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Birmingham Telecommunications News 043
BTN: Birmingham Telecommunications News
COPYRIGHT 1992 ISSN 1055-4548
January 1992 Volume 5, Issue 1
Table Of Contents
-----------------
Article Title Author
Policy Statement and Disclaimer................Staff
Publisher's Corner.............................Mark Maisel
Whatever Happened To...........................Tim Straughn
Music Revue....................................Joseph Ray
Review: Borzoi Online Handbook................Mark Maisel
The Reality of Love............................Shawn Trucks
THE OFFLINE READER MENACE......................Jet Thomas
Music Review...................................Michael Davidson
Notes From The Trenches........................Dean Costello
The Adventures of R.G. Strangemind & Herbert...Jeremy Lewis
The Meandering Themes of Colby.................Colby Gibson
Surprise! Surprise!...........................MoeDog
Special Interest Groups (SIGs).................Barry Bowden
Known BBS Numbers..............................Staff
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Disclaimer and Statement of Policy for BTN
We at BTN try our best to assure the accuracy of articles and
information in our publication. We assume no responsibility for damage
due to errors, omissions, etc. The liability, if any for BTN, its
editors and writers, for damages relating to any errors or omissions,
etc., shall be limited to the cost of a one year subscription to BTN,
even if BTN, its editors or writers have been advised of the likelihood
of such damages occurring.
With the conclusion of that nasty business, we can get on with our
policy for publication and reproduction of BTN articles. We publish
monthly with a deadline of the fifteenth of the month prior to
publication. If you wish to submit an article, you may do so at any
time but bear in mind the deadline if you wish for your work to appear
in a particular issue. It is not our purpose to slander or otherwise
harm a person or reputation and we accept no responsibility for the
content of the articles prepared by our writers. Our writers own their
work and it is protected by copyright. We allow reprinting of articles
from BTN with only a few restrictions. The author may object to a
reprint, in which case he will specify in the content of his article.
Otherwise, please feel free to reproduce any article from BTN as long as
the source, BTN, is specified, and as long as the author's name and the
article's original title are retained. If you use one of our articles,
please forward a copy of your publication to:
Mark Maisel
Editor, BTN
221 Chestnut St.
BHM, AL 35210-3219
(205)-956-0176
We thank you for taking the time to read our offering and we hope that
you like it. We also reserve the right to have a good time while doing
all of this and not get too serious about it.
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F R E E B I E : G E T I T W H I L E I T S H O T !
The following boards allow BTN to be downloaded freely, that is with no
charge to any existing upload/download ratios.
The Connection Alter-Ego Arkham Asylum
Channel 8250 Little Kingdom Joker's Castle
Crunchy Frog Myth Drannor Owl's Nest
MATRIX Abject Poverty The Bus
The Outer Limits Bloom County The Round Table
DC Info Exchange Radio Free Troad Owlabama BBS
Amiga Alliance ][ DataLynx Martyrdom Again?!
If you are a sysop and you allow BTN to be downloaded freely, please let
me know via EZNet so that I can post your board as a free BTN
distributor. Thanks. MM
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N E W S F L A S H
The First Annual
Birmingham BBSer's
Celebrity Roast
Okay, we have a few new developments, so pay attention!
FIrst the price of the tickets is $15.00.......a lousy $15.00!!!
For a great evening with people who are as deranged as you (you might
even learn a few new tricks!) this is indeed a small expense, so stop
being a tightwad and dig into your recess money and try to find
someone who can tolerate your company for an evening! For $30.00 a
couple you can have a few laughs and you might even get lucky in the
bargain!
We have been able, thru the good graces of Colonel's Corner in
Trussville Alabama, to set up a telephone ticket ordering service for
all of you hot shots who use that plastic money! Call 205-640-4139
and tell Doug your innermost secrets, then after he finishes laughing,
give him your Visa or Mastercard number and WHAMO!!!!!...Just like
that you'll have your tickets waiting for you at the door! If you
have to mail in the bucks, the address is Colonel's Corner......Route
#2, Box 108-K, Trussville, Alabama, 35173. Yes, at the Roast we'll be
accepting lots of grief, and we will be taking a lot of Personal
suggestions about boards and such, but we DON'T take American Express!
The Date is January 31st.......the time is 7:00, the place is the
Holiday Inn at the Airport exit of Interstate 59/20 in Birmingham,
Alabama. You need some help with something, call one of us!
Oh yeah, as if it really matters, you'll be eating Beef Tips in
some kind of sauce and a couple of veggies and something or other to
drink............Call now and start the new year right!
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Publisher's Corner
by Mark Maisel
The Night The Ole Hard Disk Died
My hardy and heavily used Seagate 251-1 had held up admirably.
Sometime in the past 3-4 months, it began to give me problems. Strange
things would happen: Programs that loaded just fine would mysteriously
bomb when loading, leaving me with a horrifying disk error. I'd run PC
Tool's DISKFIX and sometimes recover the program. Sometimes not.
COMMAND.COM would begin disappearing, leaving me to have to boot from a
floppy diskette. Data files that had been perfectly good would begin to
have errors and/or disappear entirely. The occurrences grew more
frequent as time passed. I wasn't sure what was the problem, but
assumed that a low level format might help. I decided to try DR DOS
6.0, a fine product, by the way, so I backed what was left of the data
on the drive, and then proceeded to low level format the drive. I then
went through the installation procedure and set up the whole drive as
one big partition. Guess what, the errors remained. My finances are
not as flexible as usual because of the upcoming expenses with Kathy. As
a result, I could not purchase a new HD. Mine worsened by the day.
Some days it would not boot, and I would have to run from a floppy. I
was getting desperate. I knew that my insane friend, Tom Egan,
sometimes tinkered with strange things like bad HDs. I called him to
tell him about the drive. He let loose with one his twisted sounding
cackles and said, "sure, bring it over. I'll fix it, I hope. If not,
oh well.".
Kathy and I showed up at Tom's place a few days later with drive in
hand. He cackled some more and started making all manner of
disconcerting noises and comments in regards to what he planned for my
drive. Someone not knowing Tom as well as I might have become very
nervous and decide to back out. I knew better and let him have at it.
We went down to his very dusty, dirty basement/workshop and he set to
work. He pulled out his tools and warmed up the oscilloscope. He
checked the drive circuitry and signals with the scope. All checked
out. He said, "lets crack the shell on this baby and see what we can
break!". He popped the top off of it and fired it up to watch what
would happen. Remember, this was not done in anything remotely
resembling the clean environment that is said to be necessary for HD
repairs. He was smoking and not paying much attention to his ashes or
smoke. I was watching with great interest as Tom tried to elicit a
reaction from both the HD and myself. Kathy watched for a while but
eventually became disturbed at his antics. I suggested that perhaps the
positioning band was lose and that was a cause of trouble. He checked
it and decided it needed tightening. While being tightened, it broke.
We went through Tom's HD grave yard to find a comparable drive from
which to take another band. One was found and while the drive was
disassembled, we played "Frisbee"(tm) with the platters. That was an
interesting experience. We used freon to clean the platters and then
canned air to dry them. Tom placed the platters back on the spindle and
applied power to the drive. It didn't spin up. He decided that the
spindle needed lubrication. Without removing the platters, he very
liberally sprayed "WD- 40"(tm) onto the platters and everywhere else he
could reach in the drive. The drive still refused to spin, but that was
now due to the thick sludge left by the lubricant on the platters.
Trails were left in the muck by the read/write heads when Tom manually
spun the platters. It was not a pretty sight. Tom again washed the
whole mess in freon, this time without removing the platters, so
basically, freon was poured over the platters and everywhere else in the
case. He then used the canned air to remove the freon residue and dry
the mess. He went overboard and didn't stop with the air till there was
about 1/8 inch of frost on the platters. Tom then proceeded to warm the
platters under a handy 150 watt flood lamp he kept on his workbench. He
eventually got it right and we were able to spin the drive back up to
speed. The new positioning band was installed, and the heads once again
were able to move across the platters.
We took the drive over to his computer, which conveniently had a
251-1 in it. He removed it and plugged mine in its place. It didn't
spin. He pulled mine back out and opened it again. He repeated his
diabolical abuse on the drive once again. He got it to spin once it was
placed back into the computer. He then proceeded to low level format
the drive. It had lots of errors but it had gotten too late in the
evening for us to keep working on it. Tom opted to keep the drive and to
tinker with it more the next day. This he did, and in the afternoon of
the following day, he called, triumphant; "Mark, I fixed the drive!
There was a bad head causing all of the errors. The drive formatted
error free so it looks healthy!". He brought the drive over shortly
after that and we installed it. I low level formatted it again with my
controller and it came up with no errors. I then ran Spinrite on it, at
its most rigorous setting. Spinrite found and marked 8Kbytes of space
on the drive as bad. All is well that ends well.
Now, I want to tell you a few things about this service of Tom's.
He does not do this for folks as a sideline or regular favor. He did it
for me only in the hopes that he could scare the hell out of me with his
antics. He knew I had basically written off the drive and anything he
might do that worked was a bonus. DO NOT ASK HIM TO REPAIR EQUIPMENT!
You will be taking your life into your hands if you do. He maintains a
frenetic pace in life and rarely stops to work on his own equipment, let
alone that of others. I related the story to you in hopes that you
would be entertained.
Oh yes, Rocky, your 600Meg'ers are next!
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What Ever Happened To ....
by Tim Straughn
Things are different. What things? Things in general relating to
the Birmingham BBS community. Why are they different? I certainly
don't know, but I have some ideas and opinions. Are they better? In my
honest opinion, no. Who changed them? I don't know that either, but
perhaps I am not so innocent of being at least part of the cause of some
of the changes I don't like.
I remember days when one had to call several different boards in
town to keep up a good BBS social life and maintain some rapport with
the local sysops. Sysops helped sysops with problems, of any kind, by
answering comments from those sysops requesting assistance with a phone
call instead of comment reply. We heard each other's voices on more
occasions than we typed at each other. We were a very close knit
clique. Well, maybe not when I first got started in the BBS world, but
shortly thereafter when boards were springing up like weeds, one of
which was my own.
We used to call up the other systems, and invite a handful of other
sysops over for a few beers and bull sessions to compare notes on good
users and problem users and work together developing doors and system
maintenance programs. I even remember one such meeting which changed
from a programming consortium to a political discussion which resulted
in the two debators literally standing in chairs and shouting at each
other while others present were scrambling for cover. These invitations
usually had to be sent out at least a week or so in advance so the
parties concerned and invited could have time to plan to attend. One
such gathering took place on a farm some 20 miles south of Birmingham
where a lot of us that had never met face to face did so. Some of us
got blitzed, some of us cooked, most of us ate too much. Some of us
explored an abandoned milking barn whilst others chased chickens. Though
the majority of us had never met, we socialized like we'd known each
other for years, almost like a high school class reunion. Most
importantly, we had fun.
During that gathering, we also came up with a new concept for the
Birmingham area. Networking of the local message bases. Wow! Wouldn't
it be great if I could send a message from my system to another sysop
without anyone else knowing about it except he and I? On the very next
day, such a system came to be. It was dubbed EzNet. Channel 8250 and
The Bus System were linked privately for some six months with Ed O'Neill
and myself passing messages back and forth testing the system and
discussing the operation and making plans for it to become a public
system for all user's to enjoy. A single conference on two systems that
kept the same messages was created, and was considered the best thing
since shirt pockets. Then we went public with it, each of us leaving
just one public message to each other, and we were overwhelmed with the
reception of the idea. Several people had input into the design and
operation of the system, and we all were pleased with a local system.
Now, the programs and scripts and batches written for that system
are no longer in use because of the inability of the authors of the code
to support it. Not that they were inept, but real life kind of got in
the way, and the system gave way to bigger, better, faster, prettier
programs that all we had to do is set up, and not modify code for. That
private little network has now gone interstate (at least to Georgia) and
it is no longer Birmingham's private little network. I watched it grow
from 2 to 5 to 21 boards at one time, and I have no idea how many are
running an `EzNet' conference now. It isn't EzNet anymore. There's
nothing Ez about it anymore. I often thought of reviving the `real'
EzNet, but it was too much like re-inventing the wheel with little
expectation of any reward at all (like someone actually using it).
Am I saying that just because we don't use that program that I
helped write, that the EzNet system isn't as good? Not at all. The
programs now in use are much more efficient and goof proof than ever
before, and require a lot less sophisticated batch files. Is this
better? Maybe. The program wasn't EzNet. WE were EzNet. When I say
we, I refer to the original attendees of that party on Fred McMaster's
farm. For a major change in the BBS community, we introduced a new
concept. BBS's that cooperated with each other, versus every BBS
competing with each other trying to have the largest user file. That
was, I believe, the first time in Birmingham BBS history that many
sysop's were in one room without a shouting match starting about my
board's better than your board.
Then came BTN: a concept introduced by Mark Maisel and supported
by the same group of people. Its intention was and is to solicit all of
Birmingham for opinions, tutorials, and reviews in which anyone could
write about most anything. Mark was nominated as editor. He certainly
deserves the title because if nothing else, he has given his soul to it.
Without him, BTN would not have a Library of Congress number (ISSN, a
strong means of copyright protection for US periodicals). Without his
relentless badgering of the writers, the publication would have dried up
and withered away as have several attempts at a similar effort. It too
grew from a local newsletter to a national event. It too, like EzNet
has grown very large.
I guess what my missgivings amount to is whether or not bigger is
better. I see nothing wrong with BTN or EzNet being large. Being
large, however, takes away some of the sparkle of a small family of
boards and tight knit sysops. I don't feel nearly as close to either
BTN or EzNet as I used to. Since's BTN's growth to national
recognition, I have seen articles in it that I thought very unfitting
for a community publication of which the original intent was to promote
BBS'ing for all ages and show the public that the BBS community was not
some secret organization of phreaker's and hackers out to install a
virus in every computer in the world. There was even an occasion where
a third grader was given a copy to take to school by his grandfather,
which contained an article with several occurances of a four letter word
that is not quite suitable to be read to third graders.
Perhaps my dismay is founded on the fact that I didn't grow with
BTN and EzNet. I certainly was part of both from the onset, and have
contributed to both. However, an extended stay away from Birmingham on
a job disassociated me with both, considerably. I became a stranger
that everyone knew. There are people that I see at recent BTN parties
that know me, and I don't know some of them from Adam's housecat. I
have seen some less than desirable influences on both BTN and EzNet be
made celebrities, and have been condemned for speaking out against it. I
simply voiced an opinion, and that opinion was in difference to the
current majority associated with EzNet and BTN, so I squelched and
became a lurker.
What, or who has changed, me, or EzNet and BTN? I used to feel
quite comfortable at the BTN parties, but now feel almost like a fifth
wheel at them. I know only a very small percentage of the people that
come to them, and even they have proven that I am only acquainted with
them, and don't really know them, at least some of them have. I didn't
grow with all the other boards in town. I haven't spent lavish amounts
of money on my system on 9600 baud modems and extra phone lines and long
distance networks. I never thought I needed them. Was I wrong? Are
these now the criteria for a `great' BBS? Is it now necessary to have
200+ conferences networked all the way to Australia to have a popular
BBS? Is it now necessary to offend someone's sensibilities
intellectually to become a prominent member of this massive system? Is
it an absolute must for a message to have to travel all the way to New
York or Seattle to be worth writing? What really makes a board worth
calling?
On a regular basis, during the growth stages of EzNet, there was
strife and controversy. During those times, EzNet was very alive. Now,
EzNet is so full of apathy, even I cannot stir up controversy. EzNet is
so diluted with prattle it is impossible to carry on a serious
discussion of any kind in the conference. Oh no! I have suggested the
need for topic police! EzNet's a great place to go for testing one's
wit, but not much else. It is no longer a place to express opinions,
because a serious topic will be swallowed away by the tons of
meaningless drivel. By the time someone who may be otherwise interested
in a particular topic gets to it, his/her brain has been blitzed by so
many people trying to be funny. It isn't funny to me anymore.
Some of this may be misconstrued as bitter apples because my own
system has become a little known small board. Actually, I like a small
system with a close small group of regular callers. However, I do have
a large number of new users registering monthly, most of which only seem
interested in scrounging around in the file libraries. A good many of
them learn what it is like to ignore warnings about file transfers. I
have even given up conferences to other boards because the users of that
conference wanted a national echo. Calling into my system meant adding
one more day to the turn-around on a message, so suddenly, the users of
that conference simply started calling the Hub system to eliminate that
delay. I guess efficiency was the most important aspect of the
messaging of those conferences.
Perhaps another contributor to the mass of messages in EzNet today
is the development and widespread growth of offline readers. These
things make it too easy to answer mail to not answer a whole lot of it.
Too many messages without anything to say are entered pounding away at
anything of any importance or value, pummelling so deep into the dirt
that it's no wonder few topics survive long enough to receive any real
discussion. I remember long threads by Brett Thorn and Jet Thomas. I
could read these for hours, and never catch up. The best part of all,
though, was that the topics were interesting. There was quantity, and
quality, and a very good balance of both.
Perhaps I am looking for something a bit too serious in a
conference with an audience as diverse as EzNet. Perhaps I should
change like all the other boards and pick up national echoes. But
wouldn't this just make my system like all the others, giving very
little reason to be called, or at least no advantage to being called? I
don't like thinking so hard to come up with some gimmick that no one
else is using, to make the system so different from the others, but I
don't feel that being exactly like the others has any benefit either.
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Music Revue
by Joseph Ray
To each his own, I guess. But music is somehting that is endearing
to all of our hearts. We embrace each note as if it wre our very own. We
feel the rhythm coincide with each of our heartbeat. And some music even
consumes our breath.
Nirvana- "Nevermind"
Nirvana's "Nevermind" is one of those albums that consumes your
breath and spits it back out in the form of kick ass rock-n-roll. This
is not music for the wimps. The old farts hate this type of music and
wouldn't even consider it music. Then again, old farts do not like
anything that is going to vibrate their souls out of their jugular
veins.
This is music for the young at heart. Tunes such as "Smells Like
Teen Spirit" and "Come As You Are" clearly identify with the High School
crowds. Most of the songs carry similar messages along with a few that
comment on being on the psychotic edge. If you have the CD, be sure to
fast forward to the end of the last track. The titles themselves awake a
rude picture that would offend anyone who thinks that rock-n-roll is the
gateway to man's ultimate destruction.
Yeah, the old farts are pissed off at this one. But they know if
they say anything to us about it they can kiss their ideas of a
luxurious old farts home goodbye. This album strikes at the heart of
rock-n-roll : Anarchy, decadence, and an 'everybody fend for yourself'
attitude.
And let this be a lesson to ya you bunch of old coots!
"Two Rooms: Celebrating the Songs of Elton John and Bernie
Taupin" - Various Artists
The list of the performers on this album reads like a rock-n-roll
honor roll ( with a few exceptions ). Overall, this album is modern
renditions of EJ&BT's best tunes: not neccessarily the two or three
usuals you'd here over some "classic rock-n-roll" radio station. These
are songs which music connoisseurs consider to be some of EJ&BT's
greatest, not the ones that just happened to make it on the charts. Not
every great song is released as a single. One of the best artist's
choices is Tina Turner's decision to redo "The Bitch is Back." The voice
and personality combinations come together and express the message
better than the original. Other artist's choices aren't so excellent.
I'd much rather hear Kate Bush sing "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me"
than "Rocket Man," but she still does an appreciable modern version.
Eric Clapton, The Who, Sinead O'Conner, etc..etc..etc....This album has
a number of great artists performing a number of great songs.
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Review: The Borzoi Online Handbook for Writers
by Mark Maisel
Version : 1.0
Publisher : McGraw-Hill, Inc.
Requirements: IBM PC, XT, AT, PS/2, or compatible computer, DOS
2.1 or higher, minimum memory to allow for word
processor, 512K, 640K recommended. Will run from a
floppy or hard disk, no graphics required.
Dr. David Roberts, a Professor of English at Samford University,
here in Birmingham, sent me this product along with the Borzoi Handbook
and Workbook. Once I finally sat down with it, this software captivated
me more than any other writing tool I've ever used. For those of you
unfamiliar with the Borzoi books, they are used primarily by college
students for English composition courses. I love a good guide to English
because the language can be a confusing one for the budding writer. I
keep three books by my computer: a dictionary, thesaurus, and college
English text book. The dictionary and thesaurus are pretty easy to use.
The text book is a bit more difficult as it requires me to often spend
considerable time pondering what it has to say, plus the time it takes
to find answers to my specific questions. As a result, I often will
fake it if I can't find my answer quickly.
Dr. Roberts designed an online version of the Borzoi Handbook as a
TSR for IBM and compatible computers. What it does is allow quick and
easy access to the secrets of good English while you are using your word
processor. The interface is very simple and straightforward. The menus
are easy to navigate and finding your topic takes little time at all.
The "hot keys" that activate the program, once it has been loaded, are
the left and right shift keys, tapped simultaneously. This caused
absolutely no conflict for either QEdit or Word Perfect 5.1, the two
programs I use for writing. Help is available at any time, when the
program has been called into the foreground, so documentation is not
really needed.
The program takes approximately 112Kbytes of memory when loaded.
This is a hefty chunk of the lower 640K. There are no provisions for
customizing colors or any other frills. I asked about these things
during the course of my evaluation. Dr. Roberts explained that the
program is a TSR, and subsequently uses so much memory, because the
program must be able to run on machines that may have only floppy
drives. One drive must contain the DOS diskette, and the other must
contain the word processor being used. Since this product is primarily
aimed at students, it is easy to understand that many machines used by
them will only have floppy drives. About the questions of colors and
other frills, he said that in order to easily support the widest variety
of computer setups, these things were left out. As a result, the user
can proceed directly to using the program.
My opinion? This program is a must-have for anyone who writes
using their computer. It is well worth the memory used to have such a
resource handy. I use MARK and RELEASE in my batch file that calls
Borzoi Online and my word processor. This allows me to free up the
memory after I'm through editing or writing. Other than the memory
requirements and the lack of fancy frills, I can find nothing that
detracts from this software. There are no shortfalls or even an
annoyance to report to you. For the writer, this program is best money
you can spend on composition software, aside from your editor or word
processor. I have recommended to all of my regular contributors that
they purchase this package because it will make my job as editor much
easier. How much does it cost to get a package that makes Mark carry on
this way, I imagine you are asking. $50? $75? $100? These aren't even
close. The entire package with both books runs about $15, and will most
likely be found in a university book store. I understand that the
software alone may possibly be found alone for about $5. You may find
this difficult to believe. I certainly do, especially after having used
this thing for a while. If you write, GO GET IT!
Dr. Roberts has certainly done his homework in creating a truly
useful writing tool. What does the future hold? He has said that there
is a new version in the works for IBM and compatibles, a Macintosh
version compatible with System 6.0 and up, and possibly a Windows
version.
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The Reality of Love
or Shawn Trucks: A Hopeless Romantic, or Just Hopeless?
by Shawn Trucks
Recent developments in my life have led me to the conclusion that
the words "I love you," no matter how sincerely spoken hold about as
much sincerity as the words "Welcome to McDonalds! May I take your order
please?" The number of times that people casually use those three simple
but powerful words is exceeded only by the number of times they are used
without conviction. But there's nothing wrong with that. Is there? What,
or who is it going to hurt anyway? And if someone *does* get hurt, so
what? They'll get over it. Won't they? After all, shit happens.
Of course I haven't always felt this way. There was once a time
when I believed love was real and two people could overcome any obstacle
as long as they had each other, or some unrealistic fairy tale like
that. Even after being used and rejected countless times I for some
reason always naively believed that the next time was real. Each time I
was sure that she was "different" from the others. Each time I was
rudely awakened only to repeat the same pathetic procedure again and
again.
But as painful as these prior incidents were, they were but a
prelude to the devastation I was about to experience because yes, you
guessed it... I fell in love. Fell so deeply that I knew my heart would
be forever lost were I to lose her. This fear, coupled with my own
admitted insecurities about myself would cause me to worry constantly
that the relationship wouldn't last. It was this fear of rejection that
she eventually came to misinterpret as mistrust on my part. But it
wasn't that I didn't trust her. I simply didn't feel that I was good
enough to keep her for any extended period of time. These fears subsided
a great deal, but not completely when I asked her to marry me, and she
said yes.
I was engaged now for the very first time. I was also happy for the
first time in quite awhile. Our lives were filled with professions of
endless love and promises of things to be. Of course I was still
skeptical that the relationship would last, but as time went by I
eventually came to believe that maybe we were destined to be together
after all. Can you say "BIG mistake?" I knew you could.
Needless to say, as soon as I became secure with myself and the
relationship it was over so abruptly that I was in shock for several
days. I would think back to the times we spent together and wonder how
someone's feelings could change so suddenly. My normal everyday state of
depression increased drastically and contemplations of suicide soon
followed. After this period I began to write anything and everything I
could think of. Entries in my journal, poems, letters and eventually
this article, which has been an excellent catharsis for me. God only
knows if I'll have the nerve to actually submit it when it's finished.
I would like to make believe that I really feel the way about love
that I said I did in the opening paragraphs of this article. But I know
that when it happens again I'll eagerly dive in head first, eyes closed
and with no life jacket. And if my luck holds out the way it usually
does, I'll probably end up drowning again and again before I finally
reach the other side. But getting there *is* half the fun. And it does
at least give me something to write about. And who knows? Maybe
someday...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
THE OFFLINE READER MENACE
by Jet Thomas
A long time ago, Brett Thorn started a vendetta against offline
mail readers. I thought he was being silly. People were going to use
the things whatever he said, so complaining about them was just a joke.
The thing is, it looks like he was right. Was he joking, and the
truth caught up with him? Was he prophetic? Did he correctly predict
the problems that the offline readers caused, or did he perhaps wrongly
predict other problems, and look good now because he wasn't very
specific? No one knows except Brett, and he may not remember.
Let me back off a little bit. A long time ago I got the chance to
watch some people doing operant conditioning on chickens. They taught a
chicken that when a green light went on, she could peck at a button.
Then a bell rang and a kernel of corn fell into a trough and she ate it.
If the chicken waited too long, the light turned off and nothing
happened until it came back on again. After a while the chicken spent a
lot of her time waiting by the button, watching the light. But she also
spent a lot of time scratching around, squawking, and doing the things
chickens do.
Then they started turning on the light more often, for shorter
times. The bell waited longer to ring, and the corn didn't come until
the bell. The chicken spent more time at the button.
Then they started turning on the light so often that sometimes it
came on a second time before the first bell rang. When that happened,
the chicken only got 1 corn. The chicken spent more time pecking and
less time eating. After some days of that, the chicken spent all her
time pecking the button. The light came on and she pecked. It came on
again and she pecked again. And again and she pecked. Sometimes when
the bell rang she went to the trough and ate all the corn she found
there. Sometimes she waited for another light. She started looking
frazzled -- frazzled for a chicken. I mean, BEWILDERED. She was
actually getting more corn than she could reasonably use, but she
couldn't stop to think whether she wanted to keep pecking that button or
not.
How does that relate to the offline readers? Like this: Back in
the old days, you got onto a BBS and read the mail. The number of
messages was self-limiting, because the more messages there were the
longer it took people to read them. The longer it took to read the
messages, the fewer new messages got left. And if each person spend 30
minutes on the board, that was a maximum of 48 people. But with the
readers, there's almost no limit to the number of messages. It's
perhaps limited more by hard drive space. So there are more messages
there. People read on their own time. Now, say two people each read
their own mail and answer every message. If one of them sends a message
to the other, the other will respond. There's a loop now, and they'll
keep sending messages to each other until something happens to disrupt
it. Suppose somebody else reads some of their public mail and answers
one of them. Now there's a second loop. And that process continues
until everybody is spending all their free time answering messages.
But of course people don't answer every message! They can't. So
they pick and choose. If you get 30 messages a day and you only answer
10 of them, some of the loops will get cut off. But if there are 2
other people reading the thread and they each answer 10, then the
message volume will stay at the same level.
With so many messages to read, no one can really keep up with the
various ideas. Was this last response about THIS, or was it about THAT,
or -- no, that one was on a different board, off a different network.
Quoting becomes important. Ideally, you should quote the whole message
including all the messages it quotes. Otherwise people will try to
guess what's going on by the little scraps of quotes, and they'll
respond just to those.
This serves as an idea filter. Anything the least bit complicated
gets filtered out as the quotes shred it. Then it gets forgotten
completely. People respond just to the immediate context. But what's
the easiest thing to keep track of from very limited quotes? Well, you
can remember a particular attribute to tag to each person. Mark Maisel
calls himself an asexual and calls Kathy "The Beast". Sarah can't spell
very well and has an alter ego who can. Bob Crawford is a photographer
with a hot tub. Erica Sullivan keeps her room messy. Judy Ranelli is
an android in a woman's body who plays in a rock band. Terry McCombs
attracts weirdness. And so on. So if you don't remember what the
message is about, you can just say something about the person's
attribute.
What kind of idea can punch through this amount of noise? Sexual
innuendo. In all the scraps of quotes there's bound to be something that
can be turned into a double entendre. And if there isn't, you can
pretend. If you write a message to a woman with a <nudge wink>
say-no-more attitude, she probably won't go back and see what she really
said. She may respond with a double entendre because she wants to be
witty, or she may do so by accident, or she may say she doesn't know
what you're talking about (and then you can start making veiled
blackmail threats, pretending she can be blackmailed). It doesn't
matter what got said before. You can write messages to men about things
they can sit on, and they can tell you they don't want to, and you can
take it from there.
See where the chicken fits in? When you have so many messages that
you don't have time to think, when you respond to a message that's a
long list of short quotes with a short meaningless answer (that will get
quoted itself), when you can't remember what the subject is or why
you're involved in it -- you've been conditioned!
You can't afford to spend much time on any one message, though, for
the same reason you get Call Waiting -- the next message may be much
more important. And you do want to keep answering your mail -- these are
your friends being friendly. If you give up your offline reader then
you won't have a chance in hell to keep up with the flood of messages.
And if you don't answer your share then people will gradually stop
answering you. It's a mess.
Here's a procedure that may help a little in the short run. Go
through your mail fast and mark the ones you really WANT to respond to.
Then go back to just those and answer them.
In the long run it would be good to have more sophisticated
offline-reader software. When you're looking at mail that isn't
addressed specifically to you, wouldn't it be nice if you could, say,
look at 2 randomly-selected messages from each user? And maybe an easy
way to adjust the mix -- you push one button and the program knows to
show you more from this user, push another to get less. Sort of an
adjustable twit-filter. And you could adjust the whole thing to give
you a preset number of messages, to fit your available time. I
personally wouldn't miss 90% of the messages I read now. But of course,
picking the remaining 10% by hand....
And I may have misunderstood. Maybe what people really WANT is
thousands of disconnected double entendres. Maybe the things that look
like junk to me are there because this is exactly the way people
consciously want it to go. I thought people made their habits by
accident and didn't think about changing them, but I could easily be
wrong. I dunno.
Brett correctly predicted something like this would happen. Now
he's pissed off about it and he wants people to give up their offline
readers. I haven't heard him say he expects that to happen, so he's
still predicting right. I can still remember that chicken pecking away.
But people aren't chickens. People can notice what's going on. They can
go out and get what they want. Can't they?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Music Review
by Michael Davidson
With the consent of the editor, I'd like to start a monthly review
of albums, old and new. Mind you, these are going to be albums I have
or have heard, so don't be dissapointed if our tastes differ. This
month's selections are the two CD's Use Your Illusion 1 and 2 by the now
infamous Guns N' Roses. (My apologies to Jeremy Ray who I know did a
music article two months ago. I gave you a month, but you didn't use
it!)
I'll start with the album smashed by the critics, Use Your Illusion
1. I'll admit, it's not their greatest work, but it's still worth the
money. Part of the highlights are a nice remake of Paul McCartney's
"Live and Let Die", the original lyrics to "Don't Cry", The Garden (with
help from Alice Cooper), and "Don't Damn Me". "November Rain" is a nice
ballad, better than I've heard come out of this band. The song lengths
remind me of Best of the Doors. They are, for the most part, over five
minutes long. There aren't really any awful songs, but "Back of Bitch",
"Bad Obsession", and "Double Talkin' Jive" are as close to "filler"
material as any on the 76 minute CD.
Use Your Illusion 2 is definately the stronger of the two, as
reflected in its Billboard standing. The shortest song, the
minute-and-a-half "My World" is definately the most interesting. The
band does a great studio version of Dylan's classic "Knockin' on
Heaven's Door", and then follows it up with the expression of venom
towards the music tabloids with "Get in the Ring". "Civil War" is, in
my opinion, probably the best song on the CD. It expresses discontent
with the way society handles problems, namely with wars, especially thos
fought with ourselves. Of course it has ballads, headed by the
alternate lyrics of "Don't Cry", followed by "Yesterdays". If I had to
choose the best CD this year, I'd pick this one. Then again, I like
GN'R.
The only problem present in both albums is the constant use of
their 4-letter vocabulary. It's alright at first, but it grates at
one's nerves after a while. Still, the songs are good, and the band is
playing better than before. Even if they have half the population
alienated, in these CD's, Guns N' Roses definately lives up to the high
expectations set by the fans. I highly recomend them for any rock fans.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Notes to the Wenches
It's not that important, but I'm glad you enjoyed yourselves.
Anyway, this is a convenient segue into this month's...
Notes from the Trenches
by Dean Costello
"So...You a Faggot, or What?"
subtitled:
"Ooooooh, I Need a Dirty Woman..."
I remember a couple of years ago, Mark Maisel and myself were
talking about something or another, and somehow it came up in
conversation how I was perceived by the BBS community. It seems that
some people in the BBS world thought I was gay. My first reaction was
to ask, "Who was it?" "Hmmm," being my second reaction. Mark,
unfortunately, neglected to tell me the people involved, so that was the
end of that. He currently claims not to remember the incident, but I
don't believe him entirely.
It does bring up the point that I have run into over the last
couple of years, ever since my father went up and over 50; the question
being why don't I date people. Mom, in a rare display of actual
feelings, and not something generated in order to conform to June
Cleaver platitudes, said when she heard that my brother was dating,
"Thank God they both aren't gay." That's tough stuff to hear from a
parent.
Usually when asked why I didn't date, I usually had smart-ass
remarks, in the neighborhood of 'I can't afford someone else', 'I have
to finish my Masters', 'I can't afford one', etc., etc. You get the
idea: basic sidestepping of a personal question, which is something that
I usually do.
Which leads me into something else, as I think of it. I don't tell
much about me. I usually keep a stock supply of curious stuff, some of
it pretty close to the truth, ready to go when asked something about my
background, or anything that I consider to be a touch more personal than
I am prepared to answer. However...
But it nonetheless does not answer the basic question of why I
don't date. And my answer is that I frankly don't know. I do have
feelings about it, though. I imagine rejection, being judged and found
wanting, is a big part of it. I am, by nature, a very insecure person,
and I don't like putting my emotional life on the line. I usually also
choke in the clutch so instead of being smooth and urbane ("So, I know
this little place in Jakarta; you up to get something to eat? Tell me
your name and I'll make the airline reservations." "Fuckoff? Oh, you're
Russian?"), I usually lose about 75 intelligence points and a goodly
part of my motor skills, my voice goes up, ooh, about an octave and a
half (and I don't have the deepest voice at the best of times), and I
start to act somewhat like Lon Chaney in the "Hunchback of Notre Dame"
in my speech and behavioural patterns, stature, and walk ("Do you find
me repulsive?)". To paraphrase, it isn't a pretty sight. It doesn't
take much in the way of psychoanalysis to realize that much of my
attitude is a defense mechanism ("Ahh, you find me repulsive, do you?
Well, you're pretty damned ugly, and you don't even have a nice
personality. And your car is crappy and your cat has the mange." One-
downsmanship, I guess.).
I figure that the last date-ish thing I went on was <desperately
consulting my "Life-at-a-Glance" calendar>, Holy Shit!, October 1989.
Good Lord, two years ago? I can't believe that! I remember it well,
now. Myself and a new incoming first-year graduate student at the
School of Public Health went to see Pink Floyd's "The Wall" when it was
showing at the UAB student center. Now, before you start gearing up on
me ("Oh, Dean, big spender, taking some poor girl to see a Floyd movie
at UAB. Gonna take her to "Steak and Egg" for something to eat next?"),
she was the one that wanted to go there. Nice time was had by the two
of us. It's been a while since I ran across a female that could sing
Pink Floyd lyrics, but whatever. Anyway, that was the last date I was
on. I guess I just haven't gotten around to doing more.
I have been in the company of females since then, principally with
Monica Usrey, the other person in my Master's program, and others; but
not in any way that could be linked to romance. Or at least that's the
way it turned out, regardless of planning and pipedreams. There have
been several people that I have met over my 2.5 years or so in
Birmingham with which a relationship would have been nice. Two of them
turned out to be born-again Southern Baptists and tried to gang-save me
(I believe I have spoken about this event before), one turned out to be
turned on by firemen, and Monica.
Monica is a curious creature. The night after I had my second knee
surgery, she was over, and happened to meet a large proportion of the
BTN gang, who decided that they had to come over and "cheer me up", when
all I really wanted to do was sleep and partake of recreational
pharmaceuticals. Monica and Jet Thomas got to talking, and apparently
it came up that she was living with me (and she was, but not in that
way), and she went to great lengths to demonstrate to Jet that she and I
were not romantically involved. I, being upstairs, really wasn't paying
attention to the conversation since at about that moment Sarah rolled
over my just-worked-on leg, but Jet, in a classic display of Jet Logic
[Jet Logic (adj.): A means of thinking, somewhat obliquely described as
a logical process, in which one takes a normal premise and generates a
totally ludicrous conclusion, yet seemingly supported by the premises.
Usually requires a fair quantity of biased observation to function
correctly...], was convinced that she was doing that so that he would
know that she was available. Later, it kind of hurt me that she was
willing to go to that much trouble to tell my friends that she was not
my girlfriend. Whatever, I guess. I later discovered that she was only
in search of a Mel Gibson look alike who had a LOT of money, and alas my
first name is Dean, and I still am paying off my student loans.
This reaction seems common in many social circumstances. I'm
apparently okay in the presence of the individual, but never introduce
me to other more 'proper', friends. I guess they assume that I would
drop my pants and begin to masturbate in front of them, or something
equally socially frowned upon. One of those things, I suppose.
I guess its only fair to hit on (damn, I do kill me) some of the
things I look for:
-Can speak in complete sentences. That sounds specious, I know, but
what that really entails is someone that is reasonably intelligent
to whom I can talk with for some length of time without having to
drop down into some kind of hackneyed conversational gimmick, i.e.
"How about the weather", "How about those Mets?" and such.
-Can fold a map. Another specious claim (it occurred to me that
anything that someone looks for in others would probably be
considered specious by others. My arbitrary measure is completely
reasonable and logical, but someone else's, say Scott Hollifield's,
has absolutely no bearing in the real world), but it has grounding
in logic <yeah, right; rationalization time in the big city>. F'r
instance, I noticed that to fold a map takes a margin of patience,
and the ability to observe and follow patterns, etc., etc. Also, I
like maps, so it would follow to me that being able to deal with
them is important.
-Not too superficial. One of the multitude of problems I had with
Monica was that she was real big on superficial stuff. Someone
asked me once why I didn't date Monica, and I replied, "Because
she's way too expensive". I like the finer things in life also, as
my apartment will attest, but my life is not exclusively American
Express Gold Card, at least not for a couple of months yet.
-Doesn't smoke. Sorry, kids, but I am allergic to cigarette smoke;
and I simply have problems with toleration of smoke. When I lived
down here, Randy Hilliard went to great lengths to limit my
exposure to smoke when I was over at his house. Most of the smokers
I know have more of an attitude, "It's my house, if you don't like
the smoke, leave!". More than one person has been knocked out of
the running due to smoke-related issues.
Whenever I meet a prospective female, I quickly run them through
the above list, and a couple of other things, in a bubble sort (for the
uninitiated, a bubble sort works like this: You put a factor in on top,
and it slowly works it way down through a series of determining factors.
For instance, if you wish to sort a list of numbers, you enter the bunch
of them on top. The bubble sort will take the first one and ask, "Is it
bigger or smaller than X", and continue with this until the number
reaches its proper place). Can they speak in sentences? Do they smoke?
What do they talk about? Are they ditzy? Do they work? Are they
educated? Where do they live? Are they pleasing to the eye? Are they
in a relationship? If so, how strong? What are their politics? Are
they very strong in their beliefs? Are they close to mine? Are they
tolerant? Do they say, "Ewww" about something minor? Anyway, you get
the idea. Now, obviously, there is more to it than this. Tolerance is a
very big positive thing in my book. As curious as I am, I'll probably
need someone who is extraordinarily tolerant of what I consider to be my
foibles, and what others would probably consider to be genuine
personality flaws. Also, just getting one of the above questions
'wrong' is not going to throw someone out of the running, just place
them in the correct ranking.
So, why don't I date? Or, more accurately, why don't I meet more
prospective people that I may wish to date? I'm not really sure. A
couple of points come to mind:
1). I don't have a social circle in Virginia yet, and given the
manner by which the office operates, I don't see gaining one at the
office in the near future. And being that most of my conscious
life is spent there, it cuts into other time. This, along with the
fact that I am on the road so much these days. Alas...
2). I am not a big fan of bars. I am violently allergic to smoke. If
you see me at a party, it is usually after I am ripped to the gills
on some strange creation of mine, and I don't normally mind smoke
when I cannot see anymore. Some strange metabolic pathway, I
reckon.
3). (and you've heard this one before) The traffic is so bad in the DC
Metro. area that I don't want to leave my apartment that much. And
if I am not inclined to leave my apartment after going hand-to-hand
with several hundred thousand other drivers, you can see that my
socialization ability drops to near zero.
As you can probably tell, between those three things I don't get a
chance to meet many humans, let alone prospective female mates. But, be
fair. What do I have to offer someone else? If I were female, would I
go out with me? Probably not. Would I even talk to me? I wouldn't
think so. The people that I know that are similar to me I despise with
all my heart and soul, so it follows that I wouldn't like me that much.
I don't think that I am in a position to accurately index my 'positive
qualities', since I have discovered that what I consider to be positive,
most people think are icky ("Oh, Dean? Well...ummmm...he has a
wonderful sense of humour...uhhh, a great personality, and he dances
real well. What does he look like? Umm...he's tall ...somewhat
lumpy...brown eyes...thighs like steel plates. Hold it, the thigh thing
is someone else's self-delusion. Did I tell you about his
personality?..."), besides this isn't a dating service, is it?
Given my wide-ranging beliefs about an awful lot of things, the
chance of finding someone to fit into my Greater Scheme of Things is
kind of minimal. Hell, for that matter, tolerant of my Greater Scheme
of Things, but I can live with that. I am not driven to reproduce, I
have no desire to have children, which I would assume follows, for the
most part; and I don't require someone else to be with ALL OF THE TIME.
I am, for the most part, satisfied with what I have, and I don't really
have a driving impulse to be with someone else. For instance, as I type
this, I am home for a <rare> weekend. There is a humongous mound of mail
in the living room (from the last three weeks), a pizza box on the floor
by the television, "Yes" playing on the stereo, and it is about 67
degrees in here. I am comfortable with this, it is my home.
I miss that there isn't anyone up here that I can just call
sometime and yak with, but its one of those things. I keep hoping that
after I've been here a while I'll start meeting all these neat-o people
that others describe as living in this region. I am underwhelmed by the
D.C. people that I knew before I left Alabama. I'm not sure as to their
attitude. It might be a function of the above thing about introducing
me to their friends..."Oh Christ, Dean's here, and he'll want to come
over, and meet my friends, and then he'll do something weird". Alas.
These things happen...
I guess I'm just another social misfit that drifted into the Maisel
circle; a pariah of society who finally found her/his proper level and
just simply didn't realize their social straits. It's not that bad, I
guess. At least few people are openly hostile, which from what I can
tell is far more than most people can reasonably ask.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Adventures of R.G. Strangemind and Herbert
by Jeremy Lewis
Copyright 1991 by Jeremy Lewis
no reprints without the permission of the author
Part X
It was a great moment in history, perhaps it was a miracle as well,
but whatever caused it, it was truly amazing...Herbert, had a thought.
Suddenly, distracted by the situation and ignoring Toastus, Herbert's
mind (Didn't think he had one. Did you?) set off in search of his
friend.
"I bet R.G. would know what to do. He always knows what to do."
Herbert's body turned to follow him, screaming, "I AM TOASTUS!!!
The Chosen one shall not run from me!" Herbert turned his head towards
himself as he ran directly into and through the wall in front of him.
His body, however, being about as material as something can get (and
having a predisposition towards colliding with walls anyway) ran
headlong into the wall and Toastus, for the first time in two millennia,
was knocked soundly and silenty (except for the loud noise) unconscious.
In that dark dark place that's so familiar to all super-beings, two
beings were yelling at each other.
"WE MUST KILL TOASTUS!!!"
"But Sir," said a much more rational voice," I can't kill some one
who hasn't done anuthing wrong and especially one that is an
inconveiniance at best"
"YOU DON"T UNDERSTAND", yelled a deeper voice," TOASTUS HAS FOUND
HIM!!!"
"Who?", asked the rational voice.
"THE GREAT MINDLESS ONE!!!", Shrieked the deep toned voice," THE
ONE WITH THE POWER TO BECOME GREATER THAN ALL BEINGS!!!"
Slob woke up with an incredible headache. He didn't know what had
hit him, but was suspisiously eyeing the wall when he noticed the large
human's and the purple thing's unconscious bodies. As he stood there,
now paying very close attention to the purple thing, he picked up the
mallet and smiled. Slob then raised the mallet and hit the purple thing
once for good measure, he then turned to the large human.
On the Split-Splat, Emperor Slport was impatient. He was busily
chopping a chair to bits with his axe hwne a steward entered the room.
The steward made a lovely and satisfying gurgling sound as he hit the
floor and by the time the fifth had been slain, a voice came ove the
intercomm.
"Your Majesty, we have a problem."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Meandering Themes of Colby
by Colby Gibson
Things are a bit strange as of late, and I have read and read and
read more to understand why. A strange cult of users and abashed
swirling around in turmoil while everyone else sits reading messages
from Netusers and drinking week old tea. THIS is why I have decided to
write this article. This is more than likely what NORMAL people like
myself see as they such messages from their favorite system every day.
Confusion has made itself more and more obvious lately as I read
through messages and stuff and I found something that seems to be
something of a small clan war from what I see. Seriously, now, reading
through BTN042 I can see conflicting interests in the thoughts
portrayed by Judy Ranelli and Deborah Bolen, and Dean Costello has been
complaining about the former (Not really complaining, but making aware
his irritation) and from what has been displayed to the everyday user
is very strange.
In all truth, I can't really vouch for either party. I don't know
much about Dean and his obvious oppression for the adolescent and kid
kind. He has a somewhat calloused attitude toward thoughts put out
by myself and others such as Ricky Eanes (I'm not gonna start on it)
and other teenage writers that may have not studied the classics as
much as he has. However, I can't fathom why people would want to snub
Dean all over the place unless his attitude isn't just toward people
like me, but toward everyone. Not to slander Dean in the slightest,
he has been somewhat of a <Insert Favorite Noun here> toward me and
others.
Less is known about Deborah and Judy. From the slight bits that I
have talked to them they seem very intelligent in their reasoning and
they are very polite and understanding. Not only that, they love Star
Trek, which has absolutely no bearing here.
Now, I ask you this. What reason would the two I just spoke about
have to be mean to Dean? Obviously it's something I missed.
Enough of that.
BTN has grown into somewhat of a cult. Really. Most of the people
that you see writing here and talking around about it are the ones that
would be the most "popular" in this BBS community. Mark Maisel has
grown into somewhat of a father figure for most of us. People crowd
around the guy in awe during the parties and wonder why he is revered
like that. Generally, it's because he's a nice guy.
Other people you see are more eccentric but different in their
own way, I guess. I would think about most of the people that also
submit here and are prevalent around are in sort of their own division
of the city. They do things differently than everyone else. There's
just more to them, I suppose. Most people you see are involved in
something that you don't see every day (Not saying that what they do
is bad. It could be from drinking some kind of Gourmet Tea to
practicing an obscure religion.) and they do things as a group. I can
see these things. They usually talk to the same people.
More and more debate grows over such things that go on at the
infamous BTN gatherings and spurious ventures taken by several users
that might decide to go to a movie (As such lately) and if one user
wants to criticize another for something. Most of us can't tak
e it. I
can, however. And, Dean, if you will notice, not one paragraph in this
article begins with "I" (posessive sense). So figure upon that for a
moment. And such arguments over little things like CPU speed and
preferences in coffee can get us in heated debates. Personally, I hate
coffee and I use a 386sx 20, and I don't care if you have a 586 that
will to 43 teraflops. I'm not gonna get mad over it. I think that most
of us are just that kind that take pride in our work. We want to be the
best. That's okay by me.
A last point. A hidden system and network of friendships and
relationships permeates our BBS community. I'm not going to point my
fingers in any direction, but we have watched such things happen and
we know. If you were to go to the mall, and see a well known user,
you are probably going see another user with them. It's like that a
lot of the time, from what I have seen. It's strange how users in this
town do things with each other and talk to each other so much. It's
almost confusing. I can remember paying Mark Maisel a visit a while ago
and while I was there at least 5 different people were in and out of
the house. Probably a normal day for him. Friendship in this world is
something, I must say.
This article's not here to bore you. I wrote it because I wondered
about some of the stuff that's been going on behind the scenes lately.
Maybe you've seen some of it too.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
SURPRISE! SURPRISE!
by MoeDog.(TrekNut)
StarDate Y161.253.1124
On board the Romulan destroyer "Consulate",on patrol of the Neutral
zone, Sub-commander Talor strides confidently to the officer's mess to
discuss the upcoming penetration of Federation space on a recon mission.
"These missions were done frequently so Federation ship rotation
could be monitored for possible use in the future.",Commander Talor
thought to himself.He had not been discovered in his last three missions
but that did not mean he would not be discovered this time.
A buzzing chime sounds over the ship's intercom system,"Commander
Talor, incoming message.Security level two." Talor uses his communicator
on his belt,"Message received.",he says.He turns around a corner and
passes the Cloak room where two Centurion guards stand watch.Talor
proceeds to his state room where he sits at his terminal to answer the
message.
Talor enters the four level security code and is greeted with the
face of Admiral Serus,"Greetings and salutations,Admiral.""As I to you
Commander.",The Admiral says with respect."What is so important that you
would have me break communications silence so close to the Neutral
zone?" Talor says.The Admiral responds,"The Federation has a 'New Light
Cruiser' which has just finished its testing period and is patrolling
within ten days of your present position.You are ordered to gain as much
knowledge of this new ship class as you can,then destroy it."Talor
says,"Would this not be an act of war?".
"Only if you fail,if you succeed we will deny that any of our
ship's were on such a mission and that all of our ships were accounted
for at that time frame.If you fail,they will find the wreckage of your
ship and we will deny the existence of your ship and suggest that
pirates may be responsible. "Admiral Serus replies.
"You are instructed to proceed to Base station 42 and pick up some
cargo that was taken from an Orion pirate ship,thus if you fail,the
remains of the cargo will be found amongst the debris of your ship."
"I will have the coordinates sent to you at the end of this
transmission, do not fail commander.That is all."Admiral Serus sends the
coordinates and the EOT code.
Talor sits and thinks for a minute."The Federation will know the
High Council ordered this course of action,but will not be able to prove
it." Talor leaves his quarters and proceeds to the Officers mess for the
briefing.
"We will proceed cloaked at warp 3 until we are just outside of
sector 212.Then reduce speed to half impulse and get an ECM fix on there
scanner emissions.After we get a bearing we will reduce speed to quarter
impulse and maneuver in front of them,then lie in wait for them to
pass.Does anyone have any objections?".Pause,"No?,good.I want all
phasors and torpedo tubes loaded,charged and holding before we get to
sector 212. End of mission briefing."
------------------------
Time Index 263.1345
Captains log NCC 708 Alverda:
Day twelve of boarder patrol and nary a peep of activity.
I've authorized more movies this month than I thought ever
existed.We need something to kill the boredom,I wish we were
exploring new territory.I'll never see that in this NCL though.
Only Cruisers are big enough to venture far enough away to
find anything no one has seen before.
--End Of Entry--
"Keep same course and speed lieutenant."Captain Metzler ordered.
"Weapons officer,long range scan of Neutral zone.Maybe we'll catch
some one with their pants down."Metzler said.
After a few minutes,"Scan shows nothing sir".
"I'll be in the ready room if anything shows up."Metzler said.
Time Index 263.1402
"Commander!,Federation ship bearing 279 mark 300,Range 1,000 KM.
Scanner strength at 45.638 TeraWatts,return signal at 3.79
KiloWatts.
We are not yet detectable,your orders?",the helmsman said.
"Slow to quarter impulse,make a passive track and plot our course
to intercept,Weapons officer,status."
Weapons officer,"Phasors charged and online,two 'F' type plasma
torpedoes and one 'G' type plasma torpedo charged and ready,shields at
maximum."
Commander Talor,"Good,execute course and stealth speed.
Science officer,record all actions and readings.And when their
shields are down I want a full scan."
"As you wish Commander",the Science officer says.
Time Index 263.1458
Helmsman,"We are in position Commander.The Federation NCL is 100 KM
off our port side and closing,speed three quarters impulse."
"Full stop,all stations report ready status.",Commander Talor
orders.
"All stations ready sir."The weapon officer reports.
"Now we wait.",talor says.
Time Index 263.1516
Helmsman,"NCL approaching within 40 KM,now 30 KM,now 20 KM."
Commander Talor,"Uncloak!,lock weapons on target and launch
torpedoes!"
After the eight second lockon delay caused by uncloaking the
Weapons officer announces,"Weapons lock! Firing all torpedoes!"
After a one second pause and then the weapons officer says,"Torps
away, locking phasors on target!"
Talor,"Fire two phasors at target!"
Weapons officer,"Firing phasors! Both direct hits on shield number
two!"
Talor,"Damage!" Weapons officer,"NCL shield down to 62.5%,torpedoes
at 10 KM."
The torpedoes take two seconds to travel the 20 KM range.
Weapons officer,"Direct hits by all torpedoes!"
Talor,"Damage to the NCL!"
Weapons officer,"There is too much cascading energy to scan at this
time."
-----------------------
Time Index 263.1516
Onboard the NCC 708 Alverda the ships computer automatically raises
the shields and sounds RED ALERT.
Captain Metzler,"WHAT THE HELL!?".Metzler begins running to the
bridge. Ten seconds later Metzler is in the corridor about to enter the
bridge when three plasma torpedoes slam into the number one
shield,collapsing it. The residual energy cascades across the hull of
the ship destroying equipment and consoles at random.Metzler tries to
get to his feet but more explosions keep knocking him down.After about
ten seconds of explosions and a lot of creaking and groaning he finally
makes it to his feet.Metzler enters the bridge and yells,"Damage report
and status!"
Weapons officer,"Damage as follows,shield number one down,number
two still holding at 62.5%,three phasors out,two laboratories
damaged,bridge damaged, all auxiliary reactors down,major hull
damage,all shuttle bays damaged, drone missile launcher down,auxiliary
control damaged,impulse engines at 25% batteries out,left warp engine at
91.6%,right warp engine at 68.75%, total power output at 68.75%,sensors
damaged,Romulan KF5LR Destroyer off the starboard bow."
Time Index 263.1517
Metzler,"Charge all torpedo tubes and get me some phasors
up,helmsman come to 300 mark 020,speed one quarter impulse."
Time Index 263.1517
Weapons officer,"Commander,scan completed.NCL has lost front
shield, three phasors,auxiliary power,75% impulse power,26% warp
power,drone missile launcher and has sustained major hull damage!"
Talor,"Fire three remaining phasors!"
Weapon officer,"Targeted and firing!"
Weapon officer,"NCL shield number three down to 45.8%!"
Talor,"Start charging torpedoes and phasors.Increase speed to half
impulse,perform lagging pursuit maneuver,I want to stay behind them and
reinforce shield number one by 30%."
Time Index 263.1518
Weapons officer,"NCL decreasing to one quarter impulse,turning to
300 mark 020!"
Talor,"Slow to one quarter impulse and fire all phasors!"
Weapons officer,"Firing all phasors,sir."
Weapons officer,"All phasors direct hits!"
Weapons officer,"Damage to NCL as follows,one photon torpedo
out,sensor's damaged,all phasors out,one transporter out,100% impulse
power gone,100% auxiliary power gone,all labs out,one tractor out,right
warp power down to 33.3%,left warp power down to 58.3%,shield number one
and three down and shield number two holding at 62.5%!"
Time Index 263.1518
Metzler,"Fire all phasors!"
Weapons officer,"Romulan ship is in the starboard arc only,firing
one phasor now,the other is damaged!"
Weapons officer,"A direct hit!"
Weapons officer,"Romulan shields holding!"
Weapons officer,"Romulan ship firing phasors brace for impact!"
The Phasors cut fissures across the NCL's hull causing a build up
of static and kinetic energy to cascade over the ship destroying more
components and equipment.
Time Index 263.1519
Metzler,"Damage report!"
Weapons officer,"One photon torpedo damaged,sensors damaged,all
phasors damaged ,one transporter damaged,100% impulse power failure,100%
auxiliary power failure,all labs damaged,one tractor damaged,right warp
at 33.3%,left warp at 58.3%,shields one and three down,number two
holding at 62.5%!"
Weapons officer,"Three photon torpedoes ready!"
Metzler,"Helm! Come around 180 degrees! Prepare to fire torpedoes!"
Weapons officer,"We have no impulse power to maneuver with we must
escape under warp speed!"
Metzler,"Go to warp two and come around to 180 mark 180!"
Time Index 263.1519
Talor,"helmsman stay behind them! Weapons! Charge phasors,status of
torps!"
Weapons officer,"Torpedoes charged to 80%,one minute to charge
completion."
Time Index 263.1520
Weapons officer,"Commander,NCL is turning about,speed increasing to
warp one.They are crossing our path! I read three photon torpedoes
ready.
We have five phasors charged and ready."
Talor,"Fire all phasors before they bring those torpedoes to
bear!!"
Weapons officer,"Firing all phasors sir!"
Time Index 263.1520
Weapons officer,"Three seconds until Romulan ship is in our forward
arc!"
Metzler,"Prepare to fire!"
At this moment the phasor's from the romulan ship rip through the
Federation ship causing so much more damage added to the previous damage
that the ship's internal structure buckles and collapses releasing the
antimatter resulting in a terrific bright explosion disintegrating the
whole ship.
Time Index 263.1520.30
Weapons officer,"The NCL has exploded,front shield is at 65%."
Talor,"Bring us around and dump a little of the cargo to make it
look like they damaged the opponent they faced."
Talor,"Fire some phasors at the debris we jettisoned to scar it,to
make it more believable."
Talor,"Then cloak and plot a course back to Romulus so that we may
deliver the information we have gained here to day in person."
Talor,"Execute orders now."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
SIG's (Special Interest Groups), Computer Related
-------------------------------------------------
BEPCUG CCS
Birmingham East PC Users Group Commodore Club South
Jefferson Sate Jr. College Springville Road Library
Ruby Carson Hall, Rm 114 2nd & 4th Tuesday (C64/C128)
3rd Friday, 7-9 PM 3rd Monday (Amiga)
Paula Ballard 251-6058 (after 5PM) 7:30-10 PM
BCCC BIPUG
Birmingham Commodore Computer Club Birmingham IBM-PC Users Group
POB 59564 UAB Nutrition Science Blg
Birmingham, Al 35259 RM 535/541
UAB School of Education, Rm 153 1st Sunday (delayed one week
2nd and 4th Sundays, 2 PM if meeting is a holiday)
Rusty Hargett 854-5172 Marty Schulman 967-5883
BACE FAOUG
Birmingham Atari Computer First Alabama Osborne Users
Enthusiast Group
Vestavia Library, downstairs Homewood Library
2nd Monday, 7 PM 1st Saturday, 1PM
Benny Brown 822-5059 Ed Purquez 669-5200
CADUB
CAD Users of Birmingham
Homewood Library
3rd Tuesday, 6:30PM-8:30PM
Bobby Benson 791-0426
SIG's, Non-Computer Related
---------------------------
BBC Birmingham Astronomy Club
Blue Box Companions Subject: Astronomy
Subject: Dr. Who Red Mountain Museum Annex
Hoover Library 4th Tuesday, 7:30PM
1st Saturday, 2PM-5PM
If you belong to or know of a user group that is not listed,
please let us know by sending E-Mail to Barry Bowden on
The Matrix BBS.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Known BBS Numbers For The Birmingham Area
NAME NUMBER BAUD RATES MODEM BBS SOFTWARE
SUPPORTED TYPE
1 Alter-Ego BBS 744-7733 300-9600 USR HST PCBoard 14.5
1 Amiga Alliance ][ 631-0262 300-2400 PCBoard 14.5
4 Arkham Asylum 853-7422 300-9600 USR DS WWIV 4.12
Baudville Node 1 640-4593 300-2400 Oracomm Plus
Baudville Node 2 640-4639 300-2400 Oracomm Plus
10-=! Bloom County 856-0587 300-9600 USR DS PCBoard 14.5
Bullseye BBS 942-9576 300-2400 Oracomm Plus
13 Bus System 595-1627 300-2400 PCBoard 14.2
17 Byte Me! 979-BYTE! 2400-9600 USR HST WWIV 4.12
CM(ee) BBS Node 1 655-4059 300-2400 Oracomm Plus
CM(ee) BBS Node 2 655-4065 300-1200 Oracomm Plus
Camelot BBS 856-0679 300-2400 Telegard 2.5
136 Channel 8250 Node 1 744-8546 300-9600 USR DS PCBoard 14.5
136 Channel 8250 Node 2 744-5166 300-9600 USR HST PCBoard 14.5
9 Connection Node 1 854-9074 1200-2400 PCBoard 14.5
9 Connection Node 2 854-2308 1200-2400 PCBoard 14.5
9 Connection Node 3 854-0698 1200-2400 PCBoard 14.5
9 Connection Node 4 854-5863 9600 USR DS PCBoard 14.5
1 Crunchy Frog Node 1 956-1755 300-9600 USR DS PCBoard 14.5
1 Crunchy Frog Node 2 956-0073 300-9600 USR DS PCBoard 14.5
DataLynx 322-3425 300-2400 Oracomm5.L.30
Disktop Publishing BBS 854-1660 300-9600 V.32 Wildcat! 3.01
Downgrade Evolution 823-4858 1200-2400 Vortek 1.49
Empire 428-6074 300-2400 Image 1.2
F/X BBS 823-5777 300-2400 PC Board 14.5
12{ Family Smorgas-Board 744-0943 300-2400 PCBoard 14.5
Flip Side 798-3961 300-2400 Telegard 2.5i
Graphics Zone Node 1 870-5306 300-9600 MNP4 TBBS 2.1(16)
Graphics Zone Node 2 870-5329 300-9600 MNP4 TBBS 2.1(16)
Hacker's Corner 674-5449 1200-2400 PCBoard 14.5
Hardeman's BBS 640-6436 1200-2400 Wildcat! 2.55s
13 Hard Disk BBS 987-0794 300-2400 PC Board 14.5
2 I.S.A. BBS 995-6590 300-9600 USR HST Remote Access
13 Joker's Castle 664-5589 300-2400 USR HST PC Board 14.5
15 Little Kingdom Node 1 969-0007 300-9600 USR DS PCBoard 14.5
15 Little Kingdom Node 2 969-0008 300-2400 MNP4 PCBoard 14.5
1- Magnolia BBS 854-6407 300-9600 USR HST PCBoard 14.2
29 MetaBoard 254-3344 300-2400 Opus
Missing Link 853-1257 300-2400 C-Net
Myth Drannor 699-5811 1200-2400 MNP4 WWIV 4.11
Night Watch 841-2790 300-2400 TriTel 2.0
Optical Illusion 853-8062 300-1200 C-Net
Owlabama BBS 833-7176 300-2400 GTPower 15.00
1 Owl's Nest 680-0851 300-2400 PCBoard 14.5
Paradise City 853-1439 1200-2400 PCBoard 14.5
Pooh's Korner 980-8710 300-2400
Safe Harbor 665-4355 300-9600 USR DS GTPower 15.00
Sperry BBS 853-6144 300-9600 Hayes PCBoard 14.5
1 ST BBS 836-9311 300-2400 PCBoard 14.2
Teasers 987-0122 300-2400 WWIV 4.20
2 The Bone Yard 631-6023 300-9600 USR HST PCBoard 14.5
The Commodore Zone 856-3783 300-2400 Image1.2
The Den 925-0707 300-9600 USR HST ProLogon/ProDoor
4 The Dragon's Hoard 833-3790 300-2400 WWIV 4.12
The Edge of Oblivion 520-0230 300-2400 WWIV 4.11
The Madhouse! 428-3061 300-9600 V.32 Telegard 2.5i
12378 The Matrix Nodes 1-4 323-2016 300-2400 PCBoard 14.5
12378 The Matrix Nodes 5-7 323-6016 2400-9600 USR DS PCBoard 14.5
The Monster 967-4839 300-2400 Telegard 2.5i
2 The Outer Limits 985-1725 1200-9600 USR HST Wildcat! 3.01
The Quiet Zone 833-2066 300-2400 ExpressNET
2@ The Round Table 938-2145 300-2400 Telegard 2.5i
The Safety BBS 581-2866 300-2400 RBBS-PC
The Word 833-2831 300-2400 WWIV 4.12
Willie's DYM Node 1 979-1629 300-2400 Oracomm Plus
Willie's DYM Node 2 979-7739 300-2400 Oracomm Plus
Willie's DYM Node 3 979-7743 300-1200 Oracomm Plus
Willie's DYM Node 4 979-8156 300-1200 Oracomm Plus
Ziggy Unaxess 991-5696 300-1200 Unaxess
The many symbols you see prior to the names of many of the bbs' in the
list signify that they are members of one or more networks that exchange
or echo mail to each other in some organized fashion.
1 = EzNet, a local IBM compatible network
2 = FidoNet, an international network, multi-topic
3 = Metrolink, an international network, multi-topic
4 = WWIV-Net, an international network, multi-topic
5 = Intellec, an international network, multi-topic
6 = Uni'Net, an international network, multi-topic
7 = ThrobNet, an international network, adult oriented
8 = ILink, an international network, multi-topic
9 = ADAnet, an international network dedicated to the handicapped
0 = USNetMail, a national network, multi-topic
- = RIME, an international network, multi-topic
= = TcNet, not certain at publication time
! = RF-Net, a national network, dedicated to amateur radio
@ = 93Net, a national network, dedicated to the occult
If you have any corrections, additions, deletions, etc., please let us
know via EzNet.
