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Capital of Nasty Vol. 01 Issue 01
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Issue I, Volume I, Year MCMXCVI AD
Monday, June 17th, 1996
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Welcome:
Yeah, well, this is probably pretty lame, but I thought
that it would be cool to have one of those weird E-Zines
(electronic magazines). Okay, so this first issue isn't that
great. But at least I tried, huh?
Well, I hope you'll let me know what you think, if you think
it should even keep going, if think you are going to gimme a hand =)
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"The bitch is back!". And this ain't no Elton John's song.
(or "What happens when you meet up with an old flame".)
Chapter 1: The bitch is back!
In the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy there is a part
were it talks about the history of propulsion, and it mentions
this race, that had found a way to travel faster then the speed
of light. Their ships were powered with bad news, and
since bad news travel faster then light, they managed to
get everywhere in no time. The only problem was that
their arrival was not welcomed, because of the bad news,
so what was the point of going there anyway? What
I'm trying to say, is that it's surprising how fast bad news
travel, and the people that hear them. Well, anyway, I had a
few problems back a few weeks ago, and somehow, an
old flame of mine found out and called.
Chapter 2: "If I had a rocket launcher.. a daughter-of-a-bitch would die".
RING
"Hello?"
"..hi.."
"Hi..."(who the hell is this?)
"Do you know who this is?"
"No. But I guess I soon will."
"It's Jumi.."
"!!!?!"
Chapter 3: Jumi 1O1: an introduction course.
Three years ago we met, over at this friend's party. She seemed
okay, ironically a beautiful girl and with the same passion I had for
computers. We got along right away as friends, and then the friendship
developed into something deeper. Everything seemed okay, until
two years ago, I began asking perhaps too many questions "Why are you
so blue? When do I get to meet your parents? I don't know anything
about you, why are you so scared of talking?" and our relationship
began to breakdown. Then I got sick, and as a farewell I got "well, you're
going to die anyway, so what difference does it make if I'm with you?".
And she was gone.
Chapter 4: Yes, Satan? Oh sorry, I must' ve confused you for
someone else.
She invites me for dinner the next thursday. I accept..
I think, why not, hey, free food. We meet. She isn't the same
quite beautiful girl I remembered, in fact she has the mass
of a pocket battle ship (the question remains: how many BTUs
does she produce?), and her hair.. I mean,.. it's gone! Shaved? Why?
Oh, lower maintenance.. sure. I understand. Just smile and nod. Oh
yes, lovely day. Smiling. Nodding. Oh yes, the food is great, thank
you. Smiling. Nodding. Oh, no, I'm not seeing anyone else at the
moment, as a matter of fact, I just got out of a relationship not too
long ago (I was too nice). Cough cough!! What? You are sorry for
being a bitch two years ago? Well, that's okay, we all have our ups and
downs. Oh, I was right at what I said to you? (of course I was right
you fucken' bitch!). You changed since then? I'm glad you did. Well..
*COUGH COUGH*.. what? Getting back together? Who? Oh, you
mean you and I? Us? Why? It ended two years ago, it's dead and gone.
No, I'm sorry, I don't think so. Hey, relax jack. Fuck me? Take easy!
Oh yeah go fuck yourself as well.
I got up and left her to pay the bill.
Bitch.
Chapter 5: Beware: a man will remember you when he needs you.
RING.
"Hmm..'llo?.."
"Hi Leandro.."
"..hi? Who's this?"
"It's me, Greg. Remember me? How are you?"
"Greg? Oh, Greg. Yeah, it has been two years.
So, I heard from Jumi, what's the matter, not fucking her anymore?"
"Don't start. We broke up quite a while ago. She did to me what
she did to you."
"Sorry Greg, I don't happen to be president of any
'Jumi-broke-me-heart Club' just yet.."
It was a late night, another unexpected phone call.
He had heard I talked to Jumi, and was curious to
know what she had to say about him. I told him, and
obviously, he wasn't too amused. He was the guy she
had gone out with after I was 'dumped'. Now the guy
felt we had something in common, because of her
breaking his heart as well, and that we should 've allied
against her. When she was his, he didn't seem so
disturbed at my suffering. I told him to fuck off.
Chapter 6: So maybe "The Lion King" isn't so bad.
Remember the part were the monkey wacks Simba in the
head with the stick? "What did you do that for?" asks a rather shocked
lion. "What does it matter?" shrieks the monkey on acid "it's in
the past..". She was then, and she isn't anything now.
I live now and I live in the future, the past is a book from which
we try to gain something and learn something from it.
Today's lessons were:
1) You might 've forgotten their phone numbers: they still have yours.
2) Old flames should be kept as far away as you can: they try to sting.
3) Be polite: it works wonders if you are trying to piss someone off.
4) People don't necessarily change mentality even if they gained
200 extra pounds and shaved their hair off.
