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BLaH Ý ß Ý ÜßÜ Ý Ý
File ÝßÜ Ý Ý ÝßÝÜÝ Written Oct. 1st, 1992
#033 Ý Ýig Ýong Üßß Ýnd Ý Ýairy
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Presents
Ú ÄÄ ¿
"Freeze! Mall Vice!"
³ by ³
Constantine
À ÄÄ
"Hey, hey, we're the Lemmings,
Animals born to die."
--John Velousis, "The Lemmings"
Most of you have heard of the tragic events that befell the innocent
hacker/shoppers at this year's Summercon-- they were driven from the sacred
confines by a swarm of security goons, who set upon them because they dared
to violate a Mall Commandment concerning "wearing clothing (in this case,
hats) in the manner it is meant to be worn".
BLaH scientists are currently trying to find a creature more pathetic
and useless than the mall security guard. They're still looking.
After all, these are people, generally way too overweight and out
of shape to have a REAL police or security job, charged with the task of
"protecting" a rather repulsive institution. These are men who dreamed of
being supercops and saving the world. Now, they spend their days warning
Muffy and Buffy not to drink out of the toilets and chasing six-year-old
skateboarders away from the handicapped ramps.
Are they pissed? You betcha.
They seem to hate anyone with a brighter future than themselves,
that is, most people. Teenagers are rarely aware of their legal rights,
making them easy prey for Schnooks In Uniform.
Will they harass you? You betcha.
Fortunately, as an undergrounder (and hopefully a supporter of
Social Violence), you are smarter than 99.8% of the average zombies shuffling
around any given shopping mall. You have resources available to you that
the enemy does not, namely more than two brain cells to rub together and
a wide sociopathic streak. That's all you need.
So you and your droogs are hanging about in your local mall,
viddying the malachicks when Officer Krupke [always patronize them, raising
their self esteem just a tad by calling them 'officer' the way they've always
dreamed of.. ahh.. 'youngsters calling ME 'officer'? It's like a choclately
dream come true!'] waddles up and threatens to eject you for violating
Commandment 26, "Thou shalt not stand in one place for more than five minutes".
As obeying him is NOT an option for those who value self-dignity, there are a
few useful techniques you can use to turn the tables...
-+LEGAL BULLSHIT
"I'm sorry, sir, but Illinois state regulation 11-42-69 clearly
denotes such rules as unconstitutional and unenforceable."
This rarely works, but it's a hell of a lot of fun if you can
keep a straight face. Make sure to use lots of long words and legalese;
it doesn't have to make sense, because your average mallcop knows next
to nothing about real law.
You will probably be thrown out anyway, but at least you get a
few minutes of utterly destroying your attacker's self-esteem (which
wasn't all that hot to begin with).
-+MISDIRECTION
"Maybe you should be more concerned with those two guys shoving
CDs down their pants in Overpriced Records."
While the vigilant security guard performs a body cavity search
on the unfortunate scum you singled out, you move to another part of the
mall. This works ONCE. After that, shift to tactic #3:
-+CONFUSION
"Can you PROVE we're wearing hats?"
Render the guard speechless with spurious logic, providing serious
laughs until he tosses you out on your ass. Some useful lines include:
"This is a designer hat from Pakistan-- it IS meant to be worn
backwards."
"Yes, but I don't see what this has to do with the hemmorhoid
epidemic."
"I wore it to get your attention, officer. You see, I've loved
you for so long..."
["Well, according to Descartes, nothing is really certain because we
cannot trust the senses. The only thing we can trust that exists is thought.
We think, therefore we are. Unfortunately, dear sir, you don't exist. Neither
does this thing that a non-existent being calls a 'hat'. And since you don't
exist, that jump from the top flight of stairs won't hurt you at all..."]
As you can see, when dealing with turnip-brains, it's hard to lose.
Just keep your wits about you and let THEM provide the laughs. After all,
if you're going to get thrown out anyway, you might as well go in style.
{---End of File.. Safe-T-ShumbDit says "5922" Bytes Total------------------}
yummy.. this file goes out to aristotle, who still refuses to acknowledge
Connie's existence ;). And yes, all of this shit starting with the End of File
line and all of the shit in brackets is added by me.. gweed... no censorship
here, my good [fnord]s!
708-251-5094 Nun-Beaters Anonymous - BLaH WHQ [IL]
708-965-8965 Carbon Nation [IL]
305-927-3028 The Insane Asylum [FL]
419-475-3089 The Realm Of Death [OH]
819-778-0454 Brain Damage [QC]
{---Colombus Day is coming! Be on the look for BLaH's Tribute to The-------}
{---original Nazi, Chrissy Poo Colombus!-----------------------------------}
