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blah-030
Ü ÜßÝ Ü Ü Ü
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Ý Û Ý Ý Ý
BLaH Ý ß Ý ÜßÜ Ý Ý
File ÝßÜ Ý Ý ÝßÝÜÝ Written Sept. 10th, 1992
#030 Ý Ýig Ýong Üßß Ýnd Ý Ýairy
Ý Ý Ý Þ Ý Ý Ý
ÝÜß ÝÜÜÝ ßÜÜßÞ ÜÝ ÞÜ
Presents
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"The Search for Hefty Herb, pt.2"
³ or ³
"Superman Bites the Dust on November 19th and I'm Dancing in the Street"
³ by ³
The Blah News Network
À ÄÄ Ù
¿Ä¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
³ÚÙ ³¿³ ³¿³
³Ä¿LaH ³À´ews ³À´etwork
ÙÄÙ Ù Ù Ù Ù
<James Earl Jones Voiceover>: This... is NMA.
(Scanner interception from a downtown Chicago phone booth, 7:27 AM, EST.)
Operator: Hello, this is the operator. May I help you?
(Warbling tone)
Operator: Hello? This is the operator.
(Warbling, slightly higher pitch.)
Unidentified Male Voice #1: This worked last time!
Unidentified Male Voice #2: Will you just put a quarter in the damn thing?
Unidentified Male Voice #3: This is a pay phone, not a fucking 300 baud modem.
Operator: Hello? Do you need operator assistance?
Voice #2: Put a quarter in, already.
(Warbling repeats, much lower pitch.)
Operator: Is anyone there? Hello? Hello?
Ladies and gentlemen, they're still out there.
<James Earl Jones Voiceover>: This... is your father, Luke...
(It's Hairy String Jive time, the light bulbs on the phallus
backdrop changed to a festive red-and-green pattern.)
Hairy: This is Hairy String Jive. Tonight's scheduled guest was Herbert
"Silly Putty" Ross Perot, who said he would only appear if the public
demanded it. No one did, so let's talk to Alan Solomon, self-
proclaimed computer virology expert. Live via sattelite from Sara
Gordon's bedroom, he joins us. Good evening, Alan.
Alan: Hello, Hairy. As you know, the computer virus crisis in our country
is reaching epidemic levels of--
<Unidentified Female Voice> : Alan honey? Cum back to bed!
<Muffled Alan> : In a second, Sara..
Hairy: How do I know that?
Alan: Because I just told you. Now shut up and listen. The lastest Whale-
Burger-Pakastani-Manta code variant, known as the Whore! virus, has
infected millions of computer systems worldwide. It has a megaparser,
a null-sector slackmeter, and proto-infectorial quasi-integrity compen-
sator, and a revolutionary deflecting APBS timer!
Hairy: Whoa! Can I get fries with that?
(Canned laughter and synthesized drum sting.)
Alan: I'm talking about the instant obliteration of every computer on
earth, you schnook! The only hope is to buy revision 4530.32.465.B
of my antivirus scanner, only $489.99 at software stores everywhere!
Hairy: But average joes like me can't afford to pay that kind of money
for a relatively basic utility! What about us?
Alan: There is a second payment option, in that case.
Hairy: Yes?
Alan: Blow me.
Hairy: Can I get an 8 inch disk of that?
Alan: Send in your disk format card and take your chances like everybody
else, pal.
Hairy: Oh, all right. <Gets on knees behind desk> Will this detect
VCL code?
Alan: That's in the NEXT revision. You're lucky I don't send you over to
McAfee-- THEY charge you "up the ass".
(Slurping noises from behind desk.)
<James Earl Jones Voiceover> : Your training will be com-plete..
...We're back with BNN Headline News. First on our list of top stories,
the clueless BLaH expedition continues to hurtle toward certain doom. Also
in the news, Chicagoland fast food restaraunts have reported a puzzling
epidemic of ransacked dining areas and assaulted patrons. We go live with
Arthur Kent, covering the situation with typically melodramatic flair.
Kent: I'm at a regional Burger King, and the scene is pandemonium. I have
not seen chaos and human suffering of this magnitude since my wartime
days. It looks as though a scud missile ripped through the--
Anchorman: Cut the crap, Arthur. Your image was shot the second you
chickened out on going to Bosnia.
Kent: Right. Sorry. I'm here with Mrs. Frannie Hocksteader, a survivor
of this terrible incident, as well as being one of the whitest women
on earth. Mrs. Hocksteader, what did you see?
Frannie: It was HORRIBLE! There was this... This colored man... Not
that I'm prejudiced... And he was HUGE! And he was CHANTING!
It was HORRIBLE!
Kent: Can you remember what he said to you?
Frannie: It was something like, "I'm everyone's favorite stereotype/ I'm big,
I'm bad, and I believe that hype/ Gotta take a minute off and revel
in my race/ Outta my way, I gotta stuff my face." Then he
took my BURGER! And when I complained, he called me a HO!
Kent: Don't cry, Mrs. Hocksteader.
Frannie: Something should be DONE about these people! What ever happened
to Tipper Gore and those nice censorship supplements stickers?
<James Earl Jones Voiceover>: Do you not have sex with your bathers? I know
that >I< do...
NEWS FLASH!! This just in! The BLaH team has finally reported
in with a status update! We're going live to the phone, to speak with
mission leader Guido Sanchez!
<picture of Guido Sanchez, an italian/mexican looking man clothed in
purest black with some sort of insignia on the lapel and holding a cane,
in the foreground of a map of chicagoland>
Anchor: Guido? Are you there?
Guido: We're fine. The mission is proceeding according to plan, more
or less. We're out of drinks and fritos, though.
Anchor: Why the long delay?
Guido: Well, we lost the number to BNN HQ in Mentally..
Anchor: And how did you get it back?
Guido: Well, Nowhere Man programmed this nifty little IDE interface to
Van Eck local TVs watching BNN and get the number off of the TV
screen. It did the job, but Alan Solomon and David Stang mercilessly
ridiculed it as being "too buggy". After van ecking that HS Live
preview, though, I thing he meant too buggery...
Anchor: Have you acquired your target?
Guido: The target right now is a working bathroom. There don't seem to
be any in Chicago, but we're still--
Anchor: Where are you now?
Guido: We're parked at a gas station somewhere out in the suburbs. I feel
confident that we... Um...
Anchor: Guido? Are you there?
Guido: Is that... It can't be... But it is!
Anchor: Guido! Whatever is the matter?
Guido: Holy shit! NUNS!!! <click>
Anchor: Well, we seem to have lost our voice feed from the BLaH Team.. and
we're now going to talk instead to BLaH member Phritz, who seems to
have been forgotten in the writing of this saga. Phritz, are you
there?
<'LIVE VIA SATELITE FROM Clergyland' logo on screen>
Phritz: Yes, I'm here.
Anchor: So, what will happen to the BLaH party as of now..
Phritz: Well, as outlined in my book "Hostage-Clergy, Clergy-Hostage : A
Study in Terrorism", Gweed and the guys will be running for their
lives for a while, eventually get tired down by the nuns' endless
energy and spunk, and then get whacked to death with rulers.
Anchor: So there is no hope for them at all?
Phritz: Well, seeing as the BLaHmobile original is out of the shop, I've
decided to hunt them down, following the trail of pagan idols that
Constantine left "just in case"... That and the help of renoun
psychic Lady CatNinja will help us recreate the events taken place
and eventually catch up to the boys.
Anchor: Fascinating.. just one question..
Phritz: What's that?
Anchor: Well, if Gweed, Connie, Chess, and NMan are lost.. and Connie and
Gweed are supposedly writing this entire saga, doesn't that give
away the ending? That they will be safe?
Phritz: Well, that's what's known as the "Cheesy Movie" syndrome. That is
to start a movie with a man telling a story, have him reflect on the
events in which his life was endangered, and expect the audience to
suspect his life is in danger. Or maybe we're giving the reader too
much credit.
Anchor: I've no idea, as I'm merely a figment of Gweed's imagination just like
Herb... like Herb.. if I could be like Herb, like Herb, like Herb,
like Herb..
Phritz: What the hell?
<Anchor gets up and leaves studio. BNN video and audio is cut>
Guido Sanchez:
Howdy all, it's me.. well, here's an interesting turn of events.. I don't
know if it's writer's block or WHAT, but every literary device and fake
character I and other BLaH members have made have deserted our minds. This
is a queer turn of events indeed, open to several philosophical interpretations
but there's no time for that now. If you see ANY of them, recognizeable by
their BLaH Holding Cell t-shirts which have a logo on the back of the shirt
that says "JUST DO ME", PLEASE rape the character and then kill them. Don't
worry, they're just figments of our collective imagination, they won't fight
and will probably enjoy it. Just put a stop to this absurdity for once and for
all. Thank you for your support. In the interim, BNN-2, BLaH News Network-2,
has been created and is staffed by REAL LIVE BLaH members and fans. This should
prevent any further development of the situation. We're depending on YOU now
to rid the world of these evil wily figments.. beware, some of them may have
read this tfile and switched shirts.. but the catch is, their skin is used to
that shirt, so the only other shirt they can wear is Raiders paraphenalia. If
you see any person wearing a Raiders cap, jacket, shirt, shoes, or briefs,
treat them as a figment as no one in their right mind would wear those clothes,
scream "Death to Crips" and gun them down. Thank you, and good night.
<Nowhere Man's Voiceover> : This.. is BNN-2.
Constantine:
Well, it seems I'm the announcer now.. <ahem>..
Will the BLaH team escape the clutches of the Hit Nuns? Will a boycott
be formed on BLaH WaReZ because of the rape reference in Guido's above
diatribE? Will Hefty Herb ever be captured? What about the rest of the
original BNN? Will James Earl Jones get a better voiceover part? Will anyone
introduce the "Beverly Hills, 90210" to euthanasia? Will I ever stop asking
rhetorical questions?
For the answers to these humdrum conundrums, tune for the next
episode: "Now THAT'S Ultraviolence!".
{---End of File... Safe-T-Clergy says "11984 Bytes Total"-------------------}
ooh.. toon in neckst tyme, d00d... kewl!
BLaH <sigh>ts
Nun-Beaters Anonymous <708>251-5094 Clergyland USA
Carbon Nation <708>965-8965 Illinois
The Insane Asylum <305>927-3028 Florida
The Realm of Death <419>475-3089 Ohio
Brain Damage <819>778-0454 Canada
File dedicated to a certain 'young' kayaking fed... soloflexes for all!
{---DD7 Line, liquid seeps into your lungs, your eyes look so serene..-----}
