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Capital of Nasty Vol. 02 Issue 01
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume II, Issue I, Year AD MCMXCVII
Monday, January 6th, 1997
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"It's Christmas, we don't like it, but it's a good excuse
to go to church and pray for some peace."
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1. Welcome back.
2. Top Ten Episodes With Vile "Q" Puns Just Waiting to Happen
3. Mars Attacks!
4. Cybersex
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1. Welcome back.
And so here is the year 1997, and CoN starts again from Issue I
but this time from Volume II. While the new year brings new changes
to the format of CoN and the future development of the magazine, we
have to remember that just because 96 is over, it's just a number.
Things don't necessarely get worse, nor better because a year is gone.
We must take each day as it comes and work hard as if it was the first
and last day of our lives. In the mean time we'll continue publishing
CoN to the best of our abilities, and eventhough it mostly contains
stuff taken from other sources, we are slowly trying to figure out an
identity and a character that will define CoN and make it different,
original and allow it to stand out from the crowd of other little
e-zines like ours that grow like mushrooms on the Internet.
A question to our readers: what would you like to see in the
future issues of CoN? Let us know. After all CoN is your magazine.
Oh, and we were not trying to create a dramatic effect by delaying
this week's publication. We're just late.
-- Leandro (ordnael@freenet.hut.fi)
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Almost all of the Star Trek episodes that feature Q has some sort of pun,
such as "Q-Pid" or "Deja-Q." Some of them cute, others lame lame lame.
What the Hell, for example, is "Hide and Q."
2. Top Ten Episodes With Vile "Q" Puns Just Waiting to Happen
by Jason MacIsaac (jason@ifront.com)
10. "Suzie Q" featuring John DeLancie attending a screening of The Rocky
Horror Picture Show dressed as Doctor Frank N. Furter. Crusher and Picard
strip down to their underwear and do the Time Warp. The audience screams
"Slut!" whenever Troi appears on screen, and "Asshole!" whenever Riker
appears. Worf is not amused.
9. "IQ." Q becomes the host of a murderous version of Jeopardy. Riker
fails to respond in the form of a question and so Q turns him into a bearded
Mollusk.
8. "Ten-Q." Q runs around the Enterprise asking everyone "What's five Q
plus five Q?" Whenever someone answers "Ten-Q," Q cries, "Oh, you're
welcome!" and laughs uncontrollably. Worf is not amused.
7. "Q&A" Q hosts a mid-morning talk-show. Topics include "You Beamed Me
Into A Cesspool and Now We're Splitsville" and "You Cheated on Me With A
Klingon And Tribble, So I Cheated on You With a Pakled and A Denebian Slime
Devil."
6. "Q-Ball." Q takes the form of a pool hustler and challenges Captain
Janeway to a game of Boston for possession of the Voyager. Janeway
consults a holodeck simulation of Minnesota Fats (special guest Jackie
Gleason) for tips. Q defaults the game by reversing the gravitational
constant of the universe and ripping the felt.
5. "Singin' the Qs" Q forms a Rhythm and Blues combo and tours various
seedy bars throughout the Galaxy.
4. "Q Grit" Q creates a Western mock-up where he's a hard-drinkin' cussin'
outlaw. Sheriff Picard must face him at High Noon. How can a six-gun take
down a being who is a non-event with a probability of zero?
3. "Q Velvet" Q watches the films of David Lynch, including Blue Velvet
and Twin Peaks, hoping that his 2,005 IQ will help him understand them. Q
is later admitted to the A Continuum. (A for "Asylum.")
2. "Q-bert" Captain Picard discovers a way to finally rid the Enterprise
of the omnipotent pest by getting him addicting to an early '80s arcade game.
And
1. On Deep Space Nine: "DS: I Love Q." Worf is not amused.
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3. Mars Attacks!
by Peter Sprokkelenburg (psprokk@wiznet.ca)
Mars Attacks!
By: Peter Sprokkelenburg
Classic.
That exactly what this movie is, a classic demonstration of Tim
Burtons expertise. He is a geneious.
All the main actors (except for Tom Jones -damn!) get blown away. Some
of it is a bit sappy...but hey the effects are great.
The funny thing is that this movie doesn't take itself seriously...
unlike INDEPENDANCE DAY. Which if it did, could mean the end of humor.
The plot line is a bit weak..not very but a little. A few
inconsistancy through out but I leave those for you to find ;).
The only way I found myself thing about any movie, in particular the
ones that have been made within the last year or two, was to see them
a couple of times, each time looking at it from a different
perspective.
All in all I found this movie a great combination of old written
sci-fi and new animation.
Definately a must see!
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4. Cybersex
Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately
known as "cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared
through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll
see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of
an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then
again, maybe he does...
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high
heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements
are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a
pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I'm also wearing a
T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it
smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the
stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into
your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and
begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides
off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a
hole in your blouse.I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black bra.My soft
breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck.
Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching back
undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my
breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting
the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your
tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know,
breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling
your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and
phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of
my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a
plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your
hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over,
in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling
through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet.
And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost.
Where's the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so
badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked
bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the
glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room
and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for
the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but
I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry
again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in
your...you know...woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your
neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand
it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on
my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all
floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my
underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table.
I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray,
picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of
our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing
at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Sweetheart: <logged off>
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