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Capital of Nasty Vol. 02 Issue 16
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume II, Issue 16, Year AD MCMXCVII
Monday, April 21th, 1997
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And in Canada there is a growing movement that believe the following:
If Americans have the right to bear arms then
we should have the right to arm bears.
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This Issue of CoN is dedicated to Colin Barrett, not only
for creating the CoN pages (we promise, they will go up soon), but
for managing to put up with four years of "take it easy jack!", of
the nine night phone calls (Doom anyone?), of the firt 60 pages of
Kitto and of one particular woman (still) blasting his balls.
If it hadn't been for Colin saying, "hmmm, CoN, cool..." four years
ago, we would've never made it this far.
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1. Job Security
2. Essay on the Anglais Language
3. POEM: Jealousy
4. the usual ranting
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This week's Golden Testicle Web Award goes to:
http://www.rage.com
For having the best page on Rage. Since words just can't
explain the beauty here shown, we suggest you endulge yourself.
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1. Employment Security in the Computer Industry
--or--
How to Keep Your Job
by Lilith DemHareIs <damian@midwest.com.au>
It seems that there is no such thing as job security anymore. Who knows
how many jobs I've held until the carpet was yanked beneath me.
Downsizing, lack of budget, some college kid who can do more for less
pay are often the uncontrollable forces that cause us to get the boot.
So, how do you keep your job? Make yourself NEEDED, and make sure nobody
else can do the job and still be willing to accept the pittance you
receive.
This is easiest in the computer industry, especially for computer techies,
network administrators and consultants. These people work intimately with
computers, and one of their main tasks is to keep the computers in good
repair, and functioning for the rest of the computer-illiterate world.
This means maintenance, repairs, technical support, and, most vitally,
clever sabotoge.
That's right, sabotoge. Of the repairable kind. Repairable only by you
[apparently]. If you seem to be the 'magic fingers' that only has to
touch a computer in order to make it work, then people will come to
depend on you like oxygen, and the Powers That Be wouldn't *dare* sack
you, in fear that their whole network will crash without you.
Sabotage doesn't have to be destructive, just disruptive. One
tried-and-true tactic is to change the IRQ port on the network card from
whatever it is, to something that conflicts with, say, the mouse (usually
IRQ 2 or 3). This is one to do first thing in the morning, early-early,
before the user of the computer arrives. Then, when they turn on their
computer, it won't connect to the network, and they'll get frustrated.
Then, when they give you a call, tell them you're busy, but you'll get to
them as soon as possible. Wait twenty minutes or so. (Any longer, and
they'll pester you again.) Then, mosey on down to their computer and play
with it. Ask them irrelevant questions. ("Did you quit in the middle of
network Hearts without shutting down properly?" "Have you been playing
with the control panel?") Then, fix the problem, sketchily explain the
problem in computerese, so they can't possibly understand, then show them
that you miraculously fixed their computer, and they can access the
network. They'll be so grateful in their tears that they'll adore you
forever, and protest when the boss suggests that he give you the axe.
There are many easy tricks you can do to ensure you still have a job.
If most of the problems are discreetly caused by you, you can control the
types of breakdowns, and the frequency.
It's generally a good idea to have the occasional day without deliberate
problems. Make these days intermittant, and not too frequent. If people
have a few days here and there that nothing happens, they will appreciate
them. Toss in the occasional comment like, "nothing's happening. Must be
because I fixed that cable problem." They'll attribute their good luck to
you. If you can control the problem flux, then that means you can arrange
for a "good day" when you have a day off. This is good for several reasons:
chances are, nothing will go wrong, and the boss won't call you in to fix
it, you *can* get days off approved, and people will be more patient with
you if you're not there.
There is a disadvantage to taking lots of time off. If you are gone for
three days or more, then somebody smart in Lower Management will notice
the pattern of good days with you being gone. They'll suggest it to Upper
Management. Somewhere, somebody may figure out that you're tinkering with
things, and then you'll lose your job.
So, what do you do if you want two weeks off? Easy. EVERY techie has a
unemployed techie buddy somewhere. This buddy will probably be more than
willing to pretend they're from a temp agency, and cover for you while
you're gone. He'll continue your regime of sabotoge and repairs, and earn a
few needed dollars besides. Then, you can go off to Bermuda, and not have
to worry about losing your job. If your buddy is competent, he'll make it
seem like you were never gone. If he's not competent, everyone will be
very glad to see you back, and you continue to keep your job.
If your buddy is NOT your buddy, he'll expose your plan, get you fired,
and steal your job from under your nose. Chances are, this won't happen.
If he's too efficient, once he has his job, if he wants to keep it, he'll
have to continue with the "no problems" charade. Soon, the boss will see
that he's not necessary, and will fire him.
Don't worry. Your buddy will cover for you. You both benefit. Your job is
kept secure. He'll case the joint, then report it all to his techie thief
buddies, and one night, they'll clean out the joint of all computer
equipment. In that case, you can slip yourself into "advisor" position,
and advise Supply on what computer systems to buy. Get something
advanced, preferrably with the best operating system you can get. This
new OS will be different enough that problems will crop up left and right.
Since nobody but you knows how to work (and fix) this system, you're
assured job security for quite some time. But it may be a while before
you can go on vacation again.
If you get to the point that you're considered vital to the company, you
might try for a slight pay raise. If you can show enough evidence that
lots of your contemporaries elsewhere are earning as more than you are
requesting, chances are you'll get the raise.
Be careful to not ask for too much money. Either you won't get it, and
you're stuck with the same old salary, or you won't get it, and they'll
sack you, in favor of some kid who can fix your problems, and is willing
to work for less.
Job security is easy, if you know how to make yourself vital.
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2.A strange language
None Allez les gars, lisex et riez du language de vos ennemis...
Let's face it-English is a crazy language. There is no egg in
eggplant nor ham in hamburger, neither apple or pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we
find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a
Guinea pig is neither from Guinea or a pig.
And why is it that wroters wrote, but fingers don't fing, grocers
don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plurarl of tooth is
teeth, why isn't the plurarl of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese.
So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend,
that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one,
what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian
eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter,
perhaps you bote your tounge?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an
asylum of the verbally insane. In what language do people recite
at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo via
ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways
and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise
man and wise guy be opposites? How can overlook and oversee be
opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are
absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown?
Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?
Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled,
ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring
chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by
filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects
the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at
all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when
the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my
watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
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3. Jealousy
by Adriana Scala
The root of all evil
It kills me inside
I try not to show it
But there's nowhere to hide
I thought I didn't love him
I thought I'd do fine
But now that she's got him
I want him to be mine
I hope that this feeling
Will soon go away
Cause it will kill me deep down
If it decides to stay
So I'll find it in my heart
To wish you the best
I know you once loved me
And for t his I was blest
This feeling of jealousy
You will never see
I have to much pride to show it
So I'll keep it within me
But maybe someday
You'll see it hidden there
And then you'll truly know
How much I still do care.
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4. the usual ranting
It's past midnight. I can't use the phoneline because I am
waiting for my kinetic friend to call and wish me a goodnight. I
thought it would be a good idea to sit down and think what to write
for this week, but unfortunately I have no ideas as usual. So this
is the only crap I could come up with. If you don't like it, remember
one thing: contribute nothing, expect nothing.
There used to be this fat annoying lady with no life that would
sit all day in front of her porch. Since at lunch time I would go and
eat at my grandmother's, I had the unfortunate pleasure to walk in
front of this massive woman. Since I happened to wear the no frill's
battle uniform, her small brain would notice the fact that I was not
just one of the many ordinary pedestrians that would stroll happily in
front of her house. So, lucky for me, she would shoot out some stupid
comment, perhaps to win my simpathy. It only got on my nerves.
If I happened to walk down with the no frill's jacket on: "hey son, now
you even do home deliveries, eh?".
If I was going to my grandmother without a coat on: "you're gonna catch
a cold, son!"
If I was going to the store without a coat on: "you're gonna catch a
cold, son!"
If I was tyeing my apron in the front "did ya make that housewife
happy, son? wuahhhahahah..!".
In the early stages, I just ignored, but after a while I began
to feel the need of answering back. Since I was wearing a uniform, I was
in a sense representing the store, and so I would just tell her to fuck
off in my mind, and just kept on walking, looking straight and ignoring
her.
Friday, I told myself, I was going to tell her off. I was going
to call her lard ass, and ask her, if when comparing her ass with her
face, she could tell the difference. As I am walking down toward my
grandmother with a grin on my face I notice that the police had closed
the road. I also notice several fire trucks parked in front of her house.
I look at her house, and I just see the smoldering remains. Firemans
are walking in and out of what is left of the house. The fat woman
was standing there, holding on to the few things she had managed to save.
I felt really sorry for her, but at the same time I had this urge
to laugh. Man, it felt good.
So today's lesson teaches us not to piss off your local grocery
clerk or you'll house will burn.
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