blah-013

eZine lover (@eZine)

Published in 

BLaH

 · 5 years ago

  

              Ü ÜßÝ   Ü             Ü   Ü 
               ßÝ ßÝ   Ý             Ý   Ý 
                Ý  Û   Ý             Ý   Ý 
    BLaH        Ý ß    Ý      ÜßÜ    Ý   Ý 
    File        ÝßÜ    Ý        ÜÝ   ÝßÝÜÝ        Written August 4th, 1992 
    #013        Ý  Ýig Ýong  ÜßÝ Ýnd Ý   Ýairy 
                Ý  Ý   Ý    Þ    Ý   Ý   Ý 
                ÝÜß    ÝÜÜÝ  ßÜÜßÞ  ÜÝ   ÞÜ 
                 
                         Presents 
            Ú               ÄÄ                 ¿ 
             "How to Commit the Perfect Murder" 
            ³               by                 ³ 
                        Constantine 
            À               ÄÄ                 Ù 

LEGAL DISCLAIMER: 
        Portions of the following text deal with methods of murdering 
Fundementalist Christians.  In order to avoid possible legal liability, 
the author wishes to make it known that he IN NO WAY APPROVES of  
Fundementalist Christianity.  Thank you. 

 
        So you wanna commit the perfect murder.  BLaH is here to help. 
This tfile provides sample methods of killing someone and getting away 
with it, only a small part of our "Torture, Murder and Cannibalism" home 
study course.  You can obtain the home study course for only $19.95 per 
installment-- contact your local representative today! 
        Now, before you go making grand escape plans and ways to hide 
the body, one simple question must be answered-- who are you going to 
kill?  Yes, it's common sense, but the choice of victim can mean the 
difference between a humdrum, boring murder and a satisfying, invigorating 
one (for under 200 calories!). 
        If you're like me, you've probably got enemies lined up and out 
the door.  This makes the selection of victim rather easy.  In case you 
have no enemies and just want to try murder for yourself, why not take 
some of mine?  Just contact me at any BLaH outpost for a full list of 
names, addresses, and reasons they should die. 
        If you are still undecided, may I suggest Donald Wildmon?  Donald 
Wildmon is the head of the American Family Association, a fascist Fundie 
group that supports the banning of just about every television show, book 
and movie in existance because it offends his "Christian" morals (including 
ALF-- no joke!).  Wildmon is the guy who got Playboy pulled from 7-11s 
across the country a few years back, and lead part of the drive against 
"The Last Temptation of Christ" (not that he ever SAW the movie).  He 
also pulls in millions of dollars in contributions to his various shadow 
corporat-- excuse me, I mean "moral action groups". 
        If Donnie-boy is too obscure for you, Jesse Helms and Jimmy Swaggart 
also make great murder victims.  Try one today. 
        Now that you have a victim chosen, get them alone and KILL THEM. 
This is the "murder" part of "committing a perfect murder".  Just take 
a handy blunt object and whack them over the head with it repeatedly. 
Or, for the more adventurous, knives and guns, not to mention the poison 
mucous of the Australian pufferbird, can do the trick.  In order to avoid 
being seen, make sure that you are ALONE with the victim before you whack 
them over the head.  It may be common sense, but we left that out of the 
first draft of this pamphlet and Erwin Ficklebinder, a young student,  
proceeded to murder his college counselor in the middle of a large shopping 
mall.  He was arrested, and massive lawsuits followed from Ficklebinder's 
family. 
        Now you're in the "habeas corpus" phase of the operation, a legal 
phrase which means "you have the body".  You DO have the body.  Hopefully 
in one or several opaque baggies at this point.  Get thee to a mortuary. 
        At the mortuary, cremate the sucker.  You will be left with a 
lot of ashes and a quantity of bone fragments and teeth.  Scatter the 
ashes to the four winds.  You still have the teeth, which is a problem 
because the boys down in forensics can still identify the victim.  C'mon, 
didn't you ever watch "Quincy"? 
        Get a large glass of Jolt cola and leave the teeth inside overnight. 
In the morning, they will have dissolved.  That's right, your elementary 
school teacher WASN'T lying about that.  She was still a bitch, but she 
did tell the truth.  Now there are no remains, thus no way to pin the 
non-existant "murder" on you.  It has thus become a perfect murder. 

        This has just been one way to commit the perfect murder.  If you 
decide to order our home study course (see details above), you'll also 
learn the Jeffy Dahmer method of body disposal (and interior decoration), 
the Manson Defense (get some OTHER schmuck to commit the murder), and how 
to talk just like Hannibal Lecter.  Order TODAY. 

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Ok, fine, so we're releasing 15 tfiles in 3 days.. what's it to you? 

BLaH <sigh>ts.. places you can take our crap and drink it 

Nun-Beaters Anonymous | <708>251-5094 | 110/16.8k 
Hell Bound            | <708>965-8965 | 2400/14.4k 
The Insane Asylum     | <305>927-3028 | 2400/16.8k 
The Realm of Death    | <419>475-3089 | 2400/16.8k 

If it says BLaH, it probably isn't... 

{---Property Line. Git out now...------------------------------------------}