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blah-cum
Ü ÜßÝ Ü Ü Ü
Written: ßÝ ßÝ Ý Ý Ý More
Ý Û Ý Ý Ý
March 15th,1993 Ý ß Ý ÜßÜ Ý Ý Now
ÝßÜ Ý ÜÝ ÝßÝÜÝ
Ý Ýigger! Ýonger! ÜßÝ Ýnd! Ý Ýairier! Than
Ý Ý Ý Þ Ý Ý Ý
ÝÜß ÝÜÜÝ ßÜÜßÞ ÜÝ ÞÜ Ever!
Presents!
Ú ÄÄ ¿
"BLaH Ejaculation"
³ by ³
Guido Sanchez, Constantine, and Lemuel
À ÄÄ Ù
:p (r3-N-T/>0 ])u/<shUn) q:
-=BLaH Inc.=-
Well, here we are. The long awaited BLaH Return.. we haven't released
anything in maybe 4 months. Frankly, it depresses me. I always did like
BLaH because what we wrote may not have been funny to others, or even
ourselves, but at the time that it was written it was the funniest thing
in the world to me or whoever else wrote it <probably Connie that
showoff>. That was the big appeal for me, the reason that I started BLaH
these 7 months ago; we were spontaneous, we were original, and people
liked this <i think>. And we're still here. Things have happened to us,
people have been arrested, boards have been taken down, but the
collective [egotistical] creative [lame] force that IS BLaH remains and
is going strong [Connie forced me to do this]. ANYway.. this is sounding
too much like a lame SNL skit, and I really do hate Kevin Nealon. We've
got a very Phrackish format this time around. Tons of little gems/sperm
donated by new and old BLaH presidents alike. All of this sperm
collectively makes for the largest ejaculation every experienced by this
or any other country. The jism that IS BLaH will soon be coating every
keyboard of every computer and will cause such stickiness that the whole
system will shut down. Oooh.. how anarch-i-rad. We're Bigger, We're
Longer, We're Hairier, and We're Back.
-Guido Sanchez, BLaH Prez
:p (Table of Contents) q:
Section Author
Re-Introduction Guido Sanchez
Table of Contents Doesn't Count, but I Did It
Crap Loopback A Bunch of Ninnies
BLaH-- The Way We Were Constantine, Guido Sanchez
The Guide to BLaHNess Guido Sanchez
Interview With A Disney Addict Lemuel
The Big Book of Clergy Humor Guido Sanchez
BORG Liquidation Guido Sanchez
Clergy Abuse Seminar Notes Constantine, Guido Sanchez
St. Patricks Day Parade Notice Guido Sanchez
BLaH is : Guido Sanchez - BLaH Prez
Constantine - BLaH Prez
Lemuel - BLaH Prez
A bunch of other people with no writing talent whatsoever.
Big, Long, and Hairy
BLaH <sigh>ts include but are not limited to:
The Battle Of Evermore : 312-476-1508 : BLaH Temp-HQ!
The Obloid Sphere : 708-965-3098 : K-Rad!
Nun-Beaters Anonymous : 708-251-5094 : Down til.. umm.. sometime, but
call anyway.
There are probably others but until they get in contact with me they'll
just have to grab the new files from ripco like everyone else.
:p (Crap Loopback!) :q
Some reader response...
dear blah,
i've little in the way of chest, but there's this guy i like who
must notice me soon. his name is lemuel and i've only talked to him
once, but i've heard of some .gifs floating around of him. i really
don't believe that the rumors are true. please prove it by uploading it
to my bbs. until then, if the lemuel in blah is the real lemuel, i'd
like to talk to him. please give him my home phone number, but try not
to pass it out to too many people.
signed,
expectant
Dear Guido,
Remember that discussion we had a while ago during the '92 Fone
Sex Picnic? Remember how you were talking about how "that pissant town
of Waco, Texas should be wiped from the face of the map or I'll use it
to wipe myself"? Well, I've always secretly admired you and kind of took
that comment to heart. I and my 107 followers patiently await your
instructions on the demise of Waco. Thank you for your time.
Signed,
David Korush
P.S.: That pamphlet you wrote on becoming your own messiah, "Now You Too
Can Be The Light" worked wonders, maybe you really ARE god?
Dear BLAh!
I just love your stuff! I have up to issue 55 and put them up on
my board for download along with the viruii! Have you heard of my board?
It's called "Hell", and I just started it up a few days ago. Anyway, I
really like your stuff and found an application which I looked at and
decided to fill out because I'd really like another group sig behind my
name. What did you mean in the application by "creative"? AnywayZ, I
wrote my BLAhfile and even made an ANSi for you from my ANSi group,
SuSuSuDiO. I hope you like them both!
l8z...
The Dark One / Su-Su-SuDiO / GAP
Herez the ANSi :
áLàƵ
<the accompanying text file was a rather insightful adult tfile called
"Hey Your Mom's Really Nice" which was chock full of clever euphemisms
for the sex act and organs. There were no line feeds and the author
added a cryptic final line, "This file downloaded from RipCo", which was
obviously just added for effect.>
Dear Guido,
Where's Nun-Beaters? What happened to BLaH? I keep on calling
the phone number listed but it just keeps on ringing! What's wrong with
your modem? Do you need my init string?
Lord Whizhack
:p (BLaH-- The Way We Were) q:
So WHAT happened to us? To BLaH? To Nun-Beaters Anonymous? To that lacy
pair of underwear that my aunt gave me for Walpurgis? Well, to tell
the truth, I can't remember. There was some bullshit about how I got
bored of it, there were rumors flying about that I was a fed board, that
I was arrested. In fact just the other day I was on a chat line and some
warezwolvie was talking about NBA and saying that all of the files
available for DL were infected with viruses. THE ONLY FILES I'VE _GOT_
ARE TFILES AND VIRUSES! WHAT DO YOU EXPECT? Different things happened, I
kept in contact with some members and occasionally called out only to
receive countless email to NBA's "new" number, etc. And dammit, I had
fun doing what I did, which was mainly spread rumors about myself. What
I did will be chronicled in the future, but for now I'll let Connie out of
his cage and misconstrue everything for you all. And then it'll be my turn.
:p (According to Connie...it COULD have happened like THIS) q:
The night was dark, the kind of cool crimson blackness that settles
down with the sweet evening blues of a one-man saxophone, or the sliding of
the inky sea down by the docks on a moonlight night, or perhaps just the
overdramatic styling of a hack writer who has read one too many 1940's
detective novels.
I stood in the puddle of lamplight outside the courthouse, my
trench coat rippling in the chill wind, wishing I had a cigarrette. I
don't smoke. I just wished I had a cigarette so I could look cool
like Joe Camel. But then again, don't we all.
Clear as yesterday's metaphor, the police report came back to me...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
CHICAGO P.D. ARREST REPORT CHICAGO P.D.
September 26, 1992
12:13 AM
Suspects in Custody:
Guido Sanchez
Nowhere Man <-- attention! notorious hacker!
Chessman
Constantine
Phritz
IT
Charges:
Distributing the "Whore!" computer virus, 8 counts.
Negligent handling of literary devices, 3 counts.
Alan-Solomon-degrading, 4 counts.
Distributing anti-conformist philosophy, 42 counts.
Nun-Beating, 326 counts.
Public displays of bad taste, countless.
Killing Jimmy Hoffa, we just haven't proven it yet.
Making fun of Tipper Gore, 18 counts.
Basically begging to be arrested on obscenity charges,
35 counts.
Arresting Officer's Notes:
Just kill the little bastards.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I thought back to when the sentence was handed down, and the look
in Guido's eyes as he said, "They finally got us. The state nailed us,
man, and we'll be martyrs forever. Ride the glory trail, for the revolution
will never die!"
[Actually, I said, "I know where your family lives. Don't
incriminate me." -- GuidoNote(TM)]
Now, months later, I stood outside the courthouse as a door opened
and a familiar figure was bodily propelled out the door, over the steps and
onto the lawn in a crumpled heap. He stood, brushed off his black suit, and
blinked as if seeing the outside world for the first time.
"Guido...," said I.
"Ouch," said he. "Bad landing. What issue are we up to?"
"I've got bad news, Guido. After you got sent up the river, Nun-
Beaters Anonymous was repossessed by the phone company. [PLUG! 708-251-5094!
Keep it in yer redial queue until we're back up!] Something about 46 million
dollars in unpaid long-distance. Chessman got into the papers after he
flipped-- they called him the Hannibal Lector ["I prefer Ed Geene"--Chessman]
of the Suburbs. Nowhere Man was so broken-hearted that he deleted his VCL
2.0 files. Phritz became a nun. And IT is... Well... IT."
"It can't be," Guido said, "BLaH is dead? We didn't even make it
to the 50-issue index! And what about... The Herbster?"
"Hefty Herb is still on the loose."
He grabbed me by the lapels, shifting into a bad Mexican accent.
"Humpin' Hesus, man! Something jas to be DONE!"
"It has!" I cried, "I've made arrangements. Lady CatNinja has--"
"Lady CatNinja, the world renouned psychic mentioned briefly in
Hefty Herb part 2, still available at your local BLaH distribution
site?" [708-251-5094]
['Nuff said, true believers! -- Stan Lee]
"Yes! She's created a great data fortress called the Battle of
Evermore [312-476-1508]! And we have solace there! BLaH _will_ live on!"
"But... But it's a new and different world out there, Connie!
I mean, Tipper Gore is four heartbeats from the presidency! And the
Stormtroopers of Death are on the warpath! And Q101 keeps changing their
format!"
"We have help! It's just a matter of time before we round up all
the old members, at least the ones that are still alive, and we've got new
writers! Like Lemuel!"
Guido looked at me with a glimmer of hope in his eye.
"We can do it, can't we?"
"We sure can, skipper! Armed with the powers of irreverance,
common sense, bad taste and a complete disregard for authority, not to
mention terrible dialogue, we can put BLaH on the map again!"
We walked off into the rising sun, looking toward the new day. And
from where I stood, the morning sun looked just like a big "Bob", smiling
down upon us, pipe puffing with anticipation.
:p (...And it COULD have happened like this...) q:
"Breakfast in bed, dear?"
Guido woke up Connie with a deep sensual kiss. He patted his
bare ass and broke the lip-lock when he felt Connie begin to reciprocate.
"Only if it's Jimmy Dean Sausage! Mornin', gorgeous. Last night
was IN-FUCKing-Credible!"
Guido rewarded his lover's pun with a morning quickie, remarking
to himself the remarkability of Connie's remarkable thirteen-inch rod.
They celebrated the Sabbath by sleeping in, though they HARDly had time
for sleep. They slept in each other's loving embrace, broke only eight
hours later when Connie rose to get dressed and go to his crappy job.
* * *
That night when Connie returned at 3am, Guido was sitting
upright in bed.
"Heya doll, what's the matter? You usually don't wait up for me.
Something wrong? Were the Mapplethorpe Exhibit tickets sold out?"
"No, nothing like that," Guido said, pausing to kiss Connie.
"It's just that something's been on my mind recently."
"Don't tell me those damn Jehovah's Witnesses stopped by again.
How many of em did you manage to make cry THIS time?"
"No, not this time. It's just this little feeling I've got in
the back of my mind. Oh, nevermind, it's probably nothing."
"Oh, come on, tell me," Connie insisted. "You ALWAYS do this."
"Well, umm, don't you ever, uh, feel lonely?"
"Excuse me? Haven't we been hibernating here for the past 4
months? If this is lonliness, I'd love to see your idea of homesick!,"
Connie said with a playful lick to Guido's kneepits.
"Oh, I didn't mean that, silly," said Guido as he began to knead
Connie's elbows. "I meant the whole BLaH thing".
"Oh, well why didn't you SAY so," said Connie as he began to
[pk]unzip his BellCo workpants. He threw his helmet into the closet and
began to hyper-ventilate.
"You sex-fiend! Is that all that's ever on your mind? I meant
'BLaH'! The old tfile group! I sometimes miss BLaH, the board, that tall
hindu guy and the rest of the gang."
"Yah, I know what you mean," said Connie as he strapped on his
scale armour. "I sometimes wish I could have me a 10-day ware to infect
with a virus and upload to Warez HQ".
"Do you think we should get back into that business?"
"Oh, NOW we're talkin' my language.."
"Hey! You pedophile!"
"Necropedophile!"
"Pyronecropedophile!"
"Pyronecropedopodophile!"
"Pyronecropedopodocritophi-"
Connie silenced Guido's insult with a kiss and they made slow
gentle love into the morning, pausing only to check out the latest
infomercials <I've got my Blue Blockers, see?>.
[GuidoNote: I'm REALLY starting to sicken myself right now.]
* * *
"So, what do you really think about getting back into the BLaH
and NBA stuff?
Connie paused to unstrap his harness. "Well, if that's what you
WANT...".
"Oh, you want it too, admit it".
"Ok, maybe I do. But what're we gonna do about it? NBA has no
more computer."
"What about that Fat-Binger or whatever her name was?"
"Oh.. you mean Cat-Ninja.. umm, yah I hear she's still got a
board up."
"I know how you don't like to talk to females, but maybe you
could ask her nicely without getting violent this time?"
"I'll see what I can do. But I haven't used a modem in such a
long time! What if we've forgotten everything? I'm scared I won't do
everything the right way!"
"Don't worry, Connie, I'll be gentle..."
:p (...But it REALLY happened THIS way...) q:
So about the middle of November or so, I took the board down.
BLaH hadn't released anything in almost a month and my ulcer was acting
up again. I took a vacation for about a week and came back to town
feeling relieved. NBA was down, BLaH was dead, and there weren't that
many stresses in my life. I was planning on putting NBA back up in
December, but my new puter broke and eventually I just got a refund.
During January my arrest and fine <unrelated, but they both happened in
January> put a new perspective on things <aka "Don't get caught"> and I
gave away my really fast modem to Connie and my puter to a friend
leaving for college <temporary basis, of course>. And now that my fone
line is back, the computer isn't. I'm in no hurry for it to be back up,
and if my buddy doesn't come back by the time this is released, it'll
probably be this summer <early June> before I can get the puter back.
And as for BLaH... I think the title page explains it all. We're Bigger,
Longer, and Hairer. A choice for a new generation.
:p (The Guide to BLaHNess) q:
The following is a list of quirks and idiosyncrasies (150 of em, in
fact) that will enable you to achieve the pinnacle of BLaHness to which
we all aspire. As of March First, only the presidents of BLaH have
strictly adhered to all of these guidelines. It makes us feel so...
so... so... Jesuit.
1. Know what a 'destructicon' is.
2. Remember the Alamo
3. Remember Goliad
4. Remember Hitler's birthday
5. Remember Syd Barret's birthday
6. Forget your own birthday
7. Lie constantly to achieve your own ends
8. Lie constantly for no reason
9. Know the literal meaning of "tripe"
10. Wear an underarm phallus
11. Wear a Nun-Beaters Anonymous t-shirt
12. Make your own Nun-Beaters Anonymous t-shirt
13. STAY AWAY FROM SCHAUMBURG, ILLINOIS
14. Kill the wabbit, kill the wabbit
15. Shock the monkey
16. Take everything as a compliment
17. Try to trick the tooth fairy
18. Read Judy Blume
19. Read Nietzsche
20. Read Franz Kafka
21. Read Aleister Crowley
22. Laugh at Aleister Crowley
23. Watch Liquid Television
24. Watch Aeon Flux
25. Never park your hard drive
26. Call HST boards at 300, wait till they re-init the modem, and then
type in CONNECT 9600
27. Pick fights with Sarlo
28. Make fun of the Smurfs
29. Make fun of Scooby Doo
30. Make fun of Phrack
31. Make fun of Phrack #39
32. Never make fun of Dispater
33. Burn things you'll need later
34. Drink sauerkraut juice
35. Sing Techno to annoy other people
36. Bring Jesus into other peoples' lives
37. Enlighten, Educate, and Eunucize
38. Eat peanut butter and banana sandwiches
39. Lace "Just-Say-No" stamps with your favorite oral hallucinogen
40. Recognize Wagner's "Flight of the Valkyries"
41. Recognize the Carmina Burana
42. Recognize Inna Gotta Da Vida <and spell it wrong too!>
43. Ride a goat to Hell
44. Make fun of Saturday Night Live
45. Never find another human's ass attractive
46. Name your children Guido
47. Name your parents Guido <yes, both of them>
48. Look for love through the modem <and find it>
49. Own a laptop
50. Own a pocket modem
51. Own a pair of alligator clips
52. Own a 9/64" drill bit
53. Read CuD
54. Go to Qvimby's
55. Laugh at people who call their grandmother "Maa-Maw"
56. Pee all that you can pee
57. Bring the noise
58. Exploit homophobia
59. Play Nintendo
60. Tape your Nintendo to the wall
61. Sing "Ain't nobody gonna break my stride, nobody gonna pull me
down, oh no, I've got to keep on moving"
62. Constantly relive the 80s
63. Enjoy Woody Allen
64. Celebrate Columbus Day by claiming a neighbor's backyard for Spain
65. Celebrate St. Patrick's Day by launching a pogrom against your
favorite minority
66. Reply to grafitti
67. Get pissed at payphones when they make you pay
68. Play warez older than 10 days
69. Look like Alex from "A Clockwork Orange"
70. Make people feel uncomfortable
71. If it itches, ask someone else to scratch it
72. Call a mortician for reservations
73. Inhale other people
74. Whip it, whip it good
75. Watch Apocalypse Now
76. Watch Caligula
77. Name your cat Moriturum
78. Laugh at Denis Leary
79. Laugh at Timothy Leary
80. Laugh at Beverly Cleary
81. Advertise your BBS on *Prodigy
82. Kick the Habit
83. If it runs away, chase it
84. Laugh at Shit-Kickin' Jim
85. Laugh at Shit-Jickin' Kim
86. Listen to "Nelson"
87. Listen to "Wilson Phillips"
88. Read "Highlights for Children"
89. Look for "Highlights for Adults"
90. Order "Placenta-K-Bob" for breakfast
91. Get your mind out of the gutter
92. Have three-way calling
93. Use it
94. Start alliances
95. Contract a disease
96. Defy logic
97. Spread rumors about yourself
98. Sponsor a plague
99. Acknowledge that you're not funny
100. Alienate your peers
101. Post peoples' voice numbers
102. Post peoples' voice numbers as BBS #s
103. Post peoples' voice numbers as BBS #s on *Prodigy
104. Learn how to shell to DOS in *Prodigy
105. Read Calvin and Hobbes
106. Read Fred Basset
107. Become a false prophet
108. Win the adoration of millions
109. Exploit it
110. Exploit everything
111. Make fun of everything
112. Use "BLaH" in normal day-to-day conversation
113. Visit Guido's house and the surrounding convent
(* whoah.. I wrote that in the third person.. and I commented it
like I would a PASCAL program! I feel the Nausea of Jean-Paul
Sartre! *)
114. Be able to sing the Star Spangled Banner backwards and in German
(none of this 'Deutschland Uber Alles' crap)
115. Hug guys in public
116. Proclaim to know nothing, yet still preach
117. Read Daniel Manus Pinkwater
118. Meet Heep
119. Distribute COMMAND.COM as a virus
120. Distribute a text file as a virus
121. Distribute a virus as a text file
122. Logon as your user #, always change your handle
123. Logon to CBASE systems
124. Make big plans
125. Give people ORIGINAL tapes and CDs
126. Send someone's real information to them in email
127. Shift tenses
128. Watch MST3k
129. Know what the fuck I am talking about
130. Announce to the world your devotion to another human's kneepits
131. Never use that Deja Vu cliche in a way purported to be witty
132. Never use that Deja Vu cliche in a way purported to be witty
133. Oh god I can't believe I just did that
134. Watch infomercials
135. Sneeze on your computer screen
136. Never use Word Perfect
137. Never use Windows
138. Have a 40 meg hard drive
139. Have a 2400 baud modem
140. Have a 286-12
141. Repeat yourself
142. Ok, I gave in to that last one, but I won't do it this time
143. Piss off Nowhere Man
144. Masturbate
145. Masturbate some more
146. Use alt-keys to draw Ext-Asskey chars
147. Support the next Inquisition
148. Correspond with Pat Robertson
149. Have a "Clergy Parking Only" sign hanging over your toilet
150. Read BLaH and make fun of it
Well, this was really just a space filler mind-jackoff. These memories
of the past were welling forth once more so I took advantage of my
exhibitionary capabilities and spewed them forth onto your computer
screen. Better wipe it up before the keyboard gets sticky.
--Guido Sanchez
:p (Interview With A Disney Addict) :q
The following are excerpts from a telephone interview conducted with a
teenager addicted to Disney movies, herein referred to as "Walt," at his
suggestion. I am not making this up: all of this is the sad truth...
Lemuel: So, "Walt," how long have you been addicted to Disney
movies?
Walt: Hmmm...I'd say about four months, going on five.
L: What started you on this hideous course?
W: Well, I'd have to say that it began with my first full screening
of _Beauty and the Beast_, which was in November. But the actual
symptoms of addiction, the depression and all, didn't set in until
I watched _The Little Mermaid_, and then the symptoms even became
greater when I saw _Aladdin_ in the theater.
L: So are these the only movies the only movies you're addicted to?
W: So far, yes, but I'm anticipating _Pocahantas_ in 1994.
L: Then you're not into the more classic material, say, like _Snow White_
or _Cinderella_?
W: Actually, I haven't seen _Snow White_, but I did see _Cinderella_
however; I really liked the movie, but something about it, I dunno,
maybe Cinderella wasn't hot enough, didn't catch my interest as the
others did.
L: I take it that you're attracted to the Disney heroines then?
W: Oh, definitely, I'd say so.
L: What do you find so attractive about these animated temptresses?
W: With Ariel, I'd have to say the conch shells did it. I don't know,
but I'd never seen a Disney character in a bra before. Then there
was Belle. I guess she was very pretty, as her name meant in
French [note: here one can observe his obsession most clearly;
he has spent many hour researching and analyzing the names of
Disney characters], but throughout the whole movie she was wearing
these annoyingly unrevealing clothes. First there was the, I guess,
"servant girl" get-up, then there was the, the, uh, "red-riding-hood
coat," later that florescent yellow dress, I guess. You couldn't
even see any cleavage through any of those. As for Jasmine, I guess
I saw enough of that kind of costume in "I Dream of Jeanie," but
her voluptuous curves and perky breasts got the best of me.
L: Geez, what's with you? These are just cartoon characters you're
talking about!
W: Cartoons to _you_ maybe, but in my dreams they manifest themselves as
real women -- very real. I guess you just have to have seen these
movies to know what I've been experiencing.
L: Uh, okay... I understand that your obsession goes as far to cause
you to repeatedly draw these characters over and over, is this
true?
W: Yes, this is true, even though I have almost no drawing talent,
I attempt to replicate the heavenly work of the Disney animators. I
guess I draw them out of a, umm, desire to create these dolls on
my own, a sort of parental urge if you will. With my fathering
of these women, I can really get a sense of relationship with
them. Oh, and it justifies their calling me 'Daddy' and other
things.
L: And other things? I can assume you have perverted plans for them?
W: I'm not *that* good of an artist yet, but my imagination compensates
for that when necessary.
L: Do you collect books, figurines, and so on, of these movies?
W: I would collect figurines, but I do have some limits to my shame.
Maybe I'll buy some for my little brother as a birthday present.
L: Let's move on. What do you think about the leading, um, 'men' in the
movies? Do you feel any jealousy towards them? For example, what
do you think of the Beast, or the Genie in _Aladdin_? Are they
as appealing as the women? Not sexually I mean, but in a
platonic sense.
W: I really liked the Genie in _Aladdin_, he made me laugh. I like
people who can make me laugh. As for the Beast, I remain rather
neutral toward him. There's really no feeling of jealousy
because, after all, they're just animated drawings and can't
really compete with a human such as I.
L: Yet your addiction drives you to collect the soundtracks to all of
these movies, am I correct?
W: Well, not all. So far I only have _Aladdin_, but I have _Beauty and
the Beast_ on order... I would have taken _The Little Mermaid_, only
Columbia House didn't have it.
L: But you taped the soundtrack from _The Little Mermaid_ right off the
videotape?
W: Yes, I did, but that's not the soundtrack, that's the entire movie
itself. I listen to it when I'm feeling down. It helps me "be
regular."
L: In the digestive sense?
W: No, in the emotional sense.
L: Don't you recognize this as a symptom of dependency?
W: Why yes I do, I was one of the first to notice, but, well, what can
you do? When you're dependent, you're dependent. I'd hate to have
to experience withdrawl symptoms.
L: Isn't it your dream to eventually transfer Disney moves onto
your computer, so you can enjoy them with a simple command?
W: Yes, but I'm afraid that dream might not come true... It turns out
that NTSC conversion boards are much more expensive than I had
realized, and I don't know if my two-gig drive will be enough to
hold all of _Aladdin_. And that "Flounder" VGA virus that was
going around a while ago turned out to be just a big fish story.
L: Tell us about the "superdub" you made of "A Whole New World" [a
song from _Aladdin_].
W: Well, actually, that's just the first in a series of "superdubs."
L: Tell everyone what a "superdub" is.
W: Well, a "superdub" is when I repeat a song throughout the whole
length of a tape, back and front. For example, I have an estimated
forty to fifty copies of "A Whole New World" on one tape, taking
up that whole tape.
L: Why?!
W: Well, see, I don't have a CD player in my room, so I can't put on
repeat mode. So instead I make these tapes. What other way is
there to go to sleep than with that music playing through my ears?
L: You go to bed with this music on?
W: Yes, I do. I go to bed every night with the hope that my "liquid
somnambulisms" will revolve around the female characters in the
songs, if you know what I mean...
L: Walt, let me put this bluntly -- you get off on Disney women, don't
you? You want nothing more than to have your way with them, am
I right?
W: Well, what's wrong with that? Isn't it normal? And besides, it's
not like I do it when I'm conscious...my mind is an untamed horse.
If it endeavors to find sexual pleasure in Disney heroines, then
so be it. In fact...it's happening right now, as I speak...
images of orgies with all three; Belle, Jasmine, and Ariel; dance
around my head. I want them. I want their Technicolor, ink-drawn
bodies, their...well-rounded, sexy curves, and their gigantic
eyes. [At this point, the conversations breaks down, with Walt
moaning and repeatedly crying "deeper Jasmine, deeper!" "yes, that's
it babe, bring me into a whole new world!" and "take me, Ariel, take
me under the sea!" Suddenly, there is maniacal laughter and then
a slow sigh from the other end of the phone. Too disgusted to
continue, I say...]
L: Well, Walt, thank you for your time. Go enjoy yourself...
W: Wait, I'm not done yet! Don't you want hear about my Disney sheet
music or my dreams of editing some _Little Mermaid_ .GIFs I have?
Or my plans to render the ballroom scene from _Beauty and the Beast_
in 3-D Studio? How about the _Aladdin_ studio bootlegs I'm getting?
L: Goodbye Walt.
W: No, don't hang up...wait!
[CLICK]
:p (The BIG Book of Clergy Humor) :q
The following is a compilation of my favorite nun/general clergy
jokes that have graced my ears/eyes/toes over the past few days while I
attended a seminar on dealing with clergy abuse in Vatican City, Las
Vegas.
Nun-Beaters Anonymous : Kick The Habit!
Q: What's Black and White and Red all over and can't get through a
revolving door?
A: A nun with a spear through her head!
Q: What's Black and White and Red all over and walks around in circles?
A: A nun with a spear through her foot!
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an altar boy!
<or>
A: You fuck her! <with a tip of the hat to Andrew Lee Harvey Wilkes
Clay or whatever the hell his name is...>
Q: What's black and white, black and brown, black and black?
A: A nun on a spit!
Q: What's black and white, black and white, black and white, and green?
A: Three nuns fighting over a pickle!
Q: What's black and white, blackand white, blackandwhite, blacknwhite,
blackwhite, blackwhite, blackwhite?
A: A nun rolling down a hill!
Q: What do you call a nun with a sprained ankle at a rock concert?
A: Twisted Sister!
Q: What do you call it when a group of monks throw some nuns down a well?
A: A cistern!
Q: What do you call towns in-habit-ed by nuns?
A: Sister Cities!
Q: What do you call a nun sitting in a fruit bowl?
A: A ba-nun-a!
Q: What does a nun who smokes have?
A: A bad habit!
Q: What do you call a nun prison?
A: A con-vent!
Q: What do you call a nun with a frock made of titanium?
A: A hard habit to break!
Q: What do you give a nun on Valentine's Day?
A: A dozen rosaries!
Q: What do you call a nun in a hospital?
A: The administrator!
Q: What do you call a nun at a masquerade ball?
A: A blessing in disguise!
Q: What do you call a nun who just passed her bar exam?
A: A Sister-In-Law!
Q: What do you call a nun at a bar?
A: Unlikely!
Q: What do you call a nun on Rush Street<*> between 11pm and 2am?
A: Mary Magdalene!
<*> - Rush Street, a street in Chicago known for its prostitutes, for
you people who don't even know who Casmir Pulaski was..
Q: What do you call a nun in a palm tree?
A: A coco-nun!
Q: What do you call a nun in Israel?
A: Wasting her time!
Q: What do you call a nun on a stairmaster?
A: A Step-Sister!
Q: What do you call a nun in a hydraulic press?
A: An oreo!
Q: What do you call a nun on a nude beach?
A: Someone without any habits!
Q: What do you call a nun after a cannibal barbecue?
A: A half-sister!
Q: Why are they called nuns?
A: Because they don't get nun! <lamelamelamelame>
Q: How do you describe a nun with a hammer?
A: Habitual!
Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were touring Europe and had an
extended layover in Rome. They are given a special audience in front of
the Pope, and Dopey stumbles forward eagerly to ask him a question.
"Mr. Pope! Mr. Pope! Do you have any nuns in New York City?"
"Why yes, Dopey, we do", replied the Pope.
"What about Los Angeles? And Waco?"
"Yes, Dopey, we've got nuns all over the United States."
"Hmm.. what about France? And England?"
"Yes, Dopey, we do."
"What about Fiji, New Zealand, and French Guinea?"
"Yes, Dopey, we have nuns all over the world."
At this Dopey paused a minute and again posed a question. "Mr.
Pope", he said, "do you have nuns in Antarctica?"
"No, Dopey, I'm afraid we don't." came the reply.
At that, the rest of the dwarves broke into a rousing chorus of
"Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!"
Sister Mary Something is presiding over her first grade bible
studies class and is asking each student what they'd like to be when
they've grown up.
Little Martin Majerski says, "I wanna be a doctor!"
Tough Joseph Cruz says, "I wanna be a fireman!"
Adorable Mary O'Brien says, "I wanna be a prostitute!"
At this, Sister Mary faints and falls to the ground. Another nun
rushes in and revives the good Sister. She asks what the matter is.
Sister Mary Something asks Mary O'Brien what she wants to be when she
grows up and elicits the same response.
"I wanna be a prostitute!"
"Oh thank God," sighed Sister Mary, "I thought she said
'Protestant'."
Two nuns are being raped by two men. The first nun accepts the
blasphemous act very passively, blessing the man and repeating over and
over again, "Do not condemn them, O Lord, for they know not what they
do..". The other nun says, between gasps, "This one sure does!".
A nun is driving home to see her parents one Christmas when her
car runs out of gas on a major Texas highway. On the side of the road,
she gets out of the car and sits down by the side of the road. The
combination of the hazzard lights and the sight of a nun sitting on the
side of the road prompt a man to slow down and ask what he can do for
her. She reveals that she is out of gas and would appreciate any help
she can get. The man admits that he's got plenty of gas, but nothing to
put it in. The nun thinks for a moment and then remembers that the only
container she has in her car is an old bedpan from her convent. The man
fills it up with a few gallons and goes on his way with her blessing.
The nun opens up her gas tank and begins to fill it with the gasoline.
Another man is driving by with his wife in his car and happens to see
this out his window. He turns to his wife and says, "Look, honey.. now
THAT'S what _I_ call faith..."
[Get it? He saw her emptying the BEDPAN! Oh! The Humor!]
A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the
bus driver she needs someone to talk to. She lives in a convent and
wants to experience sex before she dies. The bus driver agrees, but the
nun explains she can't have sex with anyone who is married because it
would be a sin. The bus driver says no problem, he's not married. The
nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she will have to take it in
the ass [this means anal sex, kiddies!]. The bus driver agrees again and
being the only people on the bus, the go in the back [ooh! an innuendo!]
and take care of business [this means anal sex as well, boys and girls].
When they were done and he had resumed driving, the bus driver says to
the nun, "Sister, I have a confession to make. I am married and have
three kids." The nun replied, "That's okay, I have a confession too. My
name is Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party!"
Thanks must go out to Silver Surfer for reading me some of this shit
over the phone. And to Katie, the little elf lord that could.
:p (BORG Liquidation) q:
<For The Trekkies..>
Howdy Friends!
You've heard that old saying "Resistance is Futile" countless of times.
Well I'm here to tell you that not only is it futile, it's 60% off!
That's right, it's the
BORG Liquidation Sale
and EVERYTHING must go!
We've got fusion stabilizers, integrity compensators, and the latest and
the greatest in cybernetic implants <great for the kids!>. Chests-of-
Nurseries for those families with newborn litters are 70% off!
Everything in the store is 50% and up off. Nifty Red-Light 'Locutus'-
effect helmets are two for the price of one. With every purchase, you get
a free bone structure of a race we've personally made extinct. With
prices like these, you can't afford NOT to assimilate your butt on over
to "Two-From-Five's Bargain Cube", where you always get more pizza.
:p (Clergy Abuse Seminar Notes) q:
Notes on the 48th Annual Clergy Abuse Seminar
Vatican City, Las Vegas
"The Most Pious Little Fleshpot North of Tijuana"
[This file was reconstructed from the cocktail-napkin scrawlings
of the BLaH staff after the three-day Clergy Abuse seminar, and
the subsequent 5-day hangover and 12-week Betty Ford recovery
period. We present it in the hope that it aids our little nun-
beating friends everywhere. [GuidoNote[TM]]]
I. Motivations for the Nun-Beating Habit <ouch>
1. Fun
2. Personal Gain
a. Thieves
b. Habit Collectors
c. Rosicrucians
3. Revenge for
a. Crusades
b. Inquisition
c. Elementary School
d. Great penguin massacre of the Falken Islands
4. Excercise [see following outline]
5. Jealousy
a. Men who are jealous of women who steal their men
b. Freud's theory of 'Habit Envy'
6. Fashion Statement
a. The 'abusive' look of the 90s
b. Black and white clash - need some red
7. <Gasp!> Free Will
8. Manipulation by Evil Forces
a. Satan
b. Guido Sanchez
c. Pat Robertson
9. Fight the capitalist/papist monopoly of the global ruler
market.
10. Because of rising apathy in the caucasian suburbs combined
with the effects of youth gangs and unemployment, culminating
in unprecidented violence directed at authority figures such as
nuns, priests, and certain shopping mall security goons...
II. Favorite Nun-Beating (Sigh)ts
1. The Nun Arena and other convents.
2. The Pope's bedroom.
3. The basement of Moody Bible College
[Don't miss the cockfights and male strippers there, on
alternating Sunday nights!]
4. Sister Cities
5. Joe Fred Foster's house (oops, that's nun-beating, not
beating off..)
6. An NBA Rally
7. Guido's front porch
8. Inaugural Ball
9. Other areas fully sanctioned by the WNBF <World Nun-Beating
Federation>
III. Nun-Beating influenced by Heavy Metal Lyrics
1. The Dead Nuns song "Kill Them Nuns Dead"
2. The Bad Habits song "I Was a Teenage Nun-Beater"
3. The Clerigal Genocide song "Frock You!"
4. Any song by Twisted Sister
5. Soundtrack from "Sister Act"
a. Whoopie just CAN NOT SING
b. They stole the 'habit' pun from NBA
6. Gregorian Chant - It's not just for monks anymore
IV. Tools for a Routine Nun-Beating Expedition
1. Running shoes
2. Nightsticks
3. K-RaD ninja outfits or fatigues
4. A lasso
5. Marshall, Will and Holly
6. Barry Manilow 8-track library
7. Battering ram
8. Gatling gun
9. Cane with the word "mexico" carved into it
10. Sisters of Mercy tape collection
11. VCL 2.0
12. A rubber chicken
13. Groucho Marx glasses
14. A rubber chicken
15. A rubber chicken
16. A rubber chicken
[NOTE- the above list was recovered from one of
Constantine's cocktail napkins; while he remained in a
stupor at presstime, it is popularly believed he was either
trying to invent a new mixed drink or crying out for help
at the time this was written.]
V. What to Do When Caught Nun-Beating
1. Claim temporary sanity
2. Say Jimmy Swaggart made you do it
3. Say it was a dare
4. Confess to killing JFK-- they'll forget the lesser charge.
5. Produce Jimmy Hoffa
6. Demand to call your lawyer, then demand they find you a
lawyer to call, then demand they negotiate with the lawyer
to get you out of your contract and find a better lawyer,
and so on.
7. Ask for forgiveness from the good catholick
8. Tell the arresting officers that their shoes are untied,
then run REAL FAST.
9. Do the Watusi
10. Say twelve Hail Marys and three Rosaries
VI. Nun-Beating as a Hobby and Popular Sport
1. It's great exercise
a. Anaerobic Beating - using a cane
b. Aerobic Beating - using your bare fists
c. Thighmasters for nuns
d. Soloflex for nuns
2. Releases tension
3. Something to do on a Sunday night when there's no
cockfighting or strippers at Moody Bible.
4. Annoys your parents
5. Really annoys the nuns
6. Get in shape for Olympics
7. It's more fun than trading WaReZ
8. Unlike WaReZ TrAdInG, you can feel good about yourself
afterwards.
9. Off-Track Beating - Illegal or Tax-Deductable?
VII. Little Known Facts about Nun-Beating
1. Biggest Nun-Arena : The Habitdome in Clergyland, USA
2. Frowned upon by the Catholick Church <THERE'S a surprise>
3. It's easy to get a license <see insert later on>
4. The job opportunities are endless
5. It's legal in 49 states <sorry, tennessee>
6. First case diagnosed in 1986, in a Bloom County Cartoon
7. Your enrollment in NBA is covered by most major medical insurance
Remember, admitting you have a problem is the first step towards making
fun of the problems of other people.
:p (St. Patrick's Day Parade Notice) q:
Oh boy, kiddies, it's that time of year again. Yes, just like
last year's successful Colombus Day Invasion/Media Event, it's come time
once again to resort to extremism to expose the farce that IS 'American'
tradition. Hopefully this file'll be released on St. Patrick's Day,
maybe before, and if so, here's a call to arms. I look back on my
ignorant kindergarten years <as opposed to my current ignorant college
years> and I can remember the great mistruths taught to me by a public
school system. Fondly I remember making fun of the Democrat boy in class
and having fun because I was glad that my peers had stopped picking on
me for a few moments; moments in which I felt united with my peers as
singling out the enemy and ostracizing him. I remember what happened if
a kid forgot to wear green to school on St. Patrick's Day. I remember
how I purposefully wore white and red just so that the other kids would
provide me with the physical contact that I was so starved for. I
remember learning that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland and
converted all of Ireland to Christianity. I remember six years later
learning that the snakes were actually pagans that were beheaded by
that jolly ol' pillar of Irish tradition. I remember learning that for
each of Patrick's 300 churches founded in Ireland thousands of pagans
were executed. I remember learning the capacity of my hatred for an
institution such as the Catholick church and trying to keep myself
from gagging when people used the adjective 'christian' in a sense of
goodwill. Next thing you know we'll all be celebrating National
Holocaust Appreciation Week. Ah, the glorious Catholick church which
claims to be the universal religion but fails to mention that it's only
true if you live in a universe of Catholicks. Enough of the ranting,
it's time to describe an action which will probably never take place
but will give all who read this a good chuckle nonetheless.
In a city near you there's bound to be a St. Paddy's Day Parade,
sponsered by old men with old ideas. Such a display of joy at being
Catholick and celebrating genocide hasn't visited your town since last
Colombus Day. So here's what to do. Start your own parade. Make it
official or don't. Attract media attention, as much as you can, and doll
it up like the Chinese New Year parade. Instead of dragons, dress up as
snakes. Try and do this concurrently with the St. Paddy's Day parade,
and when they turn the corner onto Whatever St., start running from
them. Shriek like a woman, scream bloody murder, wail like a banshee. If
excercise is bad for you, you might try holding a pagan festival in the
intended throughfare. Hold Beltene a bit early this year. Light some
fires and drive animals betwixt them. Abstain from alcohol. Anything to
display the fact that you're NOT IRISH, NOT CATHOLICK, AND PROUD OF IT!
:p (Braingames is Now... Over) q:
So this is the end. But not really. BLaH is back and bad, so
look for the latest tfiles on a board near you. Thanks really must go
out to Connie, Nowhere Man, Dagobert the Sane, Lady Catninja, PuD,
Alabama Freaks everywhere, and anyone else who's ever read one of our
files, snickered, and said to themselves, "I could do much better." If
you can be spontaneous, maybe you'd like to join BLaH. Send an original
work to one of the BLaH <sigh>ts in the "BLaH C-/<rUt" file base.
Copyright Notice :
The works herein are not copyrighted in any way. They may be replicated
and distributed by any means you can think of. From paperform to skin,
from filedata to personal ads, BLaH is public domain. Claim it as your
own, burn it in the streets, or just use it to wipe like I do.
We're Gonna Fuck the Schoolboy..
Guido Sanchez
{End of File. Propaganda Line. End of File. Propaganda Line. End of File.}
The theme song to "Where in the World is Carmen SanDiego?" Can be played
on your touchtone phone <wyTe-b0x f0r u phreA/<z> by dialing "2-2-2-6-6-
1-1-1-1-2-2".
Right now someone is building something out of paper mache.
BLaH <sigh>ts include
The Battle of Evermore <312>476-1508
The Obloid Sphere <708>965-3098
and RipCo and HellPit will most likely carry the stuff as well.
{---The Deathpony Shakes His Bloody Mane... We Have Returned!---}
