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File ÝßÜ Ý ÜÝ ÝßÝÜÝ Written March 21, 1994
#045 Ý Ýig Ýong ÜßÝ Ýnd Ý Ýairy
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Presents
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"Gentlemen Prefer Feminists"
³ by ³
Guido Sanchez
À ÄÄ Ù
Intro:
=-=-=-
Okay, so as anyone who saw Sarlo and I on ChicagoLand TV News serenading
a fundamentalist christian with our testosterone-laden version of "every
sperm is sacred" knows, I am an activist. Sometimes I generalize and
advocate this cause over the other, but usually it's them sensitive 90s
issues that intrigue me.. be it pro-choice, pro-woman, pro-gay,
pro-child neglect, it really doesn't matter what the cause is.. the fact
of the matter is I'm starved for attention and really need to get out
more. Some guys go to church, some go to bars, and still others turn to
#h0tlatinluv on IRC to pick up wimmin.. but me, I go to feminist
rallies..
Chycks -N- Bytchs:
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Don't get me wrong, I'm still a 90s kinda guy.. P.C. and all that.. but
when I was talking a few issues ago about looking for patterns and
acting on them later, I was serious.. and in my 4 years of attending
clinic defense sessions and Pro-Woman rallies, I've gleaned two crucial
concepts concerning relationships and sex. First, losing your virginity
apparently hurts a lot.. and second, chycks dig angry youth who are more
enraged at Da Man than they are. It's the classic 80s and before attitude
that women like it when you take charge modded for modern times...
namely, gRRRls get off on letting the guy assert authority in these
matters.. it's a perverse twist on the classic feminist theme, but hey,
who am I to dispute social mores? Only thing I can do is exploit it and
make it work to my advantage. And for mindfuck fans such as myself, it's
no longer become a question of merely forcing myself on the average
angry teenage NOW member, but convincing her that she really wants it to
the point where I coyly play hard to get and whisper things like "are
you sure this is what you want?" when I damn well know that if the
answer were no I'd go on anyway.. it's all a question of making a girl
believe SHE'S making the choice.. that mixed in with the thrill of the
deception would give any man a sense of accomplishment.. the feeling
that this orgasm was earned.. and we leave those stained sheets on the
bed like a badge.. a badge that shows CONTROL.. a badge that indicates
HONOR.. a badge that screams, hey.. I'm a 90s kind of guy who can give
you a 90s kind of orgasm... hot day-amn!
If you don't wanna be raped, just consent
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
And the beauty of this beast, fellow BLaHsters, is the SHIT I GET AWAY
WITH in the face of feminists.. I can make as many sexist jokes as I
like and my sisters in oppression will laugh heartily because they know
"how I really feel" about such issues. Maybe it's singing chauvanist
songs advocating teen anorexia like "You're Too Fat For Me" ['We weighed
her on the slaughterhouse scales / she tipped in at one-oh-three. / Find
yourself a new man, bitch / cause you're too fat for me' Lyrics
reprinted by permission of The BLaH Experience, send 2$ for a demo tape
to address below] or telling battered wife jokes, it doesn't seem to
matter. Once you're in, nothing seems to piss them off. I must admit,
the first Woman's Day I ever went to downtown at the urging of a friend
of mine <'hey let's go pick up some chycks downtown.. I know just the
place'> I only went to because I figured all the Women of Chicago were
going to get together and cook all the Men a big meal or something..
imagine my surprise when I was handed a placard and a chant sheet with
catchy songs like "2,4,6,8 / how do you know your gramma's straight" and
the like.. I figured all the marching was building up to some climax,
and the only reason there were other guys there too is that they were
expecting like a mass footrub session after this lengthy 8 block march.
I was sadly disappointed when we arrived at a lecture hall and sat and
listened to these ugly old women talk about being raped and stuff..
telling myself that they should be so lucky to still get any action at
their age.. funny thing is, after I'm finished writing this I'll
probably show it to all my feminist friends and they'll laugh and laugh,
assuming I wrote it as a joke or something and never suspecting it to be
the sort of dark confession it's turning out to be.. but it's more than
that.. it's advice to guys who, like me, are physically painful to look
at and need that extra edge to achieve any reasonable semblance of a
lovelife and must resort to needless deception to make up for my many
male inadequacies. What a perfect leadin..
Guilt: My aphrodisiac of choice
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
after the initial revulsion and boredom that follows a few seminars
where you learn that you, having a penis, ARE in fact, the devil.. wear
it like a badge and the babez will line up around the block.. guilt is a
priceless commodity in the world of the sensitive guy.. bathe yourself
in it until women see your aura of penitence is as golden as the highway
they will soon pave to that sacred temple twixt their legs.. some other
helpful behavioral tips include
- cry often
- get angry even more often
- be vulnerable
- become easily provoked
- learn to see indications of a male dominated society in even the most
innocent things.. such as..
: Mother : hah, the very title implies that her only function is
to cater to her children, mostly male.. what about HER
needs?
: Science : Scientists are rapists of Mother Nature! The goal of
Science is to gain knowledge of Nature, and DO YOU SEE
HER CONSENTING? DO YOU?
: Flowers : pistels AND stamen? with all of these mixed
messages, how can you expect them to be comfortable with
their sexuality? THEY'RE _AMERICAN_ FLOWERS, DAMMIT, AND
THEY HAVE RIGHTS TOO!
: Semantics : History? WHAT ABOUT _HER_STORY, HUH? Who cares
about the original greek roots! And then there's
HISPANIOLA... WHAT ABOUT HERSPANIOLA?!?! dammit, I'm
pissed <grr>
- ask girls about their periods and childbirth with a wistful look in
your eyes.
- Listen to gRRl music <Liz Phair, Bikini Kill, L-7, Babes in Toyland,
Tori Amos, etc>
Don't Let It Get To Your Head
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
If you follow my How-To advice you're sure to score some snatch that
comes equipped with a zipper and a lock, and will quickly get bored with
how easy it will become to do so. My advice is then to expand your
horizons, maybe do some volunteer work with national feminist
organizations and branch out to other groups filled with women who are
easily preyed upon by men who can earn their sympathy.. Amnesty
International is such a haven, and ANY Animal Rights group.. <PETA,
MEoW, etc> is a good place to start. But be careful. These tactics are
_not_ for every wacko fringe group. What works on your average
mainstream university campus sob group isn't necessarily going to work
at a national meeting of Sisters For Socialism.. be versatile in
your vulnerabilities, exercise caution around AIDS activists.. and while
attending your more "alternative lifestyle" oriented protests, beware:
what makes you attract to females most definitely makes you attractive to
males.. when they see you standing all alone at a Queer Nation Rally,
expect several invitations to keep you warm on a cold blustery Chicago
afternoon. It's always a good plan to say you're Bi, but predominantly
hetero because you just got out of a relationship that "hurt you real bad".
Keep in mind that it's the little things that make or break the angry 90s
activist guy.. whether it's remembering to spell women with a y or making
an offhanded reference to your recent AIDS testing <"just to be sure..
there's no orgasm worth dying for!">, you've got to let these people know
what kind of wonderful person you are without letting them know you're
aware of it.
Your Brothers In Deception
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Let it be known that in the world of exploiting the gullible, there are
no children here. If you spot another guy infiltrating much in the same
way you are or have already, tolerance is not possible. You must expose
him for what he his and expell him from the group. Not only does this
ensure that he will not damage your position in good standing with the
group, but it will also make you look good in front of your sheep. In a
global community where sharing and compassion are doctrines for a better
tomorrow, your only shield is staunch territorialism. Mark it well lest
ye be overthrown.
Gender Bias? I think not
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Right about now I just might write something <whoah! and you just might
read it!> about the endless possibilities for females to commit the very
same despicable and self-deprecating acts written above for male
entertainment.. but I seriously doubt the competence of a female mind
when it comes to comprehending such mental processes. Ain't misogyny
grand?
fin. <----- limiting male stereotype of dolphins, equating fish
protrusion to a PENIS
{-Best thing about fucking a 12 yr old girl? Hearing the pelvic bone crack-}
Coming soon from BLaH Crackers, Inc., Ltd. : Safe-T-NutZ NT : the 32 bit
utility for 2 bit tfiles..
Nun-Beaters Anonymous <708> 251-5094
The Obloid Sphere <708> 965-3098
BLaH : If _you_ don't look good, sue your parents.
{-Worst thing about fucking a bald chyck? Taking the diaper off------------}
