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Capital of Nasty Vol. 07 Issue 06
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume VII, Issue 6, AD MMII
Monday, March 25, 2002
ISSN 1482-0471
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You know what I can't stand? People who can't understand a simple
analogy. Let's say I'm arguing that karate is boring. Someone will
say "how do you know if you haven't tried it?"
I go "I haven't tried suicide but I know it's bad for you."
Idiots will ALWAYS respond: "but karate won't kill you."
See that's not the point. The point of the analogy was that you
don't have to try something to know something about it but for some
reason 90% of people just can't understand the concept of an analogy
-- Konrad
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"Obviously you take my comments far too seriously. I think comments
such as this are why we have over 400 hundred people in this group
but only a small percentage participate in the discussions. I think
many people don't wish to make a comment on this list and then have
their head handed back to them. "
-- discussion list
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1. Editorial
2. The Half-Life of Lying: A Protest
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This week's Golden Testicle award:
http://www.cs.man.ac.uk/~hancockd/dol.htm
The Database of Lies
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1. Editorial
Attack of the Groans
By Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro
I was exiting one of the most horrendous examples of modern
architecture the other day: the Paramount cinema. For those that
haven't seen it, this is the ultimate abomination that sprouted in
the fashion district of Toronto, to ensure that multiple servings of
the latest Hollywood shite can be enjoyed by insane amounts of
people. All of this with over-priced servings of Starbucks coffee,
popcorn, and whatever else that uses sugar as 90% of its ingredient.
Myriads of little corporate-slaves, all dressed in black with their
little `Team Player' tags drone about the place as if they were
ants.
Whoever designed the building perhaps was trying to make it look
original, stand out, give it a sense of overwhelming entertaining
value. As far as I can tell, the architect only managed to get the
`stand out' part right, as it is the ugliest structure I've ever
seen. Not even the Mall of America can successfully reach this
level of tackiness.
And while this place has the convenience that you can see any movie
you may feel inclined to see with good seating, good sound and
fairly decent viewing ability -- which all depends on where you end
up sitting -- it's upsetting to see venues such as these lacking the
charm and charisma as some of the older places. The good old
Eglinton, with it's fascinating Art Deco style is bound to close,
and we're stuck with this corporate place without an identity of
it's own.
But I digress.
Anyway, as I was leaving the theatre, I spotted the poster for the
upcoming "Attack of the Clones", the ever famous Episode 2 of the
Star Wars saga. For a brief moment I imagined that perhaps this
movie may clean up some of the mistakes of the previous one.
Perhaps be entertaining. Perhaps feature all the things that, to
me, makes a Star Wars movie. Fortunately, I quickly checked for a
lobotomy scar and found none.
Let's be frank. With all the hype, pictures on McDonald's fries,
posters, toys and propaganda, it doesn't take away from one fact:
Episode II is going to blow.
To reinforce this, I suggest to everyone to look at the first
trailer that came out for Episode II. I hear there is a second,
longer one, but I haven't seen it. I also didn't make any effort in
trying to do so, either.
So, without much further ado, here are my top ten reasons why
Episode II will turn into a giant black hole and suck, suck, suck:
10. Jar Jar Binks will not die the gruesome, painful and pointless
death everyone was expecting. In fact, for a mere split second, we
get to see him dressed in some weird summer dress standing next to
Obi Wan. Now, clearly, he isn't in the trailer for more than a
second in case it may discourage some of the more hardcore Star Wars
geeks from actually seeing this. But he's there. Chances are we
will all be entertained by his whimsical blabber that will have us
rolling on the floor. In spastic cramps.
9. Anakin "Yoopee" Skywalker -- no, some of us can't let down the
"Yoopee", sorry -- appears as the cockiest little bastard you've
ever seen. You're Dark Vader, damn it! Act evil and stuff! Kill
little furry creatures that cross your path! No, we get to see him
ride his hover-scooter in the desert on the verge of tears.
Aside from the shame that Hayden Christensen is from up here, what
little he mutters on the trailer sounds like a bad combo of Southern
jargon and pre-pubescent arrogance. Hopefully the movie will spare
us any `you got a purty mouth boy' scenes in the backwoods of Naboo
in the company of Jar-Jar creatures.
8. Uh, hello? We want to see lightsabre fights. We want fighters
zooming in and out, blasting their proton-cannon-thingies at each
other. We want to see massive starships gun blazing at each other.
Instead we get bits of Anakin and the Princess arguing. Or having a
drink together. Or kissing. Or going for pic-nics. What is this,
Starship Titanic?
7. Is it just me, or is Naboo the most boring planet in the history
of Science Fiction? It's populated by Jar-Jar creatures and other
boring humans that live in really pretty places and find it
important to change clothing every scene. Princess Amidala manages
to display more fancy clothing in less than 11 seconds of trailer
than your average supermodel does in a runway show. Mr. Anakin is
wearing the same old drab, but men are slobs, so I guess that's
okay.
Already the whole Trade Federation blockade parade was hard to
digest, but to be back in the backwaters of the universe again and
witness a love story -- as if we didn't know that was going to
happen -- is insulting. Lightsabres, people! That's all I got to
say.
Okay, okay, Naboo is not the most boring planet in the history of
Science Fiction. Make that the second. First goes to Deep Space
Nine with planet Bajor. Why didn't the Cardassians kill them all in
one big swoop is still beyond me. Not that I've seen the show or
anything. No, not I.
6. The character everyone is obsessed about is here: Boba Fett.
That's right. We get to see a glimpse of him floating in the air
and firing some red laser out of his arm. Seeing his past... or
rather, future experience in handling any of the good characters of
the Star Wars universe, you have to wonder what purpose he serves
here. Other than incite more people to buy the Boba Fett Action
Figure.
I heard rumours that this may not be the actual Boba Fett, but his
long lost cousin or something, so my guess is that this Boba will
die in a stupid way too. I can picture this already: massive fight
endures between Boba and Obi. Suddenly when everything seems lost
for Obi, Boba will trip and hit his head really hard against the
corner of a table and die. Why do people trust these folks? Don't
tell me it's the Mandalorian armour.
5. I'm still upset at that whole Miti-chloriens story. Thanks
George.
4. Why is everything so spotless and clean? One of the cool things
of Star Wars was that everything looked run down, dirty and used.
Now it looks like everything came out of an Ikea catalogue. Even
the starfighters look like they've never been used. Yellow
starfighters at that!
3. The trailer shows that the main characters are in Coruscant,
Naboo and Tatooine. Are there no other planets in this Universe to
go for a slushy with your Royal girlfriend?
2. Yoda is completely computer generated! Why did you have to die,
Jim Henson? Why?!
1. Judging by the title, there is going to be some massive war with
clones. Why do people care about this planet, is still beyond me.
However, we can already picture how this will work. Tons of clones
will land on the planet, and start blowing things up. Nobody will
actually die -- or care --, because George Lucas' kids will be
watching this, so no chance that a Jar-Jar thing may buy it.
Suddenly Anakin will come out of the bathroom -- all that sex to
make Leia and Luke requires a refreshing shower --, hit the wrong
switch, all the clones will fall dead to the ground. Meanwhile the
light in the bathroom will remain on till Episode III, with princess
Amidala throwing up in the toilet due to morning sickness.
Georgie boy lied to us again, folks. So much for listening to its
audience in improving the upcoming. Perhaps we can hope, just like
with the "Phantom Edit", we'll get the "Attack of the Edits". I'm
just glad I'm not one of those people that had to wait sixteen years
to see Episode I in it's true form.
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2. The Half-Life of Lying: A Protest
By Jason MacIsaac
"He is a child of realism who is not on speaking terms with his
father." -Oscar Wilde, The Decay of Lying
Oscar Wilde once wrote a paper on "The Decay of Lying" in which he
bemoaned the failure of artists to make up "beautiful untrue
things."
Wilde chose the term "decay" deliberately. In addition to being a
playwright and essayist, he was also a nuclear physicist (well, he
was the sort who could have claimed to be one with a straight face).
Lies are like radioactive materials. Radioactive materials decay.
That decay is expressed in what's known as a half-life. Defined in
your Physics textbook as "The time required for half the nuclei in a
sample of a specific isotopic species to undergo radioactive decay."
Depending on the material, a half-life can be really quick--Radon
222's half-life is 3.823 days; or insanely long--Uranium 238's half-
life is 4.47 billion years, or about the time of your average
airport delay.
In Wilde's day, lying was like Bismuth 210; it had a respectable
half-life of 5.01 days before it was no longer any good. They had
Beautiful Liars, whose lies were skillful, or at least entertaining
and made a damn good show. That was in 1889. Today, lying is more
like Polonium 214, with a half-life of 0.000164 seconds, or the
attention span of the Britney Spears fan club. We have Ugly Liars,
whose lies are obvious, unentertaining, and reveal a deep black hole
in the liar's personality. In other words, lying is not merely
decaying, it's decomposing and smelling pretty ripe.
I really have to object to the state of lying today. I am not
protesting the existence of lies, mind you. I agree that it's the
fundamental function of an artist. It's also a fundamental survival
skill. It's hard to be alive and avoid doing it. People who speak
the truth constantly need to have a black belt or gun on their hip,
and forget about making any money in this world.
I've written before that I've reduced my dishonesty thanks in part
to a conscience I suddenly developed and haven't been able to shake.
But when I lie, I try to be a Beautiful Liar. I confine my lies to
stories I write. In my workings with the non-fantasy world, I try
to lie intelligently. If you're going to do it, this the best way
to lie.
In your stories, lies have no limits. Not credibility, not the
physical laws of the universe, nothing. But when working with real
people you have to show a little more restraint. Let's say you're
going to lie. Let's say there's a problem at work, and you want to
disassociate yourself with it, even though it's your fault. Here's
some tactics you'd employ as a Beautiful Liar:
1. You keep the lie as simple as possible. No elaborate song and
dance, just a quick, plausible tale.
2. Although you might be telling the lie to shift blame from
yourself, you don't dump it on to the lap of someone else. Or if you
do, it's someone who can't be hurt or held accountable ("It's that
guy who died three years ago, he did it all").
3. If you're particularly clever, you double-bluff. You appear
remorseful and ready to fully blame yourself for the problem, so
someone can come along and console you about how it's not your
fault.
4. You tell as few lies as possible. You remember the old saying
"Nobody has a good enough memory to be a successful liar."
5. You aren't afraid to say "I don't know." Sometimes, your story
doesn't have to be detailed down to minutiae (see #1). Not having
all the answers actually sometimes increases your credibility.
6. You mix the lie with the truth as much as possible.
7. You leave yourself an out. You tell bits and pieces of your
story, enough so that the person you are lying to draws the
erroneous conclusion. That way, if you're called on it, you can
always whine "I never said, you just assumed..." Or, along the same
lines, you make what you said look like an innocent mistake.
8. You time and you tone. You provide the disinformation when
appropriate, not out of the blue or too late. You also don't
overstate or understate what you say. You know these things cause
suspicion.
9. Nothing wrong with some minor flaws. Your lie does not have to
be perfect. In fact, if it is, it will look suspicious. It's okay
to make minor details sound odd or incomplete. Most people are
trusting, and will explain things away themselves.
10. Above all, you remember that sooner or later, you will get
caught. Even if you are never caught in the middle of a clear,
fully exposed lie, if you keep generating lies, you will develop a
reputation for being dishonest. You'll just give off that vibe.
This is Beautiful Lying, the former and nearly deceased state of
lying. Today I am seeing more and more of the Ugly Lies. Ugly
Liars violate the cardinal, bishop and pope rule of lying, which is
NEVER BELIEVE YOUR OWN LIES.
This is an easy trap to fall into. In your efforts to sound sincere,
you might try to turn off the part of the brain that knows you're
inventing facts. It's easier to tell a lie if you believe it, but
it's habit forming and extremely damaging to your personality.
I know some people whose entire lives are built around lies. Almost
everything that comes out of their mouths is a lie, or at the very
least an exaggeration. They tell these lies even though there are
no advantages to doing so. Some people refer to them as "habitual
liars." They've bought into their own lies so much that they're
addicted to them.
Ugly Liars.
Deep down, I think they feel inadequate, maybe even self-loathing.
But hey, they have an imagination. The imagination can come up with
any kind of pleasing idea it likes. And suddenly, just by saying
it, it becomes true, and life isn't so bleak after all.
This is the fundamental characteristic of the Ugly Liar. They are
not conscious of their own lies, or they believe something can be
made true just by saying it. And because they lie constantly, they
don't take the time to form subtle or well-rounded lies. They do
not use the 10 tactics I mentioned before. They come up with these
kinds of lies, which are much less convincing.
1. The Gauntlet Lie: I got this from a Sue Grafton novel. Her books
star a private eye named Kinsey Milhone. Kinsey believes she is not
a good liar, but compensates for this by making her lies so
outrageous and obvious the only way to deal with them is either to
challenge them...or avoid confrontation and let it pass. Thus, the
lie's success is based on the balls of the person being lied too.
2. The Pre-Emptive Lie: Probably the most obvious lie of all. This
is used by particularly bad liars. They realize at some point they
will have to lie, so they do so immediately, not having the patience
or courage to wait for the right moment. What would you think if
someone said to you "You know your car? I'm not the one who stole
it" before you even realized your car was gone?
3. The Reverse Confession: One of my personal favourites. Similar
to the Pre-Emptive Lie, this is when the Ugly Liar accuses someone
of something that they're guilty of. They probably think that if
they start slinging accusations first, they won't look guilty. Or
perhaps the Ugly Liar is devoid of imagination and makes this
accusation because they are familiar with it and they know it's
plausible--after all, they do it! If someone unexpectedly badmouths
someone, no motivation apparent, count on it being a reverse
confession. You can bet that the person who is speaking is guilty
of the very behaviour they're condemning--"You know Joe Shmoe over
there? He was fired from his last job for stealing."
4. The I'm So Cool At Everything I Do Lie: Habitual liars are
especially guilty of this one. Everything the liar does is an
adventure, in which they excel beyond the dreams of the bravest
explorers, philosophers, and warriors. The story of how they really
stood up to this complete asshole who butted in line at the bank,
how they totally shamed them with some incredible wit, and how the
bank teller was so amazed at this display of machismo that she
immediately offered oral sex.
5. It's Hopeless Anyway: For some reason, this is the close
relation of The I'm So Cool at Everything I Do Liar. Circumstances
are so against the Ugly Liar that everything was doomed to fail.
"The boss wanted me to do this, but didn't give me any resources,
gave me five other equally impossible jobs, the Delta Force and SAS
were hired specifically to stop me, and I had to do all this while
submerged in a trunk and wearing a straight jacket." The underlying
message behind this is that the Ugly Liar couldn't do or never tried
the task, but won't admit it. It also feeds their general sense of
paranoia. Sometimes, this lie is the foundation for I'm So Cool, in
which the liar then describes how they came back and salvaged
something against incredible odds. It can also be used to explain
why the liar is supposedly so successful, but is working at Burger
Shack.
6. The Self Contained Lie: This lie is harder to expose, but if it
is, the liar looks like a Prime Cut Idiot. The Ugly Liar goes on
the offensive and creates an entire problem or undesirable
situation. They tell this lie to get their mark all revved up and
worried. Then they assure the mark "Don't worry, I'll handle it."
The liar disappears for awhile, and then comes back and says they've
solved the problem. Aren't you relieved? Isn't this guy a big
help? Did you notice that you didn't actually see any evidence of
this supposed problem, except what the liar told you? That's
because there never was a problem. For some laughs, you can make
the liar shit themselves by getting very angry and demand the liar
turn over all information, including names, so you can step in and
handle this problem personally RIGHT NOW. Watch 'em dance!
7. Bogus Disposition: This is an indirect way of lying that also
sends a false message about the liar. In it, the liar claims to be
the exact sort of person he isn't. Instead of saying "I did not
steal that," the liar says "You know me, I'm no thief." The lie can
serve two purposes: to deny involvement in a specific incident, or
to generally put forth an image that is not true to the liar's
actual character. Another example: "You know me, I'm the kind of
guy that admits right away when he's wrong." This sort of statement
is made to support why the liar isn't admitting he's wrong. It
creates a false background which in theory should be used to support
the liar's claim now. We've got a trace of the Gauntlet Lie in here
too: in order to call this lie you basically have to take up the
very confrontational method of saying "You never admit you're wrong
about anything, even when you obviously are."
These seven things are what passes for lying all too often,
especially from habitual liars. They are careless, there is no
thought or skill behind them. The Beautiful Liar has carefully
constructed his or her lie. The Ugly Liar mumbles the first thing
shit out by their tiny brains, with little thought for consequences.
Sometimes though, even a habitual liar can be convincing. How do
you detect lies? For the longest time we've tried to make machines
that will tell us when someone is lying, but we haven't been very
successful. You've heard of the polygraph I imagine. The machine
measures people's emotional reaction to answering questions. It
really is inaccurate to call them "lie detectors." They can't
actually tell you "This person said there are no dead bodies buried
in his backyard, when in fact there are eight." All the polygraph
can tell you is "This person seemed to get upset when answering the
question about whether there were any bodies in his backyard."
Former FBI agent John Douglas, whose specialty was profiling and
using psychology to catch, interrogate and prosecute criminals,
particular serial killers, doesn't put any faith in the polygraph as
a means of determining truth. He believes that it is possible to
fool the lie detector if the person believes their actions are
justified. Excessive nervousness can give false positives.
Apparently there are books out there to help you beat lie detectors.
Perhaps this explains why the results are inadmissible in court.
Douglas does however, see the polygraph as a good tool for
interrogation.
"According to the polygraph, you were very nervous when we asked you
if there were any dead bodies in your backyard. Now why might that
be? Are you sure there are no bodies there? Is there something
else there you don't want us to see? What would you say if I told
you I wanted to dig up your backyard?"
Supposedly there's another one now that will detect changes in heat
around your eyes, which apparently happens a lot when you lie. It
will probably be not much better than the polygraph--the same
techniques can beat it.
But like you have a handy lie-detector around anyway. Like your
habitual liar would agree to be strapped to one. There are other,
more subtle methods for spotting lies. The behaviours I've
mentioned are probably enough to out a good many liars. If you're
not sure, there are other techniques. Here are a few, but keep in
mind these rules:
A) When probing, do not sound like you're accusing. This leads to
unnecessary confrontation, and puts the liar on the defensive. If
you are the one who escalated the situation, bystanders may assume
the problem is you. Sound confused, maybe concerned, but courteous.
There's obviously an explanation for the inconsistencies, which
is...
B) Don't expose the liar. Unless it's necessary. If you stomp on a
habitual liar, it only makes them better liars. If outright disposal
of the liar is not an option, pick up on their techniques so you
will keep recognizing them.
C) If you do want to expose a liar for whatever reason, don't expose
them on the first lie. Keep 'em lying, so they build up a nice bank
of lies you can rip apart whenever they try to regain face.
D) Some of these tactics will produce explicit results, some of
these tips are quite subtle. Don't go supersonic with accusations
just because someone is slightly off. They might be innocent and
there could be an honest explanation. If they succumb to more than
one of these tactics, or keep exhibiting the same suspicious
behaviour, then it's safer to draw your conclusion.
And now, on with the tactics of spotting a liar.
1. Ask the same question twice. Oldest and most obvious trick in
the book. Did the story change? Were details added or dropped? For
safety's sake, you might want to reword the question, but not so
much it could be interpreted as a different question all together.
2. Repeat the lie. This one is great. Liars hate being out of
control of their own creations. After the liar has laid down their
story, repeat the story to someone else in front of the liar. Watch
them sweat. "So, your son tells me he was a Navy SEAL. You must be
very proud of him." The other person might call the lie, in which
case you can act shocked and defer them to the liar, looking totally
innocent. Or they might be forced to go along with the lie, not
wishing to expose the liar. But they won't be happy or comfortable
about doing so. Be warned that this tactic might improve the liar's
lying patterns, at least around you.
3. Invent some details yourself. Remember how we discussed that you
can leave a few holes in your lie, so your mark will explain them
away? If you notice a hole in the story, query it, but immediately
invent a plausible story out loud. Or, if you're really frisky,
invent whole new facts. If the story-teller begins implementing
your details, especially more than one, they probably be lyin'. It's
true that the speaker might be merely embellishing, but if you
successfully provide lots of details (or particularly outrageous
details) the original story is probably a load of lawn fertilizer.
4. Here's an obvious one: when the liar isn't looking, go and verify
the details. If you haven't been challenging the liar, they get
careless and assume you won't check out what they say (Keep in mind
rule B and C). Don't stop at just one detail. Whether you find the
first thing you investigate is true or false, keep digging. You'll
soon see a pattern that will tell you if you're dealing with a
simple mistake or exaggeration, or a load of bullocks.
5. Discuss the lie with others. Don't present the story as though
you are checking its validity. Mention it in casual conversation to
someone else the liar may have told the story too. Many are too
careless to be sure of telling the same details. You might have to
talk to a few people to be sure.
6. Watch how the suspected liar tells the truth. This is not always
possible, but if you can swing it, it will help determine the
behaviour of the liar. If you can, observe them in situations where
you know what they're saying is the truth, and what is said would
expose them to potential ridicule or anger. You'll probably see a
change in the personality.
7. Watch how the liar tells lies you invented together. Get the
liar to tell something you invented together to another party.
Watch their mannerisms. You're training yourself to detect their
lies.
8. Too Much/Not Enough Information: When lying, it's difficulty
balancing the information you need to convey. Too much, it sounds
laboured, not enough, it sounds suspicious. The liar is forever
trying to maintain equilibrium here. A few questions could tip the
balance. For example, some questions merit further comment. If you
out of the blue ask "Were you banging my dog at 12:32 AM on February
12th," and the answer is a simple "No," and it's left at that,
you're suspicious. Your question deserves a more passionate
response. Like "No, and what the fuck gave you the idea that I
did?" The opposite blunder the liar can make is overcompensation.
If your question was simply "Were you in my backyard last night?"
and they respond with a lengthy tirade about how you could accuse
them of such a thing, that they though you trusted them, etc., etc.,
you have to wonder why a simple question merits such a response.
9. Watch for Reversal of Detail: another term I borrowed from law
enforcement. When a person is telling a story truthfully, they tend
to start with the information they are sure of and most familiar
with first. Thus, the details of the story come out at the
beginning, and get more vague as the person goes along. With a liar,
the opposite is true. The story is vague at first, then gets more
detailed as the liar becomes more confident. This apparently is one
of the very first things that alerted South Carolina police to the
deception of Susan Smith, who claimed a black man had hijacked her
car with her children in the back seat. In fact, she had rolled the
car into a lake on her own, drowning them.
10. Withhold Information: If the liar is denying all knowledge of
something, start to explain things, but omit certain details. This
is the classic murder mystery detective tactic. "I'm shocked! Who
could have stabbed poor Smedley?" "Miss, I merely said Smedley was
dead, I didn't say how." You get the idea. Be very sure of
yourself here. The liar might mindfuck you into thinking you did
reveal this info. The liar might also come up with an excuse about
hearing it elsewhere.
11. The Face-Saving Scenario: This technique can sometimes be used
to get a liar to admit the lie. I borrowed it from John Douglas.
He says that a lot of criminals won't admit their guilt, because of
that jail thing and the lethal injection and stuff. Your liar may
not face such consequences, but they will suffer embarrassment and a
damaged reputation, so they won't be eager to 'fess up. Unless you
described for them a situation in which they had no choice, or were
under extreme pressure and it's certainly understandable why someone
might do this, blah blah blah. Basically, you are pretending to be
sympathetic. "Look, I know you're the sort of person who doesn't
normally do this. You must have been under a lot of pressure, and
you probably got a little confused..." If the liar thinks you're on
their side and won't punish them, they might admit everything. The
unfortunate side effect is that it can provide the liar with a ready
made excuse. It also makes you look pretty manipulative too.
How Ugly Liars Behave When Caught
"Hence came their objection to realism. They disliked it on purely
social grounds." -Oscar Wilde
If you do catch an Ugly Liar cold, pants down, no wiggle room, be
prepared to hear about what a horrible, terrible person YOU are.
When I was a kid, a friend of mine told me a story of how he was
watching Porky's, a teen comedy his parents had forbidden him to
see. He was down in the basement with the household's second TV,
while his parents were upstairs on another TV.
Somehow they guessed what he was up to and called him upstairs. My
friend was quite angry with his parents for this lack of trust. He
told them, right to their faces, that he was mad at them because
they didn't trust him. He also said, in all sincerity, that the fact
that he was doing what they suspected of him was completely
irrelevant.
I once caught a habitual ugly liar in a particular nasty lie.
Someone else confronted the liar about it. Ugly Liar became
outraged, and suddenly went on about how mean I'd been to the Ugly
Liar, how I'd had it out for the Ugly Liar for a long time, how the
Ugly Liar had done so much for me, and this was how I was thanking
them, blah blah blah.
Like my Porky's-watching friend, the Ugly Liar was furious for me
not playing along with the illusion. Never mind that the lie could
have caused series legal repercussions if it hadn't been detected.
It's my belief that Ugly Liars are so uncomfortable with themselves
that they need to tell lies in order to be secure. It's their
method of socializing. When we're in groups, we are uncomfortable
until we hit upon a common ground of conversation. I'm convinced
that sports are so popular because they're a safe topic of
conversation.
"See the game last night?"
"Yeah, good game."
You can have this conversation with lots of people. There are other
safe topics of conversation--movies, TV shows, your jobs...the vast
majority of people have some experience with these things, so they
can safely talk about them. Talking is a form of intimacy.
And so is lying. But the Ugly Liar doesn't feel comfortable with
even these subjects. What if there's a person in the crowd that
went to film school and uses terms like "Mis-en-Scene" and talks
about Francois Truffaut? The Ugly Liar doesn't want to appear
foolish. So, it's much safer to talk about things that are purely
imaginary. What's safer than a "fact" you make up yourself?
Well, as we've seen, these lies are quite fragile, and easily
exposed. But if you expose them, you are denying the Ugly Liar's
only comfortable form of intimacy. They consider it a form of
rejection, that's why they get mad at you. Lies are their version
of the handshake, and your exposure of the truth is you snubbing
them.
The Consequences of Lying
"Society sooner or later must return to its lost leader, the
cultured and fascinating liar." -Oscar Wilde
This next bit will sound like it's coming from a nun, so I find it
necessary to throw in some random cursing to make sure my street
creed is still maintained. Tits. Fuck. God damn son of a bitch
shit.
All right. There are Beautiful Liars and there are Ugly Liars. You
should absolutely avoid being an Ugly Liar, and even a Beautiful
Liar: ultimately, the person it does the most damage to is you.
It's not just that it will change how people see you (though it
surely will), it will change you. It will change your core
personality deep down in way that is very difficult to fix.
I have known two habitual liars. Both were the official jokes of
the circles they haunted. Both were widely known for their
ridiculous stories. It was impossible to hold a normal conversation
with them. They were both very self-centered. Such people are
difficult to tolerate when they've actually got some
accomplishments, but what good are self-centred people whose
credentials are pure manure?
When they weren't around, we'd joke about them and tell stories. I
don't know if these people overheard anything specific, but they
could probably sense the lack of respect. So what did they do? They
tried harder to impress. The compensated by being over-friendly,
offering to do everything and anything. These attempts were
misguided--who wants to feel like they owe this kind of person?
This in turn helped add a new kind of lie to their repertoire--their
availability as the big helper. This was safe, because they could
promise the world, but nobody would make them deliver. Nobody
wanted to be around them to try and make them.
And of course, to win over people they increased their lies,
declaring more wonderful and exciting achievements. And still more
friendliness. This made them ever more annoying...more of this is
exactly what is not needed. Then they were confused and hurt when
it still didn't work. I've heard habitual liars voice their genuine
loneliness and confusion over why nobody respects them. They don't
understand that they've based their entire personality around
phoniness. Who wants to be associated with this kind of person?
Deep down there is an emptiness, a complete lack of substance. But
their entire social interaction is based on that.
Another consequence of lying is that you start to think like a liar.
Maybe you get extreme to the point of a habitual liar, where you
fill all silences and your turns to speak with lies because you
don't feel comfortable with anything else. But more likely you get
suspicious first. All the world is full of liars to a liar. This
is the ultimate consequence of lying: you lose all sense of reality.
Since you're aware that you lie like a tobacco company's latest
health study, you are constantly worried others are lying to you.
Or lying to others about you. By the same token, nobody is more
afraid of being robbed than a thief. Not surprisingly, the habitual
liars I've known have been incredibly paranoid. One of them just
had to know the contents of every conversation he wasn't party to.
What was said? Did you talk about me?
Even if you still remain self-aware and in control of your lies, you
will still be altered. As I mentioned before, even without getting
caught, you'll develop a reputation for being shady. People will
notice how nothing ever seems to be your fault, how you said
something would be done but something always comes up, how you've
always got an answer for everything. You'll probably get the liar
paranoia I mentioned above. Or you'll develop a truth-wariness.
Every time you need to open your mouth, you'll wonder "What should I
say? Should I be honest? Have I said anything previously that
honesty would now jeopardize? Would being honest now prevent lying
later?" On and on.
Conclusion
So that's why you should be honest--it's for your own sanity. Think
of it this way--the woman who continually fakes orgasms may never
get a real one. Her lover is fooled, why make any change in
technique if she's supposedly satisfied? And for men, believe me,
an orgasmic partner will make you very glad you made the effort.
There, the implication here is that telling the truth might get you
better sex. If that doesn't motivate, I just give up.
Incidentally, having read this document, you might think you're in a
better position to lie to me. I should now inform you that I have
held back some key techniques and tips for my own safety.
Or am I bluffing?
I would like to think John Douglas, Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro, Sue
Grafton and Jeff Coleman for their thoughts and contributions to
this article. An extra special thanks to the two habitual liars who
unwittingly provided me with the bulk of my research. You guys,
unfortunately for you both, probably don't know who you are.
---
Jason MacIsaac swears to tell the truth, the whole truth, and
nothing but the truth, so help him dog.
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Published every second Monday (or when we get around it)
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http://www.capnasty.org ISSN 1482-0471
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