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Capital of Nasty Vol. 01 Issue 17
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume I, Issue XVII, Year MCMXCVI AD
Monday, October 14th, 1996
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1. Readers and abortion.
2. What, me worry? (Errata Corrige) by Jason MacIsaac.
3. A moon with a star - part deux.
4. ATHOS by MarXidad" <marxidad@ifront.com>
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1. Readers and abortion.
Date sent: Mon, 7 Oct 1996 21:22:15 -0400 (EDT)
To: rakam@io.org
From: Hijal and sons <hijalandsons@mail.accent.net>
Subject: Re: Capital of Nasty, Volume I, Issue XVI, YearMCMXCVI AD
Rudi Chiarito (chiarito@cli.di.unipi.it) wrote:
>YOU BITCH. Either use condoms/pills or think about tubal ligation
>(I know it would mean unplugging your brain.. sorry). Or forget
>about sex. Wasnt it meant for reproduction only?
>If you wanna have fun, well.. be ready for the consequences. Or go
>buy a vibrator. It makes you feel good, it doesn't come up with
>silly excuses for being late (it's NEVER late) or complain if YOU
>are late. Plus it won't leave you all of a sudden for another
>woman.
>Ain't technology wonderful?
Excuse me but are we not getting carried away here?
I hate to break this to you, but:
1) God does not exist, so please stop using him as an argument.
2) Take into consideration the fact that the United Nation has
estimated that the greatest danger for humanity is over-population.
3) Let me guess, first we start by telling WOMEN that they have
absolutely no right to decide what to do with THEIR body and then we
will not allow them to use contraception when having sex
(All the religions forbid it), and then we will take away their right
to vote, forbid them from working and force them to have 13 children,
after which we will either have them die in childbirth or put them
away in the country while the father continues his "procreative duty"
with other women, all of course without using condoms, so that (Just
like the Pope hopes) we put into this world more AIDS babies, more
crack babies and more babies with abnormalities that will make their
whole existence (if they do manage to live that long) MISERABLE...
4) Regardless of what I said above, I respect your opinion, but
please remember that people are not responsible and that an abortion
is better than a miserable life in poverty, ignorance, sickness or
God knows what else...
5) If you want to answer me, please avoid any insults or swear
words, since I feel about them the same way you feel about abortion...
Cheers
666
SUPPORT BACTERIA!!!
It's the only culture I'm lucky enough to have
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2. What, me worry? (Errata Corrige) by Jason MacIsaac.
>IMPORTANT: Do not keep this message, pass it on to five people.
>
> * Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't
> drink and drive?
In fact, you don't. A passport, which has your age as well as your
photograph, will also allow you to purchase liquor. So will an Age of
Majority card if your state/province/principality offers such a thing.
>
> * Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
>
The word "phonetic" does specifically refer to the onomatopoeic
nature of the word (onomatopoeic is another paradoxical word in this
sense). Rather, the word refers to the ancient phoenician, who are
consider to have developed phonics.
> * Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why not? "Interstate" is traditionally used to mean a highway
that travels to at least two different states. 1) Who says that the
states in question must be both geographical in nature? 2) The literal
definition means "within state," so it is perfectly acceptable to use
in this fashion. "Telestate highway," now that would make no sense.
>
> * Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of
> parachutes?
A parachute would be utterly useless. If a plane is damaged
and cannot remain in the air, bailing out with a parachute would
certainly be fatal. The chute would like be caught on the wings of
the plane, hopelessly tangles in cross-currents, or even sucked into
the jets. It also takes considerable training to use a parachute,
whereas a flotation device is much simpler and more familiar to
civilian life.
>
> * Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is
> prohibited there?
>
At this moment, the Supreme Court of Canada is still trying
to determine if a car interior is considered private property. The
matter arose out of arrests of persons found engaging in sexual
activity in their automobiles. If the matter is settled, cars would
be one of the few places smokers could indulge in their habit with
impunity.
> * Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
>
There is no such thing as a "silencer." True fire-arm
aficionados/experts refer to them as "suppressors" since no fire-arm
can truly be silenced.
> * Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical
> situations?
Yes.
>
> * How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the
> mornings?
It is possible that this person is self-employed. If not,
what's wrong with walking?
>
> * If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there
> locks on the doors?
If you follow the same branch of cynical humor that the rest of
this document suscribes to, you are doubtless of the opinion that
7-11s get robbed a lot. For this reason, it is necessary to lock the
doors while the police conduct an investigation.
>
> * If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
It would depend which of the four stomachs the milk was located in.
>
> * If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON
> stick to the pan?
Teflon is baked on to the surface of the pan, like an enamel.
>
> * If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it
> from a height, what would happen?
The cat would land on its feet (providing the drop was not fatal)
and then come back and claw your face off.
>
> * If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens
> when you turn on the headlights?
The light projected by the headlights is travelling the speed
of light. They would not outrace the car. However, depending on which
theory of relativity you support, you may or may not believe that
travelling the speed of light alters the mass of the vehicle, reducing
it to zero. Therefore, turning the headlights on would instantly reduce
the vehicle's speed to exactly O kph. Unless safety equipment kept the
user inertia-less, they would be killed instantly.
>
> * You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the
> protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
I do not believe that "most" packages say "Open here," let alone
"open somewhere else." However, if it does say "open somewhere else,"
than the correct procedure is to locate the region of the package that
has been designated for opening. You will soon find a way to open your
medication. How's that lobotomy scar healing?
>
> * Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the
> drive-up ATM?
They are all manufactured from a standard design. Designing
two different keypads simply because one kind of customer has no use
for one typeface is not cost-effective.
>
> * Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Words are not actually the things they represent. You cannot,
for example, drink the word "water." Words are simply a collection of
sounds that societies have agreed on a common meaning for. It is unwise
to assume a relationship between the structure of a word and the concept
it represents. Similarly, "headcheese" is not cheese.
>
> * Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's
> called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship,
> it's called cargo?
These words can be used interchangeably. There is no exclusivity
in the example you cite.
>
> * You know that little indestructible black box that is used on
> planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same
> substance?
Designers of aircraft must take into consideration the
aerodynamic properties of all substances used in the manufacture of
planes. Some metals/alloys are extremely tough, but put considerable
strain on the engines. From a passenger's point of view, the build of
a plummeting plane is immaterial. Inertia is what counts. If you are
falling at 700 mph, it doesn't matter if you're wrapped in paper or
Titanium. You will die.
>
> * Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address,
> you turn down the volume on the radio?
Many people fail to realize that music is a natural sedative,
regardless of how unusual the beats/instruments are. Audio input is
sensory input, and requires effort from the brain to process. In short,
it's a distraction while the brain tries to pool its efforts into
positioning the user.
>
> * Did you know who in 1923 was:
> 1. President of the largest steel company?
> 2. President of the largest gas company?
> 3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
> 4. Greatest wheat speculator?
> 5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
> 6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
>
> * These men should have been considered some of the world's
> most successful men. At least they found the secret of
> making money. Now more than 55 years later, do you know
> what has become of
> these men?
>
> 1. The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab,
> died a pauper.
> 2. The President of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, is
> insane.
> 3. The President of the N.Y.S.E., Richard Whitney, was released
> from prison to die at home.
> 4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad,
> penniless.
> 5. The President of the Bank of International Settlement shot
> himself.
> 6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, died of
> suicide.
>
> * The same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf
> championship, Gene Sarazan, won the U.S. Open and PGA
> Tournaments.
> Today he is still playing golf and is solvent.
>
> CONCLUSION: STOP WORRYING ABOUT BUSINESS AND
> START PLAYING GOLF
I could quote Orwell quoting someone else here, but I believe I
will wait until he can do it in person.
>
> * This letter originated in The Netherlands, has been passed
> around the world at least 20 times, bringing good luck to
> everyone who Passed it on.
>
> * Do not keep this letter. Do not send money. Just have your
> wonderful, efficient cpu make five additional copies and send it
> to five of your friends to whom you wish good luck.
> You will see that something good happens to you four days
> from now if the chain is not broken.
>
I believe the work I did in answering these questions exempts
me from all other obligations. I will expect my luck at the appointed
time.
> This is not a joke. You will receive good luck in four days.
Jason MacIsaac (jason@ifront.com)
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3. A moon with a star - part deux.
The other day, at work, after helping one of the many
bizarre customers we get in our "no frills" store (no trills,
lotsa frills, if you ask me) my friend Emmet Stiff brings me
a copy of Eye Magazine. He points to the "Transit Tales" article.
It's a section where readers write in something odd or bizarre
that happened to them on the TTC (Toronto Transit Commission).
This one left me a bit surprised.. remember my article "A moon
with a star"?
Subway Tales
I am deafened by the sound of my Walkman in an attempt
to muffle the vile noises surrounding me. Assorted grunts,
coughs and sniffs can be heard through the banging of the
Yonge St. subway.
I reach to turn down the volume when something falls
into my lap. A small, slender man is throwing things into laps
as he marches down the aisle. I look down and I see a nifty
little key chain with a psychedelic face under its clear outer
shell. Promptly I read the attached card: "Hello. I am hearing
impaired. I make a living by selling these key-chains that I
have made myself. Will you please support me by buying this
key-chain? $2".
Feeling generous, I buy the key chain. The deaf man
takes my money and signs the words "Thank you" to me while
bowing slighly. I smile, nod my head, and say nothing... what
do you say to such a fellow anyway? He collects money and
rejected merchandise from the other passengers and starts moving
toward the next car through a door at the front.
Just as he reaches the exist, a man at the back of the
car calls out "Hey!" and holds out a key chain that our self-
employed friend has neglected to retrieve. The merchant responds
to the voice quickly and snatches the key chain. I look around
at the other passengers, puzzled, while the self-proclaimed
disabled salesman leaves the car. I am on only one of
four people holding key-chains, and I wonder if the other three
feel as much of an ass as I do.
-- Rick MacFarlane
eye magazine
"all the views that fit"
october 10, 1996
volume 5, issue 52
http://www.eye.net
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4. ATHOS by MarXidad" <marxidad@ifront.com>
His name was "Athos". The dog was lying on the carpet relaxing when the
master shouted "Athos!". Athos got up and "ran" up the stairs.
Unfortunately he fell down the stairs because he was running a dog's
run up the stairs and you simply can't do that. When he fell he sprained
his right hind leg and squealed. The master kept calling and the dog got
up and "limped" up the stairs this time thankfully not falling. When he
got to his master his eyes were saying "What can I do for you master?".
How many "men" do you know who can act so unselfishly? I rest my case.
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