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Capital of Nasty Vol. 03 Issue 03
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Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume III, Issue 3, AD MCMXCVIII
Monday, February 9th, 1998
ISSN 1482-0471
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"Spice girls are like Microsoft. They are very popular, and you can't
ignore them, but you try your best not to support them."
-- Arbi
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"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger". Nietzche is such a
dark bastard.
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1. Lairotide
2. Parents
3. Lilith DemHareIs Takes Over The World.
4. Bipoetic Senses
5. Top 10 Cartoon Drug Users
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This week's Golden Testicle award:
The Simpsons X-Rated
http://hem1.passagen.se/laionel/simpsons.htm
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1. Lairotide
by Leandro
lairotide - (n) pr:leitoraide / Discarded commercial chemical products,
off-specification species, container residues, and spill
residues thereof. Action (spill): a severe cut of the
lairotide. Diversity: the spelling of "Editorial" backwards.
ASK CoN
WELCOME TO Capital of Nasty. Last time in CoN I had the chance to
introduce ASK CoN. You, the readership, provide us with questions
that no one seems to be able to answer. So here is Rik's dilemma for
this week:
I have a question that maybe some of you can answer.
If Dale Winton (or any other talk show host for that matter,
especially as most of you don't know who Dale Winton is) were in
fact a cat, how would they hold the cards with the questions on?
cats have no opposable thumbs, so the couldn't hold them like us.
would he/she hold it with both paws though that would probably
obscure some of the writing. maybe they could have blu-tak on
their paws, so they can pick up the card like that.
what do you think?
please send me your thoughts
I have no idea who Dale Winston is, but he's probably the British
version of our Jerry Springer. Now, let's see, what would the show be
like if Jerry Springer was actually a cat? Well, I don't think there
would be a show to begin with. Yes, I admit the fact that cats don't
speak english too well, but the truth is different. You see, cats are
smarter then us, they got it all worked out. Want to know the meaning
of life? Ask a cat. He gets up, eats, sleeps, goes out and comes
back whenever it wants. It doesn't matter how late he came back home
the night before, he doesn't have to go to work tomorrow. In fact,
all a cat has to do is rub their face against our legs so we feel
appreciated by our feline friends and we feed them. And of course
a cat doesn't know what commitment is, doesn't have to worry about
taxes or mortages. So I suppose a cat would be just fine without
opposable thumbs, since they don't have to sign for the checks at the
end of the month.
READERS' LETTERS
My first and last apology of the week goes to Danielle who complained
about my whining that nobody reads my editorials:
Okay...I just have to reply to this one. Your buddy Dave that wrote
in is not the only person that reads your "boring editorials." I
actually find them to be quite entertaining and it is always
refreshing and interesting to see another person's point of view.
Especially as someone as sarcastically funny as you are. I've told
you guys before that I do indeed enjoy your zine and I guess I
just felt the urge to do so again. I hope you are all well in your
daily lives. Keep up the great work.
Sincerely,
Danielle
I'm glad to know that my stuff is somewhat funny, considering that
usually I am either sleeping when I'm writing or looking in the gutter
for something to patch the holes. By the way, I'm such and tired of
receiving all this friggen' complains in my mailbox. Any e-mail I
receive that is clearly a statement to the glory of whining, will be
forwarded directly to Lilith DemHareIs. `Tis a warning.
ON THIS DAY, IN THE YEAR OF OUR LORD.
Mark Cidade (Fenderson status pending), God of Atheism and Keeper
of the Glub writes in regard of those two complainers that sobbed
about my custom header:
Instead of writing "In the Year of Our Lord" for quoting e-mail,
you can just stick to A.D. which means exactly the same thing
(anno Domini) but people like those cool dudes that complained
use it all the time and don't seem to have a problem with it for
some reason. You can probably get away with "Sew-and-Sow wrote
this on When-and-win, 1998 anno Domini" and they'll think it's
just some nifty Latin term, like, reductio ad absurdum.
Or you can use the Julian date, so today would be 2450844 (number
of days since Jan. 1st, 4713 B.C.). Or you can use stardates like
in Star Trek! "On [-30]0636.80, Lt. Commander Leandro logged:"...
But the coolest calender to use is that given to us by the
Goddess, Eris: the Discordian calender, which makes today
Sweetmorn, Chaos 31, 3164.
Or just stick with Year of Our Lord and fuck 'em.
Julian Day Numbers:
http://www.magnet.ch/serendipity/hermetic/cal_stud/jdn.htm
Stardate FAQ:
http://www.ee.umanitoba.ca/~djc/startrek/stardates/
Discordian Calender:
http://jubal.westnet.com/hyperdiscordia/discordian_calendar.html
Calender FAQ:
http://www.pip.dknet.dk/~pip10160/calendar.html
Calender/Clock page:
http://www.pip.dknet.dk/~pip10160/calendar.html
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2. Parents
By IMPROV
Seeing that I'm not feeling particularly creative....I've
decided to have all of you endure a little bitch session. Actually,
if you're a parent, consider this a wake up call! Just a little
background note...I'm 22 my girlfriend of about 7 months is 18. Over
all I have never been more in love with anyone in my entire life. And
I'm sure that it is genuine because we're past the infatuation stage.
Now, the issue at hand is not the relationship itself, it's her
parents. Nice middle class Irish Catholic family. I'm Anglican
(which basically means I'm a lazy Catholic) so religion is not an
issue. My girlfriend , is (to quote John Bender of the Breakfast Club)
"a parent's wet dream"....an A student, plays several musical
instruments, takes place in many excetera curricular activities and
rarely fights with her three siblings.
Then there's me: average student while in high school, took
one year of college, dropped out (I'm in the process of finding myself,
actually I did find me, I didn't like who I was so now I'm looking for
someone else to take my place). But I am going back in September (not
out of the need to better myself, merely out of the fear of the
thought of working at a Bingo hall for the rest of my life). ANYHOW,
I'm sure you can conclude that the point of all of this is the fact
that her parents (more specifically her mother)...dislike me a tad.
Actually to paraphrase, "I don't hate Rob, I just don't like you
dating him" A not uncommon problem...probably not even worthy space
on the information super highway...well TOO FREAKIN' BAD!! it's my
time.
Listen parents...the harder time you give to your children
about the people they see, the more they will want to see them!! Its
common knowledge, Christ they knew it in the 1500's, just ask
Shakespeare.
The worst thing about this situation is that there is no
apparent reason why I am looked upon as the Anti Christ, her mother
says she has her reasons but doesn't wish to share them...how
ridiculous is that? Now, I know that as a person I am not the
greatest...in fact I probably wouldn't want my daughter dating anyone
like me (if I had a daughter) BUT I'm damn sure that I'd trust my
daughter to make the right decisions, and granted the right decision
for her may not be right for Daddy. I would hope to God though that I
brought her up properly to make the right ones. And in the case of my
girlfriend she is smart enough to do what is right.
So to any parents out there: No matter what an idiot your
child is dating, realize that you've raised a smart child. Know that
the guidance you've given in the past, once they reach a certain age,
will only hinder them. They will resent you for it and you relationship will never be the same.
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3. Lilith DemHareIs Takes Over The World.
by Lilith DemHareIs
Jobs. They often suck. <sigh> But jobs are necessary. It's how we
pay the rent/mortgage/bail. But once in a while, there comes along a
chance to *not* work. Good thing. Jobs often interfere with Life, by
not giving you enough time to do what's really important...
Like take over the world.
I am now happily unemployed. By virtue of being a Kept Woman, I was
able to quit my job, and focus on the important stuff of taking over
the world.
It is too late to affect this current generation (often called
Generation X, the missing generation, the lost generation, etc.).
They have already been ruined, and there is no hope of redeeming
them. But the next generation, and unnamed generation, is young and
ready to be molded by the power-hungry megalomaniacs of today.
You wanna change the world? You change the children of today. Being
directly after Generation X, these young squirts have the "advantage"
of seeing our hopelessness, and, in turn, they yearn for a brighter
future. Since they don't know what "brighter" is supposed to be like
(thanks to the materialistic 80's and disillusioned yet earth-friendly
90's), we can mold these young minds to our purposes. Just as the
Depression/War era generation spawned the ignorant yet financially
secure 50's, thus can we do the same with the next Millenium.
What do we want the world to be like? We must firmly fix our vision
of the future. We must know *exactly* what we want. Do we know what
we want? If we do, then we mold children to those ideals.
Sure, we could change ourselves. But we are only one person. We'll
affect x many people by our changes. But if we change the life of
just one child, then our influence doubles. Two children, and it
triples. The more children we affect, the greater our influence
over the world.
Religion is the future of the world. I know, I know, many people will
disagree with me, but only on the basis of their own aversion to
religion. That is their problem. And it will continue to be their
problem, for religion is increasing at a phenomenal rate. (Did you
know that one of the major world religion's has *doubled* their
membership in the past three years?) As the world moves towards a
sense of hopelessness, many people will turn to religion to give them
answers. And while many religions lack all the answers (and a small
handful *do* have ALL the answers), they will still turn there,
because it gives them a sense of hope.
Religion is power. Most people don't realize the power religion brings.
Shame. They could have more control over the world if they did.
So, raise those children in religion. Show them the power it gives
them, then teach them what you want them to do. Then set them loose
on the world. Some people will recognize the religion in these [not so]
young ones, and gravitate towards them. Others will sense the power.
And yet others, being weak-minded, will be bent to the will of these,
your children, and--ultimately--to yours.
Empowerment is the secret to molding the children. When they are really
young, they will learn that you have the power. But as they get older,
give them responsibility, and show them that they, too, have power.
They can win friends and influence people. They can become leaders
at school and in organizations. And as you train them in strength,
remind them of the Greater Good of the World, which is what you all
are working towards.
I have no job. I have the time and opportunity to spend taking over the
world. I have volunteered at a local school, to work with children each
week. I have thirty children I get to influence. At church, I have
been given eighty. That's over a hundred children I get to influence.
Now, a hundred may not seem like a drop in the bucket compared to
6 billion...
But give me time...
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4. Bipoetic Senses
BIPOETIC SENSES
By Christopher Stolle (Indiana Poet)
they are never going to go away:
this self-written play, this deaf dialogue
this feeling which unbalances my attitude -
between myself - my outer face ...
and my inner reflection for others to see;
this cry for salvation, this sigh for hatred,
this drought which leaves holes in my flesh -
between myself - my outer hands ...
and my inner grasps for others to touch;
this false moment for peace, this trivial ache,
this jealousy which flavors the remorse -
between myself - my outer delicacies ...
and my inner thirst for others to taste;
this unbridled burden, this nervous failure,
this unarmed sanctuary which explains my fears -
between myself - my outer amphitheater ...
and my inner echoes for others to hear;
this hallway existence, this marketplace for disease,
this harvest wheelbarrow which consumes my faith -
between myself - my outer nostrils ...
and my inner rainstorm for others to smell.
"I am the poem that doesn't rhyme. Just turn back the page."
-- Elton John
Visit Christopher Stolle's Literary Home Page @
http://php.indiana.edu/~cstolle
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5. Top 10 Cartoon Drug Users
courtesy of J.P. Gionet
10. Gargamel (from "The Smurfs")
Most likely LSD. Spends his life in pursuit of little blue guys in
faggy white outfits and mentally abusing his cat. What does he plan
to do with the blue dwarfs when he catches them anyway?
9. Olive Oyl
Probably Dexatrim abuse, maybe some amphetamines. Who is that skinny?!
She might even be anorexic, she IS always giving her burger to her
friend. One side question, what the hell are Popeye and Brutus
thinking? They almost made the list for courting her.
8. Snagglepuss
Can't explain it. Maybe it's the name, or the look, but he is
suspicious.
7. He-Man
This is an easy one. I mean c'mon. Roid monkey #1. "BY THE POWER OF
ANABOL!!!!!!" Makes me want to root for Skeletor. Alone in his castle,
hitting the weights. And on top of that he even injects the shit in his
pet tiger. Animal Abuse.
6.& 5. Yogi and Boo Boo
We all know what is really in those picnic baskets. They go back to the
cave and trip. Another side; are they gay? I mean, take a look at boo
boo.
4. Droopy D.
The number one downer abuser in toon land. Can't someone slip him an
upper every year or two? The only time I ever saw him happy is when he sees the
picture of the babe.
3. Dopey Dwarf
He openly admits it. The other dwarfs deny involvement but they are
under investigations. Allegations that Doc is writing some extra
scripts for Sneezy and all the guys that are partaking are afloat.
2. Daffy Duck
If he isn't using crack, Marion Barry is clean. He is so wired he
bounces around on his head without pain. Blows his beak off all the
time. Some symptoms might be from "daffiness" but Haldol wouldn't work
for him. Might for his buddy with Tourettes, Porky though.
1. Shaggy
By far the #1 suspect. His clothes, his hair, his bad goatee, the boy
converses with dogs. But all of this is nothing until you go to the
Munchie Factor. Anybody who averages 9.3 dog treats consumed per
episode does pot. And Look at the way he and his friends painted that
van!
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Squisheart : nasty as nasty goes :)
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine "media you can abuse"
In memory of Father Ross "Padre" Legere
Published every second Monday (or when we get around it)
Disclaimer: unintentionally offensive
Comments, queries and submissions are welcome
http://www.capnasty.org ISSN 1482-0471
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