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Capital of Nasty Vol. 03 Issue 06
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume III, Issue 6, AD MCMXCVIII
Monday, March 23rd, 1998
ISSN 1482-0471
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"I take serious offense at the unflattering generalization about
aol users. It reeks of cyber bigotry. We Can' t hate colors or
creeds on the internet, so we now hate domains. Perhaps it is you
who are small minded to believe that out of 10 MILLION users,
there are zero genuine humans (I believe you said not in the same
species) Perhaps though, you are right and I for one am pround not
to be considered in your species".
-- RealityMAG's reply to the comments made on
the eZine discussion list about the 'uniqueness' of AOL users.
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"It's wrong, and we suck. It's really unfortunate."
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1. Editorial
2. Unsubtle Ads
3. A Shorter, Harsher Titanic
4. Just be yourself
5. Your ex-girlfriend: a survival guide.
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This week's Golden Testicle awards:
Sites begging for golden nard:
Obsessed with a rat called Mr. S.
http://ratcomics.hypermart.net
Edsil Tarkingham Hunka Hunka Burnin' Web Site
http://members.tripod.com/~edsil/index.html
Submitted by Anna Sykes
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1. Editorial
Don Fitch wrote to me shortly after the last issue of CoN
> One of you (if I have the attribution right) wrote:
>
>> There is always some freak that has to write back and add their
>> two cents worth on something.
>
> Yup. Maybe we feel a need to prove to you that we're really
> Paying Attention and actually reading the stuff you publish.
My first reaction was to slap myself in the forehead. I slapped myself so hard
in fact that I had a red mark for a couple of hours. But in that moment I
realized something which made me feel terrible. I realized that I was being
nasty and bitter not only at the things that I write about in CoN, but to the
people that read CoN as well. The two people that got the most of my evil nasty
snarling have been Chen Drori and Danielle. These two readers proved to me that
they are just that... readers. They proved with their comments and e-mails that
they read what we write. So, guys, I'm sorry for snarling at you. I'll try to
be a better Editor from now on. I hope you (and everyone else who I have
snarled at undeservingly) can accept my apologies. I appreciate you
appreciating me.
After Don Fitch's e-mail, another e-mail arrived, this one from Bennett Kwan.
He responded in regards of CoN's article "C++ is a waste of time" and informs us
that "it is complete BS."
> There is a similar hoax article that has been circulating for years
> claiming that Kernighan, Ritchie, Thompson et al. originally created
> C and Unix to be a joke operating system and programming language
> as perfect examples of bad design. It further claims that all parties
> involved kept their mouths shut for two decades after being overtaken
> by the success of their prank until they decided to reveal the whole
> "dark" secret to the unsuspecting world during a similar interview at
> a conference with a similarly clueless interviewer. There are also a
> number of inaccuracies in the article which has pretty much lead me to
> conclude that the article is well... complete BS.
You should've seen my face. CoN falling for a hoax article. I was shocked. I
grabbed my bat and went looking for Dynamis, the guy that sent the article in.
Unfortunately he had already hidden away once he knew I was looking for him.
"Damn you!" I yelled while waving my fist in the air. "DAMN YOU!!!".
To make things worse, two reviews for Capital of Nasty arrived. One from
Dominis' eZine Database:
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Don't be fooled by the title - it's not really 'nasty'. it's definitely
NOT the kind of reading filled with pent-up frustrations and anger,
expressed through vulgarity and endless unbearable whining that we get too
much of these days. It's a pleasantly light-hearted and usually humorous
approach to what surrounds us in our modern day life, opinions with which
you may not agree (that's why it's called opinion), reflections upon our
world's past, predictions of the future. it may just open your eyes!
-- eZines Database, 1998-03-10
http://www.dominis.com/Zines
This review made me feel as if CoN was softly and cuddly. Such a cuddly and
soft zine in fact, that once you were done reading it in the john, you could use
it to wipe yourself as well. (If anyone does that for real, I hope they get
some mean paper cuts).
The second review crushed my ego completely:
EMPTY PROMISE
CAPITAL OF NASTY
Capital of Nasty has something special - a good name, but try and try as
it might, it doesn't really live up to it. With pieces on what Dale Winton
would be like if he were a cat, I wonder what Capital of Nasty would be
like if it delivered something. Top ten drug using cartoon characters
anyone? Shaggy, Daffy Duck and one of the fucking Smurfs! Shame really,
because it is well written, but it is the fucking Disney Channel of e-
zines!
Sadly the few bits and pieces that are of any interest are from other
sites. The most annoying thing is that Capital of Nasty could do better,
and perhaps is over-stretched by trying to constantly create - something
which drags down all-too-many text-only e-zines!
Fleshmouth http://www.netmatters.co.uk/users/conway/review.html
For a minute I sat there looking at this thinking... actually no. I wasn't
thinking. I think that in medical terms it would be called a trauma. Yes, I
was in trauma. Can you believe this? First I realized what a prick I was being
to CoN's readers, THEN to find out that I had actually published a fake story
and LASTLY my well grown and trimmed better-than-a-bonsai ego destroyed so
brutally by Fleshmouth. Unable to react, Colin slapped me a few times around.
Have a great one folks.
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2. Unsubtle Ads
by Lilith DemHareIs
I'm an old enough Netizen to remember an Internet without the World Wide
Web. FTP was the mode of file transfer and access, and Usenet Newsgroups
were the place for general information and fun.
Then came the World Wide Web, sweeping all before, and drawing the Common
Man into the realm known as Cyberspace.
I remember when the Internet was the Silicon World. I hate the term
'Cyberspace'. It makes me think of bad live-action Japanese kiddie shows.
Usenet News has fallen to the side compared to the World Wide Web. But I,
being a relative dinosaur (I was online in the 80's), still read Usenet. I
prefer to get my information there.
Despite my home technological advances, I still have only one phone line,
and people still need to give me a call once in a while. I cannot dedicate
it entirely to the ol' home network. (Give me time, and a steady flow of
royalties, and we'll see what happens.) This on-again-off-again connection
means that I do practically all my internet work offline. I read my
newsgroups offline. I read and reply to email offline. I script my HTML
and other programming goodies offline. Then, when I'm online, I upload
everything I've done for the day/week, and download my next batch of stuff.
This does not leave me much time to do online interactive browsing of the
Web. The browsing I can squeeze in consists of structured research of a
specific subject, like pregnancy or recipes for the week. I have little
time for browsing fleeting interests that catch my eye.
Thus arrayed in life, I mourn the deplorable use of the Usenet for unsubtle
advertisements. Nothing disappoints me more than to see a post with a
subject I'm interested in, only to read it to find nothing more than: "If
you're interested in widgets, check out the following web site at
http://www.widgetsRus.com".
It's annoying. That hasn't told me anything. I was looking for
information, and have been sorely disappointed. In all but one case, I
have never looked up a web site advertised thus. Why should I? For all I
know, that site could be absolute crap (or mostly crap).
Two traits that annoy me even more than the ads are the use of all caps in
the title, and the use of the words "hot new site". I doubt any site
labelled thus is "hot," and the information it contains is guaranteed to
not be new.
And don't shout. I may be old, but my eyes are not deaf.
Don't get me wrong. I am not completely against promoting ones WWW site on
Usenet. But I would appreciate a bit more description about the site in
the post to the newsgroup. I'd like to know what sort of info about
widgets is on the page. Pique my interest. Grab my attention. Make me
want to visit the page. Write a little bit about what makes the page so
special. If I feel it would suit my needs, then I'll add the URL to my
list of "sites to surf".
The Internet is a place of information. I would greatly appreciate it if
there was a wee bit more of the stuff.
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A Shorter, Harsher Titanic
by Eric D. Snider <edsnider@cougar.netutah.net>
"Clash of the Titanic"
by Eric D. Snider
Published in The Daily Universe on February 9, 1998
Many of you have seen the film Titanic, which is about a great big boat that sank like a thousand years ago that for some reason everyone is just now getting worked up about. Some of you I am speaking to the women here have seen this movie several times. And I would like to know why. Have the principles of film-making not been adequately explained to you, so you think there's a chance the movie will end differently if you see it again? Do you think this is a Choose Your Own Adventure movie? Because it's not. No matter how many times you see it, the boat is going to sink, and the same people are going to die, including the guy who falls and whacks his noggin on the railing on the way down.
I think this movie is entirely too long. The actual sinking of the Titanic took only four hours; the movie is easily three times that
long. (Note to reader: From the following choices, select the "this-movie-is-too-long" line you like best and go with it.) Savings
bonds have matured in less time than it takes to watch this movie. Many marriages do not last as long as this movie. I had to shave twice during this movie. Three Eastern European nations (Izikikstan, Checher, and Zknkkmnzxxk) were formed while I was watching this movie.
As a public service, then, I am offering my much-shortened screenplay which some ambitious film-maker can feel free to use as the script for a shorter version of Titanic. All I want in return is a lot of money.
(Scene 1)
KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?
KATE'S WEASELLY FIANCE: Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you asked for. It is by an artist named "Picasso." I am certain he will amount to nothing.
KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90's audience, because they know this priceless paintings will sink with the boat.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen the many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are very pretty.
KATE: Thank you. So are you.
LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to put on my "brooding" face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking wet.
KATE: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the boat sinks and people start dying.
WEASELLY FIANCE: Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though you saved my fiancee's life. I am going to sneer at you and treat you like dirt because you're poor, and then I'll probably be physically abusive to my fiancee, and then, just to make sure the audience really hates me, and to make sure my character is entirely one dimensional, perhaps I'll throw an elderly person into the water.
AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least a few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, and plus, you're trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so therefore we hate you! Boo! (Even though technically it is Leonardo who is coming between you and Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than you, even though he is only 13, so we are on his side. Boo!)
(Scene 2)
LEONARDO: I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat on your fiance.
KATE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a commitment to marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot climb into the backseat of a car and steam up the windows together. The fact that I am the heroine of the movie will no doubt help the cattle-like audience forgive me of this, though they would probably be VERY angry indeed if my fiance were to do the same thing to me.
AUDIENCE: Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo!
LEONARDO: I agree. First, I would like to draw you, though, so of course you have to take off your clothes.
KATE:But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at all successful in say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not stand for that sort of thing?
LEONARDO: I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks the film is in release, every single showing at Wynnsong Theater in Provo will sell out.
NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is exactly what happened.
KATE: All right, then. (sound of clothes hitting the floor)
(Scene 3)
FIRST MATE: Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg.
CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (sound of drinking)
ICEBERG: (hits boat)
FIRST MATE: That can't be good.
CAPTAIN: Bottoms up!
AUDIENCE: (silence)
FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools.
AUDIENCE: Baa! Moo! Where's Leonardo?
(Scene 4)
LEONARDO: I have been informed that this boat is sinking
KATE: That is terrible
LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified behavior?
KATE: Certainly.
WEASELLY FIANCE: (aside) I'm getting the raw end of the deal here: (to Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my morally-dubious-yet somehow-less- annoying-than-you personality, I am going to handcuff you to this pipe, here in a room that will soon be filling with water, due to the fact that we are sinking, which I believe has been mentioned previously.
LEONARDO: Why don't you just shoot me?
WEASELLY FIANCE: Because then you wouldn't be able to escape and save Kate from me. Of course, you're going to die anyway-
AUDIENCE: Don't spoil it for us! Boo!
LEONARDO: He's right, though. I am doomed.
AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed.
WEASELLY FIANCE: I hate you people.
(Scene 5)
150-YEAR-OLD-KATE: And that's when Leonardo rescued me from my evil fiance and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it hadn't been for having to rescue him, I could have gotten on an actual lifeboat, and not frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, he's pretty much dead now, and I'm well over a thousand years old, and who's making my supper?
I need a bath. Turn down that Enya music, it's making my ears hurt. You kids today, with your loud music. Why, when I was - hey! Don't you walk away from me, Mr. Snooty-Patootie! I'd turn you over my kneee, if I had one. I'll beat you in the head with this huge diamond! Come back here!
(Fade to black; roll credits; play annoying Celine Dion song.)
URL: http://www.burgoyne.com/pages/edsnider/writings/du26titanic.html
Copyrighted by Eric D. Snider and The Daily Universe
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4. Just be yourself
By Kelly Brown
J U S T B E Y O U R S E L F
Sometimes I wonder...why do we do the things we do?
Is it because we try to cry out for help and no one grasps our theory?
Or is it because the only thing you have left going for you is what you do.
Do you do these things for attention, or do these so called deeds for fear?
Fear that one day that your life will soon be at an end.
Some say they do it to be rebels. Others say they do it for pleasure.
I feel it's a combination of what you are. What you are is everything that you
wish you could be. You always dreamed of being that "popular girl" in high
school. Some even want to be the "nerd". But what I don't understand is why you
would you want to be someone/thing that you're not??
People always say "be yourself", but yet, you don't know who yourself IS.
You feel that who you are is what everybody expects you to be. If people expect
you to always do the right thing, then that's who you will become. If people
expect you to always be wrong, you will end up always letting people down as
well as yourself. But why is it whenever you do the opposite of what everybody
presumed, they act as though you are not yourself. Not yourself!? When actually,
who you are is what you DID.
Doing something bad or good for once in your life, is what you initially wanted
to do. People, in reminder to themselves, must realize that they are indeed
human. Leading a life of one pattern is not sane. You have to boggle your mind
and others by changing the pattern of your life to reinstate that fact.
However...we insist that we must be "accepted". Accepted into what?! In a
society where we base our opinion solely on what others believe? If you think
about all the decisions you have made, there was always one person to influence
your decision. You may think that you made the decision based on your own
believes. Subconsciously however, you know that your decision was based on the
wants and expectations of others. Therefore, when you have finally chosen a
decision for yourself, you feel bad and guilty for being who you are. Why?! Is
it so horrible to choose how to feel and act about your own theories? Don't feel
bad, stupid, or whatever, but feel once in your life, you're just being
yourself!
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5. Your ex-girlfriend: a survival guide.
By Leandro
After I had realized that girls were not disgusting as I always stated when I
was in kindergarten, I began hunting down for a girlfriend. Unfortunately I
wasn't sure what I was looking for, nor was I aware of the dangers involved in a
relationship. I just thought "hey, I'm horny, she looks cute, I want her". Of
course that is morally wrong and just plain bad of thinking of girls like that,
but I was young and immature. I didn't know any better. I still don't know any
better, but that's another story.
After many unsuccessful relationships, I decided to settle down with someone
that could put up with me and not complain about my weird behaviour or my
fascination toward goats. All was well, life was good.
Then one day, for no apparent reason, the ex-girlfriend called.
Now you see, an ex-girlfriend will normally not call you for the simple reason
she hates you. In her eyes you are the scum of the earth. Pure evil. Bad.
And as far as she is concerned, the reason it all ended it was your fault. This
will not only cause the unfortunate effect that she will spew evil about you,
but also fuel the myth of all men being scum. I'm a nice guy. Honest.
On a more positive side, if you are walking down the street with your new
girlfriend, and she sees you, nothing will happen. She knows better than to
make a fool out of herself on in a public place. You will both cross each other
on the sidewalk, and when you are past their ear range, she can talk evilly
about you to her partner.
But this one called back.
You see, she decided one day that I was just not cool enough and told me right
there and then that it was over. Bob over there had a better car, a leather
jacket and he wore those really cool shoes that everyone was raving about.
For a while I sat there picking up the pieces of my heart, feeling miserable and
all. I started listening to really corny music, sighed and sobbed a lot. Then
I thought about it and I said "you know what? This was the best thing that ever
happened". I dropped my heart pieces to the ground and walked away, my brain
trying to convince my emotions it was okay to move on.
The ex-girlfriend called back and began pulling the typical alone-ex-girlfriend
techniques:
1) Usually, after the little trick "do you know who this is?" she will start
talking about how miserable she is now that the guy she dumped you for,
dumped her for another girl. You have been introduced to what I call the
"I've been dumped" technique. This has the effect of making you think "she's
single again! Maybe she'll want me back!" Now this has worked in a few
cases that I have witnessed, but think about it: she left you for a silly
reason and now she wants you back. Last time you checked you are not a spare
tire. I usually point out how shitty that must have felt and that you know
that feeling already (hint hint). By now she is hoping you feel sorry for
her, which is the first step in bringing out those old feelings you had. The
best defense is to start talking of how happily involved you are with your
new girlfriend, of how great she is, and describe with miniscule and painful
detail all the things she does that she never did. The conversation will not
last long, she will never call back.
2) She calls again. I guess she is a little more stubborn then we originally
assumed. You'll notice that this time conversation will be more casual, and
she will be very careful in saying anything that will spark you in talking
about your girlfriend. In fact, she is somewhat smarter this time. Be
careful, she will use the "Past Approach". She will talk about times prior
to your girlfriend of when the two of you were dating and the wonderful
moments you spent together. A good deadly reply that always shuts them up is
"yeah, going out with you was a good, growing experience. Now I know what I
don't want in a woman". A nuclear bomb would've have done less damage.
After that blow you can rest assured she will not call you ever again.
3) Unfortunately she has not been convinced yet and she calls again for another
blow. Her mental attacks will be a little stronger and clearer this time.
She will bring up the letters and poems you have written her and start
reading them to you. At first you'll be surprised she still has them, and
this might cause you to start feeling again just because she didn't throw
anything of you away (even if at the time she said she had).
"Do you remember this poem you wrote me?" she will ask.
Answer with the carefully tested answers. CoN scientists have determined that
this works best with a little pause prior to speaking with a disgusted tone:
"I wrote that shit to you? What was I thinking..."
Guys, don't forget to throw your letters away. Your current girlfriend
doesn't like finding that stuff in your house.
4) She will call you. Tell her you are busy because.. uh... your girlfriend is
over. She will ask you to call her back. Say "sure". Don't forget to
"Forget" to call back.
5) Her final and desperate move will be to invite you out for a coffee or
dinner. At first I thought, it would be wise to decline. If I accept, my
girlfriend will have my head, and my ex might will think that finally I have
come to my senses and I want her back. My girlfriend surprisingly more evil
and diabolical than me told me I should go. Dress nice, look spiffy and
don't forget to shine your shoes. If you got a nice shirt your girlfriend
gave you, make sure you wear it.
Finally you get to see her. Tell her how she has changed, she looks a little
shorter... did you put on some weight? (that comment works better than a
stun-gun. Notice the twitch on her eyebrow). She will compliment you on how
nicely you are dressed and you get to reply with "yeah, my girlfriend bought
me this really nice shirt". Spend the next 15 minutes discussing about her
great clothing tastes, and how that reminds you how great she looked just the
other day when... don't overdue it though.
The waiter will grab your drink order, and she will take this chance to ask
you, after dribbling the question around a bit, if you are interested in
getting back with her. While looking over the menu, reply with the patented
answer "no, not really... but we can still be friends... hmmm, this looks
good!" and point out to her how the pasta All'Arrabbiata is great and she
should try it.
Congratulations! You have destroyed her. She will sit there looking
miserable (make sure you ask "you look so down, what's the matter?" - being a
woman she will answer you with a typical "nothing" answer). Notice how she
will hardly touch the food, this most likely caused by a the deadly combo
"did you gain weight?" question and your "let's be friends" answer.
I will probably get criticized for my childish behaviour, but I can't help it.
I am evil and vengeful and I always enjoy my steaming and evil plotting.
I find it better to conclude this with the wise words of Professor and friend,
Peter Steen: "ex-girlfriends should be handled like nuclear waste. Bury them in
the ground and hope they're harmless in 10,000 years."
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CoN would not be possible without the great help of Scriba Org.
A chain letter. I can't believe we published a chain letter.
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine "media you can abuse"
In memory of Father Ross "Padre" Legere
Published every second Monday (or when we get around it)
Disclaimer: unintentionally offensive
Comments, queries and submissions are welcome
http://www.capnasty.org ISSN 1482-0471
A bi-weekly electronic journal. Subscriptions available at no cost
electronically.
Available on Usenet newsgroups alt.zines and alt.ezines. This mailing
is sent exclusively to those poor souls who chose to subscribe to the
Capital of Nasty mailing list.
Spread the word! If you have friends who would like to receive CoN,
ask them to send email to join@capnasty.org. If you'd like to unsubscribe
because you are wrong and you suck, simply send an empty message to
leave@capnasty.org.
Brought to you by C.C.C.P. (Collective Communist Computing Proletariat)
Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro Colin Barrett
<leandro@capnasty.org> <tyrannis@capnasty.org>
ZimID 708EC8D1 1994/09/14 EC B0 97 59 1D FE 7C 32 7E 04 2C 66 47 41 FB 7D
