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Capital of Nasty Vol. 02 Issue 11
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume II, Issue 11, Year AD MCMXCVII
Monday, March 17th, 1997
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Support CoN Week - Spread the Propaganda
March 17th - March 26th MCMXCVII
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This Issue of CoN is dedicated to Betty Kwan.
If it had not been for her this week, this issue would not have been
an issue. Betty Kwan is part of our Quality Control Team.
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1. GM Announces Airbag Contest
2. Positive Anarchy
3. Scenes That Could Have Gone Differently
4. Temperature of Hell
5. I give up !!!! Microsoft all is forgiven
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1. GM ANNOUNCES AIRBAG CONTEST
by WAYNE WILLIAM SMITH <ws96ac@badger.ac.BrockU.CA>
DETROIT--With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the
domestic market down 11 percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled a
new instant-win airbag contest Monday.
The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed
impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in
all of the company's 1997 cars.
"Auto accidents have never been so exciting," said GM vice-president
of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 1997 sales
significantly. "When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your
next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super Bowl XXXI in
New Orleans. Or a year's worth of free Mobil gasoline."
Though it does not officially begin until Jan. 1, 1997, the airbag
promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback
overwhelmingly positive.
"As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to
myself, 'Oh, boy, this could be it--I could be a big winner!'" said
Cincinnati's Martin Frelks, who lost his wife but won $50 Sunday when
the Buick LeSabre they were driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and
slammed into an oncoming truck. "When the car stopped rolling down
the embankment, I knew Ellen was dead, but all I could think about
was getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read that
airbag!"
Hartford, CT, resident Jonathan Ryerson was killed Sunday when his
1997 Pontiac LeMans hit a freight train. Ryerson won $50 in the
accident.
It's really addictive," said Sacramento, CA, resident Marjorie Kamp,
speaking from her hospital bed, where she is listed in critical
condition with severe brain hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung.
"I've already crashed four cars trying to win those Super Bowl tickets,
but I still haven't won. I swear, I'm going to win those tickets--even
if it kills me!"
Kamp said that as soon as she is well enough, she plans to buy a new
Pontiac Bonneville and drive it into a tree.
GM officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well
received. "In the past, nobody really liked car wrecks, and that's
understandable. After all, they're scary and dangerous and, sometimes,
even fatal," GM CEO Paul Offerman said. "But now, when you drive a new
GM car or truck, your next serious crash could mean serious cash. Who
wouldn't like that?"
Offerman added that in the event a motorist wins a prize but is
killed, that prize will be awarded to the next of kin.
According to GM's official contest rules, odds of winning the grand
prize, a brand-new 1997 Cutlass Supreme, are 1 in 43,000,000.
Statistical experts, however, say the real chances of winning are
significantly worse. "If you factor in the odds of getting in a
serious car accident in the first place--approximately 1 in 720,000
--the actual odds of winning a prize each time you step in your car
are more like 1 in 31 trillion."
Further, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee the
airbag will inflate. "I was recently broadsided by a drunk driver in
my new Chevy Cavalier," said Erie, PA, resident Jerry Polaner. "My
car was totaled, and because it was the side of my car that got hit,
my airbag didn't even inflate. But what really gets me is the fact
that the drunk driver, who rammed my side with the front of his 1997
Buick Regal, won a $100 Office Depot gift certificate. That's just
wrong."
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2. Positive Anarchy
by Leandro (leandro@capnasty.org)
So here we are again, late as usual, and this magazine is
deteriorating into what I would call a demented collection of things
which are relativety funny. Friday night, after coming out of the
movie theater, we stopped at a coffee shop. Someone said that he could
count serious articles that appeard on CoN on one hand. I looked at
his hand and he had four fingers up. "I have cramps" he explained
"I can't bring those four fingers down".
Well, it's true. CoN just simply isn't. It's something which people
might look at you weird and for politeness they say "oh, isn't that
nice.." but hey, what am I supposed to do? You think it's easy to
think of something new each week? I honestly was hoping for something
exciting this week, that me and the other guy at work found ourselves
wishing that someone would rob the store on sunday. Somehow without
getting killed, and doing some of the heroic manoeuvres mentioned
in my past no frills story, the robber would have been neutralized.
We would've been on the papers mentioned as heroes that saved the
life of the cashier taken hostage, and when they asked us questions
we would definately not answer with that geeky "oh, I just did what
everyone else would've done".. bullshit. I was sick and tired of
putting up the cheese and convincing people that I did not work here
that when the chance came to show that I am not just another ordinary
grocery clerk. This is instead what happened:
Customer runs out of the store with a basket full of stuff. Me and
the biggest guy I could find in the produce department chase after
him. We catch him, and since I had no idea what to say to him I ask:
"uh..scusme sir, do you have a receipt for that?"
The very big, very strong looking guy gives me a look of death and simply
answers: "no".
"ehmmm...." I say scratching my head. Usually I'm fed a dozen weird excuses.
"Do you want this back?" he went on, pointing at the basket.
"Uh, sure" I said "thanks".
The very big, very strong looking guy began walking away from us.
"Ahem, sir, you'll have to come with us" I dared.
"No I don't" and he kept going.
"Uh.."
The rest of the day was an exciting retelling of how we caught
the guy but decided, in our enourmous generosity, to let him go with just a
slap on his hand and a warning. The other guys patting us on the back, the
cashiers looking at us with dreamy eyes.
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3. Ten "The Empire Strikes Back" Scenes That Could
Have Gone Differently
by Marco Tabini [marcot@ifront.com] & Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro
[leandro@ifront.com]
Star Wars is a cool story, but sometimes it makes you wonder
about what is going on, really. I had this strange feeling especially
when Darth Vader says to the Emperor "My son is here. I have felt him."
I mean, come'on, Luke is but a kid, don't go around saying that you
are feeling him. All the officers would start talking behind Vader's
back going "don't stand too close to him, or he's gonna feel you...".
1. What's with Vader's gadgets on his stomach? Blinking lights of
different colors.. did you ever wonder what they were for?
[VADER] Admiral, [breathing] set a course for the Koth
System [breathing]
[ADMIRAL] Yes, Lord Vader.
[VADER] And, Admiral, [breathing] stop playing Master Mind on my
Life Support System! [breathing]
[ADMIRAL] Sorry, Milord
[Clicks a couple of buttons on Vader's chest apparatus]
2. Darth Vader talks to the Emperor
[ADMIRAL] Milord, the Emperor is asking to talk to you, now.
[VADER] [breathing] Admiral, move the ship out of the asteroid field, so
that we can provide a clear signal. [breathing]
[VADER in the comm chamber, moves to the comm area and bends on his knee]
[VADER] What is thy bidding, [breathing] my master?
[SYNTH VOICE] Thank you for calling the Emperor; I am sorry, but I cannot
take your holographic image right now, so please leave a message and I'll get back
to you as soon as possible. Your holographic image is important to us.
3. Darth Vader kills the second admiral. The poor bastard hadn't
really failed Vader, but I bet he killed him just to teach a lesson
to the other officers who were making bets on when was the last time
Vader got laid.
[VADER] [breathing] You have failed me for the last time. [breathing]
[The admiral chokes, falls to the ground and dies]
[VADER] [breathing] [breathing] Next, please!
4. Vader nominates the third admiral
[VADER] [breathing] Don't fail me again, [breathing] Admiral.
[The officers turns, looks around]
[ADMIRAL] Shit!
5. The Dark Side's Nest
[YODA] That place is strong with the dark side of Force. [Pause]
You must go, Luke.
[LUKE turns around]
[LUKE] Are you nuts? Why don't *you* go in there, Kermit?
6. The Millenium Falcon disappears. The Admiral must've been shitting
his pants just about now.
[Silence, everybody looks around. The Admiral sweats. VADER looks out
of the window, then turns, then looks out again]
[VADER] [breathing] [breathing] [breathing] FUCK! [breathing] [breathing]
[breathing]
[VADER goes out of the set]
7. Vader vs. Skywalker
[VADER] The force is strong with, young Skywalker, [breathing] but you are
not a Jedi yet. [breathing]
[LUKE stops.]
[LUKE] Oh yeah? And what about you, you big Meccano? Dressed all in black
with a long dark cape.. uhhhh, I'm so scared!! Look at me, I'm
scared!
[VADER] Stop it Luke. [breathing] Stop pretending you are scared of me.
[LUKE] Oh no!! Dark Vader is so big and strong. Help me! He's coming
to get me!! Uhhhh..!
8. Solo's Frozen Balls
[Princess Leia kisses Luke to show Han she doesn't care about him]
[HAN] [To Luke]: Take it easy
[What went through his mind:
<<Oh, ya fucken' little bastard....>>]
9. R2 dee two?
[R2D2] [Whistle] [Beep] [Whistle] [Double Beep] [Intense Whistle]
[Luke, Han, Chew Bacca and C3PO, all together]
[LUKE] Yes, R2, I think you're right, we should attack from the
left flank.
[HAN] LEIA IS WHAT?
[CHEW BACCA] UHN! BAAAAAAARK! GLOOOOOOB! [Spitting all over the place]
GNUAAAAAA!
[C3PO] You slept with the garbage can???? [Pause] What's it like?
10. The Big Finale
[LUKE's got a new hand. Everybody's happy and looks out of the window.
Suddenly, a bad servomechanism noise starts going. Luke looks
embarassed and tries to hide his right hand.]
[LEIA] Luke, are you all right?
[LUKE] Damn! My middle finger's jammed again! Shit! HEY, YOU BINHEAD OF
A ROBOT, COME HERE, YOU BASTARD!
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4. Temperature of Hell
by Betty Kwan <b3kwan@acs.ryerson.ca>
To all you amateur physicists:
One of my buddies put this in my mailbox.
He didn't find it funny, but I was rolling
on the floor with laughter. I'm sure my
sense of humour isn't unique to me. Enjoy.
---------- Forwarded message ----------
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his
graduate students. It had one question:
"Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
or some variant. One student, however wrote the following:
First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass.
If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what
rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving?
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will
not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that
exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you
are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since, there
are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more
than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to
hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law
states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay
the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay
constant.
So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase
until all hell breaks loose.
Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell
freezes over.
---
It was not revealed what grade the student got.
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5. I give up !!!! Microsoft all is forgiven
From: "Stephanie Foster" <Stephanie@cyberzone.demon.co.uk>
Subject: I give up !!!! Microsoft all is forgiven
Date sent: Mon, 17 Mar 1997 23:11:47 GMT
To: unlisted-recipients:; (no To-header on input)
Despite all the man pages and pppd chat and uncle tom cobley and
Despite everyone giving me script etc etc my
linux system staunchly refuses to talk to the internet
say what you like about Microsoft but IT WORKS !
Linux just went in the bin !!!!!!!!!!!!!
S.F.
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