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File ÝßÜ Ý ÜÝ ÝßÝÜÝ Written August 3rd, 1992
#010 Ý Ýig Ýong ÜßÝ Ýnd Ý Ýairy
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Presents
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"Fun at a Discount"
³ by ³
Constantine
À ÄÄ Ù
It's happened to everyone at one time or another-- you trod on
down to your local Generic-Mart in need of a few simple items, only to
have a five-minute trip turn into a two-hour shopping nightmare. The
clerks treat you like shit, nobody wants to help you find anything, and
you are followed around the store by a guy wearing a neon sign on his
forehead that says "PLAINCLOTHES SECURITY". Not exactly a bastion of
humanity.
So what's to be done? As a reasonably able-bodied, intelligent
person, you have three options at this point. You can submit to the
tyranny of the big faceless department store and humbly take the abuse,
lay down fifteen bucks for a couple of spark plugs and a pack of gum,
and thank the cashier before you leave. This is the option chosen by
99% of consumers. YOU should know better.
You can compensate for your frustration and lost time by helping
yourself to some of the store's goods, but that's trite, not worth it
if you get caught, and really unimaginative. That brings us to the third
option-- do it the honourable way, the anarchist way, and the BLaH way...
Screw 'em. Screw 'em good.
When your good intentions have been thwarted by indifferent,
hostile and just plain incompetent clerks, the least you can do is return
the favour. While there is no substitute for originality, this tfile will
offer some ways for you to turn a staid, stuffy department store into a
hellish, mind-bending carnival of FUN! (For you and your friends, that
is. For the jerks who work there, it's just hellish and mindbending.)
I have arranged suggestions by department, most of which are found
at any K-Mart or WalMart. Just remember-- don't go it alone. Make sure
to have at least one good friend (hopefully somebody who has also been
victimized by the store) there to back you up and act as lookout while
you perpetuate your nefarious scams. Having a backup person can save your
ass in case Mr. Assistant Manager comes strolling by, and corroberate
your story if (Gods forbid) you DO get caught...
AUTO PARTS:
Here, I will provide a number of ideas that are applicable to nearly
every department. The idea is to get the store in trouble with customers,
thereby losing (undeserved) business. You know those little blister packs
of spark plugs and the like? Use an x-acto knife, bent paper clip, or
something similar to wedge the package open, then remove one little part.
If you do it carefully, the package will appear intact and the vital part
won't be missed until the customer takes it home. Then Mr. Unhappy Customer
has to come all the way back to the store to get a replacement... Do make
sure to stuff the part you remove somewhere inconspicuous, hopefully in
another aisle-- that way, if you get caught later, they can't accuse you
of stealing the part.
Cars need lots of liquids. Oil, lubricants, and such provide
wonderful opportunities for substitution. Simply bring in a caustic
substance (like muriatic acid, readily available at pool stores) in a
small vial and slip it into the mix-- results vary depending on the
substances (chemists, have a ball!), but the customer will, as in the
above example, take the product home only to find it completely unusable
at the least. Many liquid products have plastic neck-seals-- don't
worry about it. Just make sure the seal is COMPLETELY removed, and the
customer probably won't even notice that the product has been tampered
with. PLEASE don't do this with food products; you want to harass
a retail establishment, not kill people. Speaking of food products, this
brings us to...
CAFETERIAS
Lots of big department stores have mini-cafeterias where you can
get stale food and horrible imitation Slurpees. Just think of the pranks
from your average high school cafeteria, and apply it here. Using crazy
glue to attach plastic mugs, plates, etc., to the tables is rather childish,
but causes a tremendous hassle for the cleaning staff (and renders a table
fairly unusable until they clear the stuff away).
Here's one for the strong of stomach: rummage through local garbage
cans and get some nice, plump maggots. Keep them in a baggie or vial and
go to the cafeteria, order a burger, and make a live maggot sandwich. Then
run up to the clerk (or manager, even better) and LOUDLY complain about the
maggots in your food. This will not only clear out the entire cafeteria,
cause massive business losses and possibly bring the health department down
on the store, the store may offer you MUCHO compensation to keep you quiet.
As a supplement, or an alternative, sprinkle maggots over the cooking food
(this one is very difficult, but well-timed distractions can get you
ANYWHERE.)
CLOCKS
Clocks! Clocks with alarms! What joy! It doesn't take much to
figure this one out. You and your accomplices set every single alarm
clock and clock-radio to go off in fifteen minutes hence. Then, remove
thyselves to the other side of the store. Make sure to crank the volumes
up to the max before departing.
COMPUTERS
Do I really have to elaborate? Department stores that sell
computers (usually shitty 8086 clones or remaindered Commodores) are
just begging to be hit. Simply break into whatever cheesy demo they
have running and load (from disks you have prepared beforehand) a nice
little endless loop proclaiming the message of your choice. I suggest
"THIS STORE EATS SHIT!! BLaH RULES!!", but you may wish to expand upon
it. Leave quickly and watch from a distance. If you're lucky, some
Moral Majority stooge will see it, get VERY offended and chew out the
manager. Did I say "Moral Majority"? That reminds me...
MAGAZINES
Fun with reading material. Most department chains sell the kind
of Harold Robbins/Jackie Collins/Family Circle crap that panders to the
type of people who have never seen the inside of a real bookstore (i.e.
their regular clientele). Maybe you should expand their cultural
horizions by "donating" some reading material of your own? Reading
material like, oh, back issues of "High Times", "Satanist's Quarterly" and
select kiddie porn...? Leave your "planted" magazines in very obvious
locations, so lots and lots of people see the evil smut that the store
is pushing. If they have a little nook for kid's coloring books, make
sure to leave a few porn mags right in front.
At that point, it's only a matter of time until someone starts
bitching. In a baptist community, thirty seconds (after they get done
leafing through the kiddie porn). Then stand back and watch Mr. Manager
catch hell. If nothing seems to be catching, you can start bitching
yourself, but it's just not as much fun as watching a mother of four
children react to seeing Little Billy holding the new issue of "Wet
and Ready".
CUSTOMERS
Customers can be lots of fun, because so many of them are gullible
sheep who accept just about everything blindly. Most store clerks wear
uniforms with very basic colour combinations like blue and white-- if you
happen to be wearing those colours that day, and a customer mistakes YOU
for a store employee, you can hardly be blamed for their ignorance...
Don't worry about nametags-- if you wear something fairly nerdy in clashing
colours and walk around stiffly, straightening things here and there, you'll
be AMAZED how many people will just walk up to you and start asking
questions, regardless of how little you match the store uniform.
Use your anarchist tendencies and your imagination to tailor the
situation to the customer. If some asshole walks up and starts complaining
to you about some product, tell him to take another one, on the house,
for being such a good customer. He will, of course, and you can wave to
him as store security intercepts him at the door.
If the customer wants to know about prices, give him a rediculously
low quote. When he tries to check out and gets charged about 500% more,
he'll probably raise hell with the cashier and never shop there again. If
they need to find something, send them to the other side of the store. No
matter what they do, be courteous and agreeable as you screw them over.
Of course, if a store clerk notices, YOU are free from blame. You
were just standing around in your street clothes that HAPPEN to look like
the store uniform (this is why you don't bother faking a nametag, etc.),
when this customer made a stupid mistake. Not your problem.
SUMMARY
Of course, this is just a small, small selection of all the mayhem
possible in retail stores. I have provided it as a starting point for your
own twisted schemes, and I will follow up with future tfiles outlining
specific acts of social violence for other public places and businesses.
Always plan out what you are going to do before you do it, and
make sure your accomplices are familiar with the plan. Recon the store
first and note how busy it is, how many employees are out on the floor,
locations of security cameras and mirrors, etc. Know before you go.
As far as severity, make sure the punishment fits the crime. If
one clerk in the whole store was rude to you, don't blow up the building
in retaliation. Dish out exactly what you recieved, and make sure you
don't hurt the wrong people. "Anarchy" does not mean "stupid", nor does
it mean "random sadism". It's your karma, pal. Of course, if you really
have been wronged, pull no punches.
You never need to run out of ideas for creative mayhem, as long
as you keep your eyes open and brain active. Your greatest weapon is
your imagination, because it's imagination that the assholes of the world
LACK and don't UNDERSTAND. Use it wisely, and you'll never go wrong.
Do it the BLaH way.
{-----The End-------------------------------------------------------------}
If anyone wants to reach me, I can be located on the Hell Bound BBS
(708-965-8965). I am currently compiling favorite anarchist tactics for a
large tfile or miniseries on Creative Mayhem and Social Violence, so please
share your tried and true terror techniques (and alliteration) by relaying
them to me or any BLaH member. I will credit any ideas given. If you have
suggestions for future files or improvements, drop me a line. Until next
time, keep pushing the envelope.
{---End of File... Safe-T-Nutz 0.90á says "11753 Bytes Total"-------------}
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