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Capital of Nasty Vol. 02 Issue 10
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume II, Issue 10, Year AD MCMXCVII
Monday, March 10th, 1997
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"She didn't strike me as being that with it. But in
her role she doesn't have to deal with computers that much.
Everybody else does it for her." - Chris Bailey, the student
who showed the Queen how to send an e-mail message, from
England to Nakina, Ontario.
Royal Web Site http://www.royal.gov.uk
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If you can't find any knee pads around, and you're at 'her' place,
maxi pads (preferably unused) can come in handy.
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1. Readers' Letters
A. Rough day at no frills
B. Welcome to CANADIA, eh?
2. So, you want to write your own e-zine...
3. Laugh it up, fuzzball.
4. Barney the Dinosaur (for AD&D)
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1. Readers' Letters
A. Rough day at no frills
Date sent: Mon, 03 Mar 1997 03:33:07 -0500
To: con@ifront.com
From: Colin Barrett <tyrannis@capnasty.org>
Subject: Rough day at no frills (CoN II.09)
Don Leo,
I would like to make you, and our the rest of our fellow readership, aware
of the fact that my mother once worked for two IGA grocery stores, and that
not all employees of IGA behave in the same manner as the IGA clerks
portrayed in this story.
My mother and her fellow workers were only involved in covert operations
authorised by Oshawa Foods, IGA's supplier, against the grocery chain known
as Knob Hill Farms. no frills stores were never a target of these actions
simply because my mother's first store was at Jones and Danforth, and the
two closest no frills supermarkets are located at Coxwell between Gerrard
and Cabbagetown. The second store, located at Pape and Danforth, was less
that a kilometre away from the first.
Readers also note that while the CCCP publishes Capital of Nasty, the BBC
does not endorse any of its content.
Thank you.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
B. Welcome to CANADIA, eh?
Date sent: Mon, 3 Mar 1997 01:50:50 -0500 (EST)
From: ajr <alexis.roettinger@yale.edu>
To: CoN Members <con@ifront.com>
Subject: Re: Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine II.09
Ok, this time I didn't hit reply by accident. And the first time I didn't
either, but then I decided what I had been going to say was stupid. But
here it is.
I was just going to comment that, as an american, the term
african-american has come to sound totally normal to me. But seeing the
term african-canadian, which i'm sure sounds just as natural to canadians
(i.e. people from canadia) totally cracked me up.
and, as far as opinion goes, the no frills bit was funny. :)
and I'll leave you with a disgusting little fact I found out today. (feel
free to censor, since it is not UNintentionally offensive.)
Ever heard the term "squick"? Well, you might have. Or not. But anyway,
it means "to gross out". For example "I totally squicked my lab partner
when i cut my fingertip off." Well today I read somewhere the origin of
the term. It said "squick- from the sound made when
penetrating/copulating with the brain of corpse, by means of a hole
drilled in the skull."
Gross. But not as bad as munging, but that I will leave for a future
letter.
Alessia
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Alex Roettinger alexroet@pantheon.yale.edu
Yale University http://pantheon.cis.yale.edu/~alexroet
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
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2. So, you want to write your own e-zine...
by Leandro (ordnael@freenet.hut.fi)
The reason we started writing this zine was for fun, for the
intention that one day we'd go public, and most of all because it's cool to
be able to say "Hey, I got a web site!". That was 1994, and now in 1997 we
kind of have something that we call an e-zine which is distributed and that
nobody reads, and when I say "I got a web site!" some people still look at
me funny and say "Wuz that?". The stuff that gets published here is usually
stolen from some other magazine, borrowed from someone, and if it's not
written by us, by some kind and gentle contributor that feels sorry for us.
Even I, as Editor in Chief, don't read some of the things that get published
here. Take for example that "Fascism & Communism" in our last issue. Who
read that shit anyway? It was long and boring just to look at.
Writing CoN is a torture, especially when I come back home on a
Sunday night, after having worked all day, and having spent the night with
my girlfriend. It's 2 AM and you are stretching your toes and you think
"ahww, shit, I forgot to do CoN". Thank God for electronic media. All I
have to do is cut and paste some stuff, put it together, call it CoN and
mail it. Sometimes, if I am fried enough (after inhaling too much of the
gases produced by the bacteria that grows in the creamery support room), I
manage to write something. Although what I write usually makes no sense (ie.
"hard day at no frills") and my spelling goes on vacation (embarassing to
see what I wrote afterwards), I am surprised nobody tells me to go back to
Grade 9 English.
Depending on the type of magazine you intend to write, you'll need
to remove or add certain amounts of your brain. If you want to write the
"Miracle of Saint Joseph Newsletter of the Roman Chatolic Church of Saint
Martin in the Fields", you'll require a much more professional English.
Special care must be placed in wording things correctly to avoid offending
people. Also you'll have to make sure that your readers and contributors
follow the etiquette of your zine.
If you write stuff like CoN, and you just underwent a lobotomy, your
material will probably improve in quality. If you are worried that any of
the things you might say will offend some of your PC readers, you will
certainly be rid of them after a few issues. Who needs letters from readers
that give negative criticism instead of constructive one anyway?
Find a manifesto for your e-zine, something for what your magazine
is fighting for, or supporting. However I don't think it's really that
necessary, for CoN at the moment exists but nobody really knows what purpose
it has. It would help if you don't have a life, because it will give you a
lot of time to sit down and design your magazine, write articles (instead of
doing them at work like I am now). A girlfriend is out of the question
completely because then you'll start postponing everything important, just
think what could happen to your magazine. I mean, look at me, I'm supposed
to mail this thing out at 12:01AM every Monday morning.. how many times have
I been succesful? Not many.
Another important thing you'll need is readers. Without them, your
zine is useless. If you post your zine on alt.ezines, you'll be lucky if
you get one or maybe two subscribers. Just grab everyone's e-mail address
you have collected over the years, and send it to them. Doesn't matter if
they complain, ask to be removed, threaten to kill you. It just shows that
people appreciate what you are writing anyway. What you should be worried
about is people that never say a thing.
Lastly, you'll be forced to learn/improve the English language (or
whatever language you are publishing your media in). This will allow you to
develop a beter speling, a miuch moor interesting way of writing things in
order hence and therefore and here and thereagain to make whatever and so
forth you are writing much more intelligible and interesting. And lets not
forget that concluding conclusions which are the vital part of an article.
So like, this is the end.
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3. Laugh it up, fuzzball
by Jason MacIsaac <jason@ifront.com>
BILL GATES: POLITICALLY INCORRECT THINGS HE COULD SAY
1. "DOS users! They come over here, marry our women, mix with the
general population, steal our jobs..."
2. "These Linux users have these big families and they expect the
state to look after them..."
3. "What do you say to an OS/2 programmer with a job? Big Mac and
fries, please!"
4. "I think those Netscape users should just go back to where they
came from."
5. "What do you call a MacIntosh user with a 12X CD ROM? Thief!"
6. "Hey! Let's go Unix-bashing!"
7. "Windows 95's place is in the home."
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4. Barney the Dinosaur (for AD&D)
courtesy of Peter Fung (alpha1@pathcom.com)
AD&D Monster Manual Addendum
AD&D Monster Manual IV
Barney
CLIMATE/TERRAIN: Nine Hells, Gehenna, Hades, The Abyss, PBS
FREQUENCY: Very rare or daily at 4 pm
ORGANIZATION: Solitary
ACTIVITY CYCLE: Day
DIET: Little children's minds
INTELLIGENCE: Insipid (-12)
TREASURE: Merchandising contracts
ALIGNMENT: Purple evil
NO. APPEARING: (may be attended by 1-100 Barney zombies, see below)
ARMOR CLASS: 10 (big and plush)
MOVEMENT: 3
HIT DICE: 8
THAC0: 12
NO. OF ATTACKS: 2
DAMAGE/ATTACK: 1-10 (x2)
SPECIAL ATTACKS: Hug (damage 3-30)
SPECIAL DEFENSES: Aura of intolerable idiocy
MAGIC RESISTANCE: 90%
SIZE: L (8' tall)
MORALE: Stupid (30)
XP VALUE: 4,000
Barney is a demon from the lower planes, a great purple and plush deformed
dinosaur. It is the enemy of intelligent lifeforms, eternally seeking out small
children and feeding on their natural intelligence and curiousity.
Combat: Barney will normally attack with it's two great paws, each
inflicting 1-20 points of damage. If a victim is struck with either paw and
fails a saving throw versus paralyzation, they are dragged to Barney and may
be hugged next round. A hug inflicts 3-30 points of damage each round until
the victim or Barney is killed.
Barney may also utter a 'Power word I love you' once every three rounds.
Any adults hearing the power word must save versus spells or flee in
terror for 1-6 rounds. Any child hearing the power word must save versus
spells or be controlled by Barney.
He or she will thereafter follow Barney's commands with a delightful smile,
and is subject to continued brainwashing. Each day that a child is in
Barney's control they may be taught another lesson by Barney, decreasing
their intelligence and wisdom by 1. When either stat reaches zero, the
child becomes a mindless Barney zombie!
Barney zombies follow his commands with love and a delightful smile, and
eagerly spend gold coins on Barney merchandise.
Barney is constantly surrounded by an aura of intolerable idiocy. Any
individual within 20' must save versus spells once per round or lose 1
point of intelligence. When intelligence reaches zero, the victim falls to
the ground in a quivering, gibbering wreck.
Intelligence may be regained at the rate of 1 point per day afterwards. In
addition, the aura tends to makes pells go awry, tactics to fail, and
mundane items to become intelligent with their own insipid personalities.
Habitat/Society: Barney resides in a great temple and television studio
on the lowest plane of the Abyss, with areas extending into every lower
plane and prime material plane via transdimensional gates. He is constantly
surrounded there by 1-100 Barney zombies clutching plush dolls and
lollipops, which they may use as +2 maces in combat.
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