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Capital of Nasty Vol. 02 Issue 33
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume II, Issue 33, Year AD MCMXCVII
Monday, August 18th, 1997
ISSN 1482-0471
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It is a small world, unless you have to walk.
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My dad always says he raised his children to be assholes, and we
make him proud every day.
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1. Weird and Wonderful Webfrights on the InterNUT
2. Street guy
3. "Film Reviews"
4. The CoN movie review: SPAWN
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This week's Golden Testicle Web Award goes to:
Shakesperian Insulter
http://zenith.berkeley.edu/~seidel/Shaker/shake.cgi?
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1. Weird and Wonderful Webfrights on the InterNUT
by Maxine Mahn, (Miss Manners on Acid)
I figured that people reading this newsletter, have a lot of time on
their hands. You know, the kind of people that need to get a life.
Well while you are waiting to get a life, I thought I would give you
some new sites on the InterNut to visit.
http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/5671/
This is the perfect site for buying a present for a brat. You know the
nephew, grandson that you can't stand.
http://www.promotion.co.il/madcow/
I know you have been waiting for cows to revolt. Well here it is, the
time is now.
http://www.soundbites.com
For people who can't read to well (namely brand new American Graduates
of high school) and learn more from cartoons. (I didn't graduate from
high school, so I can read!)
http://www.com/user/gail/ladies
For women, I hope there are a few of you out there. This site is what
the True Woman should be! Men, there is still hope out there for you.
Someday soon, the True Woman will be back!
http://www.c-i-w.com/
This site is my favorite. It concerns the President Clinton Impeachment
Site. (yea, team go!)
http://www.thekiss.com/
For all you cyberspace lovers, this is for you. Just think you can now
send the love of you life a big kiss. Big lips, small lips, blue lips,
red lips, whatever lights your pantyhose!
http://members.aol.com/onares/indes.htm
For the alumni of the Offcenter Dentention Home, (and some who are still
trapped there) the ongoing recreation of saturical classic Don Quixote.
I know this might be completely over your heads. But remember you are
starting a new life.
http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/FaderMan/
For the man who has always wanted to dig up his backyard, but the little
woman wouldn't let him. You can learn how to become "The Backyard
Archaeologist". Just think how you can impress your neighbors!!!!
http://athenet.net/~jlindsay/Shopping.shtml
Truly the Internut Shopping Center. The pet collar you have been looking
for, Afterglow Pet Collars, now half-life of 20,000 years. Or how about
a Smoking Starter's Kit? A hot gift for maturing kids! Just a sample of
hard to find gifts, for the person who has everything!
http://www.azstarnet.com/~rgrogan/bambi/htm
The complete guide for new and used Urban Hunters. This will make the
little woman more secure, knowing you now know what and what not to hunt
for. Complete instructions for even the drop outs that can't read.
Plenty of pictures. Also has some fine links to explore, while you are
still trying to find a life.
I hope in my way, that I have bored you to tears. But remember I am just
trying in my small way to help you find a new life.
In the future issues of this Nasty Newsletter, if I am permitted, I will
try and continue to completly drive you out of what you think is a
normal life. Any comments to this column might get answered!
Maxine Mahn, (Miss Manners on Acid)
Send your comments to Miss Manners on Acid by hitting reply, and
changing the subject to "Manners".
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2. Street Guy
by Gard E Abrahamsen
(quotes by memory only, and definitely not accurate)
There is a story I'd like to tell that happened to me not too long
ago, while I was living in Toronto. I was on my way home from work.
It had been raining in the morning, so I had taken the subway instead
of riding my bike, and so I found myself walking home, way beyond
midnight. Walking up Yonge Street at this hour might be a bit scary
for quite a few people, but I've gotten quite used to it. Of course,
walking is somewhat scarier than riding.
I have almost reached College, when a guy stops me and asks for the
time. It is quite obvious that this person has not had a bed for quite
a while. I tell him that it's 4am. He thanks, and we both continue in
each our direction. Then he turns around and shouts after me. "Hey,
could you spare me a looney (A Canadian dollar) for a cup of coffee?"
I shake my head.
"Sorry," I tell him. "I can't"
He then walks back up to me and say that he can understand that I
might be worried about him using it for drugs or things like that. And
as (way too) deep my hear is, I tell him I would buy him a cup of
coffee, but I will not give him no looney. He agrees. So we walk up
to the Italian bakery on the corner of Yonge/Carlton/College, I buy
us both each our cup of coffee. Again he asks for money, because he
will get hungry later on. I ask him if he wants something to eat, and
I'd buy him something to eat.
"No, I'm not hungry right now. I will get hungry later on. Could
you just spare a looney?" I tell him no, I would buy him something to
eat, but I wouldn't give him a looney.
We sit down by a table, and he starts telling about himself. He was
from Winnipeg, and had been on the street for twenty years. He had in
fact walked from Winnipeg to Toronto. He said he had been all over
Canada, he had seen it all.
He said that his sister wanted him to get back to Winnipeg, but he
just couldn't face her. He showed me the letter. It looked as if it
had been written by a six year old who had just learned how to write.
"By the time you read this," it said, "I'm probably dead. I don't know
how long how much longer I can go on like this." It was a letter of
dispear. It told how he was back on drugs. How he couldn't hold a job.
How he couldn't find his place in the world. But more importantly, how
he found it so difficult to live with the memories.
"I want to ask her," he said. "How do you get by? How can you live
with yourself? She keeps telling me to put the past behind me. But I
can't." I didn't know what his past was all about, but I assured him
that most likely, whatever it was, it probably wasn't about him. And
so he started telling me his story.
He was eight years old. His sister was six. They had both been tied
down. Spread eagled. "TOO MUCH INFORMATION" I was crying inside
myself. Luckily his details stopped there. They had both been sexually
abused by some guy that their mom had trusted. It had been going on
for quite a while before she knew. He could remember how his sister
had been crying. How he wanted to help her, but couldn't. How the guy
tried to convince them that it was natural.
"How can I live with that?" he asked. He showed me a number of scars
on both his wrists. "I'm ashamed of these. I want to hide them away
when I walk down the street." Several of the scars were across, but one
scar was indeed along the artery. "I've tried to kill myself so many
times, but there has always been somebody that saved me. Why?"
"You are still worth something," I told him. "I have never
experienced what you have experienced, but this did not happen because
you deserved it, but because this guy was really bad. That it happened
to you was circumstantial. It was not because of you, but because of
him." I didn't expect him to get it immediately, it might well take
a few days before it would sink in.
"You must think I'm really low," he said.
"No, you're worth as much as anybody else." I tried to reassure him.
"You have only lived a different life, experienced different things. I
can't possibly see the world exactly the same way you do, and without
that, I can't possibly judge you or anybody else."
Spontaneously Combusted Literature
Volume 2 Issue 15 August 11th 1997
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3. "Film Reviews"
by Robert Bollig
Well it's that time of year again folks. Time for the summer run of
movies, and man do we have a bunch of degenerates this time around.
I suppose I shouldn't be all that surprised, it's a scientifically
proven fact than any film without the word "road" somewhere in the
title will suck donkey balls.
Still, though, I always feel hopeful when I walk into a theater.
Maybe this will be the one, the first good movie I see this year. Of
course it never is. I should be able to tell that right from the
start. As soon as I see that the ticket taker is having trouble with
the daunting task of ripping a piece of paper in two I know I'm in for
it. People in front of me tend to complain when the ticket taker has
these types of problems, but come on, it's probably just his first day
on the job. However, if realizing that an adult human being paid $6
an hour doesn't have the dexterity to tear on the indentation doesn't
chill your soul, further horrors await you at the concession stand.
The prices are horrendous. Shipping a bag of popcorn to the moon
wouldn't even cost this much.
If there are ever movie theaters on the moon, they'll STILL have to
lower their
prices to make it reasonable. On a recent trip to the movies I
actually saw a sign that read "Real Movie Theater Popcorn Here!" Now
I don't know about you, but I've never walked up to a concession stand
and thought "that popcorn looks fake to me..." I mean, think about
it, if it's popcorn and it's in a movie theater then it must be real
movie theater popcorn, right?
There's no way to get around the prices. You could always buy a
smaller size but when you look at the prices you realize that it's
useless. For $2.75 you get a cup of cola that looks like it's one of
those urine specimens. For $2.80 you get the mega-orgasmic sized cup
that contains approximately the same amount of liquid as Lake
Winnipeg. If anyone ever spilled a whole one of these the result
would probably be a tsunami. Of course you could always try to sneak
in your own food and drink, but this doesn't work so well with
popcorn. I once tried to sneak in a bag of popcorn in my shorts, but
the stream of boiling hot yellow butter running down my leg not only
gave me away, it also severely disrupted my flirtations with the lady
at the ticket booth (which is really the only reason I go to the
movies anyway.)
Well, without further inturruption, here's Bob's Movie Reviews for the
Summer Films.
_Air Force One_: Now, I don't know about you folks, but I can't
imagine Bill Clinton wrestling fully automatic weapons away from
terrorists and beating them senseless with his bare hands. Hillary
could probably pull it off, but definitely not Bill.
_Face/Off_: Oh! Where to begin? Here we have a classic example of a
movie who's only flaw was not explaining to the audience what the hell
was going on. We did learn alot from this film, though. We learned
that even if all of the agents involved are killed or wounded, and
even if the main suspect gets away, the papers will still hail your
FBI raid as a resounding success.
We learned that all speedboats explode on impact. We also learned
that if your
writers think of several different possible endings for your movie,
you don't have to pick one. You can just film them all and leave the
audience to pick the one they like best. This movie also finally
answered all of our worries about that burning question: What
happened to Micheal Jackson, and what ever did he do with the Elephant
Man's face?
_Contact_: I won't review this one since I'm still trying to get a
date with Jodie Foster.
_Batman and Robin_: I have just one question. The hell? Watching
this film was like watching a 90 minute commercial for Energizer
Batteries. It also sports the two most pathetic "how I became a
villain" stories in all of movie history. I mean honestly, when a
scientist keeps a large, open vat of liquid nitrogen sitting just
behind his equipment, he's just asking to be turned into a maniacle
villain. In my theater, the surround sound went out half way through
the film and people started complaining. I had to wonder: why? I
would prefer the sound to go out entirely, then the audience could
make up its own dialogue. As a side note, all of the audience members
were better actors than half the cast. Of course we are left with
several burning questions. Like, why is it that Mr. Freeze's suit
needs frequent injections of huge diamonds to work, but my Maytag
works fine plugged into a 110 volt outlet? I'd also like to know why
the bat suit had nipples. I mean, unless Batman is lactating I think
that's completely unecessary. The last thing I want to see when I go
to the movies is a rubber impression of George Clooney's nipples. All
in all you're paying $6.50 to see one good Alicia Sylverstone butt
shot, the rest of the movie was a complete waste.
_Spawn_: This is one of those fims that leaves you thinking, "Geez,
evil is really dumb sometimes." We have here a satan who doesn't even
know what the hell is going on in hell, but makes up for that defect
by having the unique ability to talk without moving his lips. The
story is that of Al Simmones who, after being sprayed with guacamole
and set on fire by his boss, is reborn as a demon who strongly
resembles Irving R. Levine. He makes upfor his lost looks though, by
aquiring all types of interesting powers, such ashis new Swiss Army
Hand. This is actually pretty interesting, whenever he needs a knife
or four, there it is. I was expecting to see a spoon or bottle
opener pop out of that wrist a couple of times. But what really
worried me was the way Al refered to his mentor as an 'old man'. I
mean, the guy looked like he was 45. Is this really what CIA killers
reborn as demons think that old is? That was the scariest concept in
the whole film. At the end the narrator infered that there would be
a sequel. The tentative title is "Movie to be Released When Primary
Film Location Freezes Over"
_Men In Black_: Now, this film had Tommy Lee Jones in it, so there's
no way I can possibly call it bad. But let's just say that every
element of the film that was not a direct result of Tommy's influence
was bad. I'm told that director Barry Sonnenfeld cried when he found
out that the two million dollar model of the space cockroach wouldn't
work right. I can only imagine that he had a similar reaction when he
read the final draft of the script.
We note that one of the aliens in this film demanded sugar after
landing. I can only take this to mean that space travel between
Alpha Centauri and Earth does not include an in-flight meal, this
doesn't surprise me.
Copyright 1997 Robert Bollig
Permission is granted to distribute this material, in whole or in
part, provided that this notice remains attached.
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4. The CoN movie review: SPAWN
Movie Review by Jason MacIsaac
Fuck numbers, letters, and stars, I don't rate movies.
I don't read the Spawn comic books, but I've had someone describe
them to me, and it seems like two days are taken on each individual frame
of artwork, and about thirty seconds on the story for the year. A
similar law applies for the movie. Now, if there are any comic book fans
out there objecting to what I say, shaddap, because I've heard it all
before. "Spawn deals with serious issues like child abuse and racism...
blah blah blah" Congratulations, because nobody's EVER done that before.
What does Spawn have to say about racism and shit, anyway? Are they good
things or bad things?
Anyway, the movie. A special forces officer realizes that the
jobs he's been doing have lead to the loss of innocent lives. He tries
to retire, but on his last job, he's betrayed and murdered. Little does
he know his boss is in league with the forces of Hell, and that he's been
selected to be their general in the war against Heaven. He's torn
between the words of the evil Clown (John Luguizmo, and to give you an
idea of what make-up can do, they turned him into the butt-ugly clown,
and the most convincing transvestite "Chi-Chi Rodriguez" in To Wong Foo,
Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar) and Heaven's rep Coligstro (the dude
who played Merlin in Excaliber). Meanwhile, his ex-boss plots global
blackmail with the use of a biological weapon. Using his new spectral
powers to morph into about anything, he can play into Hell's hands and
seek revenge, or rebel, and save the world.
In this movie, 90% of the effort has been spent on the special
effects. Oh, but what special effects. Blades spring out of nowhere with
a menacing sound. Fat clowns mutate into evil demons. Spawn's cape
wraps around his armored body like fire. In fact, Spawn's cape has more
expression than the actor playing him. Quite often the actors get in
the way of special effects. You find yourself saying "Get the idiot out
of the way, and lets see some more cool animation."
Despite the mostly flawless animation, action sequences can be
confusing and poorly directed at times (I thinking in particular of the
climatic fight in Hell, where there's so much going on you're not sure
if you're watching Spawn the movie, or playing Spawn on the N64).
Characters aren't much to speak of. Coglistro is more interesting than
Spawn, but we don't see nearly enough of him and they force him to speak
in that "Enigmatic Master" shit, so we don't really get a sense of him.
Martin Sheen, evil boss guy, talks like someone who's been accused of
being gay, so he drops his voice down low. Male hormones are entertained
by Melinda Clarke, who appears briefly as Jessica Priest (is the clever
irony of that name punching you in the head yet?), the assassin who kills
Spawn to set off this otherworldly chain of events. She wears a kinky
leather outfit and high heels (like most professional mercenaries) in
her brief time on screen.
Some are saying that the only worthwhile character is the Clown,
a sleazy demon who oozes wisecracks throughout the movie. In fact, he
never shuts up. By making him yack non-stop, they often rob him of any
sense of real menace. That's bad, because he's supposed to be Spawn's
number one enemy for the movie. We also see the Lord of Hell, whom they
gave a name stupid enough for me to forget. He is a badly-rendered CGI
character with the voice of Doctor Claw from Inspector Gadget. I was
about as afraid of him as I am of my hamster, Winkie.
Did I hate this movie? Nah. I'm being too harsh. I went in
with low expectations and I was fine. I went to see special effects
and lots of explosions, and I got 'em. If you managed to stomach the
latest lame-ass Batman sequel, you can handle this.
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CoN would not be possible without the great help of Scriba Org
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine "media you can abuse"
In memory of Father Ross "Padre" Legere.
Published every Monday (or Tuesday)
Disclaimer: unintentionally offensive.
Comments and Queries welcomed.
http://www.capnasty.org - ISSN 1482-0471
CoN is a weekly electronic journal. Subscriptions are available
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