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Capital of Nasty Vol. 02 Issue 23
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume II, Issue 23, Year AD MCMXCVII
Monday, June 9th, 1997
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"I think all ISPs suck. It's just that some suck less than others. And
everything sucks less than ACC."
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For those that care to know, everyone who had a Tomagotchi at
no frills was upset last Thursday, because either the darned thing had
flown away (from lack of attention) or died (apparently from not feeding
it). I am surprised that they don't have a version for PC yet, or
Office productivity would've dropped already to zero. (They did have at
one time a program called Dogz -- see CoN Issue 2, Volume I, article 2 --
which was a virtual pet for your Windows desktop).
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1. Readers' Letters
A. Who's Father Ross "Padre" Legere?
B. Jurassic Park and the plot
2. REVIEWS: Can't stop the music.
3. Life through the eyes of IMPROV
4. 30 PC GAMES WITH GOATS IN THEM
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This week's Golden Testicle Web Award goes to:
Strange Foreign Objects in Dog Feces
http://www.concentric.net/~slaroche/POOP.HTM
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1. Readers' Letters
A. Who's Father Ross "Padre" Legere?
Date sent: Fri, 30 May 1997 18:46:58 EDT
From: "Hijal, Sirine" <BPVM@MUSICB.MCGILL.CA>
To: <con@CAPNASTY.ORG>
Subject: Re: Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine II.21
Hi leandro,
How's it going young man?? Good job on CoN, its lots of fun, and I love
all the controversial discussions that go on there ;)
So, I have a question (my five minutes of spotlight maybe?): WHO is
Father Ross "Padre" Legere? I'm very curious..
I'm just wondering, who is Father Ross "Padre" Legere?..
--[ Editor's Response ]---
Hello Sirine =)
Thank you for your compliments regarding CoN. It shocks me at
times to receive letters. This means people *actually* read CoN? GASP!
Father Ross "Padre" Legere was the priest from our High School.
Originally CoN existed back in 93/94 as Volume 0, and had only 2
official, unreleased to the public, issues. Most of the staff of CoN
is people that went to the same High School and served time together.
Fortunately, although our "work" and our "cause" were highly criticized
(especially my so called "controversial" drawings of cows from outta
space invading earth) I found myself with the majority of the teachers
against me. Father Legere (we called him Padre) was the only man that
came in my defence, protecting me and appreciating my methods of
expression. An expression which he called art. If it had not been for
him, I would've been probably kicked out of the school (nice try Ms.
O'Brien, you still have a fat ass).
In September of 1996, Father Legere died. This death was very
upsetting to me, ironically more so than anyone that died in my family.
So here is CoN, just a way to share memories about our past that will
never die. Father Legere lives in our hearts.
An article on Father Legere's funeral, titled "Easy Hard" was
published on Volume I, Issue XIII, Year MCMXCVI AD (September 16th, 1996).
Leandro+
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
B. Jurassic Park and the plot
From: "Hammed Malik" <hammedm@ifront.com>
To: "CoN Editorial" <con@capnasty.org>
Subject: Re: Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine II.22
Date sent: Tue, 3 Jun 1997 10:08:58 -0400
: THE LOST WORLD: JURASSIC PARK
: by Robert Willette (IMPROV) <rrtw27@aol.com>
:
: I watch the movie with an open
: mind...hoping for some shread of a plot...
There's the problem! You don't go to see Jurassic Park/Lost World for the
plot. You go for the effects and accountant-eating dinos. This is
similar to watching Schindler's list expecting an action movie.
: or something to keep me
: awake...needless to say I could have been fast asleep by the third
: scene of the movie. OOOHHHH the T-rex is after Jeff Goldbloom
: AGAIN....Big deal...EAT HIM AND PUT US OUT OF OUR MISERY!!!
I agree to the part about Jeff Goldbloom. I find him annoying and would
have loved to see a raptor tearing him apart. To be fair, the dinos did
eat a lot more people this time (it is a sequel afterall). Did you notice
that the dinos seemed to prefer bald/balding guys? I guess they're trying
to avoid furballs.
: As for Spielburg...with the exception of Schindler's List I guess
: it's been all downhill scince E.T.!! Why not get a real director
: like John Woo or Sam Raimi to direct a multi-million dollar budget
: movie? Oh well I guess that's wht I'm not a producer.
It's hard to take your criticism of the movie seriously if you don't
consider Spielburg to be a 'real' producer.
--[ IMPROV's response ]--
First of all...I never once said that Spielburg wasn't a real producer,
what I said was that Spielburg is not a great director. That's the
problem, he is a producer.
As for the idea that I went into this movie with the wrong attitude,
that's where I believe you're wrong. There have been many action/special
effects movies with half decent plot lines. The Star Wars Trilogy comes
to mind right off the bat...and more recently The Rock.
I must agree with your observation that the carnivours were attracted to
bald men. The first thing I said as soon as the short/unattractive/bald
scientist was "DINNER!"
Thanks for the rebuttal, though, it's nice to know that it was actually
read...there'll be more (probably one for every so-called summer
blockbuster)
IMPROV <RRTW27@aol.com>
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2. REVIEW: Can't stop the music.
by Jason MacIsaac (jason@ifront.com)
I had only known this movie by reputation. I had read about it in no
less than three books that had "Bad" or "Worst" in their titles. That's
three separate accounts describing how bad this movie is, and yet they
still didn't capture the incredible awfulness that started not seconds
after we inserted the video tape. I'm afraid this account won't capture
the putrid depths of this movie; the only way you can truly understand is
to see it. And in order to do that, let me warn you: You have to be
made of some pretty hard stuff.
Okay, what's it about? Here's the basic plot. A music composer,
Jacques Morelli (Steve Guttenberg), quits his record job because he's
been offered a chance to DJ at an exclusive club. After playing some of
his music to an apparently appreciative audience, it somehow transpires
that if he can assemble a good group to sing his music, he will become an
instant success in the music business. Nothing actually supports this
claim (least of all the music), except for some dialogue. His room-mate,
a retired model (Valerie Perrine), has lots of connections in the
entertainment industry, so she helps him put together a group called....
The Village People.
If you've never seen the Village People, who were a real group
who managed to have a few hits, here's the deal. They were a gay singing
group who dressed in outlandish costumes, each one of some kind of macho
male figure, which is probably like some kind of ironic commentary on
gender roles which I'm too stupid to get, I'm like, so sure. One's a
construction worker, another's a cowboy, another looks like a biker.
The first one we meet, Philippe, dresses like an Indian even before the
band is formed. He also has this extremely annoying Indian call which
has been obviously dubbed on to the track.
But what's so bad about this movie? Well, everything. Every
scene stumbles along with each and every cast member hyper and
over-acting, like everyone snorted a heapin' helpin' of Prime Peruvian
Sugar before each scene. Whether they're discussing that fact that
they've got a chance at a music deal or the crisis of identity in the
latter half of the twentieth century, they're all shouting, squealing and
giggling. There's not one person you don't want to smack, although you
might be afraid too, because they probably have cocaine oozing through
the pores of their skin and you might get an overdose just through casual
contact. Of course, the horrible acting shouldn't be a surprise. The
biggest acting name is Valerie's, and that's only because she was Lex
Luther's bimbo, a role that could have gone to about a billion young
starlets with heaving bosoms. The biggest names in the movie aren't even
actors! First, there is the Village People, who can't act (their ability
to sing is debatable, though this movie kinda fuels the "No" camp). The
next big name is an athlete. American athlete Bruce Jenner plays
Valerie's conservative lawyer boyfriend. He looks like he doesn't know
how he got on the set of this movie, like he wandered into the shot by
accident. People wandering in off the street may actually account for
many of the casting decisions.
Another cast member may or may not be Tim Curry. That is she/he
looks like Curry, but everyone seems to treat her as a woman. She lusts
after anything that moves, and carries on like she's Doctor Frank N.
Furter from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. The rest of the movie isn't
like The Rocky Horror Picture Show. It's attempts at humor do not work.
They look like there will lifted out of the script of another bad movie.
In fact, not one movie could be so bad. Obviously, a pile of six or
seven bad scripts were accidentally intercepted on the way to the
recycyling bin, but all of the pages were mixed up.
Special mention must go to the songs. You know you're in trouble
when the best song is YMCA. The fact that it's disco is besides the
point. Like disco or hate it, there a few songs that endure and at least
were technically well-produced. Stayin' Alive comes to mind. But the
music in this movie isn't good enough for tenth rate disco. It was
probably written by a four-year old who was copying off a chimp. Each
song consists mainly of its title being repeated about 450-500 times.
Songs like "I Love You To Death" and "Can't Stop the Music" last for what
seems like half an hour, with the same message repeated over and over.
And badly choreographed, too.
This movie is so bad that it actually hurts. Leandro and I
weighed ourselves immediately before and after the movie, and discovered
we had lost five pounds watching it. I don't know if it's like an
endurance test or something, or that the movie sucks so bad that it
starts to liposuction cellulite off your body. I think that the most
ironic thing about this movie is that Jacques Morelli (Guttenberg's
character) is a real person, and helped write some of the movie, and
presumably, its songs. So this must be some kind of biography. In which
case it needs a new title, such as "My Life as a Useless Hyper Dork,"
judging by Guttenberg's performance, or "The Early Eighties as Seen
Through Cocaine and Extacy-coloured Glasses" judging by the events of the
movie, or even "The Idiots I Hung Out With and Convinced Me to Make This
Movie Now I'm Poor." Can't Stop the Music just doesn't cut it. Here
are some more suggestions for a better title:
Ten Proposed Names for Can't Stop the Music
1) Can't Stand the Music
2) Career Suicide For All Involved
3) I Don't Think This is Music
4) This Movie Blows
5) Can't Stop the MuSICK
6) I Can't Believe We Paid Four Bucks To See This Shitte
7) Please Stop the Music
8) For Christ's Sake, Stop the Music
9) I'll Do Anything, Just Please, Stop the Music
10) TURN IT OFF, TURN IT OFF, IN THE NAME OF GOD TURN IT OFF
I will end this review with a fact I think is reasonably
enlightening. Apparently the Village People appear at the end of Up
Periscope, the submarine spoof movie with Kelsey Grammar (who's been up
on cocaine charges in the past. Coincidence? I think not). They sing
their old hit "In the Navy." Which goes to prove that:
a) their act hasn't changed;
b) a comeback is somewhat unlikely;
c) their taste in movies has improved about the width of a gnat's
testicle hair.
Okay, some people really like bad movies and make a point in renting
them. This is bad all right. But not bad in a way you'd like. You have
been warned.
REVIEW: Can't stop the music
by Leandro <leandro@capnasty.org>
I am not sure why we wanted to see this movie. I think it all
relates back from me having to review "Bruce Jenner's Decathlon", an
amazing piece of computer programming that did practically nothing.
From that day, each curse or problem that we have at the office, is
automatically blamed to Bruce Jenner (nicknamed Brucie) and his inability
to act. Inability which is greatly shown in the movie "Can't stop the
music".
You know a movie is bad when the clerk at the video-store looks
at you funny and asks you if you are sure that you want *this* video. He
is hinting at the fact at you can rent another movie, instead of wasting
your money over this. Although I wanted to pat him in the back and thank
the lad, Jason and I knew that this was something we had to do. Strong
man may lift weights, courageous man may climb mountains, but brave man
like ourselves watch "Cant stop the music". We rented the movie
and proceeded to walk back home, feeling much like you feel as a
roller-coaster is climbing up, ready to fall down at a screaming speed.
Jason looked at me, a look similar to someone who is about to face a
firing squad, and said "I bet that if they keep records of the people
that rented movies, we'd be the only ones under this one". By now the
clerk was probably contemplating if calling 911, in the hope that there
would be something left of us.
There is a cult for B movies. Movies which have low budgets, but
are still capable of making you laugh (even if that was not their
intention). A good example is "Evil Dead", which eventually developed
into my favorite of all time "Army of Darkness". Then come movies like
"Can't stop the music" where they try to amaze you with special effects
(blue lightning, and other strange effects which can be blamed on pot or
cocaine) and little bits of humor. Humor, which left me and Jason
staring at each other, in a desperate attempt at understanding. I wont
go into detail about what the movie is about (I'm sure you got most of
the idea from Jason's review). Just to make it quick, this young punk
that sounds as if he has forgotten to develop his testicles in puberty
(Steve Guttenberg) believes that just because he is a DJ at this shitty
disco place, his music is great and people will love it. Truth is, that
since he quits his job as a clerk at a music store (what a rebel!) in
order to be that DJ, he has to find a way to make a living. His roommate
(Valerie Perrine), apparently some sexy model that had just retired,
decides to help him out, by calling a bunch of freaks that dress weird
(yeah, I'm talking about the Village People) and with the help of some
top-brass dude from the Music Industry (sleeping around has its
advantages) they manage to play their shyte.. I mean, music. Ive been
told that this movie is (apparently) a musical.
Described like this, the movie doesn't seem that bad. In fact,
with a little change, a few scenes with action, perhaps a love story,
this would've been good. Instead, already by the time the initial titles
where scrolling up the screen, Jason and I started screaming while Steve
Guttenberg was skating across New York.
Out of nowhere stumbles Bruce Jenner. He doesnt come on the set with a
sense of purpose or anything. Suddenly hes there, Perrine loses a
contact lens, he gets pissed off. Confused? So were we. Bruce Jenner
plays the part of a conformist gay-basher lawyer who falls in love with
Perrine and acts like a complete baby (you really want to give the guy
a severe beating). His acting abilities are as good as his baby-blue
suits. Had he sticked to sports, he would've had more respect. In case
you didn't know (I didn't), Bruce Jenner was an American athlete that
won in Montreal in 1976.
The humor in the movie left Jason and I shocked. It wasn't
funny. You could see that the actors did try, but whatever was that
they did, it wasnt funny. A woman, who was in charge of a modeling
agency where they used Perrine for commercials, gets her finger stuck
in the rotary dial of a phone booth. This scene goes on for way too
long, and you find yourself grinding your teeth in horror hoping that
something else is going to happen.
Bruce Jenner is robbed by an old lady. He could've easily
smacked her out of the way (in the way of incoming traffic would've been
nice). No, he sits there, and whines like a baby while grandma takes
his wallet and watch. Nobody in the room was laughing at this scene
either... those that survived, that is.
This woman that looked incredibly similar to Tim Curry, was some
sex-starved maniac that chased anything that moved. After giving up on
the Village People (theyre gay, remember?), she smokes a joint with
Steve Guttenberg. Suddenly that semi-stud of a Bruce Jenner appears
(you even get to see his naked chest when he wakes up in the morning
after having made love in an orange bed with Valerie Perrine) and she
goes after him. Only at the end of the movie she seems calm. Maybe
they gave her a shot of morphine instead of cocaine.
Some parts of the dialogue made no sense what-so-ever. It seemed
as if the movie was made from a combination of other bad, unsuccessful
movies and put together in no particular order. Jason and I would look
at each other hoping that perhaps the other understood what or how that
piece of dialogue fitted into what was happening. We were both lost.
Yes, we could've rewinded, but why? This is the kind of movie that can
be watched only once, and that's already too much.
What tops it all, is the music. The Village People can't act.
No problem, they are singers, so you might think that their songs will
be good. This movie goes to show you that they suck even at singing.
I'm not putting them down because it's disco or because they are gay.
I've heard some mighty fine disco, but this stuff was simply atrocious.
Of all the songs I had to endure, the only one I didnt twich at was the
"YMCA". I don't think I could explain the feeling of pain, as we held
our ears and screamed "no more!! please no more!" as good as Jason
explained. It just seems that there are no words in the English
dictionary to correctly explain how bad this movie is.
I insist that everyone goes to their video store and rents out
"Can't stop the music". If you'll survive you'll be able to look at
the world with a completely new perspective. Things that once sucked,
will suddenly sparkle with a new gloss of appreciation. Jason suggested
putting in our resume` that we watched the movie and survived (with
minimal trauma). We'll be able to get any job.
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3. Life through the eyes of IMPROV
by Robert Willette (aka IMPROV <RRTW27@aol.com>)
Why is it that when one is not single they have tons of others (usually
of the opposite sex) approaching them? That is, in a sexual or "more
than just friends type of manner")? Once one reaches the official
standard of single all offers seem to disappear. If they dont one should
consider him(or her)self quite lucky. I have been one of the lucky
ones...not two months ago my now ex girlfriend dropped the bomb on me...
claiming the classic, yet trite line "it's me... not you line" as to the
reason for our break up. All that aside there is a point to this
story...about three weeks after she broke my heart and tore my world
apart we were talking as "friends". At this time she told me that she was
depressed without me. In a sad kinda vindictive way I found that
rewarding...does that make me a bad person...I don't think so...To all of
you Capital Of Nasty Mag readers...be prepared for life through the
eyes of IMPROV.......it may not be nice...but its always informed!!!!!!
Stupid Terms/Phrases
(This will be the first in a series of small, but significant
observations about phrases/terms that many of us use on a daily basis)
Todays subject: SHITLOAD (a.k.a. SHIT LOAD, SHIT-LOAD)
Why is it that we as humans must generalize everything? Why is it that
we are so obsessed with time that we replace an actuallity with a vague
generalization? For instance: "I have a SHITLOAD of change here"
(special thanks to the patrons of Mirage Bingo Toronto for that one).
(Ironically Mirage Bingo is accross from "no frills" - Editor)
Why not say "I have a large amount of change", even "A lot of change"
would suffice. I was just wondering...is a SHITLOAD a metric or imperial
measure?...Can it be used for distances as well as weight? For instance:
Q: "How much further till we get there?"
A: "A SHITLOAD!"
Dont get me wrong...its not a swearing thing, I mean I swear just as
much as the next fucking idiot...if anything its an ignorance thing.
No one including myself, knows the limitations of a SHITLOAD. I mean who
knows tomorrow you might wake up to a SHITLOAD of locusts eating your
front lawn...and then thats it: Armegeddon!! Or you might find a wallet
with a SHITLOAD of money in it.
Basically what Im saying here is lets put some sort of boundries on this
load of shit were dealing with...or we could be in a SHITLOAD of
trouble.
IMPROV , { ¢ Ü M * , qq
àÀ!
,
, Times New Roman Ð h
à= Ð/ Ð 8 à= Ð/ Ð 8 d
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4. 30 PC GAMES WITH GOATS IN THEM
by Jason MacIsaac (jason@ifront.com)
1) Duke Goatem 3D
2) Goats of Might and Magic II
3) Goatcraft 2: Tides of Darkness
4) X-Wing vs. Goat
5) Sam and Max Hit the Goat
6) Gabriel Knight 2: The Goat Within
7) Leisure Suit Larry 7: Goats for Sale
8) Goat Soccer '97
9) Goatageddon
10) Darkgoat Conflict
11) Phantasmagoria 2: A Puzzle of Goats
12) Jagged Allianced: Deadly Goats
13) The 7th Goat
14) IndyGoat Racing II
15) Goatwarrior II: Mercenaries
16) Goat Raider
17) Intergoat '76
18) Monster Goat Madness
19) Goat Throttle
20) Demolition Goat II
21) Goatbender
22) Goat Control III
23) Goat Quest III: To Heir is Goatish
24) Sid Meier's Goatalization II
25) Goat Nemesis
26) A-10 Goat Killer
27) Command and Conquer: Goat Alert
28) Goatneck Rampage
29) Goatfleet Academy
30) Pong With Bouncing Goats
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