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Capital of Nasty Vol. 03 Issue 18
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume III, Issue 18, AD MCMXCVIII
Monday, November 2nd, 1998
ISSN 1482-0471
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Would you date yourself if you were gay?
a) Yes
b) Yes, but no fucking way would I kiss on the first date
c) No
d) Undecided
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When John Glenn returns from space, everybody dress in Ape Suits.
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1. Editorial
2. Random Reminisces of Radio and Television
3. Film & TV
4.
5. Chain letter
6. This issue, at the movies...
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This week's Golden Testicle award:
Would you call these guys to do your webpage?
http://www.titus.com
By Jason MacIsaac
-------------------------------------------
1. Editorial
MANY E-MAILS HAVE ARRIVED since the last issue of CoN. The complaints
that your humble editor wrote in the last editorial did not fall on
deaf ears, and so I was able to raise a couple of fingers on my other
hand.
The first e-mail arrives from Rev.Sean C. Rothstein-Jacobson. While I
am cutting through the entire section where he mocks me since he gets
many more replies than I do to his rants, this part deserves a mention:
> INRE: 'The Last Dinosaur'
>
> STOP DIS-ING THAT PIECE- christ onna crux folks! I take it you prefer
> short stories because novels require an attention span? Why dont ya
> go crack a beer and plop down in front of the tube with the rest of
> "civilization" and shut it! I thought it was one of the funniest
> things I'd read in a helluva long time and would LOVE IT if more of
> them appeared here (plus Leandro would get piles more abusive mail
> to abuse). I have never seen the movie and yet after reading the
> piece, I was there! I have REAL MEMORIES of watching the movie
> from having read the damn thing. I can see it in moving frames
> in my head! When was the last time YOU wrote something that did
> that to a total stranger? EVER? WILL you EVER write something that
> evokative? If you dont have time/abilility to read it, you sure as
> hell dont have the right to rail it.
The best e-mail is from John Cello:
> I understand your concern about the lack of e-mail you receive.
> I am as guilty as the rest about not corresponding.
>
> While I read every word of each issue, I take no umbrage to the
> content of the articles. The readers who flame you about a particular
> issue or segment obviously don't read far enough through to get to
> the unsubscribe instruction. Or the bastards just like to bitch.
>
> E-zines are generally looked at as just that much more internet
> content. Produced by faceless entities that the average surfer
> could give a shit about. CapO'Nasty appeals to me because it is
> an open forum. No topic is sacred, which is at it should be.
> While I don't always agree with the content, I understand
> the right to have different opinions. I also understand that there
> are real, live human beings producing it.
>
> I would hate to see you change anything about your zine, save for
> there to be more of it. You are all doing a great job. Keep up the
> good work.
It's nice to know that someone out there appreciates what we do.
Even if they don't always agree with it. And yes, there are real
live human beings behind CoN that actually do read your mails.
And sometimes we even reply.
For funniest e-mail, Francisco Gonzalez (who also goes by with the
name of Luke de Sade) shows us that Jason MacIsaac is lucky to
have dropped just his pen:
> Hey, Capital of Nasty III. 17 was the first issue I received. I
> must say that CoN kicks ass. I was laughing hard with the
> anecdotes the writers had to offer, but the one that "clicked"
> with me the most was MacIsaac's "I've dropped my pen... Time for
> a killing spree." Why? well, something similar happened to me.
> It happened six months ago. I had a cool job, a nice girl, and I
> bought a new paraqueet. I loved that paraqueet as I loved my cat
> and my girl and my job. But everything's not good, you see. There
> was a bad week where my girlfriend realized that I wasn't giving
> her as much sex as she deserved (go figure) so she broke with me
> and went away with one of my best friends. Ok, a girl is
> replaceable. Hehe, or so I thought. Then I was fired the next day.
> Ok, I could get another job. I still had my paraqueet and my cat.
> Until my cat decided it was time to show the paraqueet who was boss
> in the house and ate it. The cat ate the paraqueet, ok. But he
> choked on his beak.
> Damn, I was demolished. But I was copping with it. You know?
> Everything was alright. I still had my Playstation to play with
> and to forget the shit that happened that week.
> Then came the day. The dreaded day when I unintentionally let the
> PS fall to the floor and break open. It was damaged, and so was my
> psyche. I almost killed my ex-girlfriend and my ex-best friend
> (for real) and I almost killed myself.
> Just for my Sony Playstation.
MOVIES NEWS PAGE -- For those tired of having to surf several webpages just to
find information about upcoming movies, Jeff Wright, our own CoN Movie
specialist, has set up a page which contains all the information found worth of
regurgitating in the past month. Jeff will update this page every month, and
eventually (as soon as time permits) set up a digest form, so that people can
receive updates directly through their e-mails. To find out more about it, or
to witness this miracle in creation, you can set your browsers to surf here:
http://members.xoom.com/the4thworld/coolnewsX12.htm
THE NEXT ISSUE of CoN will deal with Gay and Lesbians. At the time of writing
we have ONE spot left. As many have asked through their e-mails (actually, only
two people), CoN does accept submissions from their readers. Our only
modification, beside correcting major spelling mistakes, is to edit the piece so
that it fits our 72 characters per line standard.
Enjoy this issue.
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2. Random Reminisces of Radio and Television
By Jason MacIsaac
This ish of CoN is about TV, and it so happens that I'm uniquely
qualified to talk about it. I studied it in school. In fact, I have
a Bachelor of Applied Arts in Radio and Television. No joke!
I am therefore definitively able to give answers and insight on TV.
I'm an expert. Although I haven't read the other articles people
submit, I'm guessing they all pretty much lean towards the same
conclusion:
TV sucks.
And yes, as an expert, I can say with authority that TV sucks. But
what most people aren't aware of is the extent to which it sucks.
You only see the finished product. Let me tell you, a great deal of
sucking goes on behind the scenes too. And yes, you can have
multiple interpretations of "sucking" in the last sentence and have
it still be accurate.
I was there right from the beginning--going to school learning how to
do television. And believe me, if you think you have a low opinion
of TV now, try studying it school.
Let me qualify that by saying it's not that I didn't enjoy my time in
school. In fact, I loved it. I was sad when I was over. I met lots
of interesting people while I was there, including the executive
producers of The Simpsons and even one of Seinfeld's staff writers.
The students were a riot (we had one or two of the usual losers, but
nothing you wouldn't find in other education program) and I even
liked most of my teachers (we had one or two of the usual losers, but
nothing you wouldn't find in other education program).
The problem is, take that glossy, flashy emptiness of TV. Now
imagine building a personality along those lines.
It's not that there aren't good people in TV. But let's just say
that the general environment isn't really conducive to being an
honest, down to Earth person.
You could see that in some of the students already. Several of them
had a head start on being shallow, empty-headed packaging. These
people had no useful skills whatever. If a nuclear war devastated
the planet and you had to restart civilization with a handful of
people, these people would not be designated engineers, or lawmakers,
or farmers. Instead you would cannibalize them on day two. TV I
think was created for these type of people to succeed.
Again, there were plenty of good people. And you know what? A lot
of them are too nice, too smart, and too hardworking for their own
good. It's not likely they'll get in. A friend of mine I know does
have a successful career as a freelance scriptwriter, and another did
somehow become the producer of a religious show (She's violently
anti-religious too, which should give you a good idea of how TV
operates). The rest of them seem to be have trouble going beyond
minor jobs at local cable stations.
Strangely, learning TV at school produced some of the most boring and
awful courses ever devised. You'd think it would be interesting or
comfortably mindless--didn't we like, watch a lot of TV? Well, yes
we did. But we did more writing, constructing, designing and
analyzing TV stuff to really watch a lot of it. By the way, if you
think watching a bad TV show is unbearable, try deconstructing "Who's
the Boss" scene by scene, due Monday. You probably say something
like "Can't I do something more fun, like give cows enemas or
something?"
We had one brutal two-hour Friday morning class called "Survey of
Media." Popularly known to the students as "Survey of Tedium." And
look, I know you've had your boring classes, but I will not listen to
your claims that you had the most boring class ever. I'm telling you
now without a doubt in my mind that Survey of Tedium was the most
boring class ever, and I will not entertain arguments to the
contrary. It was the most skipped class out of any other in the
program. And we "learned" things like how many kilohertz Radio
Bulgaria operates on. For two hours. The exam was legendary, but
this is a patented Kenn Scott ((tm)) story that I don't have the
rights too. Maybe I can encourage him to write the story some day.
He was so scarred by the experience that he kept a copy of the exam,
just so people would believe what we went through.
Another unpleasant memory that comes to mind is on the final day of
classes, second year. Most people were skipping classes left and
right that day. For some reason that I will always regret, I went to
one class that I normally skipped (all year). They were showing a
documentary that we were to sit back and watch. Easy class, right?
Wrong. The documentary was on diarrhea. No, I'm serious. Right
before lunch too.
Some other students would walk in late. As they arrived at the door,
I would wave them off and yell "NOOOOO! It's too late for me, save
yourselves! RUN!"
I had friends to keep me sane though, and insulate me from the dead-
weight. You know, the vain, space cadet types with no kind of
aesthetic sensibility whatever. Of course, the vain, space cadet
types with no kind of aesthetic sensibility whatever are probably
driving Italian sports cars to work now. There were a few that were
so useless they had a genius for it.
One person in particular that I'll refer to as "Julie," though her
real name is Catherine Mahoody, and she can reached at
cmahoody@deadtv.com. Julie had the brilliant ability to get everyone
to do her work for her. In part because she was drop-dead gorgeous.
I think she also had some kind of mind-controlling ability too,
because she turned hardened men into putty and then moulded them into
ashtrays. If she was in your project group you can bet she would do
nothing while you did her share of the project, and quite possibly
her grocery shopping too. You'd see nothing wrong with this. You
were under her spell. After she was done with you she'd move along
to her next victim, leaving you feeling kind of stupid. The men out
there will be familiar with the feeling you get when you realize that
a woman has used sex to completely manipulate you (if you're lucky).
You feel embarrassed, yet not exactly bad for what you've done. In
Julie's case, it was like getting fucked, but without the sex, and
yet you didn't.
I remember one poor friend of mine, Eddie, saddled with her as a
partner on a school project. She wouldn't show up most of the time,
so he'd wander her the call forlornly calling "Julie!" He tried to
reform himself later, with a different project. When partnerships
were being formed, he stayed well away from her. But she used the
ol' Julie Jedi Mind Trick on him. She asked if she could be his
partner again. As it happens, Eddie already had a partner, but you
were allowed to have three people in your group. With superhuman
effort, my friend managed to gasp "Ask John." John was the other
partner in the group. So Julie went up to John and said "Eddie said
I can be in your group." And so she was in.
Yes, he's a Grade A chump for falling for her tricks twice, but I'm
in no position to pass judgement on him. My memory is hazy, but I'm
pretty sure I did her laundry once. And I regret nothing. In fact,
I think I thanked her. If she were to show up in my life again she'd
probably have my credit card in no time.
No, scratch that, she probably has no use for me now. She probably
lives in a mansion with enough cars to match her dresses, and uses
naked Chippendale dancers for furniture. I'm small potatoes now.
Those are just a few of the shenanigans that immediately come to
mind. There are many more. These are the people who will in theory
be in charge of mass media in the new millennium. And this is a
small sample of what they went through at school. Out there in the
unreal world (strictly speaking, TV doesn't have a real world) things
get even crazier.
I'm not working in radio or TV, and for that, I am grateful. You may
think that your job has petty politics and stupidity where style is
valued over substance. I'm sure it's no picnic, but remember, TV is
the environment where these people flourish.
With in mind is it really any wonder that Pamela Anderson got a
second series?
-------------------------------------------
3. Film & TV
by Jeff Wright
I'm writing this on very little sleep. Friday night I went to
bed around 3. Woke up on Saturday at 9:30, I worked all day, then my
friend came over to watch some movies for Halloween and left around 4
in the morning, so that's when I went to sleep. I had to be up the
next day at 10. Once up, I went and helped my friend shoot a film
for school (things went very wrong, and it would almost be another
article), went to a movie cuz I was in the neighbourhood and finally
went to sleep around 1. I woke up at 10 this morning, it's 2:30
right now, and I've been working on the movie news website thing that
is hopefully linked somewhere in this issue (just in case -
http://www.members.xoom.com/the4thworld/coolnewsX12.htm), and writing
up the movie suggestions for this issue since then. Actually, that
isn't that bad as far as amount of sleep goes, but I'm EXAUSTED none
the less, and I have to work 6 hours in about an hour.
Here's my idea since I don't have the time to sit down and
write a huge article on film & tv (which I would love to do). How
about we write a film script through CoN. I'll write the first
couple of pages now, then people can send in the next section of the
script (no longer than 5) and all the folks of CoN plus myself can
vote on which person's entry we like the most and put it in the next
issue. Then we repeat the process each issue until we've got a
feature length screenplay which would have to belong to CoN I guess
because of legal shit. So if you send something in, you have to
agree that it becomes the writing of CoN. This sounds really bad,
but I know that there can be some ugly legal suits over scripts and
whatnot. I think this will be fun, and a neat way for some people
who haven't written a script before, to test the waters. So anyways,
here's my part:
INT. POLICE STATION. DAY.
A COP brings in a criminal to be booked. The criminal turns around
real slow, and stares at the cop dead in the eyes. The cop whips him
back around. The criminal starts to slowly turn around again. This
time when the cop tries to turn him around, the criminal doesn't
budge. The cop pulls out his club. The criminal headbutts the cop,
then beats him to death with the club. He grabs the cop's gun, and
the handcuff keys. He walks out of the station, pointing the gun at
everyone, without even saying a word. He then runs and hails a cab,
which takes him away from the station.
EXT. A PARK. DAY.
A cop posts up a wanted poster for the criminal. We find out his
name is GABRIEL MUNSOARNOTT. And that he's a wanted arsonist.
INT. AN APARTMENET. DAY.
the apartment belongs to Gabriel's sister JUILA. Gabriel is giving
her a brief case full of money.
GABRIEL
Keep this for me.
JULIA
No! It's not my money.
GABRIEL
Yes it is. Well most of it is. I need some of
it to live off of until next week.
JULIA
What's happening next week?
GABRIEL
A big score. I'm getting rid of a building for
500 thou.
JULIA
What kind of a building?
GABRIEL
Hospital.
JULIA
What? That's fucking sick.
GABRIEL
I'm gonna pull the fire alarm first. I don't
want people to die.
JULIA
Then why are you doing it. It'll take forever to
evacuate the hospital. They'll know there isn't
a fire before everyone is out. Then they'll
start back in, and you'll have to actually start
the fire.
GABRIEL
I guess some of them'll have to die then. I need
the money. I'm going to start my own business
with it. It'll get me away from this sort of
work. No more arson for me.
JULIA
Except for when you're with your fucking friends.
Then there's a lot of arse on. Fucking fags.
GABRIEL
Fuck you. Tony's gay. None of the other guys
are. You think that just because we hang around
with him... never mind.
JULIA
I'm kidding. Shit.
GABRIEL
Anyways, I gotta go.
JULIA
To get some matches?
GABRIEL
If that's what you want to believe, fine.
JULIA
Don't burn down any churches on the way to the
store.
GABRIEL
You're such a bitch.
JULIA
And you're such an asshole. But I love you.
GABRIEL
Love you to sis. See ya.
Gabriel and Julia kiss, and Gabriel leaves..
-------------------------------------------
4. Television
by Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro
Since the advent of the Internet, way before the dawn of browsers and
Windows compatible programs, I stopped watching television. Why?
The reason is simple: Commercials. I hate them with the passion.
Now, Television on it's own offers very little. Like "Weird" Al
Yankovic says in one of his songs "I hooked up 80 channels, and each
one stunk", you can't help it but agree. So between bad shows and
the advertising that interrupts it, I tend to keep the TV off all the
time.
In my house the TV is used for two things: watching the news if I
didn't have th chance to buy a newspaper, and using it as a mean to
view the videos I rent from the video store. At least, you can fast-
forward with those annoying 15 minutes presentations on movies you'll
never care to watch, and know that you can sit down and watch
something without having to know how many doctors recommend
Preparation H.
Which brings me to an interesting point. I have four doctors, and
none of them has ever told me to use Preparation H. Well, I don't
need it just yet, but they haven't even told me to use Tylenol or
anything like that. Even my dentist doesn't say "Use Colgate, so
you'll have to come here less". He says "Make sure you brush the way
I told you, and here's my bill". That last part, is usually where I
pass out with no need of anaesthetics.
Unfortunately, it happens that sooner or later I'll watch TV.
Usually this happens at someone else's house, and because, well, for
once the program is somewhat interesting.
Now, some commercials are cool. They make you laugh, they entertain
you and you actually don't mind watching them, because even-though
they are delivering a commercial message, they are so well done, you
just have to watch them. Sure, they interrupted your movie for the
fucken' Nth fucking time, but you know, it's the funny one, who
cares? Unfortunately these are rare. The rest seem to lack any edge
of imagination, other than being a breakthrough in apathy.
Take the top 5 commercials that appear on TV these days:
Beer: now beer is a weird one. I mean, I enjoy my nice pint of
Guinness with the boys at my favourite pub, but beside getting light
headed on my second one, I don't feel cooler. There are no skimpy
dressed women running around me. I mean, this is not like the juice
from the cup of the Holy Grail. It's malt gone bad with alcohol.
Diapers: oh gawd. It seems that I was the only baby in the world
that was unlucky to get my ass wet when I was little. Okay, so you
buy this brand which absorbs more than the others, and it keeps your
butt smooth. That's great, but I mean, beside me, when I am wiping
myself, and my girlfriend, who else is going to care that my butt is
smooth? Other than the paedophiles...
Detergents: being a guy, you are probably thinking, I shouldn't be
speaking. Guys tend to buy the same brand, without looking at name
or price. If it says the words "Detergent" on it, and you are
looking for detergent, we have a winner. But I work in a Grocery
Store, I know all the brands and prices. I buy the "no name" brand
now, because, if you look carefully at who makes it, it's the exact
same people that make the ultra-expensive one that supposedly washes
better. Put in clothes, put in detergent, run washing machine and
usually my clothes come out clean. Or of a different colour than
before, or maybe smaller, but at least they are clean. (Yes, I know
how to use a computer, but I have yet to learn how to use the washing
machine).
Shampoo: the most frightening thing for people in North America is to
have dandruff. It's like, a mortal sin. Shame on you if you have
dandruff, people will look at you in disgust and shame. That's why
there are a ton of shampoos out there designed especially for
removing dandruff. Now let me break a myth about anti-dandruff
shampoos: they don't work. Sure, the dandruff might disappear after
you wash them, but if you use that type of shampoo too many times,
they will irritate your skin and give you dandruff. Air conditioning
gives you dandruff. Bad life style gives you dandruff. So instead
of wasting your time with a miracle product, change the way you live.
Lastly Cars: what's with car commercials? This seems to be the most
popular one ever. Shouldn't they ban them off the air? I mean, this
is what's causing the holes in the ozone layer: too many cars. Too
many cigarettes will kill you, so will too many cars.
But to the point: there are too many commercials. The news are
brought to you by so and so. The weather is brought to you by these
other guys. The fucking clothes the guy is wearing while he tells
you the news were kindly supplied by someone else. What was he
wearing anyway, that was so special?
And beside those stations that run no advertising, but bore you to
death with their telethon sessions, where they want you to donate
money so they can continue to provide commercial free programs, the
other TV stations flood you with them. First they lure you in with
the nice program, or some movie you really want to see. The first
thing that gets to me is that the movie "has been edited for
television". What exactly does that mean? It means that although
you are spending two hours in front of the TV, the movie is actually
one hour and 45 mins long. The editing was necessary to fit the ton
of commercials that interrupt the movie for a good 15 minutes. The
ads are usually spread out unevenly through the movie. They start
with rare interruptions in the beginning which make the first hour of
the movie watchable. The last half hour of the movie is a constant
bombardment of ads, at times with the same one repeated a zillion
times, where you even forget what exactly you were watching (I guess
this explains why they say "The Simpsons will be right back" in
between the 5th and 6th commercial, just in case your brain went to
mush and you were trying to figure out why you were sitting in front
of the telly).
Sometimes it's so bad that you can switch channels and watch two
movies at the same time, while avoiding the advertising.
So that's why I don't watch TV anymore. I prefer to get my daily
dosage of radioactivity from my monitor, which at least allows me to
ignore the ads and read what I want, when I want it.
-------------------------------------------
5. Chain letters
Courtesy of Marla "Ivy" Jones
Hello, my name is Alfonso Merkin. I am suffering from rare and deadly
diseases, poor scores on final exams, lack of sexual activity, fear
of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for
not sending out 50 billion fucking forwards sent to me by people who
actually believe that if you send them, that poor 6 year old girl in
Arkansas with lung cancer brought on by second-hand smoke from the
cigarettes smoked by the big bad men who kidnapped her and took
pornographic pictures of her for use on their child pornography web
site will get 6 fucking cents every time you send me the letter.
Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and
everyone you send "his" email to $1000? How fucking stupid are you?
Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll
get laid by every Victoria's Secret model in the catalog! What a
bunch of bullshit. So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to
all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send
me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter
leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep
for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and
was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and
if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of
World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.
Fuck them. If you're going to forward something, at least send
something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your
closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being
will somehow receive a nickel from some "omniscient being" forwards
about 90 times. I don't fucking care. Show a little intelligence and
think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out
forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity.
P.S.
Please forward this to at least 50 of your best friends!
-------------------------------------------
6. This issue, at the movies...
by Jeff Wright
Well this is my second movie sugestion thingee for CoN. The reason
it's only my second is because Leandro (I know I said I wasn't gonna
name names Leo, but I had to) forgot to put my last sugestions in the
last issue. For those who're interested, I suggested Heathers, The
Sweet Hereafter, and encouraged ya'll to go see The Faculty when it's
released on Christmas. I also changed the style in which I do this
thing in the last one. I only do two movies, I pick movies that
relate to the issue's theme, do a bit of a summary, talk about
aspects I like in the flic, who's in it, who made it, and I put a
movie that I like of those people in parenthasese beside their names.
That was a long and almost unintelligble sentence. I apologize.
Anyways here's this issue's.
#1
SWIMMING WITH SHARKS
Kevin Spacey (Se7en) and Frank Whaley (Born On The Fourth Of July)
star in this dark comedy, directed by George Huang (It was his debut,
and I haven't seen his second flic). The basic story (really this
isn't the story, but I don't want to ruin too much) is about a big
wig at a Hollywood studio who is a complete asshole to his assistant.
Spacey gives what I think is probably his best performance, and what
he should have won an Oscar for in the year of The Usual Suspects.
Just go see this one. If you like dark comedies, you'll thank me.
Oh, and tell me if you don't have a hard time licking envelopes after
watching the movie.
Number Two
LIVING IN OBLIVION
Steve Buscemi (Reservoir Dogs), Cathrine Keener (Your Friends And
Neighbours), and a few more star in Tom DiCillo's film (the only good
one of his I've seen). The film is about the trials and tribulations
of an independant film production. It's probably the funniest film
on filmmaking I've seen. The film is driven by funny personalities
on the set, and will have you busting a gut with its potshots at Brad
Pitt, David Lynch dream sequences, and how everyone's written a
script in Hollywood.
Thanks for reading,
Jeff
-------------------------------------------
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Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine "media you can abuse"
In memory of Father Ross "Padre" Legere
Published every second Monday (or when we get around it)
Disclaimer: unintentionally offensive
Comments, queries and submissions are welcome
http://www.capnasty.org ISSN 1482-0471
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Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro Colin Barrett
<leandro@capnasty.org> <tyrannis@capnasty.org>
ZimID 708EC8D1 1994/09/14 EC B0 97 59 1D FE 7C 32 7E 04 2C 66 47 41 FB 7D
