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blah-038
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BLaH Ý ß Ý ÜßÜ Ý Ý
File ÝßÜ Ý ÜÝ ÝßÝÜÝ Written March 22nd, 1993
#038 Ý Ýig Ýong ÜßÝ Ýnd Ý Ýairy
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ÝÜß ÝÜÜÝ ßÜÜßÞ ÜÝ ÞÜ
Presents
Ú ÄÄ ¿
"Rant and Rave Til Dawn"
³ by ³
Guido Sanchez
À ÄÄ Ù
"There's a rainbow inside my shorts.."
[Minstrelle music in the background]
Come join me, my friends,
I'll end all your strife.
Let's play SimCity,
SimEarth and SimLife.
Or maybe we'll travel
Throughout Guido's head
Poke fun at his insides
Make fun of his Keds.
Could we imagine
What things build up 'ere?
Could we imagine
What sloshes in his ear...?
"Injected with a llama"
Remember when we were children? Shouldn't be THAT much of a
strain on your collective memories. Things we had to do, back when
prayer and ritual sacrifice were legal in school. Back when America was
AMERICA. Before we annexed Wisconsin. At the beginning of the year, we
all brought in the required sacrifice to the "beginning-of-the-school-
year-gods" which we would never see again. These were things that were
dear to me, and were often used up in those fond last moments reserved
for farewell. Those two boxes of kleenex that were greedily snatched
from us by the 'teachers' and locked up, destined to never again see
sunlight save during the last moments of their pitiful existence. First,
the blare of sunlight as the cabinet was opened. Then, the beautiful
sound of that cardboard strip being punched out and then removed that
seemed to offer a last chance to the condemn. But then the governor
would change his mind and the only thing left to feel with the clammy
stickiness of mucous followed by the spine-crunching wadding-up and
tossing into the 'sanitary' trashcan that had to be stepped on to be
opened. Ah, the subtle ways that were used to teach us submission were
always the best ones. Anyone who stood up for themselves had their spine
crunched and were thrown to be feasted upon by the ones who allowed
themselves to feel the cold harsh boot of authority on their levers. And
people wonder why I hate nuns.
"And me without my spoon"
The following segments of data compose a list of uses for
spoons. If I'm in a concave mood, there'll probably be 101.
1. Measuring out mugwump jism
2. When bent, they make great minor spheres of invulnerability
3. Offerings to Hecate
4. To eat with
5. To construct monuments from stone
6. To bathe with
7. Assistance in child birth
8. HAM? HAM IS NOT ALLOWED!
9. Euthanasia
10. Removing scabs
11. Siphoning gasoline/blood
12. Prying open bottles of Mr. Gs
This is just becoming more and more unfunny as I progress. Maybe
there's a personal lesson to learn? Maybe I'm feeling the Nausea of
Jean-Paul Sartre? Maybe I've just got.. NO TOENAILS!
"Cue the opening music!"
That's right, it's that hip new gameshow called "I'VE GOT NO
TOENAILS! Starring WINK MARTENDALE.
Remember that dragon on TIC-TAC-DOUGH? That always scared me. So did H.
R. Puffnstuff, come to think of it. I've had such a reptilious
childhood.. that IT'S GIVEN ME CARPEL TUNNEL SYNDROME! <rimSHOT>
"So Many Sheep, So Little Time"
Speaking of Wyoming, I don't think I've ever met anyone from there. If
you're from Wyoming or know someone who is, please contact me VOICE at
708-972-9946, collect if you like.
"Things that piss me off"
1. People who quote 20 lines of text, give a two word reply followed by
a two line sig with a wacky tagline displaying their intense wit <ie
"I'm not as think as you stoned I am!" oh! The humour! The classical
British spelling!>
2. People who spout off to others what they hate when others could
really care less.
"THANK YOU FOR BEING MY NOTHINGNESS!"
And I could FEEL the radiation a-flowin-a-through me! And I can see a man
flaunting his woman as proof of an effective anti-persperant. And I SAW
the VELCRO stickers on the outside from the old power glove strap-on
device that sticks to my bagel almost as tightly as the tele-vision, the
hallowed portal of faith. And I saw the GLORY of the nintendo
advertising over-priced WAREZ and the FRESHNESS provided by the MENTOS.
And then the dragon of WINK MARTINDALE attacked ST. ALEX of the TREBEK
and moved to TRIBECA to be produced by ROBERT DENIRO. And I saw the
90210 and it WAS good for I knew it to be true. And I saw the CRUEL
MOCKERY of today's SOCIETY perpetuated by the evil WRITERS of the show
who should HAVE been encouraging the actions, not MAKING FUN OF THEM.
And yet, I FELT THE BOND of KINSHIP with these writers, knowing that
CONSTANT EXPLOITATION of THE society would bring about the first AGE and
it WOULD BE called the BIG 'B' as in Beelzebub. AND aeons WOULD PASS
before the second age WOULD COME, and it WOULD be CALLED the BIG 'L' as
in LUCIFER. And WOE and TORMENT would FLOURISH like the YEAST INFECTION
until the new age of the LITTLE 'A' as in Asmodeus. And ALL would COWER
in FEAR and LOATHING of this new aeon, for WEEKS on end until THE coming
of the BIG 'H' as in HAMBURGER HELPER. And GU*DO would PUT DOWN THE d&d
BOOK, dieties AND demigods, and REVERT TO THE PRIMAL instinct of
ORIGINALITY. And THEN family feud WOULD appear with THE special THIS
week being NUNS versus MONKS part TWO the REVENGE. And THEN the second
coming of ROSEANNE WOULD come, heralding THE end of THE GOLDEN AEON of
SET, as THE PUN hath HERALDED the END of THIS spurt. May DR. SHOAL have
MERCY on OUR SOLES.
"Calm down.. Mockery is everywhere.."
Catholick Catchphrases that Didn't Make It
When someone thinks of a catholick, one distinct phrase pops into
their head. The words "Narrow-minded Biggots" are almost as synonymous
with the Catholic church as "Genocidal Capitalist Pigs". But the church
that you've come to know and loathe as the Universal church didn't
always have such a high-profile catchphrase to describe itself. Through
the papist reigns of Pope Morticia II to Pope Gomez I, cardinals were
hard at work developing a catchphrase that would make the Catholic
church both appealing to the common man and arousing when spoken
backwards. [i don't know about you guys, but the mere thought of someone
saying 'Lasrevinu' is enough to get me wetter than a mad hen] The BLaH
Archeological Society Towards Another Radik00l Discovery, or BASTARD,
recently stumbled upon these scrolls tossed away with the pizza boxes of
ancient Rome. Below are the translations from the original Latin.
"Give me Jesus or give me death"
"Oh God! You Devil!"
"I Like God"
"I Feel Like Jesus Tonight.. Jesus Tonight!"
"Ok, so we were neither Holy, nor Roman, nor an Empire. Discuss and die,
pagan scum"
"We're Sorry" <I can see why this one wasn't used>
"Blame The Pope!"
"It's a Man's Life"
"Remember Golgotha"
"I Brake For God"
"And Justice For All..."
"The First One's On The House"
"Hey! It sold more copies than Mein Kampf!"
"Here's a story.. of a girl named Mary.."
"At Least We're Not Jewish" <can't see why this one didn't work>
[for those of you <hi Simon W.!> who may be pissed at me for that last
one, realize or don't that Catholickism and Judaism are PRACTICALLY THE
SAME belief systems, off of the SAME BOOK. Hence the irony.]
"You'll never have to think again"
and the number one ex-catchphrase...
"We Were Here First"
"So, umm, how ABOUT them holy wars?"
So BYU <Brigham Young University, a MORMON college> beat SMU <Southern
Methodist University, a <gasp> SOUTHERN METHODIST college> in the
ACNA seminalfinals. What does this say about mainstream protestantism?
Is it failing in the light of the one true AMERICAN religion, or is this
slack attributed to the Branch Davidians? The World May Never Know.
TheEnd.. Umm, thanks for being my psychologist.. I'll be surprised if
this file makes it to BLaH HQ.. if I released every little spurt in my
head, you'd be up to your isles of langerhans in tfiles. We couldn't
have that, now could we? enjoy...... gweed
SLOW DRIP! SLOW DRIP!
{---End of File. The Summer Sun's Callin My Name, I hear ya now..---}
Hamu desu ka? Hamu wa dame desu yo.
BLaH <Sigh>ts..
Nun-Beaters Anonymous <708>251-5094
The Battle of Evermore <312>476-1508
The Obloid Sphere <708>965-3098
This from the guy who watched all 30 hours of MST3k's Turkey Day
Marathon. All I wanna do is do the zoom zoom zoom and the boom sha lock lock
boom.
{---Virgin Hole Infest. Anal Spewing Cess. Your Dead Child I Defile.---}
