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Capital of Nasty Vol. 03 Issue 21
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume III, Issue 21, AD MCMXCVIII
Monday, December 14th, 1998
ISSN 1482-0471
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"Man, she used to be such a pretty girl, now she looks like she's on
dope!"
"Well, on the bright side, you know exactly what to get her for
Christmas."
-------------------------------------------
Every year before Christmas, I become Orthodox so I have an extra twelve
days of shopping.
-------------------------------------------
1. Editorial
2. IMPROV Baby!
3. Top 10 things about e-mail, that suck (in no particular order)
4. Useless shit on the Internet
5. Movie Suggestions by Jeff Wright
6. The Search for Mr. Muggs
7. Star Trek: Insurrection
-------------------------------------------
This week's Golden Testicle award:
Sheep Shagging - a practical guide
http://www.wenet.net/~merritt/jokes/sexual/sheep_shagging.html
-------------------------------------------
1. Editorial
By CoN Staff
IT IS HARD TO DETERMINE if our readership doesn't like long issues or
long articles. From the assumption that it is the latter rather than the
former, this issue of CON is particularly long, due to a large number of
articles. CoN Editorial would love to hear your input in regards of
SIZE.
As for the last issue we received some good and some bad e-mails. Not
many, mind you, as our readership is not fond of writing (perhaps in fear
of their letter appearing here), but beside all that we thought the last
story (love and work) in issue 20 was one of the greatest. Mnemonix
writes:
> Congratulations in finding such a realistic, good writer for "love
> and work". His story reminded me of William Gibson's "Neuromancer"
> It also touches the mentality of "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest".
Esperanza, although wishing to remain anonymous, complained:
> what is that freaking-a long article in the end? Seemed to jump
> from one thing to another but I only got a glance.
Perhaps reading it might bring a different view to your mind.
Luke de Sade, decided to whine and complain because CoN was different for
once. Luke de Sade as well failed to read the issue.
> What the hell was this issue about?
> Ok, I'm not bitching or anything, but this issue seemed
> pointless. I didn't even finished it. I only read on the
> surface. I didn't get into it like past issues.
> The only article that touched me was "I met my father today" or
> something like that.
> It's such a shame that it takes a dying father to bring a separated
> family together. It's even worst that you realize that you love
> your father the moment you know he's dying. I imagine how Theresa
> must have felt when she realized how much time together they had lost.
Our next issue will deal with "Gods and Religions" and how we are all
going to go to hell. I'll leave you with Theresa Toth's reply to Luke de
Sade. Enjoy this issue. That's not a request.
---
I am quite happy that you found my article "touching", it's comforting
that a few people feel sympathy for me. But I wasn't expecting it... It
was indeed saddening about my father, but as the months go by, I learn to
adapt to the sudden loss. And I certainly was ashamed to have not
contacted my father earlier, but the past is the past, and for the
longest time I had hoped he would have contacted ME, to tell me he loved
me and wanted to see me, but he never did. His dying is what brought us
closer together. He was not always "so caring" and our differences is
what tore us apart. It took a loss of memory on his part to say he
forgave me.
But get one thing clear... I have ALWAYS loved my father, I just never
admitted it 'til now. I figured that because he chose alcohol instead of
me, that he hated me, but now I realize that it was a sickness, but even
though I have forgiven him now, I couldn't forgive the fact that he chose
booze over me in the past. If it had not been for his constant drinking,
my mother and I would have never left in the first place.
Y'know... I don't know which was the better way of dealing with his
death...if I hadn't seen him at the hospital and made peace with him
before he died, I would feel no remorse at his funeral, I would have
adapted quite well, or, after not seeing him for 4 years, then seeing him
in his death bed and him not remembering a thing about me. Should I have
actually gone to his funeral? Or should I have just not interfered with
his "new life" after my mother and I left? Who knows... who knows if I
have just made sense.
But that's how I feel.
-------------------------------------------
2. IMPROV Baby!
- When you buy smoked and cured meat, what exactly is it cured of...
because frankly, I don't want to eat anything that's been infected with
anything at all, even if it is cured... for that matter I thought smoking
was bad for your health... and so is red meat... hmmm here's a good idea:
let's take red meat which will slowly harden your arteries and lets
infest it with smoke... hmmm lung AND heart damage, all in one meal.
Gimme more.
- Guys... have you ever experienced this?... You're at a girl's house or
apartment... not a girl you've been dating for a long time... maybe it's
your first date or something... and you find yourself with the need to
urinate... no big deal, you kindly ask where the washroom is and excuse
yourself... nothing special about that... until you realize the washroom
is within earshot of the living room, more importantly the toilet is
within earshot... being a gentleman you don't want to offend this fine
young lady by subjecting her to the horrors of the sound of you relieving
yourself... so you try and aim it towards the side of the bowl, which is
difficult because she has one of those cute fuzzy seat covers on the lid
(personally I think if you want to do someone a favour those fuzzy things
should be on the actual seat you sit on... never mind the cover)... so
you got one hand trying to keep the lid up while the other is taking
target practice on the side of the bowl... oh shit, you missed... you
couldn't just hit the floor... no you had to hit the textured wall
paper... all of this in the name of chivalry... BUT gentlemen never
notice that theory changes when you get into a public washroom... you
know, you're standing at a urinal, you don't want the guy cleaning his
hands to think that you're not a real man... you know "unendowed"... so
what do you do? You aim it right for the bottom of the urinal, where the
most noise is made... "Urrrgh, me big man... pee loud!"
- Is it just me...? Or is sitting down on a chair that is HOT from
someone else'sass just about the most disgusting feeling possible?
- This is the way the world work's... it costs like 400 dollars to buy a
lazy
boy chair (recliner, excuse me)... 400 dollars, and that's the cheap
model... how in the hell can a lazy man get 400 dollars? Here be a lazy
boy... but you have to work for 400 dollars first!
-------------------------------------------
3. Top 10 things about e-mail, that suck (in no particular order)
By Jeff "King Of The Articulate" Wright
There are many things I don't like about e-mail, and these are them
(10 of them to be precise).
SPAM - Yes, the topic of this issue of CoN. I don't like having to weed
through shit that I don't want to read. If SPAM was as in regards to
something I'm interested in, then I don't think I'd mind it. Of course
it never is. Oh, and I hate it when the address they give you to send
your removal request to doesn't work. Goddamn whores!!!
CHAIN LETTERS - What kind of a fucked up kid wants e-mails sent all
around the world as his or her final wish?!?!? If I'm a little kid and
I'm dying, I'm going to Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch.
MAILING LISTS - I haven't ever subscribed to one because I don't really
think I need my mailbox flooded with messages I can selectively read on a
message board.
MULTIPLE RECIPIANT MAILS - Is it really hard to personalize a message
you're sending out to a friend? Don't send a message to 10 or so
friends, saying the same (and usually pointless) thing. It's not polite.
Plus, it always feels good when you see your name near the bottom of a
recipient list doesn't it?
LARGE ATTACHED FILES - I don't want a file the size of John Holmes' dick
attached to a mail unless I've said that I want it.
LACK OF SECURITY - There's nothing to keep someone from reading your e-
mail if you're using a program like Eudora. Is it illegal like opening
someone's letter mail? Just wondering.
THE MIDDLE MAN - Do the people at your internet provider read the
occasional mail? I probably would. Or can they? Cuz I know some
providers have some sort of program that stops a mail from going through
the system if it's riddled with profanity. I just want to try something.
Please ignore then next few lines:
- CUNT RAG SNIFFING ASS RAMMING MOTHERFUCKING SON OF A DONKEY FUCKING
WHORE!!!
- What did you call me?
- You heard me. I called you a CUNT RAG SNIFFING ASS RAMMING
MOTHERFUCKING SON OF A DONKEY FUCKING WHORE!!!
Okay, I just want to see if this doesn't get through any servers. If it
gets stopped by your server, e-mail us and we'll send you an edited
version. Actually, no we won't!!! We won't be censored by THE
MAN!!!!!!!
THE REAR WINDOW REMAKE - What I saw of it, it was one of the worst
fucking movies I've ever seen. Why remake these fantastic Hitchcock
films? PLEEEEEEASE GOD, TELL ME WHY!!! Is Christopher Reeves going to
star in a remake of Born On The Fourth Of July next (how'll he do the
flashbacks?).
YOU'VE GOT MAIL - How bad does that movie look?
CAPITAL OF NASTY - Do I really have to explain myself? I think that
'nuff is said.
-------------------------------------------
4. Useless Shit on the Internet
By Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro
It's fashionable nowadays to bash the Internet for the poor quality of
material it contains: porn sites (you don't need a URL for this one, just
do a search on lightbulbs or something innocent, and a site will pop up),
stupid pages that cherish some stupid looking wrestling player (I kid you
not: http://www.geocities.com/Colosseum/Field/2399/flair.html), and of
course, pages with useful information such as 'how women can pee standing
up' (I wish I was kidding:
http://www.geocities.com/Yosemite/Gorge/1377/standing.html).
The truth is that we have no-one to blame but ourselves for letting the
'net become a place that any idiot can join. Long gone are the days of
Unix-only accounts, checking your mail with Pine, struggling to read the
news without any Make Money Fast letters and looking up useful
information with Gopher.
Nope, nowadays anyone can get an account, and if they don't have space
for a webpage on their ISP, they can go through Xoom or Geocities.
Geocities should be banned from every ISP in the world. When a Geocities
link appears in a search engine never fails that at least half of them
will be broken. The other stuff contains information so useless and
pointless, you gotta wonder who is the person that spent the time doing
it.
There is an advantage in all of this: the Internet should be used in
Psych class so that the soon-to-be Shrinks can take a good look at what
cases they are going to have to diagnose. A webpage represents the
thoughts and logic of the human being that created it. Many of them
would obviously quit school and start working jobs like garbage
collectors, but those few that remain would be some serious ass-kicking
Shrinks.
Now, most of this stuff is usually far far away from us. Unless we like
to spend most of our time surfing the 'net, thinking that this is what
"being on the net" all means, we'll hardly see this evil that lurks on
the IP next to yours. Unfortunately, sometimes, be it ICQ or e-mail, you
get a URL from someone you know.
Take it the other day. Got an ICQ message that just contained this URL:
http://members.xoom.com/dor_sho/kiss.htm
I forget who half the people are on my endless list of people, but since
the person was on my ICQ, I assumed it had to be something good, perhaps
CoNnish or related.
Being a Xoom page, I should've known this spelled trouble. But being the
bloke that I am, I checked it anyway.
Now, how many of you have received a URL which brings you to a "ICQ
snowball fight" page? Shit like this seems to have sprouted as fast as
the popularity of ICQ. I've received the "ICQ snowball fight" URL
countless times from people that I thought had some brains. Apparently,
and forgive me here if I miss the hilarity behind such things as sending
this silly drivel to others, this is humorous. I usually grind my teeth
in disbelief at the same frequency of the grinding noise of my hard disk
loading Explorer.
So let's take a look at this page. On a positive note it wasn't the "ICQ
snowball page", but it might as well just have been:
> YOU'VE JUST BEEN KISSED BY A CYBER PUPPY!!
You load the page and you are greeted by what the author considers "art".
It is some sort of animal that looks like an overgrown hunting dog. It's
got fangs rather than teeth. It also has blue saliva and a giant human
tongue. Saliva and tongue are animated. This twisted weird thing I
can't comprehend is a puppy. I'd hate to see this fucker when it's fully
grown.
> Isn't he CUTE?!! :-)
Actually no. But I guess whoever drew that thing wasn't very talented,
so we'll give them credit for at least trying.
> Wait a sec! What's that on your face??
It's my expression of disgust using my facial muscles. First, I can't
believe they sent me this URL. Second, that there are actually people
who bother to do pages such as this just to show a few quantizillion ads.
If you check the length of this page, you'll notice how 3/4 of it are
banners.
> YUCK!!!!!
Not quite what I said, but since you can't see my face, this will sum it
up nicely.
> How GROSS!!!!
Gross? The page? Oh yeah.
> He slobbered all over you!!
Yes, the feeling you get from this page is as if someone just took a big
long warm piss on you.
> Cyber Puppy Slobber is one of the stickiest substances known to
> man (or woman *LOL*).
I could name others. There is one thing that really gets on my nerves,
next to emoticons (and God knows I am guilty of using them), but if there
is one thing I can't stand it's that *LOL*. This is there to point out
it's funny. I wonder how many actually laughed when they got to this
page. If the counter could do this, it would be neat to see it say:
"number of people that got slobbered: 52,123"
"number of people that found this somewhere in the vicinity of remotely
amusing: 4".
> There is only ONE possible way to get rid of it!
Yes. To take the pages offline. Or kill the author. Since that can't
be done, as stuff like this pops up like mushrooms in a humid corner of
your room, the best one can do is to simply reforward this URL to the
person that sent it to you one million times.
> Do you want me to tell you how you do it?
> Ok, I figured you would, so I'll be nice and help you. :-)
> (After all, it's partly my fault you're covered in Cyber Puppy
> Slobber.)
I wonder if I could use this in my defence, in a court of law, after
accidentally shooting the author several hundred times.
> You can get rid of it by passing it on to everyone you know!
This is also another great way to give away your own popularity. Think
about it before you forward this to your friends: what will they think of
you?
> Send this page to all the people you know by forwarding the
> URL in e-mail, ICQ, AIM, or any other means at your disposal.
Also known as chain-letters which unfortunately waste plenty of bandwidth
on the net causing immense congestion. Isn't it re-assuring to know that
you are getting an 8% packet loss because there is stuff like this
travelling on the 'net?
> I'm sure your friends will be THRILLED that you're so sweet and
> are sharing your Cyber Puppy Slobber with them! :-)
Thrilled? Oh yeah. Don't wonder afterwards why they don't reply to your
e-mails and have set you on ICQ to "always invisible".
> By the way, if you want to see my other pets, click on the
> puppy to go to my homepage!
Oh yes! With a link that states:
> How I Found A Husband on the Internet
The best part are the first few lines:
> On the night of September 15, 1996, I was in the Star Trek
> chat room in WBS, looking for someone to talk to.
Need I say more?
Leandro *LOL*
-------------------------------------------
5. Movie Suggestions
From your friendly neighbourhood Spiderman, Jeff Wright
I'm changing the format once again to something very simple. I'm going
to put the names of 3 movies that are very good, followed by the film's
link at the internet movie database. I'm doing this because it's a rush
sometimes to think of a couple movies that are related to the issue's
topic, right a blurb about each one, and then write an article. This way
I can put more time into my articles, though I'm not sure it's going to
make any difference in their quality. So here are this month's 3 movie
suggestions. All three are in theatres now.
A Simple Plan
http://us.imdb.com/Title?Simple+Plan,+A+(1998)
American History X
http://us.imdb.com/Title?American+History+X+(1998)
Life Is Beautiful (La Vita e Bella)
http://us.imdb.com/Title?Vita+%E8+bella,+La+(1997)
Go see some movies!!!
-------------------------------------------
6. The Search for Mr. Muggs
By Jason MacIsaac
The other day I was feeling pretty down and I decided to do something
childish to cheer myself up. I do that from time to time. Once during
my high school days, I went back to my old neighborhood--the apartment
building I resided in when I was attended Grade 1 at Saint Gerard's
Elementary School. I did the whole tour--my old building, my old school,
and I even treated myself to a Cherry Blossom--a confectionery I was
addicted to when I was young.
So I saw where I used to have crab-apple fights. Where I used to
toboggan. The parking garage where the local future Metal Shop Kids lit
an old van wreck on fire. From this trip, I learned two things--Saint
Gerard's hasn't changed a bit. In fact, I think the Metal Shops kids are
still in enrolled there. It must be really weird having to teach 1st
graders who shave and have a parole officer.
I also learned that the building I lived in when I was really young is a
real fucking dump. We're not talking ghetto here, but it was pretty
brutal. I once tore my finger on some exposed metalwork in the stairwell
wall (I still have the scar), and although the metalwork is done, I think
the bloodstain is still there.
I never noticed what a dump it was until now. When you're that young,
you don't notice shit that's around you as much. You haven't been
exposed to the wide world of shit, so you didn't always recognize it for
what it is. Your shit detector doesn't kick in until about your early
teens.
Anyway, recently I got the urge to revisit my childhood again. I didn't
want to go back to the old 'hood, but I did have a taste for looking up
an old childhood buddy.
Mr. Muggs.
For those of you who don't know, and I suspect there are many, Mr. Muggs
was the hero of a series of children's books specifically designed for
young grades. Mr. Muggs was a big friendly-looking white and grey
sheepdog, who was owned by a little boy--my memory is shaky here--I think
his name might have been Henry. Whoever he was, he and Mr. Muggs would
go around having various adventures.
We started early with Mr. Muggs stories--one of the few brilliant ideas
I've encountered in my education. As you progressed through the grades,
they gradually increased the sophistication of the books. They gradually
raised the bar of the reading ability necessary to appreciate the books,
but since it was your ol buddy the Muggster, that's exactly what you did.
Like most kids my age, I loved Mr. Muggs.
I moved just after 1st grade ended, and went to a school where they
didn't teach the gospel according to Mr. Muggs. I was crushed. Looking
back, I think this was the first signpost that indicated that life was
really going to suck sometimes.
Nearly 20 years later, here I am trying to look up my old friend. I can't
very well go marching back into St. Gerard's and demand to see these old
books, they'd think I was some pedophile and lock me up. Besides, they
probably don't use them anymore (Mr. Muggs books, not pedophiles). Gotta
keep up with the late 90s. And since rampant consumerism has forced
children to grow up faster, they're probably reading Georgy's First
Foreskin Piercing or something like that now.
Fortunately, I have an Internet connection, and if you have an Internet
connection, you have access to the largest collection of the most useless
information. If someone actually took the time to make a page dedicated
to that old show Tales Of the Gold Monkey
(http://members.aol.com/pma082267/goldmonkey/board.html--oh, an AOL user
too.), then surely someone, somewhere, has posted information about Mr.
Muggs. So I went to the search engines and began my quest. This is a
record of what I found.
My search was somewhat disappointing.
[Pixie Dust Productions
Gallery of Dolls Click on Thumbnails to view full size pictures Swizzle
An Elf For Al
http://www.pixiedust.com/gallery.html]
Pixie Dust Productions sounds awfully poofy. Nonetheless, sometimes
children's books and entertainment companies are given very sugary names,
so I thought I'd give it a shot.
It turns out that it's a gallery of those weird ceramic figures that
deranged old ladies and Martha Stewart types break out around Christmas.
They have elves, fairies, Father Christmas, etc. Muggs is the name of
one them, described as an "8 inch elfin boy with red hair and a poseable
body dressed in black and white with sculpted shoes." Despite clothing
that would get him beaten up on the playground, Muggs looks
distinctly evil. I think it's the eyes. Remember visiting relatives
when you were a kid and sleeping in an adult's room? You know how they
always had some knickknack strategically placed in the room that
completely freaked you out? This is just such a figure. Put this in a
room over night with a four year-old and he'd be screaming it was trying
to eat him in the morning. Not an auspicious start to my quest.
[GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS: Trainer Talk
http://www.nba.com/warriors/00556938.html ]
Intriguing...Mr. Muggs in the NBA? He seemed a little short for the NBA,
but who knows?
"Q: Hi Tom! I'm writing because I was wondering what the status is on
Muggsy Bogues. I read that he recently tore his hamstring. How long do
you think it will be until Warrior fans get to see Muggs back in the
lineup?"
Aha. This page is a Q&A forum for Tom Abdenour, the trainer of the
Golden State Warriors. Since Muggs is the last name in question, and
Muggsy Bogues has "Muggs" in his first name, obviously he is not the
sheepdog I'm looking for. In fact, I suspect he isn't a sheepdog at all.
Mr. Abdenour answers with a basic status report of the injury. I would
have answers thusly.
A: Thank you for you inquiry about Muggsy Bogues. You will not,
however, be seeing him in the lineup any time soon. The NBA is on
strike. Not every player has a running shoe named after him, so the
player's union is demanding justice. On the plus side, that hamstring is
unlikely to suffer any further strain in a picket line.
[Linda My Snazzy List of Links
This page has been visited times. ALOHA Fy fan vikken trkig sajda jag
har gjort!! Jag vill ha egna bilder p min sida t
http://members.tripod.com/~Kelli_Sk8/blackmilk.html]
I don't know what this is, but the counter indicated that I was visitor
#1. Hey, do I get some kind of prize?
It just seems to be a list of various Internet handles and a handful of
links that don't work. The name "Muggs" is sandwiched between
"Mr.Mosstone" and "Nada Surf ." Some of the handles indicate ravers and
abbreviate the word "skate" to "sk8." So I didn't find my childhood
buddy, but if anyone is in the market for misspelled handles and
nauseating Internet shortform, have a I got a link for you.
[The Karaoke Store & More - The Where To Sing Page
http://www.karaokestore.com/venues.htm]
Here I found a listing of places that have karaoke in the Norteastern
corner of the United States. Curiously enough, the page is labeled "The
Best Places To Sing Karaoke" and not "Places to Avoid Like a Speed Trap."
There is a place known as "Muggs Pub" in Suffern, New York. If it has a
karaoke bar, there's an i missing between the r and the n. I really hope
Mr. Muggs didn't end up there. The thought of him presiding over a bunch
of drunken Islander fans standing shakily on stage and singing
"Margaritaville" makes me sink into a deep depression.
"Some people claim that there's a woman to blame, and I know it's my own
damn fault."
[http://us.imdb.com/Tsearch?title=mr+muggs&type=substring&from_year=1890&
to_year=2005&sort=smart&tv=both&x=14&y=5]
The IMDB is an excellent resource for movie lovers. Seeing this link to
Mr. Muggs lead to it, I wondered if Mr. Muggs went Hollywood.
Looks like Mr. Muggs was a character in a series of movies that began in
the early 1940s, well before the reign of my Muggsy. The first to
mention the character directly was Mr. Muggs Steps Out (1943). Curiously
enough, despite being the title character, Muggs is billed 7th (and Muggs
is his first name, not his last-- Ethelbert Aloysius "Muggs" McGinnis).
He's played by Leo Gorcey, who seems to have made a career of about 87
movies playing just two characters almost exclusively. Muggs is one, Slip
Mahoney is the other. Interestingly enough, his final movie, release
after his death (The Phynx, 1970) list Leo Gorcey is in the credits as
"Himself." Must have been a tough role to slip into after all that
time.
[WashingtonPost.com: The Cult Controversy
PEOPLE'S TEMPLE Jim Jones, People's Temple leader, and his wife,
Marceline. UPI photo MORE ABOUT PEOPLE'S TEMPLE Survivor: 'They Started
With the Babies' The Final ...
29% Date: 29 Jul 1998, Size 13.0K, http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-
srv/national/longterm/cult/people/people4.htm]
This link didn't work, and that drive me crazy. God in Heaven, please
tell me that Mr. Muggs isn't connected with some suicide cult. That's
like learning the one cool teacher in school embezzled millions from the
school board and fled the country...wait, actually, that would be pretty
cool. Okay, it's like learning the one cool teacher in school became a
vice principle and lost all sense of humor (a requirement of the
position).
Picture this: a child growing up watching Peewee's Playhouse. Twenty
years later, he thinks fondly about his youth and the shows he used to
watch on Saturday morning. From him, the represent a time of joy,
imagination, and innocence. He recalls that the show was suddenly
canceled, and wonders why. Then he's told "Because Peewee was caught
jerking off in a porno theater." What was that? That was the sound of a
treasured childhood illusion shattering, thank you very much.
Associating Mr. Muggs with a death cult does exactly the same thing for
me. So I gotta know--what the hell was the link?
[<< | One B.A.D. Rap World | >>
http://www.galactica.it/101/black/rap/groupe/index_m.htm]
This turned out to be a page listing rap performers. They all had names
that were misspelled, like "Mystikal" or had an incoherent and somewhat
repetitive moniker such as "Missy Missdemeanor Elliott." Could Mr. Muggs
have left children's literature to become a gangsta rapper?
Yo ho, call me Muggs
get down and i call off my thuggs
it's lyrical, and a miracle
you gonna get rich
if you be my bitch
show me the honey,
I show you the money
they say its crimes
when I lay down the rhymes
coz they say a brother like me gotta do the time
Somehow I couldn't picture the beloved sheepdog of my youth singing that.
Or wearing baggy pants, surrounded by a pile of money and women in
swimsuits and high heels with a scowl like he's constipated, which seems
to be all that's required to be a rapper these days (That, or sample
someone else's song.). It's true. I think rappers are trying to look
like they have an attitude, but to me it looks like they're feeling the
itch of some embarrassing ailment below the belt. I know it's not nice
to speak ill of the dead, but whenever I see pictures of Notorious B.I.G.
the scowl on his face makes me want to recommend something that clears up
hemorrhoids.
It turns out that it wasn't my Mr. Muggs on listed on this page. As near
as I can tell, "Muggs" was the stage name of a rapper who had been with
several different groups. I knew Mr. Muggs couldn't have gone in for
this sort of thing. The Mr. Muggs books were far better written.
TO BE CONTINUED?
I tried Lycos, Infoseek, and Yahoo, but no luck. As you can tell, all I
found was a lot of useless information. Curiously enough, none of the
engines in went through turned up a sex link, which is odd, because
sometimes the Internet seems to consist 90% of porn. You could do a
search for window caulking and turn up a sex link ("These are images I
found on alt.sex.sheep.n.chickens.window.caulking...").
Now I know somewhere someone is obsessively looking for an 8 inch elfin
boy with red hair and a poseable body dressed in black and white with
sculpted shoes, so I hope they read this and realize their quest. I
guess I have one more micro-obsession to add to my own list though.
Anyone who remembers Mr. Muggs, and/or knows where I can find him, please
contact me at jason@scriba.org.
-------------------------------------------
7. Star Trek: Insurrection
By Jason MacIsaac
I think Leandro is going to be a little disappointed with this review. I
think he expected me to hate this movie (the advance buzz was not
promising) and then rip it to shreds in an amusing, if bitter fashion.
Tragically, I ended up liking this movie. In fact, I think it's the
strongest of the NextGen movies so far.
You might have two different reactions to that. One might be that you
loved First Contact and it had the Borg so no frickin way iz it better
than First Contact d00000000000000000d! If that is your reaction, I am
willing to donate a substantial amount to fund your vasectomy. We must
act before you get a chance to breed.
Your second reaction is that Insurrection being better than the first two
movies is no big stretch, considering the quality of Generations and
First Contact. Fair enough. For the record, I thought First Contact was
okay, but they've done the Borg thing far too many times. Although you
have to like a movie where someone attempts Faster Than Light travel to
the tune of Magic Carpet Ride by Steppenwolf. As for Generations, I
enjoyed the special effects and I loved Malcolm McDowell, but don't think
about that plot for a second.
Now, Insurrection is an improvement over these two movies. First, it's
the most tightly plotted of all of them. Both Generations and FC had
lots of moments where you thought "Why don't they just..." or "How
come..." Insurrection isn't perfect, but it does drastically cut down on
moments like that.
And although they do have a few too cutesy moments for my taste, they cut
down on the more obvious crowd-pleasing moments (The Holodoctor cameo in
FC, "Assimilate this," etc).
So my recommendation: go see it. It's a lot of fun, good effects, and
the story has a little more thought behind it this time. Besides, the
woman Picard falls in love with is hot. Still, I have a few
recommendations/suggestions for the problems that still persist in the
series. I'm going to list them now to conclude this review. There are
no spoilers, at least not anyone with a functioning brain cell. If you
are surprised to learn that there's a few dramatic countdowns in a Trek
movie and that disaster is averted at the last second, I'll chip in for
your vasectomy too.
Jason's Suggestions for a Better Trek Movie
- Eliminate the reliance on technobabble to create and solve problems.
I'm really sick of things interfering with the transporter beam.
- Kill the ensemble cast. When they created the TV show, they introduced
a huge cast. Maybe somebody wouldn't get used that week, but there was
always a show next week to make use of the character. Now they've got
less than two hours to give everyone in the cast something to do.
Insurrection is better at this, but look at First Contact. What was
Crusher's big moment? Activating the Holodoctor, who totally upstaged
her. What was Troi's? Getting drunk. Geordi's? He got to focus his
artificial eyes on something. Wow. What rewarding parts. There are
too many characters and most of them make no impact whatsoever, so some
of them should die. My vote goes to Riker. He's getting too pudgy for
the role and would rather direct anyway. Besides, he's a menace to the
entire crew (see next comment).
- So, if I were in a space ship with inbound hostile ships, and to
command my ship I had a choice of Commander Riker, a fourteen year old
who was "Not bad" at Wing Commander, and a dead yak, my preferences (in
order) would be the fourteen year old, the dead yak, and Riker a distant
third. What's really sickening is how they marvel at his tactical
brilliance. Let's see, letting the enemy ship beat the hell out of the
Enterprise. Asking for a damage report. Getting hit some more. Asking
for another damage report. Then trying some technobabble-laden trick to
kill other ship. Yep, he's a genius. Riker gets another opportunity to
nearly destroy the Enterprise in Insurrection as well.
- Has Picard and company ever followed orders? Just once I'd like to see
Star Fleet issue an order and instead of them rebelling, they say "Wow,
that idea is a lot better than the lame ass thing we were going to do."
- Message to Rick Berman: did you know that people who like Star Trek
tend to like a lot of other scifi? Did you know that a high percentage
of people who saw First Contact also saw Aliens? Did you know that a lot
of people who have seen Insurrection have also seen Brazil? I can see
the story conference for the next Trek movie. Berman bursts in and says
and "Hey guys! I found this great but obscure movie we can borrow stuff
from. It's directed by some guy named 'Lucas'..."
- Insurrection also has a tendency to cut out effective moments. For
example, there's a death scene that could be far gorier than it was.
When it went down, you could feel the audience squirm uncomfortably
anticipating the worst, but they chicken out with the gore (remember the
ear-mite scenes from Wrath of Kahn? This would have been even better).
Also, they had a chance to do some cool special effects with a particular
feature of the Enterprise, but they cut this down too. Why?
Anyway, rant over. Although it might not sound like it, I did enjoy this
movie. Of course, when the words "Episode One" scroll across the screen
in May 1999, everyone's going to be saying "Trek who?"
-------------------------------------------
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