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Capital of Nasty Vol. 01 Issue 09
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume I, Issue IX, Year MCMXCVI AD
Sunday, August 18th, 1996
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1. Alien Encounter or Natural Human
Disorder
2. How To Terrorize An Ice Cream Parlor
3. Colin's quicks.
4. Closing statement.
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1. Alien Encounter or Natural Human
Disorder
T'was a brisk morning as the six
hikers set out for the
overnight hike from their campsite along
the shores of Lake
Kennabi. Canoeing pour le start of the
trial was a long trip on
its own, but the real hike was about to
begin.
The six loaded their packs, each in
excess of 50 pounds. As the struggled up
and down the high hills of the trial, the
began to notice the intensifying heat of
the noon day sun and the amounting insects
which swarmed around each hikers head like
a cloud of black.
An hour and a half into the hike, the
smallest and youngest hiker, Corbo, began
to drop back a bit behind the back. The
rest carried on at a diligent pace
encountering and conquering many leg
burning hills. As they came to a lake by
the name of Moore, they decided to drop
their load and refresh their dry desert
throats with water as they waited for Corbo
to appear from the last hill.
When all were together, the strapped
on their packs again and headed for the
dense single track trail towards their
destination of Mislaid Lake. The tail
Pines and wild Oaks shaded the adventures
from the streaming rays of the hot sun and
also provided some relief of the mosquitos
and black flies.
With two beaver dams crossed,
hundreds of hills conquered, sweat pouring
from each hikers drained body, and 30 km's
covered by canoe and on foot, they were
faced with the final ascent, 75 feet up a
sheer wall of dirt and rock. Hanging on to
branches for dear life, the six made it up
the cliff and collapsed upon arriving at
the top.
Half an hour after reaching the
summit, the hikers now turned campers for
the night, explored their surrounding area
loading up on dry pine needles, birch park,
and other pieces of wood to secure a fire
for the night. Once camp was set and
firewood was accounted for, it was time for
some cooling off in Mislaid Lake.
There was two ways to get in,
either climb to the bottom 75 feet down and
jump in off the shore, or climb 45 feet
down to the cliff and take the next 30 feet
in the air to the shimmering surface below.
After everyone had overcome their worries
about "the jump," it was turing to dusk and
everyone's stomach was rumbling for some
food.
When the blazing fire had turned to
hot cinders, the food was served and
swallowed, and the bug spray had been
applied, had darkness finally fallen on
Mislaid Lake. Nearing 11 o'clock, each
camper decided to call it a night. As a
storm rolled in over the horizon, light
could be seen, but no thunder could be
heard.
Unfortunately, the heat from day had not
lifted and the humidity hung low over the
campsite making it impossible for anyone to
sleep.
As the campers lay awake in too the
wee hours of the morning, did they each
give away to exhaustion from the day's
activities and fell into R.E.M. Lightning
hovered for many hours over Mislaid Lake,
but thunder and rain was never felt nor
heard. At the crack of dawn, the campers
awoke. All voices were heard except for
one, Corbo's. As one would speak to Corbo,
the would get no reply. The rest of the
campers thought he was just up to take a
leak. Corbo never returned from his pis
break though. As the campers arouse to see
were Corbo was, they discovered that his
shoes and flashlight were still there, but
he and his sleeping bag
were missing.
A frantic search ensued. Much to
their horror, they found
Corbo's sleeping bag right next to the
cliff. The emergency
whistle was called in to use with three
sharp blasts as loud as
possible, but after five sets of blast and
half an hour, no help
arrived. It was now nearing five o'clock
in the morning, and Corbo was no where to
be found.
Yet, somewhere off in the distance,
a voice could be heard. Three of the
campers decided to investigate it. After
throwing on long pants and jackets, the
three forced themselves through the thick
dense forest green acquiring cuts and
scrapes through their pants. After a
kilometre in, the came to a tiny lake, one
they had seen the day before, and sure
enough the found Corbo, sitting on a rock
in a T-shirt and his underwear. When all
were relieved to have found him, and they
were back at the cliff did they try to get
some answers. Corbo said he just woke up
on a rock with no recollection of how he
got there. Corbo said though that he was
prone to sleep walking and that was
probably the explanation.
But how could he have walked
through that thick forest, full of fallen
trees and rocks, in his bare feet and legs,
and not have gotten a single tiny scratch
on him. It seemed impossible, but the
impossible had just happened that night.
Each of the campers had a big question mark
on their minds.
After the hike back to base camp,
Corbo was unusually quiet. When we would
joke with him about if the aliens were
coming back tonight, he would simply answer
with a straight "No." Also, the night
after the hike, back at base camp, one of
the campers awoke to find Corbo huddled in
the corner of the tent.
It is highly unlikely that we will
ever know the exact truth
about what happened that night during the
lightning storm at
Mislaid Lake, whether young Corbo simply
had another case of sleepwalking, or if a
alien abduction really did occur.
Story told in best recollection by
Emmet Stiff
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2. How To Terrorize An Ice Cream
Parlor
The Advanced Tutorial
by Werewolf
Back in the infancy of GotW, our
beloved leader published Group of the Week
Number 1, "How To Terrorize An Ice Cream
Parlor". This in our humble estimation, was
the start of an era. But the time for the
simple niceties of anarchy are gone, and
while the original article was fine for the
up and coming anarchist, we feel that it is
now time for a more advanced, and up-to-
date guide to the wrecking of mass hysteria
and utter chaos in a dairy food
establishment. We mean to show you that
you can up the cause of anarchy and get a
double scoop of Tutti-Frutti at the same
time.
<-><-><-> NOTE TO THE READER <-><-><->
For the purposes of this article,
we are only going to describe how to
terrorize a Baskin Robins, for that is
where we sent our young acolytes to do the
field testing on our information. We
believe that the following information will
hold to be true for most ice cream parlors.
We, however, do NOT take any responsibility
for those of you who wish to try our
methods out in either frozen custard or
frozen yogurt parlors. In our estimation,
only effeminate, pablum-puking,
right-wing, public domain using, Dan Quayle
supporting people would eat the following
items willingly. Besides, we didn't have
any in the area to test the ideas out on.
<-><-><-> END OF NOTE <-><-><->
On to the good stuff...
Of course, your first responsibility
should be to get rid of the
zit-faced, under-aged counter worker. And
of course, we here at GotW have, at great
expense and indigestion to ourselves, have
researched this method till we were
bursting with strawberry cheesecake swirl.
We guarantee that this method is, by
government standards, 100% foolproof. And
with the talented fools down at the
government, this means that, when you go to
try it, anything goes.
First, ask the counterperson for an
ice cream cone. Nothing yanks their chain
like someone just asking for an ice cream
cone. When they ask you for the flavor you
wish to ingest, ask them what they've got.
Of course, by now they're going to get
a little upset because the sign with all 30-
odd flavors is on the wall behind their
head. Make it a point to say that you've
forgotten your glasses and have them read
the entire list of ice-cream to you. After
the first recital, make sure to point out
to the helpful young salesperson, that
unfortunately, you are also a little hard
of hearing, and would they mind repeating
the list again. By this time, the
counterperson will be screaming the list in
you ear. See, your already causing
disorder, and we've barely gotten started.
Who knew chaos could be so fun?
Next, say you can't make up your
mind, and would they mind terribly to give
you a taste spoon of one flavor. Now, to
the unenlightened. A taste spoon is one
spoonful of one flavor which they have to
give to you free. Make sure to make the
counterperson give you a spoonful of each
of the 30-odd flavors. By this time, the
counter-person is going to be less than
pleased with your presence at the counter
and you'll probably have started a line
backed up behind you.
Nice job! Keep up the good work! Now from
this point on you have two choices. The
first is to thank the young person for all
his help, but point out to him that you are
either allergic to ice cream and forgot
about it, or have a big dinner and don't
want to ruin your appetite. By this time,
you should run for your life because after
wasting all the person's valuable time, he
probably will be coming after you trying to
kill you with an ice cream scoop. For the
second, more satisfying choice, read
on......
By this time, you've got 30-odd
little purple plastic spoons
in your pocket, and a salesperson bent on
mild hysteria, so let's give the guy a
little leave way, tell him you want
vanilla. Now, the normal person would be
happy that you just made a choice, but not
so here. After going through 30-odd
flavors, he would have expected you to pick
an exotic flavor like raspberry mucus
ripple, but nooooooooo, you had to pick
plain vanilla. This is guaranteed to blow a
few fuses in the poor guy's head. But,
right now, he's figuring he's on the home
stretch. How wrong the poor fool is....
Next, he'll ask what sort of cone you want.
Use the patented answer, "Ice Cream.".
Remember, this is serious business, so no
laughing. After hitting his head against
the counter, he'll say, of course ice
cream, but what kind. Say "crunchy". By
now, the guy should be in a mild hysteria,
we're halfway there. He'll probably go into
the back room and scream for a moment
(hmmmmm, that's why they call it an "I
scream parlor"), and come out and ask you
whether you want a plain cone or a sugar
cone. Just take a moment and remark on how
wonderful it is that they were able to make
a cone out of sugar. Isn't technology
wonderful? By this time, he'll give you a
plain cone whether you want it or not. Next
he'll ask you how many scoops you want.
Make it a point to tell the poor fool that
you came here for ice cream, and not
scoops. Had you wanted scoops, you would
have gone to a hardware store. He'll utter
a strangled cry of despair and ask how
many lumps of ice cream you want on your
cone. (We've now just about broken his
spirit, we're just about there!) Answer
"Two." He'll stand there in stunned
silence. He'll be expecting a stupid
response. He'll say, "Is that it?". Make
sure to say yes. He'll laugh and make
jubilant noises and tell you that the total
price will be $1.35 and hand you your cone.
Rummage around in your pocket for a moment
and say "I'm sorry. I only have a dollar.
Besides, I think I'd rather have a single
scoop, chocolate on a sugar cone." This'll
be all he can take and he'll vault the
counter screaming hysterically at the top
of his lungs. You've completed the first
half of the plan.
So now we've gotten rid of the counter
help, but to finish our master plan for
anarchy, we must work quickly before the
replacement comes. Vault the counter and
empty the cash register. (We always need
money for our other anarchial affairs.
Besides send a little to the poor schmuck
you sent to the sanatarium.) Then switch
all the little signs designating types of
ice cream in the counter window.
What fun you'll have watching the fights
break out between customer and help when
the customer points to strawberry and asks
for vanilla and the customer tells him he's
wrong. Change all the prices on the board
and send all of your friends over. The help
never remembers the prices, so it's .20
shakes for all. Also switch all the topping
containers and put mud in the hot fudge
dispenser. If you're in a particularly evil
mood, throw exlax instead of mud in the hot
fudge. Not only will the sundaes taste
good, they'll clean you out too.....
Also, replace the mocha flavored ice
cream with Folger's crystals. They'll
never know the difference. Other nasty
things to do include: Breaking all the
silly purple spoons in half, punching holes
in the bottom of the paper drink cups,
turning the freezers off (ice cream soup,
anyone?), and setting fire to the silly
paper napkins that couldn't wipe a roach's
ass much less your chin. Also make sure to
take their entire supply of paper coated
straws. That way you can tear the very tops
of them off, and blow little paper missles
at everyone there by creating more of that
oh-so-welcome havoc we know and love.
So ends our advanced tutorial. We have
come the full circle by bringing back to
you an updated version of an old classic.
Watch for other great ways to create
anarchy, along with other tips for life. So
we close this latest episode of GotW with
the question, "If tin whistles are made of
tin, what are foghorns made of?"
-We will say "Nee!" whenever we like!
-We will prove coconuts can be carried
overseas by swallows!
-Our name is GotW, our quest is the holy
grail, our favorite
color is red, no
blue.......ARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!
The Official GotW 1992
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3. Colin's quicks (blonde@io.org)
What Capital of Nasty (fortunately) doesn't
offer, but if you push us hard enough, we
might just find some way to please.
Catullus Colin Barrett
Leandro & Caesarea Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro
elam (sounds like some sick,
perverted, Hill-Billy fuck)
[1:04] *** elam (elam@ppp-6.xanadu2.net)
has joined #con
[1:04] <elam> hi
[1:05] <Catullus> Hi elam.
[1:05] <elam> hey
<Leandro> hello elam
[1:05] <Catullus> Don Leo, wake up.
[1:06] <elam> Does this place have anyone
who will talk
<Leandro> sorry, I was cruising
<Leandro> Elam it does now =)
[1:06] <elam> cool
<Leandro> Where ya from Elam (if we can
ask)
[1:06] <elam> Texas
<Leandro> Catullus and I run a magazine
called "Capital of Nasty" (you
guessed it)
[1:07] <elam> U?
[1:07] <elam> Does anyone have any pics?
<Leandro> what kinda pics? =))
[1:08] <elam> the kind of pics that ya
gotta be 18 to see!
<Leandro> oh yeah, we do =))) here...
[1:09] <elam> can I see them?
[1:09] <Catullus> Well, a little more
specific, please. Straight
porn?
[1:09] <Catullus> Sexual positions?
[1:09] <elam> Yeh straight porn, any sex
position.
[1:10] <Catullus> Rape? Kids? Old folks?
Gen X'ers? Oh, ok. Let's see
what we can do.
[1:10] <Catullus> Leo, do you have the
disks with the doro collection
on them?
[1:10] *** Caesarea sets mode: -o+b elam
!*lam@*.xanadu2.net
[1:10] *** elam was kicked by Caesarea
(stop masturbating you little cock
sucker)
<Leandro> I wish I had sounds for that =)
<Leandro> I had to, sorry =)))
[1:10] <Catullus> Damn.
[1:11] <Catullus> You know what? Let's get
some gifs of roadkill and send
them that when they ask.
<Leandro> yeah!!! yeah!!! -=)))
[1:12] <Catullus> Let's see what I can do.
[1:12] <Catullus> If I find any, I'll send
them to him.
[1:13] <Catullus> (/finger
elam@xanadu2.net)
<Leandro> I despise people like him,
[1:14] <Catullus> ROADKILL QUARTERLY!!!!
<Leandro> no luck with the finger
<Leandro> HAHAHAHA!!
[1:14] <Catullus> nOPE.
[1:15] <Catullus>
http://www.collideascope.com/empire/rkq/
<Leandro> no fucking shit!
[1:17] <Catullus> fuck this is
disgusting!!!
<Leandro> heheheheh
[1:19] <Catullus> Do you think I send this
to elam?
<Leandro> PLEASE DO!
[1:20] <Catullus> He accepted
[1:20] *** Catullus sets mode: -b
*!*lam@*.xanadu2.net
[1:21] <Catullus> Send completed.
<Leandro> What the heck is that road kill?
[1:21] <Catullus> a toad.
<Leandro> it's hard to tell
[1:22] <Catullus> Take a look at this
homepage tomorrow. The
captions are hilarious.
<Leandro> Okay =)
<Leandro> Hey, I'm going to sleep..
[1:22] <Catullus> Bending over backwards..
the HARD way!
<Leandro> you take care!!
<Leandro> HAAHHAAHHAAHAH
[1:22] <Catullus> Assume the position.
[1:22] <Catullus> Take care.
[1:23] <Catullus> Problems breathing? Hey,
where's your mouth?!
<Leandro> HAHAHAHAHA
Session Close: Wed Jul 24 01:23:13 1996
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4. Closing Statements.
Its incredible, somehow we always
manage to pull it out and bring out another
issue of this deranged thing. What scares
me even more is that some people actually
like this. Wow! To all of those that
helped in this issue, special thanks. We
keep going no matter what, and hey, if you
can, tell us about it to your friends, so
we can expand to many other mailboxes =)
Leandro
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