage to
somehow subsume our Internet cybermedia in their torentially hollow,
mega-mono-maniacal monopolies we will dominate. And then we're all very
much potted. Until the next, similarly revolutionary media saunters along
heavan help them all. But it looks good for the revolution. So far so
good.
Talk about paradigm shift, eh? The mother of all paradigm shifts. Stay
away from juggernauts, citizen, unless you're prepared to go down with
them. And we watch it all go into the salvation day brink to save
culture, enlightenment, civility and our-dash-collective-underscore-
asses-dot-net.
*If* you follow the gospel according to Allisat. Which, of course, you
all do and needless to say and so on and so forth etcetera etcetera
etcetera so help us Internet, Ahmen.
Fin
Bob Allisat is Director of World Televirtual Network (http://www.wtv.net)
one of the emmerging cybercasters. Bob's resume is viewable at
http://www.wtv.net/allisat and he may be contacted at (416) 534-1999 or
via E-Mail at tor@wtv.net.
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