blah-028

eZine lover (@eZine)

Published in 

BLaH

 · 5 years ago

  

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  BLaH          Ý ß    Ý      ÜßÜ    Ý   Ý                                 
  File          ÝßÜ    Ý         Ý   ÝßÝÜÝ         Written Sept. 6th, 1992 
  #028          Ý  Ýig Ýong  Üßß Ýnd Ý   Ýairy 
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                ÝÜß    ÝÜÜÝ  ßÜÜßÞ  ÜÝ   ÞÜ      
                 
                         Presents 
               Ú           ÄÄ            ¿ 
                "Television is a Symptom" 
               ³           by            ³ 
                       Constantine 
               À           ÄÄ            Ù 
                                                                 
        You've all seen the studies, the in-depth statistical field surveys 
and test subject examinations that take about $30 million in taxpayers'  
dollars to prove what we've known all along-- that television has turned 
the nation into a community of smiling lobotomy victims. 
        Wrongo-dongo, Captain Stupid.  This nation has ALWAYS been a  
community of smiling lobotomy victims.  Television is merely a symptom, 
as well as a meter of how far gone a person is into the Land of the  
Terminally Dumb (from which there is no escape). 

        Case in point:  Wheel of Fortune.  Yes, it's sad that Wheel of 
Fortune should serve as an example of ANYTHING, but it does make a fantastic 
gauge of ineptitude.  Take the following situation-- the winning contestant 
stands at the prize showcase, trying to decide.  Pat asks, "Will you go for 
the new car or the kitchenette set?" 

        IF THE HOME VIEWER (test subject) SAYS: 
    þ "He should take the car" 
         She [note: we WOULD put s/he, but as stated in a previous BLaHfile, we 
         are not and never have been politically correct. Most viewers of Wheel 
         of Fortune ARE female, we did a study. Honest. We did. Why the hell am 
         I justifying myself to you? This editor's note is yet ANOTHER symptom= 
         GS] is in an early stage of idiocy--caring about the life of a 
         stranger on a pathetically simple game show is a bad sign, but it's 
         not too late to stop the disease before it gets any worse. 
    Recommendation:  Immediate exposure to "Mystery Science Theater 3000" 
                     followed by lots of fresh air. 

    þ "Hurry up!  Jeopardy is on in five minutes!" 
         Unpredictable. Jeopardy fans are either neurosurgeons, neurosurgeon 
         wanna-bes, or masochists.  Could be a party, either way. 

    þ "Oh!  Ohhh!  Take the car!  Take the car!" 
         (accompanied by moaning and flailing arms).   The subject is gone. 
         The dreaded "television people can hear me" syndrome is a sure sign 
         of social psychosis. 
    Recomendation:   A severe beating (won't help the subject, but will do 
                     wonders to relieve tension). 

    þ "I'll take YOU, studmuffin!" 
         A good sign.  Having Rocky Horror flashbacks and doing sleazy improv 
         in the face of absurdity reveals a healthy mental attitude.  Consider 
         applying to BLaH for a writing position. 
    Recomendation:  a cookie. 

            As you can see, far from being the demonic corruptor of American 
youth (that's our job), television is a handy tool to root out the Dumb 
amongst us.  Use it today, before it's too late! 

 
{---Ned Fo Elif... Efas-T-Ztun syas "3904 Setyb Latot"-----------------------} 

If you enjoyed this tfile, you will also enjoy banging your head into a steel 
beam. And calling these boards. 

Nun-Beaters Anonymous <708>251-5094 
Carbon Nation         <708>965-8965 
The Insane Asylum     <305>927-3028 
The Realm Of Death    <419>475-3089 

{---PrOpAgANda Line.. a big yello to bobby anton wilson... -----------------}