Copy Link
Add to Bookmark
Report
blah-027
Ü ÜßÝ Ü Ü Ü
ßÝ ßÝ Ý Ý Ý
Ý Û Ý Ý Ý
BLaH Ý ß Ý ÜßÜ Ý Ý
File ÝßÜ Ý Ý ÝßÝÜÝ Written Sept. 6th, 1992
#027 Ý Ýig Ýong Üßß Ýnd Ý Ýairy
Ý Ý Ý Þ Ý Ý Ý
ÝÜß ÝÜÜÝ ßÜÜßÞ ÜÝ ÞÜ
Presents
Ú ÄÄ ¿
"The Search for Hefty Herb, pt.1"
³ by ³
The Blah News Network
À ÄÄ Ù
¿Ä¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
³ÚÙ ³¿³ ³¿³
³Ä¿LaH ³À´ews ³À´etwork
ÙÄÙ Ù Ù Ù Ù
<James Earl Jones Voiceover>: This... is BNN.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄî <leaf of Michelangelo's David>
BLaH Headquarters Dispatch-- URGENT!!
At approximately 8:04 AM, CST on September 6th, BLaH technicians
discovered that Hefty Herb, beloved by children and dyslexics everywhere,
had disappeared. He had been "accomodated" in the Alter-Ego Holding Cells in
Duluth, Minnesota; home to many literary reflections including the Clockwork
Banana Killer, the Stereotypical Moron, the entire BLaH News Network and a
small army of Average Joes.
Upon delivering his usual breakfast (56 big macs, 28 large fries,
18 apple pies and a small diet coke), guards discovered Herb's cell to have
been forced open and empty save for a note which read:
"I don't need to tell ya
That I'm not at home,
I'm a black stereotype
And I'm off to roam.
Tell Chessman and Connie and especially Guido,
That I'm embarkin' to find my own libido.
Tired of rappin' inside perverted minds,
Doin all the work while they sit upon their hinds.
So I'm leavin this joint, this holdin' cell
Gonna drum me up some business while I'm raisin' hell.
You'll see me up there in the center ring
'Cause ghetto rap is a nineties thing.
I'm off ta get some grits and some nice cornpone,
So don't try to find me! Just leave me alone!
- J. Herbert Heiffer"
The note in question was immediately disposed of by the Toxic Rhyme
division of the Chicago bomb squad. BLaH security chief Angus "Pansy" McBrutal
was quoted as saying, "This boy could cause some real trouble if he gets his
hands on a microphone.. Rap that bad has to be kept isolated for public
safety, not to mention Herb's own good." He was later, unofficially, quoted
as saying, "I'd like to work that little hoodlum over with a cattle prod
or two [times two equals my IQ]."
An emergency meeting of the BLaH high command resolved that a pursuit
team would be sent out immediately. The task force was composed of Guido
Sanchez, Chessman, Constantine and Nowhere Man; who made preparations to
depart in the BLaHmobile (a restored '68 thunderbird with nitrous booster,
bulletproof armor and a selection of onboard weaponry that would make James
Bond jealous including an orgasmatron).
Unfortunately, it was in the shop, so they had to make do with the
janitor's Yugo. After christening it the "BLaHmobile II : A New Beginning",
loading their gear, unloading, repacking and reloading their gear, making a
frantic fumble for the window controls followed by a lengthy philosophical
discourse on who, exactly, had "cut the cheese", repacking again to make room
for the wet bar (this being, after all, a search PARTY), and stopping four or
five times so everybody could go to the bathroom, the intrepid team was
underway.
As of this report, headquarters had lost contact with the expedition
somewhere within the Illinois borders (actually, about two blocks away from
HQ). We expect further dispatches on the hour, or whenever they find a
pay phone that will be fooled by Chessman's clumsy whistling of 2600 hz tones.
Stay tuned, true believers.
<Ä-Ä-Ä-Ä->
<James Earl Jones Voiceover>: This... is BNN.
<Ä-Ä-Ä-Ä->
Announcer : Next.. On Hairy String Jive.. Hairy jives with Newt Gingrich..
<cut to studio, lightbulbs on back wall form the shape of a phallus>
Hairy String : So, tell me Newt, what the hell kind of a name IS "Newt" anyway?
Newt Gingrich : Well, My actual first name is John the 3rd, but my parents
nicknamed me "Newt" after the amphibian on account of how slimy
and devious I was at an early age. This made me the youngest
qualified member of the Republican party at the age of 6. Plus,
it makes up for my sexual inadequacies and covers up the fact
that I enjoy molesting little boys. And I _want_ the public to
know that, that I'm the kinda regular guy that can admit these
things.
Hairy String : Umm, Mr. Gingrich, this isn't MTV, and I'm not Ted Nugent.
The average 18-28 year old doesn't watch this show because it's
almost as entertaining as watching a bunch of old men bitch at
each other, like that show "Mossfire". The only youth you could
rally through this show are those too smart to vote for you in
the first place, so could you please drop this charade?
Newt Gingrich : Oh, my mistake. You _do_ look a lot like Tabitha Soren though..
<laughter in the studio>
Announcer : Tonight on BNN..
<Ä-Ä-Ä-Ä->
<James Earl Jones Voiceover>: This... is BNN.
<Ä-Ä-Ä-Ä->
<cut to the BNN Newsroom in Mentally, Illinois>
Although we at BNN have not yet regained contact with the Hefty Herb
search party, it seems someone else has already located them--
a videotape of last night's secret meeting of GEEK (God's Evangelical
Evisceration Krusade, also known as Mansonites for Jesus), has been delivered
to us by a BNN Newswolf, and its contents are disturbing indeed.
Following the opening hymn ("Cain was Misunderstood"), the white-
masked Great Geek stood before the congregation to deliver this speech:
"Geeks! Hear my words! For months our enemy, the vile BLaH, has
dared to spread mortal sin across the world in the form of 'text files'.
They promote such base heresies as free thought, personal responsibility,
and enjoying life! They even go so far as to support having what passese for a
SENSE OF HUMOR!"
(At this point, cries of "Kill them! Jihad!" arise from the
congregation).
"But we shall have victory! Four of the organization's leaders
have journeyed out into the world in search of an escaped literary device!
They have been spotted, and WE SHALL HAVE THEM!"
(Roars of audience approval).
"A bug was planted on their Vehicle of Sin-- just LISTEN to the
evils they spread!"
(The Great Geek plays a hastily-edited reel-to-reel tape; voices
of the BLaH teammates are heard).
"Hey! Who cut it again!?"
"Wasn't me!"
"It was him!"
"Why did you invite him, anyway?"
"Me? I thought YOU invited him!"
"Anybody want a copy of the Whore virus?"
"Pass the fritos and coke, will ya?"
"Are we THERE yet?"
(The Geek turns off the recorder).
"THERE, my children! The voices of SIN! And FORNICATION! And
ICKY STUFF!"
(The congregation is clamoring for blood).
"BLaH must be destroyed for family values to survive! There is
a hit team of elite nuns on their trail right now, and they will not fail!
Death to the unbelievers!"
(Congregation response: "Death to the unbelievers!")
"And what does God need to kill them?"
(Congregation response: "Money!")
The BLaH mission task force remains unavailable for comment.
Reliable reports indicate that the communications specialist on the mission,
Nowhere Man, left our office phone number in his other wallet. But with luck
a new wallet will be programmed in C, with a fancy IDE, rumored to even support
Microsoft Windows 3.1 <they DID bring a laptop and acoustic couplers, of
course>.
<Ä-Ä-Ä-Ä->
<James Earl Jones Voiceover>: This... is BNN.
<Ä-Ä-Ä-Ä->
Bernard sPa: Yes, that is the latest in the Hefty Herb trek. In other BLaH
news, rumors have been spreading concerning the gender of Nowhere Man.
Apparently, voice contact with the notorious hacker have purported that the Man
is actually a Woman. No further information has been available, but research
has shown that this entire segment was indeed just a stupid ploy of BLaH
resulting from a conversation with Nowhere Man. I am, just as Herb was, a cheap
literary device, and am to be transferred to the A/E Cells in Duluth as I am
reading this.
<Ä-Ä-Ä-Ä->
<James Earl Jones Voiceover>: This... is BNN.
<Ä-Ä-Ä-Ä->
To be continued in The Search For Hefty Herb Pt. 2 <or> How I Found The Plot
Device And What I Did To Him When I Found Him. With a tip of the hat to
Malaclypse the Younger...
Constantine and Guido Sanchez [BNN Pentagon Correspondents>
'`'`End Of File'`'`Safe-T-Nutz v0.96á says "10148 Bytes Total"`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'
Wolf Wolf Wolf Wolf! <pumping fist in the air>
Enjoy this file? Be sure not to call these BLaH <sigh>ts then..
Ù ÄÄ À
Nun-Beaters Anonymous <708>251-5094 Carbon Nation <708>965-8965
³
The Realm Of Death <419>475-3089 The insane Asylum <305>927-3028
¿ ÄÄ Ú
{!PropagandaLine 708251509470825150947082515094708251509470825150947082515094}
