Capital of Nasty Vol. 02 Issue 32

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Capital of Nasty

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Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine 
Volume II, Issue 32, Year AD MCMXCVII 
Monday, August 11th, 1997 
ISSN 1482-0471 
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"Life is an interactive game. Not much of a plot, but great graphics." 
     - Hammed Malik, Web Programmer. 

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Linda Smitley points out, in regards of the advertising bloopers article 
which appeared last week, that "Kellogs Bran Buds" in Swedish becomes 
"Burnt Farmer". 

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1.     Voice mail hell 
2.     Monty Haul Gamemasters - A dangerous epidemic 
3.     Newsbits 
4.     The CoN Movie Review: George of the Jungle / A Simple Wish 

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 This week's Golden Testicle Web Award goes to: 

                  Traumagotcha 
       for the disturbed child within you 

 http://www.toymania.com/figurethis/trauma2.html 

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1.     Voice mail hell 
           by Art Neilans 

     [I found this article while reading Eye magazine, in their "Space 
for rant" section, August 1997] 

     Good Morning.  Bonjour. 
Ici/Welcome to Conglomerated Amalgamated Industries.  For service in 
French press 1.  For service in English, press 2. 
     If you know the extension of the person you are calling, enter it 
now.  If you know the name of the person you are calling, spell it now 
using the touch tone pad of your telephone located directly in front 
of your viewing area on your personal hand set and you will be given 
his/her extension.  If you know the department you are calling, please 
spell it now using the touch tone pad and you will be given the central 
number of the voice mail servicing that specific profit centre.  If you 
do not know the name, number or department you are calling, please 
call again after you have had a chance to gather your thoughts and 
regain some focus.  If you still want to stay on the line please press 
4 for more options. 
     If, for some reason, this call is important to you and you would 
like to leave a message for this special individual whose name, number 
and department currently escapes you, please press 6 for our advanced 
search options. 
     If you know his six-digit birth date, press 5.  If you know his 
11-digit provincial health card number, press 8.  If you know his 
17-digit Vehicle Identification Number, press 9. 
     If you are calling to register a complaint, please enter your 
27-digit personal access code printed in Braille in the lower right 
corner of your quarterly statement.  Your call will be taken by the 
next available corporate therapist, who will attempt to navigate the 
Rubik's Cube of your convoluted thought processes in an effort to 
unearth the personal demons that are causing you to drag everyone 
down into your own private hell. 
     Please stay on the line to maintain priority. 
We appreciate your patience. 

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2.     Monty Haul Gamemasters - A dangerous epidemic 
           by Peter Fung 

 
                   MONTY HAUL GAMEMASTERS 

                    A DANGEROUS EPIDEMIC 

                   By Artimage W. Peasley 

              Ph.D, MA, BS, CCS, KGB, NRA, NYC 

     Professor, Game Psychology Dept., Miskatonic University  

 
	THE INFORMATION  you are about to read is true.  Due to the 
sensitive nature of the subject, the names have been changed to protect 
the innocent.  Readers are advised to use discretion to prevent an 
unwanted rash of Monty Haul-style gamemasters.  The author cannot be held 
responsible for outbreaks of giveaway campaigns.  

September 3, 1988:  A 16-year-old gamemaster allows a party of 3rd level 
adventurers to acquire the Wand of Orcus by means of a single dice roll. 

July 13, 1990:  The Bifrost Bridge is destroyed by a 2nd level sorcerer 
during a campaign run by a 31-year-old stockbroker.  The gods are so 
distraught by this event that he is able to conquer Asgard 
single-handedly. 

October 29, 1994:  A 18-year-old high school student allows a 1st level 
magicuser always casting an Ice wall spell, a 100% kill rate on anything 
he encountered. 

August 18, 1996:  A 24-year-old computer consultant permits three 
characters to devastate R’lyeh and destroy Great Cthulhu himself....with 
a handgun.    

 
Are these a demented game designer’s worst nightmares?  Perhaps.  But 
they are something far worse.  They are real.  And they happen everyday 
through the world. 
	 
      	I began working in the Game Psychology Department of the 
Miskatonic University 1967.  At that time our biggest problem was to 
determine the political and social ramifications of the game Twister. 
But today our challenge is much greater.  We are faced with a group of 
people known affectionately as "Monty Haulers."  They come from every age 
group and every walk of life.  Most were raised in a good home and given 
a chance to make something of themselves. 

	Yet there is something monstrous lurking deep inside these people 
which shows itself when they run a role-playing campaign.  This 
over-whelming urge to give away treasure and allow peasants to destroy 
gods with a single blow is spreading like a cancerous growth and 
undermining our society.  Their mutated style of running a campaign is as 
dangerous as the most deadly, horrifying disease.  They are infiltrating 
our games and threading fibrous tendrils throughout our gamemasters. 
Their very presence is like pustulating, oozing flesh dripping with 
mind-consuming gore...... 

	Ahem.....sorry. 

 	While working on the Monty Haul Syndrome at MU, I conducted many 
interviews with known or prospective Monty Haulers.  Throughout my 
studies I noticed that some of these people allowed the giveaways 
attitude to affect their normal life.  Conducted in 1990, the interview 
most indicative of this is in part reproduced below.  We have been 
extremely careful to avoid the use of last names to prevent public 
ridicule. 

     Miskatonic University:  "How are you feeling today, Steve?" 

     Steve:  "Well, I’m fine, thank you." 

     MU:  "Are you still playing role-playing games since your 
     inauguration?" 

     Steve:  "Well, yes."  

     MU:  "How’s Cora?" 

     Steve:  "Well, she’s fine too.  Would you like to have her?" 

     MU:  "Uh, no thank you, Steve.  What would you like to talk about 
     today?" 

     Steve:  "Well, I’m trying to balance the budget this week, but it 
     always comes out with a deficit.  I guess I should let everyone 
     take what they need and then give the rest to charity." 

     MU:  "Don’t you think that’s a little bit harsh?" 

     Steve:  "Well, yes I guess you’re right.  I’ll give it all to 
     charity." 

     [Later.....] 

     MU:  "I guess that about wraps it up for today." 

     Steve:  "Well, I guess I should pay you.  Here’s my wallet." 

     This kind of attitude is going to ruin our game-playing society. 
It will reach out like the gaunt hand of death and squeeze the life 
force from our genre.  It will creep langorously into our very souls 
and ravish our sanity to the point of utter and irrevocable insanity! 

	Excuse me.  I digress. 

	The standard method of treatment for these giveaway gamemasters 
is to subject them as players to a campaign similar to their own style, 
and then immediately drop them in a campaign where they are stripped of 
their possessions.  This is a traumatic shock to the average Monty Haul 
player.  The emotional repercussions can be dangerous.  The immdeiate 
reaction is screaming and jumping  (tantrumus throwicus) and repeat of 
the phrase, "You can’t do that to me!"  This will pass, following by 
the "I’m-leaving-and-never-playing-with-you-again" phase ( called 
ILANPWYA by professionals).  Given enough time to think about their 
actions, the Monty addict will usually return at a later date. 

NOTE:   There seems to be a bizarre case of selective amnesia associated 
with the ILANPWYA phase since the player will claim to have said "no 
such thing" (along with the amazing reappearance of his possessions 
including some new magic which allows him/her to call back his 
possessions back from anywhere at any time).  Repetition of the 
possession-stripping must then follow, perhaps including the total 
destruction of some pieces.  This can often lead to violent reactions 
(including a repeat of the ILANPWYA phase).  If, after several 
applications of this treatment, the player hasn’t changed or moved away 
permanently, chain his hands to the bumper of a car and threaten to 
drive to the other side of the world. 

	If you feel that you or someone you love is in danger of 
becoming a Monty Hauler, take the Monty Haul Self Test and see how you 
fare.  If you rate a definate Monty Hauler please contact the MHA (Monty 
Hauler Anonymous) nearest you.  Do not feel ashamed or embarassed by 
your actions.  The MHA is there to help you cope with this terrible 
disease; to ease the undying evil feeling inside which elicits gibbering 
and weeping when someone questions your judgement.  Never again will you 
feel the overwhelming urge to smother your players in that horrible, 
mutated, cnakerous style of playing.  No longer will you exert your 
dank, putrid, unthinkable rules on innocents.  MHA will surely put a 
stop to the bubbling, monstrous, and downright icky things you inflict 
on these poor hopeless souls. 

	Please get help.  Most people are not as stable as they seem.      

 
MONTY HAULER SELF TEST 
MISKATONIC UNIVERSITY 

 
     Answer each question using the following Peasley scientific 
rating system. 

1-False.  Wrong.  Unthinkable.  Never happens. 

2-Usually doesn’t happens.  Not likely. 

3-Sometimes.  Sort of.  Maybe.  I don’t know.  I don’t care. 

4-Usually true.  most of the time.  Yeah, I suppose. 

5-Always.  Fer sure, eh.  Yep.  No doubt.  Of course, eh. 

 

---[1]	The amount of fun a player has is directly proportional to the 
amount of treasure he receives.  And my players are ecstatic!  In 
fact, they have more treasure than is found in the entire Dungeon 
Masters Guide and I’m proud of that. 

---[2]	Artifacts are meant to be used.  The more the players have in 
their possessions, the better the game.  And this stuff about side 
effects is silly. 

---[3]	Experience points are only a guideline.  You should alwyas give 
out more than the book says.  Even if the players didn’t win the fight. 

---[4]	I have created many new magic items like the Backpack of Holding 
(which has a 27 cubic-mile area	and weighs less than a balloon) and the 
Decanter of Endless Anything (which contains an infinite amount of 
liquid you can think of including, but not limited to, water, oil, wine, 
brandy, vinegar, acid, poison, root beer, brain fluid of a mind flayer, 
and any potion real or imagined). 

---[5]	Players I my campaign never die.  Except when they really tic me 
off.  A lot. 

---[6]	Gold doesn’t weigh very much in my campaign.  Why, the other day 
a  first-level magic user obliterated a Kobold  (with a ice wall spell) 
carrying 700,000 gold pieces.  He then carried them back into town. 
Alone.  Barefoot.  And blind.  With one hand.  At night.  Not that 
nighttime makes any difference if he’s blind.  

---[7]	There is an abundance of magic items in my world.  For example, 
there is a paladin who collects	Holy swords.  He’s looking for number 74 
right now. 

---[8]	My players don’t argue with me.  In fact they love me. 

---[9]	I am charge of a non-profit organization. 

---[10]	I didn’t find this article humorous.  It was offensive and the 
author should be shot. 

 
Total your answers and check your score below: 

 
10-15   You certainly don’t have a Monty Haul problem. 
        In fact you might consider being a bit more generous.  					 
        No need to torture your players so much.  Meany. 

16-25   Not bad.  You’re a stingy, but overall you’re doing okay.  					 
        You’d make a great game designer. 

26-35   Borderline Monty Hauler.  Be very careful.  You may end up in 
        deep psychological trouble.  If you begin donating heavily to 
        any organization, see a doctor. 

36-45   You need help.  You’re definately suffering from Monty Haulius 
        Extremeus and should see a professional counselor. 

46-50   You’re in deep trouble.  A real pushover.  Don’t try to get 
        help, it would infect others.  You are 	hopeless and should 
        probably consider locking yourself in the basement and swallowing 
        the key. 

 
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3.     Newsbits 

Contact at home 

     The SETI program at radio telescope in Arecibo, Puerto Rico, is 
producing a huge amountof data that scientists don't have the resources 
to analyze.  Internet surfers who have computer power to spare are being 
recruited to help analyze chunks of the data, reports New Scientist 
magazine.  "Each volunteer will be supplied with an analysis program that 
automatically processes the data for a few hours or days, before returning 
it to the server. ... The Internet project is called SETI@home and is due 
to launch next spring". 

     Courtesy of Mike Kesterton (Globe and Mail) 

 
Lock up your gnomes, Belgian police advise 

Police have advised residents around the central Belgian town of Wavre 
to lock up their garden gnomes at night after several disappearances, 
Belga news agency reported Wednesday. Garden gnomes -- popular in 
Belgium -- had earlier been disappearing in the city of Namur to the 
south of Wavre and callers to police there claimed responsibility on 
behalf of a group called the "Gnome Liberation Front." Police have not 
drawn a link between the incidents in Namur and Wavre. Two gnomes 
disappeared from a home in the hamlet of Grez-Doiceau, near Wavre, 
Belga said, and were later found hanging from a tree with a note 
attached saying where they had been taken from. 

     Courtesy of Jurassic Gard, NEWSpot ECE 7/30/97 

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4.     The CoN Movie Review: George of the Jungle / A Simple Wish 
           by Leandro+ 

     I was brave.  I brought my sister to see both "George of the Jungle" 
and "A simple wish" on the condition that my girlfriend would then take 
her to see "Good burger".  She said "sure" and asked if the movie 
is any good. 
     "Good burger?  Yeahhh..." I answered "Damn good movie!" 
I got this feeling I will be single soon (or dead). 
     Since I had promised my sister that I would take her to see the 
darned two movies, I had planned to see "A simple wish" first, since I 
had assumed it was going to blow goats, and "George of the Jungle" last 
since I was pretty sure it was going to be amazing.  If I had only 
known... 

"A simple wish" 

     Although many looked at the fact that this movie has Martin Short 
in it, and that annoying little kid from "Matilda", this movie is a 
must see, especially if you have a brat sister that you want to keep 
quiet for a while (while she is distracted you can sabotage her 
Tomagotchi). 

     I arrived in the movie theater thinking that this movie was going 
to suck, and I was surprised to see it was actually funny, instead of 
dumb. 
Remember the girl in Matilda?  She's back, this time she's the 
daughter of a wannabe Broadway show singer dad who, for a living, 
pulls a carriage in Central Park.  Since the little girl's teeth is 
falling out, Murry (Martin Short) pays her a visit to grant her a 
wish.  Of course Murry is clumsy (kids apparentely love that about 
people) and screws up her wishes.  Dad turns into a statue, the horse 
on the carriage turns into a mouse, the carriage itself becomes a 
pumpkin. 
Of course there are also the forces of evil, as a Fairy God Mother 
gone bad (turned to the "dark side") steals all the wands from the other 
Fairy Got Mothers in order to be an all powerful witch.  Guess who's 
turn to save the day? 

     There are plenty of frogs, but that's not before turning a 
tobacco-chewing redneck in Nebraska into a 50 feet tall Rabbi.  That 
scene alone is worth watching the movie. 
Lot of computer special effects throughout the movie, but they are 
very well done, and most of all, not overdone. 

    If you need a movie to take your kids to, and you want to enjoy it 
as well, I suggest "A simple wish".  It's got everything a kid wants 
to see 

 
"George of the Jungle" 

    Why? 
You'll hear yourself repeating that question many times. 
Why am I here? 
Why are we staring down the cleavage of that woman? 
Why are his jungle-boxers getting closer to the "danger line"? 
Why are all these women in the movie looking at George and drooling 
and making comments of a very sexual meaning? 
Although this is a movie, you will be tempted to yell back at 
George that "maybe George is just stoopid", but tests have proven 
that the actors on the screen can't hear you. 
    I used to watch "George of the Jungle" in the morning because it 
was fun, and because it was a lot better than watching "Rocket Robin 
Hood", so I had entered the movie theatre expecting a funny movie that 
even I as an adult (I'm an adult now) could enjoy. 
Instead I find an actor that could easily be a combination between 
Jean Luc Van Damned and those psychotic facial expressions that only 
Mel Gibson has, with oil all over his muscled body and jungle-wear 
that always seemed to be ready to fly off.  Oh and he crashes against 
trees a lot: not even my sister laughed after the nth time. 
     Something I did not expect from a Disney moving was seeing George 
arrive via UPS (advertising?), open up a box and put on Nike Air, only 
after he shows them to the camera in every possible angle. 
     One thing I noticed by Disney movies, new or old, is that there 
seems to always be a scene where an animal does something particularly 
stupid, and everyone just laughs for way too long.  I guess it's one of 
those Disney By-Laws: "If making a movie, it must have a 2 minutes 45 
second part where a monkey eats a banana, and everyone around laughs 
like idiots". 
     Oh, there is a plot, but the moment you start watching the 
movie you will probably figure it out right away.  I don't want to 
ruin this great flick for you. 

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Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine "media you can abuse" 
In memory of Father Ross "Padre" Legere. 
Published every monday (or Tuesday) 
Disclaimer: unintentionally offensive. 
Comments and Queries welcomed. 

http://www.capnasty.org/capnasty - ISSN 1482-0471 

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