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Capital of Nasty Vol. 02 Issue 27
Date sent: Tue, 8 Jul 1997 11:46:04 -0400
From: Capital of Nasty Distribution <con@capnasty.org>
To: Nasty Subscribers <con@capnasty.org>
Send reply to: Nasty Reply Center <con@capnsaty.org>
Subject: Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine, II.27
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume II, Issue 27, Year AD MCMXCVII
Monday, July 7th, 1997
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"It's 3 AM, and I just learned that I cannot hold my sushi."
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Congratulations Pathfinder, Mars, July 4th, MCMXCVII
I am very impressed by what the Pathfinder, an object the size
of a Microwave oven with wheels, has done. Surprisingly surviving
the landing, this is probably an historical event for our planet.
It's the first time that the entire world is standing behind this
project watching it closely. It's at times like this that it feels
that wars and politics and all the crap are useless and that we should
realize that we are but a spec in the immensity of the Universe. Alas
I guess modesty is not an easy thing to learn for people that have a
hard time seeing things globally.
For some nice hi-res shots of Mars,
http://www.sun.com/mars/default.html
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1. Greetings
2. How to Piss Me Off
3. My girlfriend is a cow
4. Review: Men in Black
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This week's Golden Testicle Web Award goes to:
"Slap-a-spice girl!"
http://www.head-space.com/Urban75/spice.html
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1. Greetings
by IMPROV
Here in my second instalment of stupid things people say IÆd
like to focus in on some of the greetings we use very day.
IÆll start with what I believe to be one of the most useless:
"What dÆyou say?" The question (which is asked of my quite often by
one co-worker) has many connotations to it. What do I say? WHAT DO
I SAY? Christ...I say a whole lot of things, some might say a shitload
(see first instalment). LetÆs see... I say certain words that form into
sentences to explain thoughts, and try to make them concrete so your
simple ass can conceive them!! Now I understand that this is just a
common way of greeting somebody, much akin to "How are you doing?"
I must admit I use this one quite often, and frankly really couldnÆt
give two shits how that person is really doing. Realistically when I
greet someone who is, less than a good friend lets say. (I wouldnÆt
want this scenario though):
ME: Hey! How are you doing?
HE: Well, to be truthful not that well, my cat just died. It was
terrible really, some maniac from No Frills shot it with a sawed off
shotgun. And on top of that I have this growth on my ass that the
doctors say is gonna have to come off...although IÆve grown quite
accustomed to sitting on a slant...yadda, yadda, yadda....
Needless to say that would be a nightmare. But in my line of
work nightmares are a daily occurrence. There really isnÆt a classier
group of people than BINGO players, is there?
My next greeting was made popular in high school, "Wuss up?"
or "Whatz up?" (for the English speaking readers "WhatÆs up?") This
one is commonly followed by the charming kissing of the teeth. In
some advanced areas it can even get as deep as to label the person
being greeted, example: "Wuss up, guy?" When faced with this question
at my high school I was usually tempted to respond with:
1. "Your drug intake level."
2. "The amount of time you spend in remedial class."
3. "Your fatherÆs parole?"
My final greeting is a very specific situation. It is when
someone answers the telephone by stating (the ever so witty), "Go
ahead--itÆs your dime!". Well now, arenÆt we being the little rebel?
WeÆre staying away from the "normal" way to answer the phone.
Nevermind the fact that it is really annoying, itÆs a saying that has
been around since you could make a call for a dime!!
Oh well...IÆve vented, I feel better thanks for coming for the
ride...see ya next week!!
/IMPROV
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2. How to Piss Me Off
by Jennifer Nicholoff
This little episode happened on June 30th at about 5:00 p.m.
I was sitting on my balcony. It is a westward-facing balcony, nice view
of the mountains, perfect for just sitting, relaxing, having a drink,
reading, catching a few rays, you know summer stuff. So that's what I
was doing, just minding my own business, reading the current "Discover"
magazine, and I heard a voice from the building to the north. I heard a
few disjointed words at first, among them "balcony", "girl" and "look".
Then, crystal clear, I heard this: "come look at the white girl on her
balcony." What would go through your mind?
I live in White Center. For you Seattlites out there, you can probably
guess what the neighborhood is like. For those of you unfamiliar with
the area, suffice it to say that I am a minority here.
So I thought, "Fine, whatever," and I kept reading. I kept hearing the
voice, mostly in pieces, and bits would get through, and it got louder
and louder until there was no way that I could pretend that I couldn't
hear it anymore. Among the captured phrases were, "stop showing your
dick to that white girl", "looking at the white girl showing her tits"
and "stop waving your dick around by the window".
Just for the sake of clarity, I would like to explain something. I was
wearing shorts. They are jeans cut-offs, knee length and baggy. I was
wearing a tank top. It is basically an Oxford shirt with no sleeves, and
the sleeve holes are cut so that I can wave my arms around and show
nothing to anyone. But believe me, this particular shorts/tank ensemble
is not the least bit provocative. I don't even have cleavage in a
bathing suit. I was not showing off, I was just reading.
So what did I do? Well, I came into my apartment and paced, and got
really worked up. I called my landlord to find out who owns the
building. He didn't know. I called a friend at work to tell her that
I'm interested in helping her build her house so that I can move into
her old place. I paced some more. Then I decided that the particular
brand of insults I was receiving from this building next door (racial
and sexual, not to mention purely rage-inducing) was actually a good
reason to call the police. They were here in 10 minutes. I told them
what was shouted at me, I pointed out the apartment, and they went to
talk to the person in question. It turned out to be an old, insane
woman who is currently off her medication and isn't a real threat.
That's beside the point. If she is that out of control, she shouldn't
be out on her own. Anyway, now I don't want to sit on my balcony
anymore, because this whole little episode really got to me. So my
summer is essentially shot, because the one thing that I look forward
to every day has been taken away from me. (No, I don't have a life,
thanks for asking.)
I have never learned to ignore crap from other people. I'm amazed, as a
matter of fact, that I did anything. Usually I just go away and seethe
quietly and bake and take out my frustrations on butter and sugar. (I
have a nice fresh batch of cheesecake-filled chocolate cupcakes cooling
on my cutting board right now.) Calling the police is a sure sign that
I am ON THE VERGE. You know when a serial killer is caught, all of the
neighbors say, "she was such a quiet girl"? I'm quiet. They don't get
much quieter. I have had it. As the movie says, "I'm as mad as hell,
and I'm not going to take this anymore!"
And my neighbors put another dent in my car. Six months old and the
passenger side is cratered. I had a 16 years old Corolla, but did
anyone ever touch that piece of crap? Nooooo, they wait till I have
something nice to destroy it. Ain't it just the way. That's a little
off topic. While I'm here, I would like to thank the Seattle Police
Department for their prompt response and for not treating me like a
crazy person. They aren't all bad.
I know, I know. You have no sympathy for me. That's part of the problem
with this place...
Jennifer
"Jennifer Nicholoff is an Urban Wage Slave working toward becoming a
Dog Owning Rural Wage Slave. Her personal mythology includes espresso
bar manager/barrista, library work and a stint as a newspaper
writer/editor. She is currently driving an accounting desk for a
multinational sporting goods manufacturer."
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3. My girlfriend is a cow
by Leandro+
This week I was going to get into some delightful detail on
how to give a hard time to that buddy of yours you just couldn't
stand back in high-school. Instead, I am going to something which
is buggering me, so if I had built your hopes high, I apologize.
I'll make it up to you for next week. Promise.
My girlfriend's culture believes in arranged marriages. Since
she is now 23, her parents are forcing her to get married, or at least
find someone. When they told her the first time, she got really angry
because she wants to break away from the cultural blindness and do what
she wants in her life. She couldn't tell them that she is going out
with me, because they don't approve of Inter-racial relationships. In
other words, they wouldn't take it too lightly. She told her parents
instead that she wanted to finish University and then worry about
Matrimony. Her parents wanted her to meet with the parents of the
guy they had chosen for her anyway, so that they could look at her and
decide if she was good enough for him.
Obviously she complained and said she did not want to go
through this, finding it highly offensive and degrading. She
felt as if she was a cow in a market for sale. Her parent's
reaction was "then you probably already have a boyfriend that you
haven't told us about!". Afraid that they would figure of her
involvement with me, she explained that there was no one else in
her life. Her intentions were to delay the wedding and finish
University. An explanation which her parents (ironically) bought.
The day came when she had to visit the family of the chosen guy,
since he wasn't there. His mother looked at her from top to bottom,
almost as if she was a thing more than a person, then looked away. The
daughter asked her a few questions on what she was doing.
Apparently, the family did not like my girlfriend for the simple
fact that she did not appear to be as submissive as they wanted, she
was too tall and did not look the way they wanted.
Just what I wanted to ear, there was nothing to worry about. For
the next little while at least. Thinking about it though, I was
highly offended anyway of their conclusion.
For more information on inter-racial relationships, you can consult
http://www.commonlink.com/~chiron_rising/race/inter.html
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4. Review: Men in Black (the kind of org. CoN would love to be)
by Leandro+
Celebrating 50 years since a weather baloon fell in Roswell
(or UFO if you think that the truth is out there), MiB came out just
at the right time.
Men in Black is a secret agency started by the government about
50 years ago, to monitor the activity of aliens and make sure that
they didn't cause any havoc on our planet. The agency grew in size
and power after meeting aliens which helped them out organize themselves
better, forming the Men in Black, officers in charge of maintaining
peace on the planet and "protecting the earth from the scum of the
universe". Thanks to invenctions they held patents on (Microwave, etc.)
they managed to have enough funds to maintain and equip a large
underground base, with several strange looking aliens. After Tommy
Lee Jones recruits Will Smyth (his experience with aliens is after
all world wide known after Independence Day), the duo is left in
charge of saving a Universe and Earth (yes, this doesn't make sense
but if you watch the movie it does, okay, so don't bugger my
gorillas).
MiB, although very captivating and humorous, is also the first
movie in the history of human kind, to be ruined by too much plot.
Where Batman failed (plot? What plot?) here they over did it.
Although the movie is good, at times you feel like the director felt
his audience was made up of idiots, and they had to explain everything.
The aliens that are encountered during the story are pretty good,
although I would have loved to see more of them, and perhaps a little
more action (more bang bang). It was also a very short movie (92 mins),
but I guess that was what saved it from the slow moments.
If you want to have a good laugh, look at funny aliens, and some
cool tech-toys, this is the kind of movie you want to see, although
don't let the hype of the media prepare you for something this is not.
I'll just leave you with one thought: Elvis is not dead. He
just went back home.
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In memory of Father Ross "Padre" Legere.
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine "Offensive Reading for the Masses"
Published every monday (or Tuesday)
Disclaimer: unintentionally offensive.
Comments and Queries welcomed.
http://www.capnasty.org
Brought to you by C.C.C.P. (Collective Communist Computing Proletariat)
Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro Colin Barrett
<leandro@capnasty.org> <tyrannis@capnasty.org>
ZimID 708EC8D1 1994/09/14 EC B0 97 59 1D FE 7C 32 7E 04 2C 66 47 41 FB 7D
