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Capital of Nasty Vol. 02 Issue 41
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume II, Issue 41, Year AD MCMXCVII
Monday, November 24th, 1997
ISSN 1482-0471
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"In one ear, out the other, eh?"
"More like 'In one ear, out the nostril'..."
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"What do you mean you can't walk on the ice? For crying out loud
Jesus Christ walked on water, and you can't walk on a little bit of
ice?!"
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1. Editorial
2. A Free-Form Treatise on Pizza
3. Review: Devil's Advocate
4. Obsession
5. Michael Row
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This week's Golden Testicle awards:
Toilet Paper Man
http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/9317/toiletpaper.html A Brief
Poem About Toilet Paper
http://www.liii.com/~jfauci/toilet.html
Toilet Paper Tongs
http://www.viamall.com/comfort/toilpapton.html Not replacing toilet
paper is genetic
http://megadodo.com/articles/2S69.html
Toilet Paper Museum and Society
http://www.tagyerit.com/tp.htm
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1. Editorial
by Leandro
My last Editorial
This Issue marks my last editorial and the second last Issue of this
year. After December the 10th I will be gone for a month to see
family and friends I haven't seen for over two years. I will return
before Issue 2 of Volume III is out and if I find a Cybercafe` along
the way, I'll for sure write the latest events. Unfortunately the
stress lately has been overwhelming and to keep up with what life
has been throwing my way I've completely burned out. I need some
time to recharge my batteries and think about nothing. CoN will
continue to be published by my co-editor, Colin Barrett. If you have
any queries or questions make sure you e-mail him. I will be gone
and unable to check my mailbox. Colin can be reached at:
tyrannis@capnasty.org or when you hit reply on this issue.
More Spam
Just when I thought that I was only going to put up with my e-mail
Spam, I look at my fax machine and I notice a fax. I don't receive
fax from anyone, but it's convenient to have a fax for the few times
I have needed it to send something. Somehow though, considering I
did not give my fax number to anyone, I had a nice piece of
advertising hanging there. Two pages of huge letters and words, one
advertising the faxing service that had sent me that ad, and one for
the actually advertising for oil changes. I was furious. First I get
spam through mail, and now even on my fax? I called their fax number
and sent them their ad back. I then called their number but I was
greeted with an automated service which removed my number from their
listing. Although skeptical, I dialed in my number and it said it
was going to remove it. I then called their second number listed
there. This time I got to talk to a human being, which surprised me
being 6PM on a Sunday. I complained to him as if he had sent me the
fax himself. The poor guy kept on saying he just worked in a
messaging place and the company that sent the fax just picked up the
messages from there. He took my fax number and promised no more
advertising would come through the fax. Tomorrow I an going to call
the company for the Oil Change and give their manager a hard time.
I'm tired of being a target for marketers.
The End
I'll live you with this issue hoping you will enjoy it. If you have
any comments or questions, send them in. I'll be able to reply to
most of the mail probably by December the 9th. I wish all the best,
and I'll see you next year.
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2. A Free-Form Treatise on Pizza
by Jason MacIsaac
I love pizza. There's no doubt in my mind that pizza is the best
foods in existence, and a really good reason to keep on living. Give
me a big ol'pizza and an Extra Huge-sized Coke to wash it down, and
watch me not care about the burdens that come with being alive and
responsible in the latter half of the 20th Century.
Pizza goes great with anything. Now, I don't mean great with other
foods. Admittedly, pizza and chocolate don't go too well together,
as do many other equally great foods. What I mean is that pizza goes
great with just about any other activity, with the possible
exception of sex, unless you like getting greased up first. But if
you're sitting down to watch the hockey game, an episode of the X-
Files, helping someone to move into their new home (By law you can
only eat pizza or Kentucky Fried Chicken when helping someone move
into a new home), or chatting about a movie you've just seen, pizza
is the perfect companion.
There's only one other thing that pizza does not go well with:
Work. Though it is kind of cool when you work at a place where they
don't mind if the employees treat themselves to a pizza... well,
work is work, and it's impossible to fully relax in front of the
boss. Also, you usually have several employees sharing the same
pizza (or not sharing at all, the bloody hogs), and with all the
different tastes in your office, that usually means eating pizza
with at least one topping you loathe.
From what you've read so far, you can probably determine two
things about me: I've thought about this a lot, and I have an
unnatural and quite possibly dangerous obsession with pizza. But
that's okay. Just where to go from here, toppings or ordering pizza?
... Toppings first.
Speaking of toppings, I have determined that the long-standing
pizza legend about everyone hating anchovies is a myth. Simply put,
anchovies don't exist, because nobody likes them. I have been unable
to find any pizza place that actually offers this as a topping.
Unless you go into those fancy restaurants that offer pizza with sea
food. But this isn't real pizza. Real pizza is ordered over the
phone, or from over the counter from some guy who's the cook, the
cashier, the janitor, the mechanic for the delivery cars, and the
guy who unclogs the toilets at your local greasy spoon.
If you do order over the phone, you don't seem to have a lot of
choice these days. The big conglomerates have killed off most of the
Mom and Pop operations where the really heavenly pizza comes from.
The only way non-Super Corporate Pizza places survive now is by
finding a busy location, and then selling slices over the counter.
These slices have the same production-line conformity as the big
pizza chains like Pizza Pizza. The problem is these corporate sell-
out pizzas are dirt cheap, and that's why they caught on. Also, they
have phone numbers that are easy to remember. The breakthrough was
Pizza Pizza, who cleverly managed to get their number into a catchy
jingle "Nine six seven... eleven...eleven..." This started a trend
all delivery food fast centres now follow.
Mom and Pop operations don't have this kind of convenience. Their
phone numbers are usually something like "area code 416-555-6724 and
ask for Gio." And the delivery boy is usually Gio's son, who also
answers the phone and was hoping that it was his girlfriend calling
back. As for thirty minutes guaranteed delivery, forget it. It will
get there when it's ready, not before. And it probably won't be
cheap, either, unless you've got a Mom and Pop Pizzeria sent from
the Great Pepperoni, the Ancient Roman God of Pizza.
Most people don't seem to have the patience or understanding that
you get what you pay for anymore, so they order from Conformist
Pizza. It's not bad pizza, but it ain't great either. A slice of
pizza to die for is rare thing these days, so if you know a place
that serves one, hang on tight and don't ever let go. I'm thinking
of starting a web page called "The Pizza Lovers Survival Page" and
www.sospizza.com, where we can all share the locations of good
pizzerias.
It's so hard to find a slice of pizza to die for where I live.
There used to be a place where I grew up called Pizza Delight. They
made the best pizza I have ever had. They made the crust thick, but
light. A little crispy on top, but still fairly soft and chewy
inside. The pizza was about an inch thick, and toppings were piled
high. Under the cheese, in the cheese, on top of the cheese. And it
wasn't overly greasy, either. And it was baked in the shape of a
rectangle. Sigh. Those happy, innocent days...
Nowadays, were stuck with these really stupid trends that if
people would just wake up for a moment and realize than convenience
is no substitute for excellence, most of these conglomerates would
be forced to change their product, or go out of business. I don't
care if a pizza arrives in thirty minutes or less. Take an extra
half-hour to put it together right, why don't you? Equally annoying
are those 20 for 1 pizza operations. The formula is X amount of
shitty pizzas for the price of one good one. I have friends that
want open One for Ten Pizza, where you only open after the bars have
let out, and sell one pizza for the price of ten. Another friend of
mine wants to open Infinite for One Pizza, where you buy one pizza
and receive an infinite amount for free. The one pizza would cost
$989, 632.57.
I say fight back against these corporate places. I'll close out
with this tactic for making their lives miserable and bringing them
one step closer to bankruptcy, which can be used if you live a large
apartment building. Order a pizza, then call all the elevators to
the top floor. Unless you've got Donovan Bailey delivering pizza, it
ain't gonna get up those stairs in time. At the very least, you'll
give the delivery boy a coronary.
Well, that's all for now. Next time on the Great Pizza Obsession,
I'll tell about the time we used a traffic accident in order to get
a free pizza out of 2 for 1. See you then.
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3. Devil's Advocate
by IMPROV
Devil's Advocate, not my first choice of movie to see on a weekend
where big name films such as Bean, and I Know What You Did Last
Summer opened. In fact, I was in line to see Kevin Williamson's
sophomore big screen creation, I know..., when the final show of the
evening sold out. (Welcome to the world of Cineplex, "Sure we have
17 screens, but they only hold 4 people each.") Williamson's first
movie was last years sleeper hit "Scream", in case you've been in a
coma. The only remaining show was "Seven Years in Tibet", well
needless to say that wasn't even an option. So, off to another
theatre to see anything.
Seeing that Bean isn't your average "date" movie we elect Devil's
Advocate. Let's back track to about a month and a half ago, to the
first time I saw the theatrical preview for Devil's Advocate. (Here
is my thought process while watching the trailer): "Hmmm...Al
Pacino, fuggetabout it!...Keanu Reeves, bearable (bearly)... Lawyer
movie, yawn... Satan?!?, get outta here!"
Needless to say, thanks to the trailer I went in with low
expectations, which is good. Whoever put together the previews of
this film did it no justice. It portrayed the story in an entirely
different light than the film is actually shown. The preview is full
of fire and brimstone, the movie (with the exception of the climax)
is not.
Other review's have refereed to this film as "combinations of
Rosemary's Baby & Wall Street and The Firm & Angel Heart, in
actuality director Taylor Hackford has created a film that is an
entity unto itself."
There are so many good things I can say about this film. Even
Keanu Reeves (Kevin Lomax) is impressive...it's his best performance
since, well since he started to act. And when an actor can look
impressive when playing the protagonist opposite an Al Pacino (John
Milton) antagonist, everyone should be impressed. Perhaps the most
surprising performance though, is that of Charlize Theron (Two Days
In the Valley). Subject to the mind games of The Prince of Darkness
himself, her decent into insanity as Lomax's wife is gripping and
eerie, much like the action of the entire film.
Lomax is an undefeated lawyer in Gainesville, Florida; Milton is
the president of Milton, Chadwick, and Waters, a big time New York
law firm that invites Lomax to work in the big city. When Mr. & Mrs.
Lomax accept, that's when the fun begins. This movie is truly scary.
Not jump-out-of-your-seat-because-there-is-creepy-music-on-and-a-
cat-just-leaped-out-at-you-scary. But it's thought provoking scary,
I like to call it a Mind Fuck. Well I suppose that it's not
surprising that Satan can fuck with your mind unlike anyone else.
I hate reviews that give too much of the plot away...so I won't
subject you to that. What I will do is list off a few things about
the movie that make it so great... first of all it's different,
there hasn't been a movie with a climax like this in a long time, so
intense it's heart stopping... Rick Baker's special effects,
normally I despise the T2 computer graphic morphing, but in this
film it is not over killed. Pacino, some say that he has become a
parody of himself, but Al puts in his best villain performance since
Scarface. I didn't puke with every word Keanu spoke, he was
watchable, even enjoyable. Symbolism, cinematography, and the
direction were each like there own literary devices at different
points of the movie.
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4. Obsession
by Leila
The light hits your face;
Show how your square cheekbones
Converge to a point
Where I touch with my finger.
Only barely though, this
Concave globe seals you but
Inches from
Life.
I cannot control how I feel
Cannot help but look past
That shyish smile; the
Sweet inquiring eyes, that
Careless hair.
But you hurt me-you-
You saw nothing past that
Loud, ignorant, fickle-mindedness
For soft -- I only did that for
You.
So now you lie; seeing
Hearing, thinking none
The elegant countours, the
Parted lips-still
Melt my heart,
But,
That blanched face --
It holds no more power
To judge
This ill-fated
Obsession.
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5. Michael Row
by The alarmingly uneventful Adventures of Rik
This article, I decided that it should be dedicated to Micheal Row.
Michael died this week at the age of 18 from meningitis. I suppose
you were probably expecting a nice, funny article for a bit of a
giggle.
Sorry to dissapoint you.
Meningitis effects younger people more. The bacteria that cause it
are present in everyone's nasal cavities. Don't worry, I am not
going to give you a little lesson on biology. People should just be
aware of the symptoms, which are very similar to a really bad flu,
vomiting, headaches and drowsiness. It kills very quickly indeed.
Micheal Row became ill Tuesday afternoon and was dead by 6:00 the
next morning. Meningitis is a serious problem that we should all be
aware of. If you dont care, what kind of human being are you?
Remember that you are made of flesh and blood yourself. Some people
fail to realize that they are not immortal, when even a mere
papercut can be extremely painful.
Send your comments to: Rik <Rich.h@btinternet.com> or visit
http://www.btinternet.com/~weird.stuff1/Rik1.htm.
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"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think
that's how dogs spend their lives."
-- Sue Murphy
