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Capital of Nasty Vol. 02 Issue 15
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume II, Issue 15, Year AD MCMXCVII
Monday, April 14th, 1997
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I finally got a day planner. All I have to do now is remember what I
did the past four months.
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Maybe I can make a paradox with Windows '95. Click
on the "My Computer" icon and drag the garbage icon on top
of the one sitting on the desktop.
(jason@ifront.com)
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1. Transit Tales
2. Anatomy of a bad movie
3. Reader's Pool: results
4. Top 10 Best (Worst) Ways to Kill Wesley Crusher
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This week's Golden Testicle Web Award goes to:
The Goat Shrine
http://www-personal.umich.edu/~rkmead/goats.html
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1. Transit Tales
It seems that each time I take the TTC (Toronto Transit
Commission) something happens. I was thinking of how handy this was, for
it gave me something to write about inside of CoN. I should've kept my
mouth shut, because thanks to the "Interesting Life Curse" I seem to have
(will explain in another issue), I was stuck in the subway for 45 mins,
staring at this gentleman's armpit (it had some remarkable brain damaging
side effects, but that's another story as well).
I was returning from the office, thinking of what to write in this
issue (yes, I think. Isn't that amazing? My girlfriend might say
something different about that, but hey, this will be another story as
well). I'm standing by the bus stop, and I enter the bus-shelter, because
its a little cold. I notice this man walking towards the bus-stop, clean
shaved, well dressed, with a beer belly. He looks at me, and shouts as if
I was on the other side of the street rathern then in front of him: "I
can't believe how cold it is!"
"Yeah.." I just say, and start looking at the end of the street to see if
a bus was coming.
"You know" he went on "when I used to be a kid, 15 years ago, it was much
warmer than this, this time of the year".
"I guess..." I said.
I looked at him. He seemed a lot older to have been a kid just 15 years
ago. I quickly looked elsewhere. His eyes had this psychotic feel to
them that kind of scared me.
"You know" he said again "this is happening because the planets are moving
farther and farther away from the sun".
"Yeah, well, the universe is constantly expanding, but I'm sure that
pollution has something to do with it and.." I tried to explain, not even
sure why I was talking, perhaps to calm myself down.
"No! No! No!" he shouted "you see, the planets" and with a dime in
his hand he began drawing on the glass "they are not spinning around the
sun in circles, but they are using ellipses! So they are moving farther
and farther apart. The Earth will become like Mars, and we'll have to
take starships to fly to Venus which will be habitable again!"
"Oh-.. yeah, of course" this guy forgot to eat the pudding I think.
"See, the government is trying to build spaceships before this planet
becomes too inhabitable, because we are moving away from the sun. That's
why they are funding all this space projects, and who knows how many
things they don't tell us!"
I was captured by a sudden burst of rejoice when I saw the bus arriving.
"So, " I dared to ask "when are we moving to Venus? No, just that I want
to make sure that I have my bags ready before I do"
"You wont be able to carry much" he whispered "because the government will
turn everyone into their mindless army. Those bastards. They are all a
bunch of assholes..!"
The bus stopped and I quickly hopped on board, making sure I would find a
single seat, to prevent the freak to sit near me. The schizo went to seat
in the back and started torturing some poor bastard who just kept on
saying "yeah..hu-humm".
I guess I was wondering how it was possible that the world has
people that will kill themselves over such dumb things like space ships,
but I guess that after that episode, I have no more doubts: the world is
a crazy place. No, I mean more then you might think.
Does this mean I am normal?
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2. ANATOMY OF A BAD MOVIE
by Raymond Belair (rbelair@ziplink.net)
"How did that piece of crap ever get made? I could have written a better
movie!" How many times have you walked out of the theater muttering these
phrases? Chances are with a little work you probably could have put
together a superior script, but that doesn't mean a good movie will come
of it. Film, more so than any other art form, is a collaborative effort.
Symphony violinists don't ad lib while performing Beethoven's 9th, nor
will a Broadway director bring in a new writer to punch-up the third act
of Hamlet. In Hollywood, the originator of the source material, the
screenwriter, has the least amount of input into the finished product
once it leaves his hands. It's been said that you can't make a good movie
from a bad script, but that you can make a bad movie from a good script.
Here's how.
A producer is usually the first person a completed script goes to
on its way to becoming a movie. Producers find strong, bankable material,
get a top director and as many A-list stars to commit to it as possible,
then sell this package to a studio that has the clout to green-light the
project. In order to attract Mel, Demi or Scorsese in the first place,
the script needs to be tailored to the target celebrity. This means
re-writes, maybe by the original writer, but more often by a hired gun
with a quick spell-checker. Then it needs to be molded to the needs of
the studio most likely to lay out the millions needed to make a movie
these days. If that studio already has a romantic alien invasion comedy
just like the producer's script in development on production then there
are more re-writes. The romantic alien becomes a menacing Cro-Magnon
cloned from fossils by a brilliant, but lovely female scientist. It's
not nearly as good as the original, but the studio loves it and buys it.
Now the studio has control. They bought the rights to the script,
but all they really wanted was the concept. So they bring in their own
writer, and commission a complete page-one re-write. By this time Demi
has dropped out, but Pfeiffer is interested - only if she can play the
Neanderthal. No problem. But it's too violent, the studio needs this
to get a PG-13 rating in order to get the widest possible audience. The
action gets toned down and now there's a wacky miniature talking dinosaur
named Squimpy as the comedic side-kick. As soon as everything is set,
all the studio heads are fired and a whole new management team is brought
in. The project gets shelved for a year or so, until a junior exec finds
it and decides that this is the movie that will launch him into the corner
office. Three drafts later, the script is now about a mad scientist/race
car driver who combines his DNA with a dinosaurs and morphs into Velocity-
Raptor! Scorsese is long gone (probably off making The Godfather VII),
so it goes to that hot new director who made such a big splash at the
Sundance festival.
Now the flavor-of-the-week director has control. He's finally
made it into the big time - no more independent films with budgets that
barely rival most people's monthly grocery bill. But the studio has
given him a truly awful script. On the other hand, they have given him
an astronomical budget. He decides to do his own re-write and fix the
rest while shooting. By this time the only talent available is the guy
from the Old El Paso salsa commercials and the studio head's favorite
daughter. Things aren't going so well during shooting, the director
decides he needs more special effects and stunts to liven things up and
the studio grudgingly ups the budget. It doesn't seem to be helping, but
the director is confident that it can be fixed in the editing room. It
can't. Now the studio has a finished product that they've invested $60
million in and isn't worth the plastic it's printed on. So what do they
do?
Throw more money into it! The marketing machine is fired up and
media blitz is on. Awe inspiring previews show up at the theater. The
buzz begins. Next, the stars show up on every talk show that will have
them.
"It's the best thing since Last Action Hero," they squeal, enticing
audiences everywhere. Kids are barraged with ads during their most holy
of times - Saturday morning cartoons - and beg their parents to take them
to see Velocity-Raptor or they'll never be able to show their faces at
school again. A week before the opening, the hype reaches epic
proportions. Raptor toys fill the stores, McDonald's beats out Burger
King for the Happy Meal tie-in, and obscure reviewers who have yet to see
the film are raving about it. Interest is up, but so are expectations.
You dash out to the theater on opening weekend, buy your ticket
and stake out a prime seat in the middle of the theater. As the opening
credits flash, you notice the Based on a Story By' credit and see the
original writer's name listed. The film starts and your heart sinks
deeper and deeper into the pit of you stomach as you watch the garbage
unfolding before you. You shuffle out of the theater, cursing the moron
who came up with such a stupid idea in the first place. Meanwhile, the
original writer shuffles out of another theater somewhere just as
depressed wondering why he even received a screen credit since not a
single word, character, or concept of his appeared in the film, and
regrets even being associated with such a horrific production.
That's how that piece of crap got made. There are dozens of
variations, but it comes down to the fact that so many people have control
of the script at any given time. In many cases this collaborative process
will improve a script on its way to production, with each participant
applying their unique talent and contributing something of quality. But,
too often, it has the opposite effect of diluting the original idea,
making it overly commercial or formulaic. So the next time you get
suckered into seeing a bad movie, try not to heap all the blame on the
writer - it takes a lot of good people to make a bad movie.
To subscribe to C I N (( E )) Z I N E write to "CineZine3@aol.com" with
"SUBSCRIBE" in the subject line. There is NO cost to subscribe.
We're free!
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3. Reader's Pool: results
by Alessia Roettinger <alexis.roettinger@yale.edu>
Ok, I have a little reader's poll:
What do you all think of tongue piercing? Or piercing in general?
Sexy or not?
---
Poll Results:
Del Piero <hoomans@ix.netcom.com>
I will admit that I used to think that any piercing outside of the ear
was sick, but I've slowly come to find belly piercing sexy. Something
about it just appeals to me. I was at a club recently (in San
Francisco) and I couldn't help but notice that a woman I was dancing
with had her belly pierced. She, naturally, was wearing and half-top to
show it off, and it really got to me. Am I weird? I still think that
tongue piercing is a bit much, and nose piercing never really did
anything for me.
---
Sandra Pereira <sandrap@ifront.com>
I can't answer that on account it can and will be used against me
when I'm arrested.
---
Leandro <leandro@capnasty.org>
Ironically I was thinking of piercing myself, especially after
seeing the Hunchback of Notre Dame. God, that goat is sexy with that
pierced ear, don't you think? And I wonder if Esmeralda has a pierced
belly. I wouldn't want to be pierced by a philum though, I'll tell
you that much. I wouldn't want to get my genitals pierced, since I
travel a lot by plane. Each time I'd be checked, the metal detector
would go off and I'd have to show them what is it that set it off...
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4. Top 10 Best (Worst) Ways to Kill Wesley Crusher
10 After slugging down six Shirley Temple's in 10-forward, Wes
stumbles to the holodeck, which he commands to "take me to hell." His
broken body is later found on the empty holodeck in a pool of vomit.
9 Wesley gets gang-raped by a group of female Klingons.
8 Riker gets carried away executing an order from Picard to "knock
the little snot around a bit."
7 Data catches him tossing off. Uncomprehending, he requires a
detailed explanation from Wesley, who dies of embarrassment.
6 Extensive lab analysis of a green slime found on one of the
control panels uncovers the fact that our favorite ensign has, once again,
been picking his nose. He is summarily fired and commits suicide.
5 Wes gets gang-raped by a group of male Klingons.
4 On an earlier episode, Wes got to kiss a girl who turned into a
Chewbacca-like creature. Here, she returns, and they once again get
involved. (Un)fortunately, once she gets really heated, she mutates back
into a wookie and forces Wesley to be her cringing sex slave. She then
tears him limb from limb and eats him.
3 In a rare episode involving characters from both ST and ST:TNG,
Spock attempts a Vulcan mind-meld with Wesley. Wesley's head explodes.
Spock barely survives, spending the next several days scratching himself
and whining.
2 Worf notices a Romulan ship on the scanners, and sends Wesley down
to clean out the photon tubes. Later, someone makes a comment about the
needs of the many having outweighed the needs of the few.
1 Wes gets involved in a deviant sexual practice known as "tribble
stuffing," not realizing that tribbles multiply anywhere. Even an
emergency laser enema by Dr. Crusher fails to save him.
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