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Capital of Nasty Vol. 04 Issue 07
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume IV, Issue 7, AD MCMXCIX
Monday, April 12, 1999
ISSN 1482-0471
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"Her mind is a joyful playground for people like me.
Except of course I don't pick up after letting the dog loose."
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"The essence of being human is that one does not seek perfection, that
one is sometimes willing to commit sins for the sake of loyalty, that one
does not push asceticism to the point where it makes friendly intercourse
impossible, and that one is prepared in the end to be beaten and broken
up by life, which is the inevitable price of fastening one's love on
other human individuals."
"To an ordinary human being, love means nothing if it doesn't mean loving
some people more than others." -George Orwell, "Reflections on Ghandi"
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1. Editorial
2. The War Against Stupidity
3. Happy Easter-Unless You're a Chocolate Bunny
4. Stupidity = Funidity
5. Stupid Society
6. Ranting in my soap-box
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This week's Golden Testicle award:
The Big Brother Awards
http://www.bigbrotherawards.org/
Canada ate my balls!
http://www.skepsis.com/~kevyn/PLACES/NAMERICA/CANADA/BALLS/
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1. Editorial
By CoN Staff
Welcome to Issue 7 of CoN. This issue is almost in time. It was
actually ready before the day it was due, but for some reason it seemed a
little bit too early to send. Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't. At this
point, I don't know.
IGNORE the HYPE writes in regards to Samantha's top ten list:
> Here's my top ten list:
>
> TOP TEN REASONS WHY I HATE TOP TEN LISTS
> 10. They're stupid
> 9. They're not funny
> 8. They're stereotypical
> 7. They use dated material
> 6. Even Letterman's aren't funny anymore
> 5. They accomplish nothing
> 4. They waste bandwidth
> 3. They are shallow at best
> 2. They are insulting at worst
> And the #1 reason WHY I HATE TOP TEN LISTS:
> 1. They are last refuge of those that have nothing to say
>
> Uh, oh yeah, ignore this list too. It's also stupid. <g>
Jackson Michael writes in regards to Davinder Sangha's "Men? MEN? We no
need no stinkin' men!"
> The writer of this piece seems sincerely angry at men, and she may
> have every reason to, but as a reader (and, admittedly, as a guy),
> I'm compelled to ask:
>
> What happened after she kissed her cousin? ;)
Davinder Sangha (who is also, to my horror, my girlfriend) replies:
> To answer your question, when my cousin kissed me on my
> sexy lips I felt an electrical wave go through my body. My cousin
> and I had great sex compared to my boyfriend. Therefore, since
> this incident occurred I've realized that I may be a lesbian or
> Bi-sexual. Bye bye Leo and hello Pat!
I'll leave you with this issue which is nothing more than an attack
against vile stupidity, in it's own stupid way. Hope you enjoy it.
Capital of Nasty looks forward to your feedback. To send feedback, hit
reply to this issue. You will not be made fun of in our next editorial.
Honest.
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2. The War Against Stupidity
A Field Report From Corporal Jason MacIsaac
Tonight I was in my local Subway picking up a Subway Melt with extra
tomatoes, when two customers walked in, and I won an important victory in
the war against stupidity.
It started innocently enough, with a quite attractive young woman
entering the store. While one of the wage slaves behind the counter was
making up my sub, another took her order, which was for a particular kind
of sub that has cheese.
I am proud to say that I really do admire brains in a woman over her
body, because the moment she saw the cheese and opened her mouth to
protest, suddenly my Raging Hormones were instantly pushed aside by my
Intellectual Outrage, which quickly got on the phone and told their
buddy, my Homicidal Impulses, to come over and bring a six pack and a
shotgun.
What was the problem? Well, if you've ever been to a Subway, you know
that their cheese comes in little triangular slices, and are a creamy
white. It's cheddar cheese, but she thought it was mozzarella. She kept
protesting that cheddar cheese was orange.
Now, if you've even eaten anything other than Kraft singles in your life,
you should know that cheese comes in a variety of different styles. For
example, I've seen aged cheddar that was white. A lot of this has to do
with additives and food colouring. They could make cheddar blue with
green dots and have it still taste the same. But they don't because they
know you won't buy it. Orange is the colour most people expect them to
be, so that's the colour it is. But it hardly means that it has to be
this colour or it's not cheddar.
And one other little detail she should be aware of. Subway is a fast-
food place. And I hate to break this to her but... I kinda suspect that
some fast-food place don't always use 100% all natural food. I think
that some of it just might be synthetic. I have it from a person who
used to work in a Subway that the cheese isn't artificial, but still,
when you go into a quick food place, you should assume better food
through chemical engineering.
The Subway guy showed her the box that said "Cheddar" on it, and although
she didn't put up a fuss about it, by her tone you could she knew the
Subway guy was crazy. She knew what colour cheddar cheese was supposed
to be. In fact, in order to confirm her theory, she was talking with
another customer, a man, about how she always thought Cheddar was orange.
Meanwhile, I was standing there, having a premonition about being tried
for murder. "But mi'lord, if you'd only been in Subway listening to these
two... ."
The other guy was agreeing with her about how Cheddar should be orange.
Well, I'm glad these two are tackling the social issues that are tearing
this country apart. Am I the only one in this room who doesn't give a
fuck and three quarters?
But it got worse. Much to my alarm, they began to strike up a
conversation based on the fact that Cheddar was orange. I could see that
they were warming up to each other, and the old attraction virus was
being exchanged. They were actually forging a relationship on this.
Their mutual attraction to each other was created from their deeply
spiritual belief that Cheddar should be orange.
I don't know if a relationship based on Cheddar is strong enough to go
the distance, and I didn't wish to know. It wasn't important anyway.
Clearly these two were beginning to like each other. That could mean
they would form a relationship. It could mean marriage. It could mean
sexual intercourse. But most importantly, it could lead to pregnancy.
Then we'd have the genes of two stupid people passed on to a new
generation.
Clearly, drastic action was called for. It was just me between these two
and the dumbing of the human race's gene pool. I had to do something.
I sprang into action.
I grabbed the guy, spun him around, and kissed him full on the lips
(fortunately, stupidity can't be spread through casual contact). I said
"See you tonight honey. It's your turn to be on top. And don't forget
to bring Cocoa the Dancing Monkey."
Mortified, he left the store without another word. The woman he'd been
talking to stared blankly ahead, trying very hard not to look at me.
I collected my Subway Melt and left triumphantly. It's true that the
Subway now thinks I'm gay and a rampaging lunatic, but it's a small price
to pay to protect our future from idiocy.
Fight the war against stupidity. The life you save may be your own.
---
Jason MacIsaac sends a postcard from interesting times, where he has been
for almost a year. But the crowds have fallen silent, and he can't
remember what this rifle in his hands is meant for. He's thinking of
going home.
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3. Happy Easter-Unless You're a Chocolate Bunny
By Samantha
Okay, so it's Easter weekend, and I'm sitting here in the smallest
and most un-uplifting mall on the face of the earth (well, next to
Gerrard Square, of course). As I watch the mounds (mounds meaning 20 or
so people-but that's a lot in this place) of people run anxiously from
Laura Secord to Hallmark, I can't help but wonder if Easter has been
entirely lost on the human race. I mean, they did it to Christmas. It
became less about the birth of Christ, and more about a fat man in a red
suit getting his ass stuck in our chimneys in order to fill up our
overgrown socks. Where the hell did that theory come from??? Not to
mention the Christmas tree- I mean, I'm pretty sure there wasn't an
evergreen growing next to the manger, which Mary happily decorated before
she gave birth.
But I digress, I WAS just going to discuss the atrocities behind
Easter. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not exactly the most religious
person. Sure, I attended a Catholic high school, but I'm not even
CATHOLIC. Not to mention the fact that now that I'm not forced to go, I
attend church maybe twice a year-Christmas and Easter. So, I'll admit
that I should not be person to talk about losing one's religion, but
sometimes I get into these analytical moods, and just can't help it.
So, Christ died on the cross for us, "and the third day he rose
again". My question to you is, where did chocolate bunnies and eggs come
in? Did everyone celebrate in his resurrection by biting the head off of
a chocolate peter rabbit after they rolled the stone away? I just don't
get it. And the Easter Bunny, now there's a shitty character. Most kids
I talk to today don't even know who he is. I hated him as a kid, because
he always made me work for my chocolate.
At least Santa would fill up your precariously positioned stocking. The
Easter bunny hides the eggs, and then FORGETS where they're all hidden.
Years down the line, you move and wonder what that moldy thing is behind
the couch. Voila, a cobweb covered Easter egg from 1984.
It's just wrong. And not a very religious way to celebrate Christ's
resurrection. People are at home, vomiting from too much chocolate,
while nearly empty liturgies take place every five minutes for four days
straight.
So now I look over at the huge crowd (by huge, I mean five or six
people) surrounding Laura Secord, and sigh at their lack of religious
involvement. But then I close my eyes, and wonder if the day will come
when we appreciate these religious holidays for what they really are. In
the meantime, I must go for my break now. And that reminds me, I have to
stop at Laura Secord and get a chocolate bunny for my Mom.
---
Once an alumni of the ever-famous St. Patrick's high school, Samantha is
a wannabe actress/singer turned writer who is looking to get absolutely
anything published. Her passions range from musicals, to alternative
rock, to smiley faces. She work at the information booth in a dinky
little mall in the suburbs, and takes her frustrations out by writing
about the yuppies that wander the mall aimlessly all day.
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4. Stupidity = Funidity
Movie Recommendations from Jeff Wright
Ehh. I feel to drained mentally (a.k.a. STUPID) right now to write
an article, so I'll just recommend a couple of flics for ya to rent from
your local video store. I'll even suggest within the theme of stupidity.
Flic Number 1 is SLING BLADE.
Billy Bob Thornton's feature debut as Writer/Director/Actor; a
fantastic film that is more than just a movie about a retard who likes
the way a little boy talks. I didn't want to see it, but decided to rent
the laserdisc one day to check it out for the hell of it. Thornton made
a great little film that's a lot funnier than advertised. Rent it, I
don't think you'll regret it. Oh, and how Dwight Yokam didn't get
nomminated for an Oscar is beyond me. Every single line he utters for
his first few scenes are soooooooooooo goddamn funny!!!!!!
Flic Number 2 is BASEketball.
BASEketball is the dumbest movie of last year, but also one of the
funniest. It surpasses THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY as far as I'm
concerned. The plot is stupid, the jokes are stupid, most of the cast is
stupid, everything is stupid. But it's a very, very good thing. Matt
Stone and Trey Parker (the creators of South Park) star in the flic about
a couple of guys who create a new sport that incorporates baseball,
basketball and insults. It's a fun silly movie that most should like,
unless you're offended by crude humour.
See you at the video shelves. Hehehe!!! Don't you hate it when
people say things like that?
Oh, and by the way. Don't bother going to see THE MATRIX unless
you're really hard pressed for something to do. It's not without merits,
it's just that there aren't any beyond its action sequences (and there's
a lot of the other stuff).
---
Right now ladies and gentlemen. Jeff would like to tell ya'bout. the
fabulous. most groovy. BELLBOTTOMS!!! BELLBOTTOMS!!!
EEEEEEYEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!
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5. Stupid Society
By Jay Lohner
At Christmas time, I found a CD set that I thought would be really good
and was really looking forward to playing. It was songs from the 70's.
Maybe you remember some of these, maybe not.
Anyway, these were some really good songs that I hadn't heard for a long
time. Songs like "Don't Pull Your Love" or "Fallin' in Love" by Hamilton
Joe Frank and Reynolds, or "Sooner or Later" and "Temptation Eyes" by the
Grassroots.
You remember those songs don't you? Well, on the front of this package in
big ole letters it says "ORIGINAL ARTISTS!" and I remember these songs
and these people so I buy it! Well, in this society of "consumer beware",
on the back in little bitty letters it says "All selections are new
stereo recordings, except blah, blah, blah...." I couldn't believe it!
These people had gone out and re-recorded their songs....their hit songs
that you've heard dozens of times and know by heart......into imitations
of their former greatness. One or two of the songs were the originals but
the rest were redo's! AAAARGGGHHH!
I'm still not sure how I'm going to handle this, but I think a nasty
letter condemning them for taking advantage of fond memories past, is in
order, and that they are stepping over the line just a tad. I don't
know... do you think that's strange? I keep thinking about how many other
people they suckered in, and disappointed like me.
Then again maybe I'm taking this too seriously. I know when compared to
global warming, or famine in Africa, or overpopulation, it doesn't really
matter but, it's not right! If these people needed more money it
should've said in big ole letters on the front.. "ORIGINAL ARTISTS >>>
NEW RECORDINGS!" I'll betcha it would've cut their sales to nothing! But
at least they could hold their heads high while going to bankruptcy
court.
I'm sorry... I'm ranting on here, and I'm sure you have better things to
do than read my opinions of our corrupt society.
--
Jay Lohner thinks mountains are the breasts of the planet. He knows that
this sounds kinda corny, but he is infatuated with both. Jay could spend
hours looking at them, and since he spends a large portion of his spare
time thinking about them, he tries his best to work his schedule and
finances in order to get his hands on some. Jay likes to take pictures of
them, and is constantly amazed at the variety of shapes and sizes of them
all...
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6. Ranting in my soap-box
By IMPROV
I've never commented on ANYTHING else in CoN besides my own writing
before, but when I got my latest issue in my in box and read Top 10
Reason's Why Men Are Scum... I had to say something. Now before I start,
no need to worry that the attempt at humour was lost on me, it wasn't...
it's just that these "issues" the author covers are NOT FUNNY...mainly
because they're not issues. I'm up for some male bashin' anytime (I
watch Evening at the Improv!)... but this was just sad.
> Top 10 Reasons Men Are Scum
First of all, the fact that these are only the top 10 indicates that
these tired stereotypes are just the beginning of a longer, larger
problem that some poor, poor, bitter girl is harbouring.
> I wrote this list on a day when I was particularly mad with my
> boyfriend. Originally, it offended him, but eventually most guys I
> know confessed to the fact that it's all true. As for the girls,
> they agreed.
Okay, first of all the disclaimer is not needed. Who are the guys you
showed this too? Are they characters on a Fox sitcom? And the girls,
did you go to a battered woman's shelter or a bar on Church St. (a gay &
lesbian area in Toronto).
> 10) The words, "I can't, I have to spend quality time with my
> girlfriend" are not in their vocabulary.
What is quality time? To me and my girlfriend, anytime we spend together
is of quality. But hopefully that is not all it is, "quality time" is
aimin' mighty low, I'd want good times, fun times, great times. Beyond
that, it seems that the way the author has worded this, is that men
should be saying this to others, you know, turning down a friend to enjoy
a quality night with his girlfriend... if that's the case, then do you
have to set aside a QUALITY NIGHT? eeesshh, if you do... sad, really.
> 9) They must eat like they're in a marathon-ALL THE TIME.
I've never run a marathon, but, I don't think there are many hotdog
stands along the route... Gatorade maybe.
> 8) Violence can be more of a turn on than sex-need I say the word
> "wrestling"?
Later you complain that men are preoccupied with sex... hmmm oxyMORONIC?
But we'll get back to that later.
> 7) They don't understand that women's hearts are frail and can be
> broken on a daily basis.
Did you know that 75% of Heart Attack sufferers are men?
> 6) They become a whole other person when they're "hanging with the
> guys".
Okay, I guess we should be the same in front of EVERYBODY...just like
women, cause they never change how they act. When was the last time a
woman was with her boyfriend and discussed the latest advancements in
feminine protection or how "this thong underwear is soooo much more comfy
than expected"?
> 5) They never get anything done-there's ALWAYS tomorrow.
Oh my GOD!!! All procrastinators listen up...YOU'RE SCUM!!
> 4) They change their minds more than women do hairstyles.
Is that a stereotype about women and their preoccupation with appearance?
I think it is... tisk, tisk, tisk.
> 3) They wear the same dirty clothes day after day, but expect a woman
> to look fabulous all the time.
Are you dating a really shallow, homeless guy?
> 2) They claim a woman's figure means nothing to them, and then proceed
> to oggle slim girls with big boobs.
A woman's figure DOES mean nothing... it's not like a nice rack will
change a guy's way of thinking... conversely, does Leo Dicaprio's tight
little ass mean anything to any female out there?
> And the #1 reason why all men are scum:
>
> 1) Sex seems to be their only thought and/or purpose in life, and
> they're just fine with that.
(see #8) What do you want? If we want to have sex, we're preoccupied with
it, yet according to you we get aroused by wrestling, and don't want to
have sex with you because of it! No wonder 75% of Heart Attack Sufferers
are men.
---
Hi, my name is IMPROV and I suffer from Attention Deficiency Syn...
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Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine "media you can abuse"
In memory of Father Ross "Padre" Legere
Published every second Monday (or when we get around it)
Disclaimer: unintentionally offensive
Comments, queries and submissions are welcome
http://www.capnasty.org ISSN 1482-0471
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