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Capital of Nasty Vol. 02 Issue 13
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume II, Issue 13, Year AD MCMXCVII
Monday, March 31th, 1997
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There is nothing worse than a tough strip loin of beef, especially
when you're a vegetarian.
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"How can you possibly show a man's bloody, severed leg bobbing up
and down in a wood chipper during prime time?"
-- Colin Barrett reflecting on plans for a television series
based on the Coen Brothers movie Fargo.
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1. Readers' Letters
A. CoNEM with ACID
B. Da krauts das gut.
2. News bites from the Future
3. things that make no sense
4. One new distribution list.
5. 41 Things I Learned From ID4 That I Never Knew Before
6. Sun Dance
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1. Readers' Letters
A. CoNEM with ACID
> Date: Tue, 01 Apr 1997 04:37:12 -0800
> From: alpha1@pathcom.com
> To: leandro@capnasty.org
> Subject: Re:CoN II.13 Ha Ha Very Funny!
> I think that either I received the wrong copy of CoN, OR I am very
> tired and I can't read at the moment. Please help me figure this one
> out!
> Peter
B. Da krauts das gut.
> Date: Tue, 1 Apr 1997 17:20:03 -0500 (EST)
> From: Betty Kwan <b3kwan@acs.ryerson.ca>
> To: Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro <leandro@capnasty.org>
> Subject: Re: Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine II.13
>
> Loved that last issue. The German was a nice touch. Now if only I
> could read it...
>
> Betty,
Yes, you are both right. Unfortunately I must've accidentally
switched the dictionary inside of "Microsoft Word" from "UK English"
to "1938 German".
Leandro+
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2. News bites from the Future
April 17, 2027
ROCHESTER (Reuters) -- In a press conference, the Mayo clinic announced
that a team of researchers has successfully thawed a cryogenically frozen
human being and brought him back to life. Representatives from Alcor
Corporation, which specializes in cryogenics, were present to tell next of
kin and descendants of people they had froze that their loved ones will be
with them shortly.
Meanwhile, the Walt Disney Company is assembling all their youngest and
most healthy male employees to determine whose body will complement the
head of founder Walter Disney who died and had his head frozen in 1966.
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3. things that make no sense
by Leandro (leandro@capnasty.org)
It's finally over. I'm home. No more cheek-kissing, no more
garlic breathing uncles asking you too many questions for your to
answer with one breath of air, hugging relatives, sitting for hours
at the dinner table listening to stories about the war that I hear
every time everyone gets together. Next year I am going to tape what
each individual person is going to say, and if a relative dies or
something, all I have to do is put a dummy with a picture of their
faces taped on it, and press play.
Voila`! Instant relative.
I'd like to know who is the guy that can't aim in the toilet.
Everytime I enter the washroom, someone completely missed the hole,
wetting the seat and the floor. What's the matter with this guy?
Is the pressure too high and he can't control where he's aiming at?
My girlfriend is complaining that I don't call too often. Then
she turns around and says that it's just the way she is, afraid that she
is putting too much into the relationship and that she realizes that I
give back in other ways.
"I'm sorry that this bugs you, but I am not exactly a phone
person" I excused myself.
"Oh no, I understand. It doesn't bother me, honestly".
I guess that is why she is always pointing out the fact that I don't call
too often.
She has promised to write an article on "Why guys never call".
My mother, like a good Italian woman, would give me a good beating
when I deserved it. I think that it made me a better man, except for the
severe brain damage. the day she decided to stop hitting me, was when I
raised an arm to protect my face, and she broke her wrist against my bone.
"Look what you've done to me!" she yelled at me afterwards.
Why can such a little woman like your mother scare you so much?
Probably because she was big when I was litte. You know the story of the
elephant, that when they are small, they have a small chain around their
foot. At such a young age they are unable to break the chain. The same
chain is used when they are older, hence bigger and stronger. Yet the
elephant doesn't escape used to the fact that when it tried, the chain
did not broke. It's all psychological, yeah. That's it. So this means
I'm an elephant. God, this is great logic. I love being so intelligent.
Although at the office I sit in front of the computer all day
doing the work assigned, translations, articles, reviews and updating the
Italian pages, I will probably get fired soon for "doing nothing all day".
This was caused by the fact that I was only able to do some of all the
extra work I was assigned. I guess this is what happens when you do work
that no one notices, and you don't get any credit. The graphic artits on
the other hand can do one image, taking the entire day, and because you
can see their creation, then they must be doing something with the
corporate time.
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4. One new distribution list.
CoN subscribers are now part of a new distribution list, the
"Stupid Joke of the Day" list.
"Stupid Joke of the Day" is ran by Sandra Pereira
(mailto:sandrap@ifront.com). At random intervals, usually once a day, a
joke is sent out. The jokes are pretty humorous and although they are not
always recommended for a younger audience, they are well contained.
Sandra welcomes people's input and jokes to be later redistributed.
To unsubscribe, just reply to the first message you receive from
the mailing list and write "unsubscribe" anywhere in the message body.
You will receive no further messages.
If you have any questions about the mailing list or how it works, feel
free to e-mail her.
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5. 41 Things I Learned From ID4 That I Never Knew Before
1. Aliens like to blow up significant land marks first. Apparently
the best way to destroy a city is to position your "Death Ray" over
the most recognizable building.
2. All pro-UFO people are morons who dance atop the building
directly under the Death Ray.
3. If alien "Destroyers" come to your city to blast it into
oblivion, leave BEFORE they fire the Death Ray.
4. If alien "Destroyers" come to your city to blast it into oblivion
and you are caught in traffic at the last minute, make sure that you
are travelling with a dog and a small child. The Law of Averages says
you'll survive the Death Ray.
5. If alien "Destroyers" come to your city to blast it into oblivion
and you are caught in traffic at the last minute, make sure that you
are NOT a raspy-voiced homosexual cable TV executive. The Law of
Averages says you'll get waxxed by the Death Ray.
6. Stripping is a lucrative profession that allows one to "Pay the
bills," "take care of one's boy," and own a nice house in a middle
class subdivision.
7. Strippers got moxie. When the going gets tough, they can drive
California Highway Department utility vehicles, collect refugees and
use their extensive survival skills to provide food and comfort to
survivers.
8. NASA sends out rejection letters, just like Harvard.
9. Area 51 is an "Assault Base".
10. A fleet of RVs can travel across the Nevada Test Site in
line-abreast formation without the need of roads, thanks to the imense
expanses of Salt Flats and the lack of impeding mountains.
11. Area 51 has a big chain-link fence around it, and the guards at
the gate wear black combat fatigues with white metal helmets in 120
degree heat.
12. Any bonehead with an RV can get to Area 51 by driving across the
Salt Flat to the gate and flashing a captured alien to the guard.
13. Standard operating procedure for the Air Force is to cluster all
vehicles, aircraft, and ground personel on a 200 meter section of
tarmac in the middle of an Alien Invasion.
14. The F-18 is the sole fighter in use by all branches of the
service, including Marines and Air Force.
15. From the assault scenes on the Alien "Destroyers', it appears
that the F-18 must have had a 10,000 unit production run.
16. Both F-18s and B-2s must close to within 10 km of a target 20 km
across before engaging with both air-to-air missiles and aerial
launched nuclear cruise missiles.
17. People too drunk to walk can still fly crop dusters and F-18s.
18. Any bonehead with rudimentary aviation experience can be taught
to pilot an F-18 in 5 hours.
19. Any bonehead with F-18 flight experience can learn to pilot an
Alien fighter in 5 minutes.
20. Aliens with anatomy that includes tentacles and clawed feet use
flight yokes just like ours.
21. Aliens are wimps, even the ones in "Bio-Mechanical" armor. They
have glass jaws and can be taken out with a punch by Will Smith. (He
has had a lot of practice on photographers, though.)
22. Aliens are stupid. When one of their fighters approaches the
carrier, they don't bother to communicate with the pilot.
23. Aliens are even more stupid. They pursue their targets into
canyons walls and closing blast doors.
24. Aliens are unbelievably stupid. While unarmed and unarmored, they
do things to piss off people with hand guns.
25. Aliens are just too stupid for words to express. An alien air
traffic controller can look at a fighter that has been human-modified
for 20 minutes and is only 50 feet away and not notice the welded-on
missile rack until the missle is fired through his work station.
26. Aliens are remarkably inarticulate. All they can say is, "Release
me," "No peace," and "Die!"
27. If you're President and your administration is faltering, an
Alien Invasion might be a good way to boost your ratings in the polls.
28. If you're President and your administration is faltering, manage
to work into every other sentence the fact that you "flew in the
Persian Gulf." No need to specify what branch of service.
29. If you're President and your administration is faltering and an
Alien Invasion occurs, relocate the V.P., the Cabinet, and the Joint
Chiefs to one centralized location so that the Aliens can take them
all out with one shot. You can always blame the problems of the past
on them after victory is achieved.
30. The President's Press secretary keeps her cell phone listed in
the phone book "in case of emergencies."
31. If your father abandons his Jewish beliefs after the death of
your mother, always carry around a Torah and a Yarmulke. Aliens might
attack and offer him a chance to renew his faith.
32. If aliens abduct you and effectively destroy your life by making
you the laughing stock of the community, never fear. When their
"Destroyers" come, you will be vindicated to those who mocked your
tale.
33. If aliens abduct you and do unspeakable things to you, you can
have revenge upon them by flying an F-18 into their Death Ray.
34. If aliens abduct you and do unspeakable things to you and you
have revenge upon them by flying an F-18 into their Death Ray, you
will obtain redemption and your children will be proud of you.
35. The best way to win back a former wife is to be very annoying,
look perpetually vexxed, and keep wearing your wedding ring for 4
years after the divorce.
36. In 10 hours, one man with a Macintosh Laptop can code a virus in
C++ that will take down a completely alien computer system.
37. Even though the Mac isn't compatible with most other Earthly
operating systems, it can interface with an alien computer.
38. Alien network security is nonexistant.
39. Rather than attacking a planet when they first encounter it (ie,
1940s), aliens wait until the planet has developed just enough
technology to possibly defend itself.
40. Scientists at Area 51 are a bit touched in the head, and "Don't
get out much."
41. Only 1 person in all of New York City takes the Subway.
discovered by Peter Steen (peters@gamesmania.com)
"Peter Steen: Where no sheep has been!"
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6. Sun Dance
by Gard Eggesboe Abrahamsen (gard@scriba.org)
SUN DANCE Inspired by the view of High Park
--------- from 16th floor and the notion of
the light is dancing spring together with the thought of
shining brightly on Bethani coming up here for our one
the green green wonderful year anniversary, this poem is one
great trees that grow of many poems that make my first ever
up, up towards the sky published poetry collection, "Dancin'
displaying the might in my brain", a collectino of happy
of a living mother nature poetry that will be dancing in your
that grows bigger, bigger brain forever after reading it. The
embraces life, life dancing booklet, dedicated to my wife, contains
as the sun rises above twelve of my best and happiest poems
further and further up and exists only in this limited edition
to join the dance of 42 copies of AAD quality (Analogue
recording, Analogue editing, Digital
reproduction). A normal copy will be sold for C$5, a signed copy will
be C$7. Original sheets ("recording") from this production are on sale
for C$20/sheet. Published by Scriba Press (wait for web site to come
up under http://www.scriba.org/press/)
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