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Capital of Nasty Vol. 02 Issue 38
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume II, Issue 38, Year AD MCMXCVII
Monday, October 13th, 1997
ISSN 1482-0471
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After several interviews with different ovines, CoN scientists have
finally arrived to the shattering conclusion that the sound of a
goat is not "baah". According to sources, goats go "maah" while
lambs go "baah". Although several lawsuits are still in the process
of being resolved by both sides on the rights of the "baah" sound,
there are apparently no problems for public domain use.
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Sometimes I think about becoming a serial killer. I like to think
about how many I could get away with, and what my MO would be. A
friend of mine suggested being the 'Toucan Son-of-Sam'. He said you
could gut your victims, fill them with Froot Loops, and send notes
to the police saying to 'follow your nose'.
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1. Editorial
2. Cereal Killer: The Dog-Eat-Dog World of Cereal Mascots
3. not to trust is better
4. Reasons Why Your Personal Website Bites
5. Arranged marriages
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This week's Golden Testicle award:
The Cycles Page
To better help you keep track of your menstrual cycle
http://www.io.com/~brenda/cycles/
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1. Editorial
Welcome to Issue 38 of Capital of Nasty. I have been playing Jedi
Knight for the past few days now, after I bought it early Thursday
morning. I know it's only a computer game, but I was really
fascinated by the quality of the graphics and the playability, that
Quake looks boring in comparison. To top it all, I've also been
quite busy with work and doctors, so my apologies, this issue
suffered a bit from it.
Back in Issue 36 we had that female reader, Bronwyn Mitchell, who
wrote a complaint about "something". To this day, I still don't know
what she was complaining about, in fact I had posted the message in
the editorial asking readers just what the heck she was shrieking
about. I thought that was the last I was going to hear from her.
Instead, I go check my mailbox yesterday and this is what I find
Date sent: Sat, 11 Oct 1997 13:44:18 -0700 (PDT)
To: con@capnasty.org
From: Bronwyn Mitchell
Subject: you the man
Dear cap nasty
I love your magazine but you should put more things in about comic
books and that stuff.
keep it up
What gives? Anyway, here at CoN, we are thinking of setting up a
comix section. Not an article section where we discuss comic book
heroes, or if Superman is gay or Batman and Robin homosexuals while
the Incredible Hulk goes around showing his penis envy all green of
jealousy. Instead we will have an official CoN comix strips, called
the "Thursday@CoNmix" where we'll display rather unusual cartoons.
We will announce it to our readership as soon as it will be online.
Talking about comics, I'd like to make a comment about Dilbert.
Before I started working in this office, I never really understood
the humour behind it. In fact I would read them and wonder if I had
left my sense of humour by my bed, next to the dentures. That was
until I started working part-time at a certain company. I began to
see strange patterns develop in the everyday life at the office and
found them strange. The strangest thing of them all was seeing them
reproduced in Dilbert's comic strip. At first I was laughing, since
I could finally catch the dark humour. Now I scream in fear.
Just as an example, the other day my phone was removed. Apparently
it is against company policy to have a phone if you don't need one
for work. Management even had a meeting over why I had a phone. When
I asked why my phone had been removed, I was lead in many different
directions, but never told the true reason. I hope they don't take
my chair away now since I stole this from the "chair cemetery", a
huge pile of chairs stashed at the very back of our large room, and
they might realize that is not company policy for me to have wheels
on my chair since I don't need to wheel myself around.
Another girl I work with was more fortunate than I. Instead of
taking her phone away, they reduced the cord of a few feet, so now
the phone is further away from her. She was told that this was had
been done because they liked the phone there better. The truth was
that because she forgot to make one change on some work, they
decided that it happened since "she spends too much time on the
phone." Two and a half feet less of phone cord will now solve the
problem and increase the overall productivity. Brilliant, huh?
If you think their logic is a little faulty, I can only say it's
improving. For a good year and a half, they had an half ass monkey
up in marketing screwing us over and making us lose a ton of money.
The funny part was that everyone in management knew, but never did
anything about it since "he was cheap." Oh, and he had a phone.
You can visit Dilbert at United Media's homepage at:
http://www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert/.
I wish you all a wonderful Thanksgiving although we should always be
grateful of what we have. Please don't reply with one of those
messages stating you don't believe in God and therefore you have
nothing to celebrate nor thank. Be grateful you still have your
phone, chair, and people around you that have done something special
for you. I'll leave you with the last message I got from freak-
woman. Have a great one.
Date sent: Sun, 12 Oct 1997 12:42:44 -0700 (PDT)
To: leandro@capnasty.org
From: Bronwyn Mitchell
Subject:
Leandro when are we going to get your next issue off cap nasty
magazine I'm dying to read it here.
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2. Cereal Killer: The Dog-Eat-Dog World of Cereal Mascots
by Jason MacIsaac
It's not easy being a star, now matter how little, or how big. The
price of fame must be paid if you're an A-list actor, or a cereal
mascot.
The Trix Rabbit: The Trix Rabbit has seen his share of scandal. The
recent arrest of a notorious Hollywood madam and the subsequent
publishing of her "Little Black Book" in a national tabloid has lead
to many lawsuits for defamation of character. These lawsuits and
public opinion turned against the Rabbit when he was caught speeding
in his Mercedes with prostitute Divine Brown and six kilos of
cocaine. Hack comedians have had a field day with the Trix Rabbit,
his line "Silly Rabbit, tricks are for johns" being the punchline of
many vicious jokes.
Count Chocula: Count Chocula is known as the "Martha Stewart" of the
cereal world, a ruthlessly rich and miserly man. Having virtually
destroyed his business partners Frankenberry, the Booberry Ghost and
the Fruity-Yummy-Mummy, Count Chocula no longer makes public
appearances, but continues to run his enterprise from his mansion in
Bel-Air. Children's Aid societies have attempted to get him to close
down his third-world sweatshops where 5 year old children smear
congealing chocolate milk on rice bits thirteen hours a day for 5
cents an hour, but without success. Frankenberry, Booberry Ghost,
and Fruity-Yummy- Mummy have written a best-selling, tell-all book
entitled Count Chocula: He is a Bloodsucker After All.
Toucan Sam (Froot Loops): For years a member of an endangered
species, Toucan Sam used his celebrity status to promote the
protection of such species. However, he fell in with more and more
radical causes, starting with Greenpeace. He soon dismissed their
"conservative" techniques and turned to the terrorist organization
ALA (Animal Liberation Army). In 1994, their headquarters in
Boulder, Colorado was raided by Federal Agents. Police recovered
automatic weapons and explosives, and found further evidence
implicating Toucan Sam, the Camel Cigarettes camel Joe, and Smokey
the Bear. Sam was released on parole, but during a routine police
stop in Beverly Hills, a firearm was found in his car. He was
sentenced to five years in prison, but was released after serving
two years. Sam converted to Scientology soon after, and can now be
seen conducting personality tests in the Dianetics headquarters in
New York, in between commercials.
Snap, Crackle and Pop (Rice Krispies): Though happy and lively in
public, in secret the trio hated working with each other. Snap and
Crackle were both homosexuals, and had a stormy off and on
relationship. Pop, meanwhile, was a virulent homophobe, and
concluded that he was carrying the trio. A brief solo career went
nowhere, as Pop and David Caruso appeared in a TV series that was
both a critical and Nielson's failure. Pop returned to his more
successful career, but the on set bickering became more intense.
Crackle had been seeing Tony the Tiger on the side, sending Snap
into a jealous rage, trashing Crackle's wardrobe and purposely
driving his Lambourgini into a tree. Pop meanwhile insisted that he
was the real star of the group, and demanded more money. He didn't
get it, but managed to secure contract stipulations such as never
sharing a wardrobe or changing rooms, and not having to attend
rehearsals, only showing up to the day of taping. Their uneasy
partnership continues.
Lucky (Lucky Charms): Lucky came under investigation when the
British Army raided a Northern Ireland apartment, where several
known members of the Irish Republican Army had been hiding. Lucky's
name was found in several IRA documents. When the Army produced
evidence that Lucky had been diverting money to the IRA, Lucky
agreed to act as informant in order to bargain his way into a
suspended sentence. Though the Seinn Fenn denies it, it is widely
believed that Lucky now has a million dollar price on his head for
his actions, and never goes anywhere without six bodyguards. He is
driven to the set of his commercials in a bulletproof limousine.
Sugar Bear (Sugar Crisp): In secret, Sugar Bear battled a long- time
substance abuse problem. His doctors expressed their first concerns
when they discovered Sugar Bear was scooping "the other kind of
sugar" on his crispy, tasty, honey-coated puffs of wheat. When it
was learned that he was freebasing sugar crisp, he was ordered by
his agent to take time off to clean up. He seemed to comply, but two
months into his sabbatical, he was admitted to L.A. County hospital
for 3rd degree burns to 60% of his body. He had been drinking
heavily, accidentally spilling vodka all over himself. He then
attempted to freebase, igniting his clothes. He underwent
reconstructive facial surgery and was ordered by a judge to enter
rehab. He continues his battle with the addiction.
The Cinnamon Toast Crunch Bakers: Corporate cutbacks at General
Mills made it necessary to reduce headcount, so two of the three
bakers were laid off. The first could not take the rejection, and
died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound two months later, alone and
unemployed. Drugs and alcohol were a factor. The youngest of the
crowd left show business entirely, went back to school and received
a degree in business. He now has a successful career selling Saturns
at a dealership in California. The remaining baker, the plump
balding one, could not handle the workload created by the absence of
two people. He was admitted to the Betty Ford clinic for addiction
to uppers and painkillers after suffering a nervous breakdown. He
was fired soon afterwards, but sued for wrongful dismissal. Lawyers
for General Mills and the baker quietly settled out of court. The
baker was presented with an undisclosed severance payment.
The Honey Nut Cheerios Bee: Seemingly leading a life of luxury and
happiness, the Honey Nut Cheerios Bee stunned the world when during
the filming of a commercial, he was beaten to the taste of Nuts n'
Honey for the umpteenth time, and went on a murderous rampage. He
picked up a .45 and began shooting. Two cameramen were killed, and
so was the co-star of the commercial, who had beaten the Bee to the
taste of Nuts n' Honey on a pair of in-line skates, while the Bee
accidentally ran into the back of a garbage truck. Police
sharpshooters eventually shot and killed the Bee, but not before
four were dead and two were wounded. Survivors reported that the Bee
sang "It's that fucking taste of honey, with a crunch that's goddamn
nutty...It's a bitch of an O..." throughout the 50 minute ordeal.
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3. ... not to trust is better
by Peter Fung
It was only last week when my girlfriend and I were walking home
when somebody I recognized came up to us and asked me if he could
borrow some money so he could get a taxi so he can see his
girlfriend's grandmother who was rushed to the hospital earlier. (so
he says) I remembered this individual from my days at grade school.
I was contemplating the request at which he said he would return the
money tomorrow. I gave him the money, $20 and that night I really
pondered hard at what I did. Was his story a load of crock or true?
Unfortunately to my dismay, it was the latter. The next day when I
was out getting my computer serviced with my girlfriend and her
brother Ben. I called home to relay a message from my sister who
called, my mom mentioned some unkempt individual arrived at our
door, looking for me and asking to borrow money from her. At this, I
was not very amused. I was f**king pissed! This acquaintance neither
returned the money or gave any explanation and had the nerve to ask
my mother for money. Who the hell is he? After hanging up, my
girlfriend knew something was wrong, from my expression I had. I
wanted to beat the hell out of this guy!
I eventually cooled down at dinner with her aunt, which made me
forget about my troubles. Afterwards, I returned home at received a
phone call from him. I was just fortunately he didn't arrive in
person, I would have kicked his ass. He told me he arrived at my
house and did not say anything about trying to borrow money from my
mom. He then gave a story about getting his check now, at 11:30pm
and needing money to get a taxi and getting it cashed. I told him he
would not receive anymore money or help from me and not to call me.
He then wanted to come over and talk about it which I refused for
his own safety, because I would beat the living f**king sh*t out of
him, if he did. At this point, my thoughts went to where my brother
put part of a pool cue (the larger end) just in case he didn't
listen. At this point I slammed receiver on him and thought myself a
fool in trusting someone I knew. I asked my girlfriend who was over
and heard the entire conversation, if I am too trusting or just a
fool. She just came over and held me, which I needed very badly a
this point.
Why do people lie? Especially the ones you know. If they needed
money why don't they just ask for it? Why lie about returning it
when they don't? I learned the hard way that you can't really trust
anybody except those you care dearly about. Now I am hardened and
less forgiving to those who lie and less generous to the homeless
due to one person's act of dishonesty. This doesn't mean I wouldn't
give a good friend a couple bucks. I just have to be on my guard
more than usual.
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4. Reasons Why Your Personal Website Bites
by Rob Glass
Hello children of the cheese. We get alot of mail here at the Cheese
Factory from people who have websites that ask "Why don't people
visit my website?" Well it's time to be brutally frank and run down
the list of why some people's personal websites bite, and some tips
on how to make them better.
1 Don't Put Pictures Of Your Personal Belongings On Your Website-
Why is it that everytime I visit somebody's website they have some
silly little line such as.. "Hi my name is nick, and I drive a van.
Click here if you would like to see a picture of my van." No one
wants to see a stupid picture of your '77 chevy love machine. Oh and
howabout..." I have a cat named Dooky. Click here to see a picture
of dooky." Uhhhhh do you think there are people whose lives are sad
enough to seek comfort in a friggen picture of your cat? Please
people remember, if your going to put pictures on your website make
sure they're pictures of semi nude models or fights in bars. That's
what the kids want to see!
2 Don't Use Your Name For The Title Of Your Website With The Word
Fun Attached- If your going to name your website please refrain from
using titles such as "Mike's Fun Website." People don't give a rat's
pooper what Mike finds fun. A title for a website should try to draw
the viewer in or at least mislead them! A cool title for a website
would be "Crazy Nate's House Of Girls And Farm Animals." Even if the
site doesn't contain any of that stuff at least you have the person
stuck in your site. You can worry about explaining the title later.
3 People Don't Need To Know You Too Well!- Okay I understand if you
would like to let people know about you, and who you are, but we
have to draw the line somewhere. Don't put.....
Mike Thompson
Age- 23
35 Linefield Road Medfield Mass
(504) 444-4442
Credit Card Number- 4454-323-2323
Social Security Number- 3442-34-3343
Number Of Weeks Spent At A State Hospital- 23
Favorite Movie- Howard The Duck
Now the only problem with this one is he admitted he actually liked
Howard The Duck. It's okay to put your credit card number online
because it shows that you trust people enough to let them use your
credit card occasionally to buy stuff... as long as they pay you
back of course. We're all honest... right people?
4 Don't Make A Website If Your Just Going To Have A Bunch Of Links
To Other Websites- If your going to make a website don't make a site
with a bunch of links to other pages...
Hi My Name Is Lisa And Here Are My Favorite Places To Visit...
Elvis Month!
ARCHIVES
Why would someone visit a website if they knew that person was just
going to show them other websites they like. You don't even know the
person why would you care where they like to visit? If your going to
have a website at least have a couple of sections with your thoughts
on something.
5 If Your Just Going To Have A Site Full Of Links... Just Make Sure
The "CHEESE FACTORY OF FUN AND LOVE" Is At The Top Of Your List- At
least people will know you have taste.
6 One Picture Of You On Your Website Is Enough- Please refrain from
having a site that looks like....
Hi My Name Is Mike. Click here to see a picture of me Mike's Stupid
Picture. Click here to see a picture of me in Europe Some More Of
Mike's Stupid Pictures. Click here to see a picture of me in my Van
And Yet Another Dose Of Mike's Stupid Pictures.
One picture of you is enough.
Well that's about all for today's lesson. Please feel free to write
to me about life or fast cars... Mojorisenn@aol.com
This article appears courtesy of Rob Glass and The Cheese Factory
http://members.aol.com/VoodooCh1/wywbb.html
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5. Arranged marriages
by Davinder Sangha
Currently, I am twenty-three years old and being the oldest of four
siblings my parents have started to hunt down for a son-in-law.
Nevertheless, my parents are aware of my views, but insist that they
know what's best for me. Although I have lived in Canada all my life
and have adopted perhaps a different mentality that they have, I
have managed to delay this ongoing process and continue my journey
in life the way I want it to be.
The term arranged marriage is thought of being an image of two
people meeting for the first time, on the day of their wedding
night, and they have no choice but to marry the person selected by
their parents. Most arranged marriages allow for meetings between
the future partners, and are given the a chance to view if the
selected person is compatible for them.
When parents are selecting a mate for their child, they pay great
attention to religion, education background, family background and
especially social class. If the future mate does not follow in any
of the above categories then he or she is rejected.
Being an East Indian woman I disapprove with this concept.
Although, individuals are able to meet with their future spouse, the
individual cannot be themselves because of the family involvement.
Therefore, one has to put on an act for the other party. Personally,
I believe that in the past generations arranged marriage worked well
because individuals remained together for the sake of family, and if
the marriage didn't work the individuals always had the excuse of
blaming their parents.
Personally I don't think that arranged marriages work anymore,
especially when the kids have lived and have been in contact with
different views everyday of their life. Fortunately, many "mother-
in-laws" that came to see me have found my looks unsatisfying. They
don't like the clothes I wear or find my hair to be too short since
it goes down only past my shoulders rather than my lower back.
Mostly however do not like my independent personality: they want a
submissive woman that will obey both husband and mother-in-law
without ever complaining. I'm sorry, but I have a personality
I don't blame my parents for what they are doing. I know they are
doing it because they love me and care about me and want to be sure
that I'll be well taken care of once they are gone. I'm sure however
that eventually they will come around and accept that sometimes not
all traditions can be enforced.
Life is a constant change, and after all, this is my life.
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A survey in USA Today reveals that 65% of people would tell someone
if he or she had food stuck in his or her teeth. Seventy four
percent said the survey people at USA Today have way, way too much
time on their hands.
