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File ÝßÜ Ý ÜÝ ÝßÝÜÝ Written March 27th, 1993
#042 Ý Ýig Ýong ÜßÝ Ýnd Ý Ýairy
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Presents
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"The BLaH Field Guide to Lampreys"
³ by ³
Nyarlathotep
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The BLaH Field Guide
to
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õAMPREYS
(Ewwww!)
Hey, you all probably know what a lamprey is, right? Those
eel-like creatures that grapple onto other fish and suck their blood.
Well, as of late I have beem stuck on the nasty beasties. I think its
because they scare the shit out of me. Well. anyways, on to the guide!
APPEARANCE:
The average common lamprey looks basically like an eel- long
snakelike body, no paired fins, etc. However the lamprey lacks jaws.
Instead it posseses a suction cup-like mouth with rings of sharp
spike-like teeth on the inside. The mouth basically looks like the
creature in the desert of Tatooine in Return of the Jedi (the one where
Jabba, who CAN'T jump wants to throw Luke, Han...) ANother difference is
that the lamprey only has one nostril, located on the top of its head.
FEEDING HABBITS:
As stated earlier lampreys feed by sucking the blood of other
animals. They do this by sticking to theie prey's skin with their mouth,
and grappling with the teeth. They then use their 'rasping' tongue to
carve a hole in the victim and suck their blood. YUM YUM! Basically
they try to attack weak, wounded or sick prey. Nasty as they are, they
don't even adminster an anesthetic. This means that fish caught on a
hook or in a net are prime meals. If you ever catch a fish with a
lamprey KILL the nasty beast by any means possible, but please try not
to touch it. It'll make me feel better. Oh, and throw the
contaminated fish back.
Life Cycle:
The life cycle of these creatures is really quite strange. After
mating the female lays eggs which congregate into a strange meat-like
substance. This stuff is often harvested by humans, canned and called
SPAM. Yes, careful analysis has shown that SPAM is the lamprey Larval
stage. See for yourself! Open a can and let it sit around for a few
weeks, you'll be amazed to see the lamprey larva grow and grow until it
finally metamorphisizes into the disgusting adult stage. It's more fun
than Sea Monkeys.
Habitat:
The average, normal common lamprey lives in water, from lakes to
oceans. Yes, they live in Lake Michigan. EWWWWW!!!!
OTHER INFORMATION:
Thats the basic information for the average lamprey. It is now
time to talk about variations and relatives of the horrid beasties. As
for common creatures the closest living relative is the hagfish. These
are even uglier, but do not scare me.
However there are strange variations of the common lamprey. I
will catalogue a number of them, including as much information as I have
been able to get.
LESSER LAND LAMPREY- This is basically a variant that has adopted a
terrestrial lifestyle (ie lungs, fast cars, hot babes etc.) They move in
a snake-like fashion. They feed primarily on rodents and lagomorphs
(probably becuse they wish they too could be cute). They have been known
to hunt in groups, however, and attack larger prey en masse. They should
be killed on site.
GREATER LAND LAMPREY- These horrid creatures are derivatives of the
lesser land lampreys (they need bigger cars of course). They appear the
same, except on a far larger scale. They have been known to reach
lengths of up to 18 feet long and weigh up to 500 pounds.
These ferocious creatures' favorite prey is deer. They do not
move very fast but rely on camoflage to catch them. They raise their
body vertically and disguise themselves as a tree. When deer come along
it slams down and grapples the deer with its sucker mouth. In a few
minutes all thats left is a bloodless corpse.
These creatures are predominantly solitary, but congregrate for
mating. They do not hunt during the mating frenzies, but kill intruders
on sight.
One of the worst things about these beasts is that they are
incredibly difficult to kill. Their internals are large and spread out
so a bullet wound is not usually serious. Their tough skin delfects most
small calibre ammunition and buckshot. Military Flechette shotgun shells
are highly effective. Their skin is also proof against most acids and
fire, for at least a short time.
They live wherever deer populations are high. They also thrive
in areas with lots of cattle, which they also seem to enjoy. The recent
cattle mutilations in the southwest have been attributed by top
scientists to this sort of lamprey. If going on a hunting expedition,
such as those promoted by The BLaH Institute for Cephalocide, be sure
to obtain effective weaponery, and please, DON'T go alone.
TWO HEADED GLOW-IN-THE-DARK LAMPREY- I have only heard one report of
this creature. It is likely that it was a one-of-a-kind mutation.
Especially since it was sighted in Lake Michigan in the waters
surrounding the Zion Nuclear Power Plant.
MENTAL LAMPREY- These creatures are able to survive in both terrestrial
and aquatic enviroments (what studs!), like lungfish. It can easily be
distinguished from a common lamprey by its goldish skin color and the two
barbels near its mouth. Not easily seen is that its tongue is no longer
'rasping' but instead has a soft pad-like end.
These bizarre, supernaturalish creatures do not feed on blood as
others of their family. Rather they feed on the brainwaves of animals.
They do so by attaching to their victim's head via their mouths (they are
able to leap tall buildings in a single bound). They place their tongue
and barbels against the skin and somehow, by unknown means, drain the
victim's brainwaves. Side effects include loss of intelligence, amnesia,
paralysis and death, depending on how long they feed. They prefer
sentient creatures, such as humans and llamas to animalistic prey. They
are cunning and are known to hunt in groups. There are unsubstantiated
rumors that they possess some sort of telekinetic power which enables
them to herd humans like cattle into their feeding ranges, called
_killplains_ in the advanced tongue of these lampreys.
Killing one of these is near impossible. Thier hide is proof
against blade and bullet. Acid is also no use. Direct explosions and
large, extremely hot fires are the only common ways to kill them.
Certain exotic weapons such as techno and house music may also work.
These creatures dwell mainly in the extreme northern US and
Canada, but have been known to venture as far south as Kentucky.
GIANT DESERT LAMPREY- It is conjectured that these huge monstrosities
200 yards long with mouths 50 feet in diameter dwell in deserts. They
live buried upside down in the sand with only their mouths exposed
(like Return of the Jedi) They are carnivorous.
ABOLETH- These creatures, the bane of adventurers everywhere may be
advanced forms of lampreys.
I hope this guide is informative and useful. Any further
inquiries or information should be directed to Nyarlathotep.
Grandmaster of among other things, Lampreys, at The BLaH Institute
for Cephalocide.
(Special thanks to James Hetfield and Count Zero for facts contained
herein)
{---End Of File. Almost as scary as lampreys.---}
Congrats to the newest BLaH Prez, Nyarlathotep, from whom we expect more
lamprey crap.
BLaH <sigh>ts
The Battle Of Evermore <312>476-1508
The Obloid Sphere <708>965-3098
Nun-Beaters Anonymous <708>251-5094
Wanna join BLaH? Find the BLAH-APP.TXT file at the local BLaH sights and
see if YOU've got the Blight Stuff.
{--Everybody Wang Chung Tonite!---}
