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Capital of Nasty Vol. 02 Issue 20
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume II, Issue 20, Year AD MCMXCVII
Monday, May 19th, 1997
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He asked me if I knew what time it was.
I said, "Yes, but not right now."
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"..so I told her 'I was going to see a fashion show at my school'
'But I want you to come over' she insisted 'I promised I would go'
I told her again, 'Okay fine' she said 'bye' and she hung up. Now
at that point you know that there is nothing 'fine' about it. I called
her up again and tell her I am coming over. 'You don't have to' she
says, but you know that the 'you don't have to' means 'you better
come over'"
- Ack
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1. Readers' Letters
A. Uncesored Edition
2. Movie Night in Canada
A. The 5th Element (The Positive Review)
B. The 5th Element (The Negative Review)
3. My (Portable) Pet Monster
4. Scary things found on the paper
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This week's Golden Testicle Web Award goes to:
Goatboy and the Music Machines
http://www.nr.infi.net/~rriddle/goat.htm
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1. Readers' Letters
From: Steve Fry <steve@zoo.co.jp>
To: "'leandro@ifront.com'" <leandro@ifront.com>
Subject: RE: Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine II.19 Censored Edition
Date sent: Thu, 15 May 1997 17:05:51 +0900
> Hey Leandro,
>
> What's up??? Why the censored version???
>
> Right now I'm in Japan doing a bit of work for the company that I used
> to work for here. If you take a look at the Japanese version of
> Gamesmania it hasn't changed in a while. Unfortunately I'm really busy
> right now but hopefully soon when I have some free time I'll start
> doing some updates.
> I'd like to keep it going if just as a hobby for myself.
>
> So do I get the uncensored version of Capnasty???
>
> Steve
Hiya Steve.
As you read from the disclaimer, the censored edition was for the
people that work at IFront, Gamesmania and/or Microforum. It was
just to avoid whatever trouble I have apparently caused to grow
any bigger. Good luck with the Japanese side of Gamesmania.
Leandro+
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2. Movie Night in Canada
A. The 5th Element (The Positive Review)
from Sandra M. Pereira <sandrap@ifront.com>
The Entertain Element
I was quite apprehensive about watching the Fifth Element at first.
Anything with Bruce Willis in it was bound to be a cynically foul
action-packed movie as is evident in all his other movies and it was
another space story. After you've seen one, you've pretty much seen it
all. Boy was I wrong! After the first Bruce Willis scene, I was
surprised to learn I was not turned off by the movie yet or by the
first scene with the 'Protectors' of the Fifth Element. So I thought
"hey, this might not be so bad after all" so I sat back and watched
the rest of the movie with fascination, awe, surprise, laughter,
amazement and amusement. I was genuinely entertained.
Audio/Video: THX always makes a movie better and this was no
exception. Sound quality was high and the music was great. It was
original (if you remember what that is) space saga music that made the
movie. It enhanced the quality of the movie by tenfold. The animation
and special effects were good, better than I've seen in a long time. I
was most impressed by the city and the entire scene where Bruce Willis
drives his taxi through traffic unparalled by any traffic jam we've
had here (and that's saying something). If I hadn't known any better,
I'd swear I was there driving through the city with Bruce as my
driver. Standard bomb explosions follow, tastefully done, the
ever-popular gun fight ensues, ships blow up and so forth. Once you
factor in the huge explosion of the 'evil' at the end and the
'vacation cruise' blowing up with Bruce trying to steer his ship
through a massive flame ball, you'll have seen some pretty phenomenal
explosions and animations. Some may have been a tad overdone (what a
surprise in a business where the biggest boom equals the biggest box
office hit) but, overall, the well-crafted and directed effects are
worth the effort to stand in line. Get passed the obligatory fight
scenes and frequent tiny explosions, you'll see one scene where 'Gary
Oldman' basically cooks, blows up, guns down and freezes a 'police'
dummy doll with one super-hpyed up gun. That alone is worth the hype.
Storyline/Plot: Don't go looking for more of a plot than there is.
They're out to save the world. That's it, that's all. If you
understand this, you'll be able to enjoy the movie more.
Acting:
Bruce Willis: Love him or hate him, he's good at this action-packed
blow-em-up good vs evil films. Let's face it. Nobody else can fly off
a balcony shooting two rounds from his maching gun, hit the majority
of the evil guys, land on his face and still come up grinning like he
had the time of his life. It's an art. He's the master.
Milla Jovovich: She was great! She had me convinced she was the
perfect person who spoke the perfect language. I know it was gibberish
coming out of her mouth, but she had me and everyone else in the
audience convinced it was a real language. Her tears were real, her
happiness genuine, and her eagerness to learn refreshing. I
especially enjoyed the scene where she had the chance to 'kick butt' .
That scene was one of the best directed scenes in the movie. It was
so well done, there were cheers and claps when it was over. If
nothing I've said has convinced you yet, then I'll say this scene is
worth sitting through everything else for. It's dramatic and intense
and a little self-indulgent, but I'm betting you'll be clapping by the
end of the scene without hesitation.
Gary Oldman: Evil is as evil does. That texan drawl of his made his
character ever the more evil. He was good, he was bad, he was evil.
He gave a flawless preformance as the obsessively greedy Zorg whose
unequivocal glee turns to downright anger in a twitch of an eye. You
never know what's going to happen when Oldman in on the screen.
The president: I don't know his name and I don't care. He was bad,
bad, bad , bad and bad. It was only until after the movie then I
discover the actor was really a wrestler. Oh dear, what a shock!!! It
shows, trust me it shows.
I don't know his name but The General added quite a nice touch of
subtle comedy that seems to be lacking in a lot of movies of late. I
especially enjoyed the many array of wild-eye expressions that crossed
his face throught the movie.
I can't leave this category without mentioning two other people that
stayed in my mind when the movie was over. The first one was Ruby
Rhod, the dj/host of something or other. I didn't understand half of
what this man said but I'm telling you he said it with flair. He was
crass, rude, loud, obnoxious and what a voice! How high can your voice
go? Rudy can show you. But, after all is said and done, he was funny.
Every scene with Rudy was hilarious and I especially enjoyed the
'airplane takeoff' seduction' scene.
The other person I must mention is the Hungarian (I think) military
woman who was picked to go with Dallas on his 'vacation' as his wife.
The hair!! The hair!! The most hilarious scene in the whole movie was
when she walked in with the ' Princess Leia (Star Wars)' hairdo. What
a tribute that was!
Nice Touches: I particularly enjoyed the morphing aspects of the movie
- when the Mangalores morphed into human beings. Nice touch at the
airport when one of them couldn't hold his face together. Funny!
Especially nice to see the prerequisite chinese food vendor in the
movie. Some things never change it seems. There was no blood, the
explosions were tastefully done (to the point where you didn't see
disembodied limbs flying all over the place), the script was
well-written, and the action and special effects were not done to the
extreme. I took particular glee in noticing that McDonald's was still
in the fast food industry at that time (I used to work for
McDonald's). Nice to see some things never change. The new
technologies were cool. Interesting to see what people think
technology would be like in the year 2200.
Not-so-Nice Touches: The only bad thing I didn't like was the
president!!! An actor would've been nice to see in this role.
Okay, here it is 2214 and they still use matches!!!!! Give me a
break. Beds make themselves, taxis drive automatically thru airborne
traffic and they can't come up with an automatic fire starter !!!!!
Would've been cool if you could light a fire using your finger.
Heehee
Was I the only one that didn't feel threatened by the 'evil ball'? I
didn't think so. Yes, they should have developed the threat some
more, hell they should have had some threat. The evil should have
been developed further - maybe have it blow up the military
ships that were just hovering in space watching it. THAT would
have been good! We want more threat and evil and bad and so on and
so on and so on.
Overall:
I was throughly entertained for two hours. How many movies can you say
do that?
I'll definitely recommend it. :)
Sandra
_ _ _
B. The 5th Element (The Negative Review)
Leandro gives it: two goats and a half.
When I hear the name Luc Besson, I think of movies such as
"La femme Nikita" or "The Professional". Add into this Bruce Willis,
who's name stands side by side with the word ACTION and you think to
yourself "we got something great here!" especially of you turn your
brain off (most of it, and more then usual) and pay your ticket to
see explosions, senseless beatings and shootings, and last we forget
action. Unfortunately it is not so: everyone walks in thinking action
packed and comes out screaming. I wonder if some people confused the
movie teather for a fashion show, while the clothes of Jean-Paul Gaultier
scrolled in front of them.
This movie is mostly built on the hype of the media. I hate
Siskel & Herbert. They gave this movie two tumbs up so everyone follows
what they say like sheep. I could show them crap, and I bet I would still
get two thumbs up. David Sheenan calls it the "Die Hard in the 23rd
Century". Too bad that in "Die Hard" a lot of stuff happens, and Bruce
looks cute without that silly blonde hair. Stephen Schaefer, of the
Boston Herald calls this "The Star Wars' of the 90's!" Wait a minute.
I though ID4 was the Star Wars of the 90's and now you are changing your
mind again? George Lucas in 1976 did better special effects than what
Besson did in the (end of the) 90's!
Apparently this story was an original concept of Luc Besson
when he was 15. Cute story, most probably stolen in parts from the
comics of the belgian writer Herge`. The way the environment looked
pretty futuristic, and a bit depressing (just look at Bruce's apartment).
For those that don't know what the story is about, it's about saving
the world. This ball of flame is coming to earth to destroy life in
the universe, and only by taking the four elements (water, air, earth
and fire) plus a fifth element, can a weapon of life and purity
destroy all evil. The 5th Element, a perfect, pure being is a model,
Mila Jovovich, which plays the part of this almost innocent childish
alien. Apparently she can read as fast as Data, and learn Karate-chop
moves by watching TV. Must be that triple DNA strand of hers...
The humor left me a bit wondering as well. Bruce arrives at
the airport in Heaven (that's what the place is called) and a woman
says "Mr. Willis?"
"No" he answers "Mr. Dallas". Had me on the floor laughing there.
Seriously.
What's with the Star Wars jokes as well? A woman resembling a walking
closet that was supposed to look like Princess Leia, and at the
end, David, the Priest's assistant, while he yells "Yeaah" he's holding
a saber-like light.
The actors were good. Bruce Willis with his usual cool "I don't
care" attitude. I wonder if it's because he was a former military officer
that he can speak English so well and drive a cab. Since when cabbies
speak english?
Mila Jovovich, although I wanted to slap her on the face more than once,
did manage to reach that childish like state, and her yabbering fooled me
into thinking that yeah "perhaps this is an alien broad, cloned from
outta space". Just leaves me wondering how she can read le Anglais.
Ian Holm, the priest had his funny moments, although if he originally
was supposed to save the world, he also was pretty clueless.
Chris Tucker.. what the hell did they do with this guy? Why did he have
to be some sort of freak jumping around Bruce? After a while he
stopped being funny, and that didn't take long.
Luke Perry here shows is great ability of being such an amazing actor.
I can't say anything else or I think I will harm myself.
Not even "The Island of Dr. Mureau" left me twiching in my seat.
At least there, for as crappy the budget was (and the movie itself)
something happened. I wanted to strip naked and run accross the movie
theater. I found myself screaming "I wanna get out! Please stop!".
In the last 40 seconds, which last half an hour, and the ball of flame
is about to hit Earth, Bruce is having a hard time telling the alien
that he loves her. That was dragged on for too long. I heard the
people sitting behind me yelling "Come'on! Kiss her so we can go home!".
Colin claimed that if he took the $8.50 he spent on the ticket,
went to the Greenwood race track,and bet on the horse with the lowest
odds and he lost, the money would've been better invested.
Top 5 things said over and over in "The 5th Element":
5. "I'm saving the world" (just about everyone)
4. "Oh my God! Oh my God!" (Christ Tucker while on acid)
3. "Lilo" (Willis and Mila)
2. "She's perfect." (Everyone else again)
1. "Haziz, light!" (The Nutty Professor with Luke Perry)
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3. My (Portable) Pet Monster
I walked into "no frills" the other day and the head cashier,
Ling, walks up to me and shows me this little keychain. "It's my baby"
she tells me. I must've had a pretty weird look on my face. Instead
of a baby picture, I see an LCD inside a keychain shaped like an egg,
with 3 yellow bottons below it. The small screen is showing a circle
which looked like a face. It had two dots for eyes and a line for
a nose/mouth. The thing starts beeping and she tells me that "baby's
hungry" and she feeds the thing. I smile and nod and walk away from
Ling. I walk away scared, and fast. Ling is 30-something and instead
of working, she was entertaining some piece of plastic with a silicon
soul.
I am walking towards the end door, so I can walk downstairs to
the changing room, and Cindy stops me. She shows me the same thing,
with a big smile. "Oh" I smiled "that's the egg your boyfriend was
talking about..". More beeping, the thing was asking for attention.
I bump into Neetu, and I tell her about the strange creatures
that are spreading around. I thought I had an ally. I was wrong.
"Oooooh!" she whined "I want one of those Tomagotchi!"
"Toma-what?" I ask.
"Tomagotchi! You get this little creature and you feed it, train it,
clean up after it and it's a wonderful pet! I looked everywhere to
get one, but I heard that the last place they sell them is up at
Fairview mall!".
Fairview is a good hour away when there is no traffic. Apparently
this little plastic eggs with the virtual pal inside sold out the
day they arrived to the market. Invasion of the "key-chain" snappers.
Everywhere I look, I see someone with one of them. Friends stop
me to show me, co-workers are sharing tips on how to keep it alive
longer, others are upset for the death of it.
Perhaps they should issue one of this things to every 12 year old
in Canada. By law they have to maintain it alive (Military Police will
do regular check ups on the kids) and care for it. Perhaps this will
prevent couples aged 16-17 to have a baby and tell you "it's just like
having a doll". The problem with dolls, that when you are tired of
playing with it, you can put it away.
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4. Scary things found on the paper
Sometimes I like to look through a paper and find those little
articles written more as space fillers than to actually give any
information. This particular article surprised me. To me it seems
like an important discovery, yet the paper left it in a dark corner of
page 38. I found it while reading "The Toronto Sun" at the Barber.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENRODENT
NEW YORK (AP) - With a single genetic switch, scientist have created
a strain of supermice two to three times more muscular than usual, with
big, broad shoulders and massive hips.
The scientists believe the mice could spur a revolution in the
threatment of muscular dystrophy and similar diseases, and peraps even
transform the livestock industry, where bigger muscles would mean more
meat.
The supermice were made by molecular biologists at the Johns
Hopkins University School of Medicine in Baltimore.
The researches created the mice by deleting a single gene that
appears to limit muscle growth.
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In memory of Father Ross "Padre" Legere.
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine "media you can abuse"
Published every monday (or Tuesday)
Disclaimer: unintentionally offensive.
Comments and Queries welcomed.
http://www.capnasty.org
Brought to you by C.C.C.P. (Collective Communist Computing Proletariat)
Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro Colin Barrett
<leandro@capnasty.org> <tyrannis@capnasty.org>
ZimID 708EC8D1 1994/09/14 EC B0 97 59 1D FE 7C 32 7E 04 2C 66 47 41 FB 7D
