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Capital of Nasty Vol. 02 Issue 19 uncensored
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume II, Issue 19, Year AD MCMXCVII
Monday, May 12th, 1997
Uncensored Edition
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It's a rough life, but someone has to be make it worse.
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Come join the laughter -- over 16,000 people
in four months have discovered Joke A Day as
their daily source of a great joke!
http://www.jokeaday.com
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1. Readers' Letters
2. GamesPhobia: SPECIAL
3. BK WARS: Episode IV -The Restroom of Doom
4. Organic Wars
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This week's Golden Testicle Web Award goes to:
CHRISTIANSFOR THE CLONiNG OF JESUS
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Acropolis/8611/page2.htm
I took the freedom to write to them:
From: leandro@capnasty.org
To: goldapple@hotmail.com
Subject: Cloning Jesus
Date sent: Sat, 10 May 1997 23:11:40
Hello. Cloning Jesus is such a great idea. I can't wait to have my
own Jesus running around the house. He could help me in my life, and
why not, tell me what is the best way to seek life. I have a
question: by being Christians, we are not supposed to use alcohols
and drugs or any other poison that the evil man has made. So, I ask
you, what have you been smoking? Where can I get some?
Thank you so much for your attention,
Warm Regards
and may God bless you wherever you are!
A-men!
Leandro+
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1. Readers' Letters
Date: Mon, 5 May 1997 18:40:08 -0400 (EDT)
From: ajr <alexis.roettinger@yale.edu>
To: CoN Editorial <con@capnasty.org>
Subject: Re: Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine II.18
> > Monday, May 4th, 1997
>
> oh really? ;)
>
> > -------------------------------------------
> >
> > Happy Birthday, Colin.
> > Monday, May 5th, MCMXCVII
> >
> > -------------------------------------------
>
> That's my bday too! 21 at last...
>
> alex
>
> well i've been deleting the rest of the quoted message for five
> minutes, and it's stil going, so i give up.
>
> fin.
I chopped the rest of the message. Happy Birthday btw.
As for the date, I realized that there was something wrong with it
only after I e-mailed CoN. At that point it was a little too late.
You know, I can stare at today's date all day, and still not know
what day it is. No matter, it was a good excuse to go to a coffee
shop and create some random anarchy.
Leandro+
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Date sent: Wed, 05 May 1997 13:36:28 -0400
To: Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro <leandro@ifront.com>
From: Carl Ma <carl.ma@utoronto.ca>
> why are you posting my personal e-mail to you in your CoN?
> You should have let me known, I would have written much better
> (kiss more ass) and more formal...
Your mail seemed to be CoN related and hey.. you don't
have to kiss ass, I already sat on your lap more then once during
the reunion. And I want a copy of that photo.
Leandro+
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2. GamesPhobia: SPECIAL
This issue of CoN has been divided into two distributions.
One for the people that work at IFront, Gamesmania and/or Microforum
(that is where I work) and another edition (this one) for those that
have nothing to do with the companies I have mentioned above. Their
edition has been censored, and this article removed and replaced
with a disclaimer, stating that the edition you are reading was not
sent through their servers, nor by me.
What's going on? Here is proof that there are no signs of
intelligent life out there, because we already lack them on our own
planet. It also goes to show that a form of dictatorship and abuse
still exists in many forms, and there is nothing that people can do
about it. They can just sit there and have this shit shoved in
their faces.
With another two people that work at Gamesmania (names not shown
for their own sake) we had decided to create a joke site called
Gamesphobia. Games would have been reviewed and since we were not part
of Gamesmania, we could've slaughtered them. You could say we were
the Mr. Cranky of computer games.
(Mr. Cranky Rates the Movies: http://internet-plaza.net/zone/mrcranky/)
By registering the site and placing Ifront's primary server
in the registration list, a CC of the process went to our C.E.O.
I thought nothing of it, since I had already registered "Capital of
Nasty". The programmer advised me to mention what we were doing
to the C.E.O., but it did not seem important.
What happens: The C.E.O. receives the letter from Internic. He
literally freaks thinking there is someone out there making fun of
Gamesmania. He tells the programmer that he wants to start a lawsuit.
We are informed of this, and we tell him that this is just something
we want to create. He calms (or so we think) and wants us to write
a description of what the site would be about, and to print out a copy
of the Internic's registration confirmation e-mail, sign it and
giving it to him, so that he can talk to his legal department. What
he wanted to do instead was to go to a newly hired C.E.O., Mr. Richard
Winston, and have us fired for "wasting company time" and for "making
fun of Gamesmania". We had pointed out that this would've been done
in our spare time (ie. at home) and that if it was offensive in any
way that we would drop it. Oh, and BTW, I'm not supposed to know
any of this. But good news always travel around.
Fortunately the programmer calmed the C.E.O. down and he never went to
Mr. Richard Winston to complain. I'd like to point out that the company
is going through a terrible time. Most of the staff has been fired,
the stock went down from 7.50$ to about 0.75$ (and it is dropping still).
Mr. Richard Winston has been hired from California (I guess here in
Ontario, CA we don't have people as good as this guy) to help bring
the company back up. I'd also like to add that although Mr. Richard
Winston has done nothing to me, after his constant use of the phrase
"change is good" (change: firing about 80% of the staff), I began to
feel a profound hate for him.
We all decided to drop the Gamesphobia idea. Better to keep our jobs
than to cause all this hassle over a joke. As we are walking towards
the bus stop I am told that suddenly the C.E.O. likes the idea.
Perhaps some obscure fool up in marketing has been able to convince
him that GamesPhobia wasn't really such a bad idea. He wants to take
the idea and somehow implement it into Gamesmania.
One of us said "first I was completely for the idea. Now I AM the one
that wishes it would die".
"What if" I dared "we give the site to someone else?"
"They will get sued" I was told.
"What if I don't want to give them the site? After all it is
registered to me."
"You will get fired" I was told again.
"So what do I do? I don't want them to take our idea and use it as
theirs and watch them fuck it up too" I complained.
"Don't fight back.." they told me "resistance is futile. Change is
good."
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3. BK WARS: Episode IV -The Restroom of Doom
by Peter Fung (alpha1@pathcom.com)
It was just another one of those uneventful days at work, where we
almost always get swamped by the masses of people who enter our
establishment, just to get something loosely resembling food into their
empty heads. For me, it was one of those shifts that start wonderfully
in the morning! I HATE MORNINGS! To add to it, I got back from taking
my girlfriend home late, the night before, so I was functioning with the
coordination of a wounded waterbuffalo. The last time I looked at the
clock, it said 1:30pm, when I thought it was half an hour later, it was
still 1:30!! Great! I was trapped in the restaurant that time forgot! I
asked my manager, Hey, I think there's a problem here! And pointed to
the clock. My manager gives me a puzzled look,"huh?" I sighed and
pointed. "The clock hasn't moved for the last half'n hour!" The manager
with a expressionless face goes. "Eh, iz okay! YOU fix." And walked off
to do some "managerial" stuff, which means, smoke break every 5
minutes. So there I am, about to get ther ladder, when suddenly a
horrified co worker emerges fron the dining faciilities, namely the
washrooms, with a look of utter fear. I asked, what was wrong, all I
got from my petrified comrade was a repeated mutter. "Womens...stall
#4...it's horrible! Game over man, game over!" that's all he said, until
we had to pacify him with a blow from an extremely dated burger. How
old? Let's just say, the wrapper still had bell bottoms on it!
We immediately had a emergency session to chose a pair of
"brave"individuals to enter the now cordined off area with BK security
standing guard with the door marked with, BK LINE DO NOT CROSS. With a
toss of a burger patty, I was unfortunate to be chosen, along with a
greenhorn recruit, named Chris. Feeling like a pair of Enterprise red
shirts, we armed ourselves with deodorizer spraypistols and outfitted
ourselves with bodyarmor constructed out of honeycombed cardboard
composite, used to package burgers. Completing our equipment, were two
motion trackers which made that neat "bleep bleep", noise. So poorly
equiped, we gathered what little courage we had and slowly entered the
women's facilities, not forgeting to set our spraypistols to "Freshen
and deordorize", and with a count of three, we bursted in, with Chris
laying covering fire with his spray pistol. "Who wants some?!! YAAAA!!"
he cried out. I quickly entered into a commando roll firing single shot
bursts. "Eat this!!!" I screamed, but I didn't notice losing sight of
Chris so quickly in the darkness. During the heated fire fight I heard
it, a terrrible gurgling sound which was Chris.He succumbed to the
smell.
"They must've gotten Chris!Poor bastard!" I muttered to myself as I
quickly checked my motion tracker. I was getting multiple signals!
"They're all over the place!" I thought out loud. "Perhaps today is a
good day to die!" I grunted, ready to pull the pin out of my
pressurized can of Lysol grenade I carried in my "Whopper
Warrior" shorts. If I was going to die, I was sure to take some of them
with me! Just then an huge explosion erupted, and a hole with light
streaming, penetrating the darkness as the smoke cleared, I realized it
could only be one thing, Leandro in his Combat No Frills Shopping Cart!
The glint of the medal of the highly polished battle cart and it's
impressive assortment of sanitary and deodorant weaponry, made it a
terror for any scum or offensive scent. "Let's blow this thing so we
can go home!" He cried. I hurtled the Lysol and dove to the ground.
KABOOM!! When I finally came to, Leandro, with his chin elevated, with
his No Frills apron swaying in the wind, complete with old style WWI
aviator goggles stood proudly overlooking the carnage. He shrugged and
said, "Sorry I was late,..I thought it was the BK at Wellsley Station!"
I smiled and walked through the rubble and said, "That was too close!"
Then with Leandro not looking, I gave him a Atomic wedgey. "Next time,
don't be late!" I bellowed as the "Fruit of the Looms" tag came over his
head. "..Okay" Leandro said in a ultra sonic voice. "Let's go home." I
said and we both returned to a heroes welcome complete with a burger
shower complete with your choice of toppings. And there was cause for
much rejoicing.
THE END
So once again the forces of sanitation and cleanliness prevail, but the
war is far from over.....
Next......................BK WARS: The Stench strikes back
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4. Organic Wars
by Leandro (leandro@capnasty.org)
Weapon designation by Rob Galkowski
Although with the departure of Emmet Stiff from his Sunday
afternoon shift, caused by his sudden need to learn tap dancing, the no
frill's Warfare Division has been put on hold. Nevertheless (what a
strange word) I think it is still important to describe the various
weapons and armours used during the no frillian Organic Wars. no frill
historians will probably understand the value of this information, being
an important milestone in the evolutionary understanding of the "clerk".
Here is a brief description of some of the weapons used by the
clerk. This weapons are for offensive purposes and should not be
confused with those used against the fight toward the evil Stench.
Cee Cee (Case Cutter)
Emergency Gatling Granade (E.G.G.)
TorpedO Matter-Antimatter Temporal Organic Emmitor (T.O.M.A.T.O.E.)
Secret High AutoVolume Ionized Neutralizing Gun (S.H.A.V.I.N.G. Cream)
Bomb Small Personal Rapid Output Unguided Trajectory (Brussel S.P.R.O.U.T)
Persona Interception Emissions (P.I.E.)
Generally Rotten Organic Smelly Substance (G.R.O.S.S.)
Object Removal And Napalm Group Eliminator (O.R.A.N.G.E.)
Anti Vessel Or Craft Armed Detonator Ommitor (A.V.O.C.A.D.O.)
Laser Emmiting Mini Open-air Nailgun (L.E.M.O.N.)
Self Emmiting Non Seen Object foR Tracking Army Groups(S.E.N.S.O.R.T.A.G.)
Carbon Oxidated Liquid Attack (C.O.L.A.)
Chemical Holding Emmitor Self Timed Neutralizing Under Threat (C.H.E.S.T.N.U.T.)
While the combact training is usually done between the Grocery
and the Produce department, both sections have been known of deep
military espionage. Most of the Military Produce Equipment listed above
has been seized during commando operations during docking operations.
Fortunately, thanks to the genius of our scientists (and lack of gray
matter on the produce department) they have been unable to correctly use
our C.O.L.A. containers against us. They shake the bottle and aim it
at us, not realizing that the pressure and the backfire will cause the
high pressure liquid to bounce on the cap and hit them instead. Here
we teach a valuable lesson: you shake the bottle, and with your Cee Cee,
slash accross it on the direction your friendly (but dumb) produce
clerk is. This will cause the liquid from coming out at high speed and
washing him down. This works great, even at far distances.
The mushrooms are another of our favorites. They are very silent
weapons, although they lack accuracy at long distances because of
their shape. This is where the Brussell sprouts come in handy. They
are generally small, round and rather more aereodynamic than your usual
organic weapon. Their incredible silence as they move through the air
is what makes them such a ... stealth. Some people only realize they
are under attack by Brussell sprouts after they got hit. And sprouts,
at high speeds, can be very painful. In fact, they have been seen
ripping through a double layered "no frill" poster. So far, the only
other object that managed to do that were the boxes of tissue (150
sheets, Kleenex brand). Perhaps because of their boxy shape, some
of them tend to get stuck in between the two paper layers. The boxes
have the advantage of a higher hit probability, but require much more
momentum because of their lightness. They are not used for offensive
attacks, but usually for a tease attack.
Part 1 of Organic Warfare.
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