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Capital of Nasty Vol. 06 Issue 08
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume VI, Issue 8, AD MMI
Monday, October 29, 2001
ISSN 1482-0471
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Goatboy: Albeit, finding a boyfriend on the Internet may not be so
very wise.
Peach: What does Albeit mean?
Goatboy: Even though.
Peach: What language is it?
Goatboy: English.
-------------------------------------------
We teach young men to fire missiles at each other, but we won't let
them write "fags" on their bombs because it's hateful.
http://www.bostonphoenix.com/boston/news_features/this_just_in/docum
ents/01968466.htm
-------------------------------------------
1. Editorial
2. Vera
3. CoN at the Movies
4. WinXP
-------------------------------------------
This week's Golden Testicle award:
Ascii Pron
http://www.asciipr0n.com/
-------------------------------------------
1. Editorial
by Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro
So I was minding my own business when suddenly, on ICQ, I get a
message from the mystical number 1,000,000.
The message read as follows:
hey im from toronto too, just lookin for new friends and ppl to talk
to check out my page http://www.expage.com/page/christypettinger its
not porn its just a shit angelfire page...e-mail me or somthin
Now, this pisses me off. I reinstalled an old version of ICQ after
database problems with Miranda. Since the original database from my
old install of ICQ was corrupted beyond any repair, I decided to
start anew and left the "accept messages from idiots finding you on
the white pages" on, in order to repopulate my list. (I honestly
didn't feel like sending out 80 odd e-mails asking for people to
send me an ICQ message so I could re-add them).
Eager to find who the newly discovered idiot was, so I could rip
them a new one, I went on a hunt. A quick search on the ICQ page
confirmed that there was no such number. Reluctantly, I decided to
visit the page, expecting porn, and well, I must admit that they
were right in two things: it wasn't porn and it is shit.
The saddest part is that this webpage makes Geocities' homepages
look like icons of dignity in comparison. Animated gifs, retarded
language that makes me think this person has yet to pass grade 10
and all the classy signs that warn anyone loading the page that
you've entered the realm of the mentally challenged. And if that
wasn't enough, as you load the page, several pop ups flood your
screen with the most retarded advertising ever, as you struggle to
close them all.
The page contains some painful looking ramblings about her friends,
sparkled with random LOLs all over the place (LOL = loser on line).
I'm saying "her" because I'm getting the idea that it belongs to a
girl, one with piss poor taste too, if I may be so blunt.
For your continued amusement, there is her "My all time fave poem!"
page, in shock pink and vomit blue, which doesn't say much per se,
but a lot about the author. And of course, aside from the most
idiotic guestbook ever (which covers important elements like "which
part of your body do you like/not like?" and "have you ever cheated
on someone?"), a page talking about the author herself: the ever
wonderful Christy.
Actually, reading the "Nicknames" section, which has entries such as
"Heuy, fred & chris", I'm getting the idea that Christy may not be a
girl after all, but a guy.
The page is littered with mind inspiring bits such as the "favourite
quote" that goes "life is like a dick, once it's hard you f*ck it".
Fortunately Chrissy didn't want to disappoint me with a least
favourite quote stating "Minds are like parachutes, they only
function when they're open", proving that one has to have a mind
first, before they try to open it. Split, in this case, if I could
help it.
To demonstrate how many times Chrissy fell off the highchair when he
or she were little, the "fave thing to do" enlightens us all. It
turns out to be sleeping, as she explains: "i like sleeping! it
doesn't involve thinking!!". No shit Sherlock.
Ironically, with a page in asylum pink with matching stars, we're
told how Chrissy don't like coloured hair. It makes people
"LOSERS!!!". I wonder what this makes Chrissy, then.
Fortunately, my search was over, and I found her ICQ UIN, the real
one: 69497873
Of course, I promptly wrote to her asking who she was and how she
managed to spam me with a fake number. Seriously, I was curious.
To show how innocent and really impressed I was by her site, I told
him I was so inspired, I decided to write an Editorial about her
page. She still has to reply, so I took my annoyance out on her
Guestbook.
Rado Velev sent this URL shedding mystery all over the silly
September 11th hoaxes that have been running around:
http://www.csicop.org/hoaxwatch/#nostradamus
Mnemon wrote:
>> Jeff is gonna be in the same room as David Lynch on
>> September 10th. How cool is that?!
> CoN was out on Sep. 24th, I think the Sep. 10th remark
> shouldn't have been there.
That's what I thought too, but then I said "fuck it", knowing that
someone out there, someone who was going to be real anal retentive,
would've probably pointed that out.
I was right, too.
Well, this issue was delayed because I was ever hopeful that our
resident pervert, MilkMan Dan, was going to have his "Critique on
Modern Porn" ready, but unfortunately, due to some movie he is
shooting (he claims non-porn related), you will not be reading it.
In fact, you probably never will, unless someone on this list admits
they watch a lot of porn and are interested in writing an article
for CoN. If you are so brave, give me a shout, I'll give you
directions.
-------------------------------------------
2. Vera
by Konrad The Bold
Wham!
The punch to my gut knocked the wind out of me. As I staggered
around, struggling to stay on my feet, a strange smile comes to my
pain-contorted face.
She likes me.
I feel like I'm back in elementary school where a girl would tease
you to let you know she found you cute. Except, instead of teasing,
this sexy goddess with the tight shirt sucker-punched me right in
the solar plexus.
She dances around me like a boxer and her movements make her shirt
stretch tight around the contours of her body, sometimes sliding up
to reveal a little of her flat tummy. As I'm standing there like an
idiot, hypnotized by the way the motion of her arms makes her tits
stand out, she asks me "I didn't hit you too hard, did I?"
I manage to blubber something about being OK. She smiles and drags
me onwards.
---
The way I met Vera was through a mutual friend who invited us to a
house-warming party at his new cottage. It was one of those weeks
where it never seemed to stop raining, although you never actually
saw any rain. Sometimes the ground would start to dry up before
nightfall and then it would be soaked again by morning, as if
someone had run around with a fire hose while you slept. Most of the
time it was just a fine drizzle during the day, almost a mist that
seemed to settle over everything. Although there were no puddles to
speak of, the moisture covered every leaf and every blade of grass
in one perfect, continuous layer. Every time you walked outside
water would fill your shoes and your pants would get soaked up to
the level of the grass, as if you were wading through a swimming
pool.
The depressing weather that left me stuck inside the cottage only
added to my bad mood that day. It was obvious my "friend" had only
invited me to entertain this girl so he could talk business with her
father. It was equally obvious that she didn't want to be there and
she wasn't interested in me, as she had just dismissed me with a
curt "Hi" when I introduced myself. I decided I wasn't going to
baby-sit some arrogant bitch, even is she is the only other person
there who is under 40. No point forcing a conversation onto her when
she was just waiting to get back to the city and go shopping. She's
a beauty and she knows it, I won't follow her around like a sucker
if she thinks she's too good for me.
I sat quietly through the meal, only giving out short, bored replies
to the usual small talk. She said nothing to me. The other guests
asked the usual questions that middle-aged people ask a young man.
There was no reason to bother the others with my grim attitude, so
after I ate I put on my coat and went outside. I was going to admire
the scenery I said. Having nothing better to do, I wandered toward
the lake.
The wind was so strong that it sent huge waves crashing into the
rocky beach and made the tiny lake seem like a stormy ocean. I stood
there in the gale and the spray of the waves for a while thinking of
ways to kill time. When I turned around she was coming towards me.
She was the calm centre of the universe. The wind was throwing my
long hair around wildly, all over my face. Hers was tied in a
perfect, tight bun. Not a single strand was being blown around. My
jacket was unzipped and billowing out behind me in the wind. My
shirt was flapping around.
She wasn't even wearing a jacket and her shirt was wrapped snugly
around her body, without even a single crease to show the effects of
the gale. My jeans sucked up the water from the grass like a sponge
and even my face was wet from the spray of the waves. The moisture
just slid right off her stylish synthetic pants.
The way she walked let you know that she was too good to get wet.
How dare the water think it has the right to touch *her*? I had to
lean into the wind to keep from falling over yet she moved like the
wind was going right through her. She was the calm center of the
storm. She was the eye of the hurricane. While everything around her
was in chaos, she was above it all, nothing could touch her.
As I stood there trying to keep my hair out of my eyes and squinting
against the wind she asked me, unconcerned by the conditions,
unconcerned by the fact that she had brushed me off not an hour
before, if I wanted to go for a walk.
Looking at her, at her face, at her tits, at her hips, at her legs,
all
I could say was "Sure". We made small-talk as we headed off down
some trail that seemed to lead nowhere at all. She wasn't apologetic
for ignoring me before, she was still the proud princess that
considered the world to be her own. At least she told me her name,
which she hadn't bothered to do when I introduced myself in the
cottage.
"Vera."
"Vera... that's Latin for truth. A pretty presumptuous name, but it
suits you."
She looked at me and cocked one eyebrow, like a queen at an uppity
servant. That presumptuous name and that presumptuous stare made me
smile. I told her "You're a pretty classy dame, you know that?" and
she got a laugh out of it.
Maybe it was because she thought I looked handsome standing outside
with my hair blowing in the wind, or maybe it was because I was
neither shocked by her attitude or eating out of her hand, but she
seemed to warm to me. After a few hours of talking we got to the
topic of sports. When I told her that I'd done some boxing she
giggled and started jabbing at me. Then she came in with that sucker
punch.
---
I manage to blubber something about being OK. She smiles and drags
me by the sleeve further along the path.
This is good. This is very good. I thought her only interest in me
was to entertain her until her parents were ready to go home, but
she seems comfortable touching me, even if it is only to punch me or
drag me long to wherever it is she's going.
I run after her and we arrive at the top of a steep drop. The path
we had taken had been slowly winding its way up a mountain and now
we could look down and see the cottage.
After a moment of looking down she gets bored and, yelling above the
noise of the wind, tells me "Put up your dukes, tough guy". Then she
starts jumping around and jabbing at me, completely unconcerned
about being at the edge of the drop.
She throws some playful jabs at my shoulders and some hooks at my
ribs. By playful I mean she's smiling when she does it, not that the
punches are weak. She may be a girl and she may be weaker than me
but even a good boxer would have a tough time defending himself
without throwing some punches to make his opponent back off. Her
fists are coming in all from all sides I'm edging dangerously close
to the drop trying to avoid them. Since I can't hit her I have no
choice but to lunge forward and grab her by the wrists. We laugh and
wrestle with each other as I try to pin her arms to her sides. I
almost manage to drag us back towards the safety of flat ground when
she pretends to fall and pulls me down on top of her. We roll over
each other again and again as we slide down the slope over the wet
grass. She giggles like a maniac and holds on to me while I
frantically try to point my feet downhill to avoid getting impaled
on anything.
Lying there on my back, with half her body draped sideways across
mine,
I can feel her breasts slide slowly across my chest as we both
carefully try to shift our weight without sliding further down the
slope. I can smell the sweat on her face and neck as she holds on to
me, breathing heavily, trying to find some solid footing. The
sensation of her body rubbing against mine is turning me on.
When she's finally standing I sit up, holding myself up with one
hand and shift my coat to cover up my raging hard-on. She takes one
look at me, and I'll never forget this moment, she grabs me by the
shoulders, looks straight into my eyes, smiles, and kicks my arm out
from under me!
I rolled down the hill doing so many backwards summersaults that I
don't even know when I stopped because the world still seems to be
spinning around me.
I lie flat on my back, the wind knocked out of me yet again, barely
able to move and I feel like I'd bruised every conceivable part of
my limbs. Before long, she appears and without warning sits down on
me, straddling my chest. All I can do is grunt. Between the warmth
of her ass on my abdomen and the way she's absent-mindedly running
her nails across my chest I can feel myself getting hard again. I
hold still and breathe shallowly because anytime I move bolts of
pain from my bruised ribs shoot across my body.
Lying there in pain, I once again notice how beautiful she is. Her
face is hovering thoughtfully over me, framed by the dark clouds in
the sky and the occasional leaf caught in the gale. Above her I see
birds, frozen in the sky. No matter how hard they flap their wings
the powerful wind keeps them stuck in place, perfectly still against
the outline of her head.
Like the birds by the wind, I've been rendered completely helpless
by this "little girl". What does she do? She reaches down and pulls
her shirt off! Then she goes for my jacket and shirt. The jacket
comes off easily but the shirt takes a bit of tugging to get over my
shoulders and then she just leaves it pulled over my face. If this
is what she wanted she certainly didn't have to beat me senseless to
do it! I wiggle my shoulders and pull the shirt off my face and over
my head. By this time she's already undoing my pants. I quickly help
her pull them down and then she crawls over to my head and whispers,
as if to a co-conspirator, "Don't worry, I'm on the pill". Like
that's my main concern right now...
Chaos ensues.
Savage love. Intense pain and even more intense ecstasy. Frenzied
fucking. Every one of her slender fingers has a razor-sharp
fingernail. Out of every pretty hand she can make a fist. Behind
each of her hot, red lips is a row of neatly-aligned incisors and
canines. Wolf-like canines that pierce the muscles of my shoulder as
she climaxes.
---
After a while of lying on my back and panting I began to look
around. Like a warrior after battle, I assessed my wounds. The blood
oozing from the dual holes my shoulder made it look like it was
attacked by an over-eager vampire that couldn't find my neck. And
Vera? Vera was snuggled up against my other shoulder and calmly
running her fingers through my hair.
That day, after I recovered from the most intense experience in my
life, we talked. Well, mostly she talked. The sun had come out for
the first time that week and combined with the humidity had suddenly
created stifling conditions. The after-effect of the adrenaline that
had rushed through my body made it feel distant and light. The sun
beating down on my face made me feel drunk.
The whole situation was surreal: the two of us sprawled naked in the
grass, the hot sun burning our skin, the crushing weight of the
humidity pressing us into the ground, too weak to move. Nothing
remained of the gale-force winds. Not even the slightest breeze to
cool our bodies. I don't remember noticing the wind stop. I don't
remember much from that day, it seems like a dream.
---
When I got back to the city I gave Vera call.
"Hello." her voice says.
It's a statement, not a question. She doesn't say "Hello?" like any
normal person would. As if she's not asking who's calling, but
telling you `you may speak'.
"You're a very non-standard girl" I tell her with a laugh.
She laughs. The sound of her laugh reminds me of her lips. Her lips
remind of her teeth.
She shows up at my door, and I notice her lips are already red with
excitement. She cracks a smile as if it were a whip and adrenaline
shoots into my bloodstream. With her cute shorts and backpack she
looks like a schoolgirl.
She tells me she is, in fact, in high school.
Oh.
As we settle down on the couch I wonder if this is legal. She begins
to nuzzle me and run her mouth along my neck, distracting me from
the finer points of the law.
With a laugh she tells me not to worry. Sucking my earlobe into her
mouth she tells me she won't tell anyone... as long as I don't
misbehave. She clamps down on my ear with her teeth. Softly at
first, but with slowly increasing pressure. Her teeth let me know
that she's got me by the balls. As she squeezes harder I gasp and
she lets go of my ear.
Smiling, she tells me "Have a little faith in me. Besides, even if I
did want to get you in trouble, it's just my word against yours".
Rubbing my earlobe and looking at her innocent eyes I don't know
quite what to think.
She tells me some teachers have a problem with her.
She tells me when she has a habit of confiscating things she likes.
She tells me if a boy has a locker in a nice place or a cool toy she
will confiscate it.
She tells me the teachers don't understand and lecture her about
stealing.
"Stealing!" she scoffs. She scoffs at the idea that people can own
things without her permission. This girl scoffs like a pro. They way
she scoffs she could convince you that red shirt you're wearing is
OBVIOUSLY green. Believe me.
She tells me she is only commandeering what she needs. If she needs
a pen she will take it out of a boy's hand. He can have it back when
she'd done with it.
She tells me the guys understand this and they don't complain.
She tells me the teachers say she is taking advantage of other
people.
Looking at her I don't see how any guy could refuse her anything. I
run my hands across her smooth skin and hold her by her the waist.
As her slim hips squirm I feel the muscles in her sides move
delightfully. We kiss and I slide my hands up the back of her shirt
to feel more of her perfect, soft skin.
The next few days are a whirlwind of sex and violence. A cycle of
debauchery.
Fuck. Rinse. Repeat.
Each time she seems to get more violent. Her foreplay always leaves
me with bruises and she can't seem to get off unless she makes me
bleed. As I lie on my back, one of her knees on my arm and the other
pressing down on my neck, I think of the praying mantis. A male
mantis will keep humping the female even if she eats his head in the
middle of the act. I can sympathise.
I don't even talk to my friends anymore. They'd only ask me about my
cuts and bruises. What am I supposed to tell them? My girlfriend
beats me. She digs her fingernails into my skin. She has teeth like
a wolverine. Did I mention she's underage? I don't think so.
What can I do? She's a drug. I can't be without her. It's not like I
can go to a doctor and get a pill to cure me. I can just see the
doctor telling me "Your symptoms are painful, recurring boners
whenever she's not around? You say it's getting worse all the time?
I'm afraid there's no cure for that." All I can do is hope it's not
fatal.
When she kisses me in the heat of passion she likes to run her
fingernails along the back of my head. Usually I'll find encrusted
blood in my scalp the next morning. When she nibbles too hard on my
lips I can taste my own blood in my mouth. The funny thing is, if
the police came in the middle of all this I'm the one who'd go to
jail. Who's the victim here? Who's getting hurt?
She treats the world as if it were here own. I guess I'm one of the
many things that caught her interest and she decided to confiscate.
After getting a bloody lip twice in one day I decide to try
something new. When she jumps me I hold her down. I pin her arms to
her sides and wrap my legs around hers. We lie there for a while.
She can't hurt me but on the other hand my hard-on is getting
painful. She knows this and smiles.
I can't take it anymore and I start pulling her clothes off. She
gets a few painful shots in before I have her completely naked but I
manage it. I get between her legs and pin her wrists above her head,
my forearms resting on her elbows. She fights back but doesn't
protest. Her face is red from exertion and the blush extends down to
her breasts and around her abs. The heat coming off her body makes
it feel like I'm lying over a fire.
All the struggling is making her breathe heavily and each time she
bucks and strains against my arms her tits stand out and her muscles
move underneath her skin in enchanting ways. The groove beneath her
breasts, where her abdominal muscles meet, is glowing pink and
covered with sweat. In this position it's a match of raw strength
and no matter what she does I can easily overpower her slender
frame.
Her squirming and heavy breathing is turning me on more than I
thought possible. She occasionally pulls one of her arms free from
my grip because our hands are slippery with sweat, but by now she's
too tired to put up any real resistance. Hungrily, I force myself on
her and eventually my efforts are rewarded when she comes. Loudly.
---
The new paradigm is rape or be raped. I don't have the strength or
patience to overpower her every time nor the will not to.
Today she bloodied my nose with her elbow. As blood dripped down my
throat I shielded my face with my forearms and I remembered the
sight of those birds trapped in the wind. You win a little, you lose
a little, you're still trapped in the same place. Whatever happens,
the next day we're both rested and ready to start the struggle
again. She's like that gale, raging against no one, an
uncontrollable force of nature.
Anytime Vera's not hurting me she treats me like her baby. She holds
me in her arms while she tends to my injuries. She kisses me where it
hurts and rubs my sore muscles. Now, as I lie down Vera snuggles up
against me and nuzzles my neck. I feel the tension drain from my
muscles. She falls asleep still pressing her lips against me. I lie
there for a while just looking her over and admiring the features of
her perfect face.
---
At work I occasionally notice specks of blood on the front of my
pants. The carpet burn on my knees turns into scabs that crack and
bleed when I bend my legs. Usually I notice this and make a quick
trip to the bathroom where I can stick some toilet paper over the
scab to stop the
bleeding. Sometimes I don't and blood seeps into my pants.
During my time alone in the bathroom I feel like a criminal trying
to hide evidence. What happens if someone finds out about Vera? What
if she gets tired of me and reports me to the police herself? I have
no idea what's going on in that girl's mind. Will I get locked up?
Will I be branded a pedophile? The words "You know what they do to
child molesters in jail" keep going through my head. I feel guilty
for acting paranoid. I know Vera loves me, there's no reason for
her to do that to me. She said herself there's no evidence. There
are no photos of us in bed together. Just her word against mine.
Rushing out of the bathroom I feel like a total idiot. What's wrong
with me? As soon as I'm alone I get crazy ideas. Does everyone have
these paranoid fantasies when they're in love? Stepping outside, I
walk quickly and look at the ground, trying not to invite more
comments about my black eye.
After work I'm supposed to meet Vera downtown. Looking around a
store I notice her before she sees me. Just standing there she has
aura of authority. A certain sense of purpose. When you're a kid
you meet some adults for the first time and you can tell right away
they're teachers. You feel as if you have to listen to them even
without them even telling you. Years of teaching can give you a way
of talking to kids, a particular attitude that demands respect and
obedience. Often people will describe great leaders by saying they
instantly became the focus of attention they moment they entered a
room, as if they demanded respect by force of personality alone.
This is what Vera is like. If a group of people were dropped in a
forest they would follow her without hesitation. Looking at her,
it's unthinkable that she doesn't know EXACTLY where she is and
EXACTLY where she's going. How does she do that?
We get something to eat and then kill some time just wandering
around. Suddenly she announces I will have to drag her out of the
mall by force and takes off running. Never a dull moment around
her...
After a short but intense chase, and more than one strange stare
from other shoppers, I corner the giggling vixen. With her
ultimatum, Vera is forcing me to overpower her. Despite her half-
hearted protests I lift her up and head off towards the exit with
her over my shoulder. Proud of having captured my prey without even
spilling my drink I tell her to try harder next time and put her
down by the door. She's still resisting as I pull her by the elbow
towards the door I notice a huge, muscular, mean-looking guy heading
for the exit.
Vera notices him too. Vera notices me noticing him. Giving me the
little cocked-eyebrow look she seizes the opportunity. "Leave me
alone!" she yells out in a little-girl voice, "You're hurting me"!
Of course, the thick-skulled cretin can't see the smug look on her
face as he decides to rescue the beautiful princess, hoping to claim
the benefits that role entails.
Lumbering up to me with his chest puffed out he asks:
"What seems to be the problem here?" in a macho tone.
Not only could this guy could easily crush me but I notice two more
aspiring heroes heading towards us, hoping for a chance to act
tough. Having no desire to be surrounded by men eager to show off in
front of Vera, I'm forced into action to save my own ass.
Fortunately the muscular jackass grabs me by the shirt while his
attention is still focused on Vera. I squeeze the cup I'm holding to
loosen the plastic lid and throw my drink at his eyes. Surprised by
my sudden move, he takes in a sharp breath and makes a gurgling
sound as he inhales the soft drink through his nose. Of course, I
don't see this - I only hear it happening behind me because by this
time I'm dashing out the door with Vera right behind me howling with
laughter.
Slower shoppers are knocked aside in my scramble through the door.
Sorry lady, but those running for their lives have the right-of-way.
Once I'm through you may get up and try again. We run until we're
out of breath and Vera is still giggling.
I am not amused. I am not tickled by her clever joke. Relax, she
tells me, "I would have called him off, you know that". She's
right, too. It doesn't make me any less angry. Maybe it's only my
own ego that was at risk. I was carrying her around like a helpless
captive and then she suddenly took control. Maybe I'm only angry
because I felt strong and she showed me she was the one with the
real power. Still, what's wrong with a guy feeling tough once in a
while?
She stays quiet the rest of the way home although she keeps watching
my face for a reaction. As she holds my hand I notice the faint
bruises on her wrists left last night by my fingers. I remember how
hard I had to hold on to those wrists when I forced myself on her.
We get back to my place and I need release. I'm not in a good mood
and her teasing today has left me very aroused. Pressing her against
the wall, I pull off her shirt. She's not even resisting.
I carry her to the bed. Not a single punch or bite or scratch. She's
just staring at me. For some reason, there's a look of determination
in her eyes. For the first time, I penetrate her without having to
hold her down or getting beaten to a pulp. All she does is wrap her
arms around me and stare as I thrust again and again. She doesn't
look away from my eyes the entire time. I only return her stare. In
my anger I don't last long and as I near orgasm she pulls me closer.
Still with the look of complete focus on her face she tells me in
between breaths "Vera doesn't mean truth. It's not Latin... It's
Russian. It means faith... belief."
I feel her hot breath on my face. I come inside her over and over,
neither of us looking away or closing our eyes.
Without blinking she drops the bomb on me "I lied when I told you I
was
on the pill."
I stop breathing.
Vera, master of the understatement... This is her way of saying "I
love
you, marry me".
This is her way of saying "I want to have your baby, oh and by the
way, I'm pregnant".
This is her way of saying "I have you by the balls. This pregnancy
is the only evidence I need to have you locked up".
This is her way of saying "That little incident in the mall was to
let you know I want you to act tough, I want you to overpower me,
but always remember who has the real power".
Simply put, a marriage is some bond to encourage couples to stay
together. In some cultures it's the hassle of dividing up common
property. In some cultures the bond is the fact that the man knows
he must support the woman even if he leaves her, while the woman
knows that once married she will not be desirable as a wife for
another man.
Each party must sacrifice some freedom that would let them easily
return to their previous life. This is a de facto marriage: my bond
to her is the fact that she can send me to jail, her bond to me is
her baby.
The hairs on my neck stand up as she whispers in her best little-
girl voice "Have faith in me. Trust me. I know what I'm doing.
Believe in me."
This girl is only 17.
---
Konrad has a kind of sick desperation in his laugh.
Send comments to: konrad at spacemoose.com
-------------------------------------------
3. CoN at the Movies
with Jeff Wright
Howdy. I just realized that I didn't write anything about the stuff
I saw at the Toronto Film Fest back in September. So I'll skim over
what I saw. The films I saw at this year's Fest were for the most
part, enjoyable. It was definitely an improvement from last year,
but it didn't have a crazy small film that I loved as much as WILD
ZERO, last year. That said, the Midnight Madness program did have a
lot of quality stuff in it. Anyways, here're the films I saw:
Friday the 7th
9:00pm
HOW'S YOUR NEWS?
Ugh. Don't wanna get into this. The half-hour of it that I watched
before I walked out, sucked though.
12:00am
VERSUS
Crazy Japanese film, with zombies, yakuza, samurai action, and big
fucking guns. It's a little long, but it's great fun. It's made up
of more than 80% action.
Saturday the 8th
10:00pm
A MA SEOUR! (a.k.a. FAT GIRL)
A good first hour and a bit, plus one of the stupidest endings,
equals GARBAGE.
12:00am
ANTINOME and FULLTIME KILLER
ANTINOME, was a three minute French short, that was pretty cool. It
was just a bunch of special effects and violence. Nothing
spectacular.
FULLTIME KILLER, is the new HK action film, from directors Johnnie
To and Wai Ka Fai, starring Andy Lau. It ROCKS! One of, if not, To's
most enjoyable films that I've seen. Lau steals the show in what has
to be one of the most charismatic performances of the year.
Sunday the 9th
12:30pm
ALL ABOUT LILY CHOU-CHOU
The new film from Shunji Iwai, is a fantastic film about, among
other things, teenage alienation, and music's power to heal. It's a
little long, but Iwai's last film SWALLOWTAIL BUTTERFLY was too, so
I sort of expected it.
10:00pm
WHAT TIME IS IT THERE?
This was one of the slowest, and most pointless films I've ever
seen. BLECH!
Monday the 10th
12:30pm
KAIRO (a.k.a. PULSE)
The new film from Kiyoshi Kurosawa. It's a horror film, about ghosts
trying to keep humans from dying, so as not to populate their realm,
but rather to trap themselves in their loneliness. It's an
absolutely fantastic film, as both horror, and in that it has
something to say.
3:30pm
MULHOLLAND DRIVE
New Lynch. It's loads of fun, but don't expect it to make sense. I
wish I knew what to say about it. It won't be one of my 10 favourite
films come year's end, but it's certainly a fun afternoon at the
cinema.
12:00am
CLIP CULT VOL. 1
and ELECTRIC DRAGON 80,000 V
CLIP CULT was a collection of music videos, from directors like
Chris Cunningham, Spike Jonze, and Michael Gondry. Some of the
videos weren't great, and a lot of them were so similar in their
look and feel, that it got a little tiresome. That said, it was well
worth it to see six Chris Cunnigham videos on the big screen.
Windowlicker especially. "Not your broke ass, nigga!"
ELECTRIC DRAGON, was a disappointment. It was fun, and worth
watching, but it had too much fat. Which for a film that's only an
hour long, is not a good thing. If it had been maybe twenty minutes
shorter, it would have been fantastic. Tadanobu Asano rocks the
house in this flic though! The man is super-cool.
Tuesday the 11th
No Films. The festival was shutdown.
Wednesday the 12th
11:30am
CULT CLIP VOL. 1 and ELECTRIC DRAGON 80,000 V
Yeah, I saw them again for the Cunningham videos.
3:30pm
LE FABLEUX DESTIN D'AMELIE POULIN (a.k.a. AMELIE)
I can't say enough good things about this film. I can't wait to see
it again. The best film I saw at the festival, and probably of the
year.
12:00am
EAT and THE AMERICAN ASTRONAUT
EAT is a new short from Bill Plympton, about people going to a high
class restaurant. A lot of fun. A man having his vomit shoved back
into his stomach because the restaurant has a "No Vomiting" policy,
is only one of the crazy things you'll see if you get a chance to
watch the short.
THE AMERICAN ASTRONAUT is a joy. It's a black and white, space rock
opera. The most original film I saw at the festival. Hopefully it'll
get some sort of release. I want it on DVD, that's for sure. It's
got a song in it called THE GIRL WITH THE VAGINA MADE OF GLASS. How
can it not be great?
Thursday the 13th
12:00am
LE PACTE DES LOUPS (a.k.a. BROTHERHOOD OF THE WOLF)
WOOHOO! This movie was soooo much fun. ROCK ASS!!! If I continue to
write about it, I'm just going to write more stupid shit like
"ROCKTASTIC!". In addition to seeing a great film, I got to sit
about six feet away from Vincent Cassel. That was koo.
Friday the 14th
5:45pm
MUSA THE WARRIOR
Well, it was pretty to look at, but all of the battle scenes looked
the same, and there wasn't much of a story to it. It's like a rich
and less artistic man's SEVEN SAMURAI, in many ways. It's far too
long, and the last 20 minutes must be about 75-85% slow motion.
12:00am
ICHI THE KILLER
The new film from Takashi Miike, starring Tadanobu "The Man" Asano,
about an insane masochistic yakuza member and a wimpy, sadistic
killer who cries when he gets mad. The film is all about pushing the
limits of violence on film. Because of that, it's not a wholly
satisfying experience. It's certainly got some interesting and crazy
shit in it though. Asano rocks in this too.
Saturday the 15th
2:00pm
ICHI THE KILLER
Yeah, I saw it again. I'm never going to be able to see it in a
theatre again, so...
5:55pm
STRUMPET
and
VACUUMING COMPLETELY NUDE IN PARADISE
Two new made for BBC Television, shot on video shorts, directed by
Danny Boyle. STRUMPET was great. Christopher Ecclesteson (sp?) plays
an off kilter bloke named Stray Man, who takes in any stray, and
writes song lyrics on his walls. One day he saves a young hitchhiker
from some asshole truck driver, and takes her home. She likes
playing the guitar naked, and while she does, he sings his lyrics.
The film goes on from there, as they go go get a record contract,
and so on.
VACUUMING COMPLETELY NUDE... isn't as good, but does have some
extremely funny moments ("I shagged a slow girl."). It stars Timothy
Spall, who's really funny, except for in the end where the film
turns to the "dramatic". That's where it lost me, as I was enjoying
it as a comedy, and didn't care about Spall, as much as I guess I
was supposed to.
12:00am
THE BUNKER
A low budget film about German soldiers during WWII, stuck in a
bunker. Underneath the bunker, are haunted tunnels. For what it was,
it was a moderately enjoyable film. I think it could have been a lot
more enjoyable had it been a short though, because everything before
its last act, seemed like nothing more than a build-up to it.
END OF FESTIVAL
I didn't see as many films as I had planned to, as I skipped some of
them for sleep, and due to their depressing content, that I just
didn't feel like watching this week, but the festival was pretty
good this year. I enjoyed my time off work more than anything else.
It was nice to be able to relax, and watch a bunch of movies.
My top 5 films of the fest would be:
1- LE FABLEUX DESTIN D'AMELIE POULIN
2- LE PACTE DES LOUPS
3- KAIRO
4- FULLTIME KILLER
5- THE AMERICAN ASTRONAUT
Other movies you should see:
ZOOLANDER
Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson rule.
SUSPIRIA
Argento directed horror flic. Very cool. "The only thing more
terrifying than the last 12 minutes of this film are the first 92."
That's a tagline, I tellz ya!
DEAD OR ALIVE
Takashi Miike rules!
DEAD OR ALIVE 2: BIRDS
Takashi Miike rules!
VISITOR Q
Who rules? That's right. Takashi Miike.
You're probably gonna have to get bootlegs of the last three folks.
Sorry.
TV shows you should watch:
I've got to give mad props to SMALLVILLE, the new show on WB, about
Clark Kent as a teenager. I just watched the first 2 episodes this
afternoon, and what a great fucking show. Watch it, watch it, watch
it!!! Don't forget that THE TICK premieres on November 1st. WATCH
IT!!!! The first episode is great, so I've got high hopes for the
rest of the series.
CDs you should buy:
SOULJACKER - Eels
SOOOOOOOOOOOO FUCKING GOOD!!!! Album of the year. Not released in
the US yet. Just in Canada and the UK.
FOR HIM AND THE GIRLS - Hawksley Workman
I saw him perform a couple weeks ago, and the man is a brilliant
performer.
HOLIDAY IN THE SUN - Soundtrack
To be released next month, it's the soundtrack of an Olsen Twins
movie. Why should you buy it? Because they do a cover of Weezer's
"Island in the Sun". That's gonna be so damn funny. And for all of
you who get to see Weezer on the second leg of their tour with
Tenacious D, I hate you. When I saw them last month, the opener was
fucking shite. But speaking of The D.
TENACIOUS D - Tenacious D
K.G. and J.B. will rock your fucking socks off!
That's it for now. Sorry it's so long. I promise to be brief next
issue.
---
Jeff is kinda in a good mood.
-------------------------------------------
4. WinXP
By Konrad The Bold
"I found me in a gloomy wood, astray Gone from the path direct..." -
Inferno, The beginning of Dante's descent into Hell
I started out running Windows 98 and Debian Linux. I could play
Counterstrike and browse the web, but it kept locking up. Strange,
unpredictable lockups every few hours. It wasn't a software issue
because it happened with any program. It wasn't a hardware issue
because linux ran just fine. I decided to install Windows XP so that
I could both play CounterStrike and have a stable system.
First off, there's wizards for everything. Want to configure your
network card? A wizard pops up. Want to connect to the internet? A
helpful wizard tells you all about the beauty of Hotmail. Anytime
now XP will start to check your web searches and pop up search
wizards:
"I see you're searching for the following words: 'llama', 'sex',
'leather', 'farm implements'. The Microsoft porn wizard will help
you refine your search to get the best results. Just select one of
the following disgusting perversions and click Next to continue.
This is done without sending any information to Microsoft. Honest."
Everything is integrated. It's no longer possible to tell what's
part of the operating system and what's an external program. XP
comes with MSN messenger pre-installed, and it starts each time you
log on. Explorer lists song titles and artists for mp3 files.
There's some kind MSN Passport program that takes care of passwords
for all Passport sites. I don't know if this is built into Windows
or Explorer or if it's its own program. Windows Media Player is set
up to play all your mp3s for you. The lines between the OS, your
computer, your data and the internet are getting blurred.
It used to be a joke that Microsoft was trying to spread its
tentacles into everything. A novice computer user who installs XP
will probably go with the path of least resistance and end up using
Internet Explorer for web browsing, Hotmail for email, Media Player
for mp3s and Instant Messenger instead of ICQ. Did I mention mention
Media Player also plays DVDs? Well, not really, you've gotta provide
your own decoder. So you still have to have your own DVD software
but new "feature" is you get to use Media Player's bloated and
annoying interface. You get all the drawbacks of media player with
none of the convenience! That's a 1-2 punch you can't beat!
Remember that "My Documents" folder from Win98? These kind of
folder's are even more common and easier to access than the rest of
your hard disk. Now novice computer users will find it even harder
to understand how their computer really works. These kinds of
"features" only serve to confuse you as to how your data is
organized.
XP has a lot of interesting shit, like the ability to give someone
total control of your desktop from remote.
Being Microsoft, it probably has more security holes than your
average hunk of Swiss cheese.
To be fair Win XP does have its benefits. It's stable, and in more
than one way. Not only does it not crash as often, it's also more
resistant to driver and configuration screw ups. Just as
importantly, it now allows more than one user to be logged in at the
same time. These features have been long in coming but they are
finally here.
Now I'm resigned to a triple boot setup. Win XP, Win98 and Linux.
Not one of the OSes does everything I want it to do.
Win98 crashes, XP doesn't have OpenGL drivers for my video card and
Linux doesn't have a proper browser.
I just wanna go back to DOS.
====
ICQ messages received by Goatboy:
01/10 - I installed XP today. It's very pretty. Seems to have a lot
of nice stuff.
02/10 - All the wizards that pop are getting annoying. Just leave me
alone, dammit. I'll tell you when I want help!!!
03/10 - Got sick of XP and tried to reboot to Linux today but for
some reason the partition is corrupt. It's pretty strange... Have
you ever had this happen to you?
04/10 - I woke up at night because I kept hearing a child's voice
asking me "Why do you hate me?". I was pretty scared and it took me
a few minutes to realize it was just a dream. I noticed the computer
was on even though I always shut it down before I go to sleep. I
turned it off and went back to sleep. In the morning, when I woke
up, it was on again.
05/10 - Wanna hear something funny? I can put CDs into my computer
but they never come back out. I played with the power saving /
hibernation options to see if I can fix that strange problem with
the computer turning itself on. I think I've got it taken care of.
06/10 - Disabling advanced power management had no effect. Now even
pressing the power button or asking it to shutdown does nothing. The
power cable seems to have welded itself to the electrical socket and
to the computer. The strange noises coming from my speakers at night
are keeping me awake so I'd like to be able to turn it off. I think
it has one of those weird themes where each action has its own sound
effect. But these sounds aren't... well they're just strange...
08/10 - The night before last I woke up in the middle of the night
because I heard that child's voice again. It could have been a
dream, but I heard it say it would suffocate me in my sleep if I
didn't give it the love it deserved. I lay motionless in bed until
morning because I was too scared to move. All night I saw strange
shadows shifting around the room, in the dim light of the
screensaver. I know for a fact I disabled the screensaver when I
installed XP. In the morning I took some clothes and went to a
friends house. He thinks I'm imagining things but let me spend the
night there.
09/10 8:03 - I slept in the living room but all night I heard the
doorknob to my room being played with, from the inside. Sometimes I
woke up and I could see the light coming from underneath the door
change, as if something was moving around in there. I also heard
sounds... I don't know how to describe them. Just before morning I
heard the door to my room slowly creak open and I stayed up the rest
of the night. I know that at least some of it wasn't a dream because
in the morning the door was still open.
09/10 16:44 - My friend thinks I'm crazy and I'm no longer welcome
to sleep over. I decided to skip work and put a deadbolt on the door
so I can lock it from the outside. During the day my room is
perfectly normal and the computer runs perfectly, it's almost like
it knows what I want to do before I do it. No strange sounds, no
screen saver.
09/10 18:15 - It'll start to get dark soon. Before I head off to bed
I'm taking the precaution of locking up all the knives and sharp
objects from the kitchen. I'll also make holes in all the grocery
bags I have in case any of them find their way over my head while
I'm asleep. I'm bolting the door to my room shut and sleeping
against the living room wall where I can see everything that
happens.
---
Konrad the Bold is an expert on operating systems as well as the
world's undisputed champion in full contact solitaire. He has never
been convicted of crimes against nature.
-------------------------------------------
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Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine "media you can abuse"
In memory of Father Ross "Padre" Legere
Published every second Monday (or when we get around it)
Disclaimer: unintentionally offensive
Comments, queries and submissions are welcome
http://www.capnasty.org ISSN 1482-0471
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