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BAH Issue 03
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BAH - Issue #002
ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿
³ Title: the dark side Author: Tori Amos ³
³ Date: 04-21-95 ³
³ *like, welcome to BAH* ³
ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ
All text included in BAH issues is for educational purposes only. In no
way do we at BAH endorse whatever actions described in our text files. If
you suffer severe depression after reading this, don't come crying to us.
[BAH]
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bah:
There's a dark side to everything. Theres a dark side to cyberspace. (I
really hate that word, but I'll use it for lack of a better one) I'm not
talking about the criminal, or "underground" side of cyberspace, I'm
talking about the power and the future of it. I'm going to tell you how it
ruined my life, permanently. Modeming leaves a mark on everyone. Most of
the time, the mark is positive. I was very unlucky.
the beginning:
I met Falcon (Infidel currently, I still think of him as Falcon) years ago.
I was living a happy, computer-free, rap-music-enriched, eight-year old
life. (I was always intelligent as a child, everyone says. I say I'm still
intelligent now.) Someone moves into the house next to me. I'm in second
grade. He's a tall sixth grader. I saw no friendship whatsoever when he
moved in. We met on a bus, I think, and I came over to his house once. His
parents met my parents, our mothers became good friends. I was over at his
house literally *every day*. I had never really had close-up experience
with a computer, and he had one. I was amazed. I learned BASIC easily, and
soon was over there all the time, programming things for Falcon's computer.
(He had not yet learned to program yet - at least, not as good as I was.
Remember- He was twelve and I was eight) I soon started hinting around to
my parents that I wanted a computer. On my birthday, I got one. It was a
8088 IBM XT, complete with CGA monitor and two disk drives, no hard drive.
I loved the thing. I played with it and programmed, programmed, programmed.
Falcon soon learned to program, and we programmed in GWBASIC for three
years, then we moved on to QuickBasic. Falcon had always had a modem. I'd
only seen him use it once, with great interest. When I got my computer, I
forgot all about it. Until one day...
I was programming a new version of my Craps game (version 3.2, I think)
when Falcon called. He said he was getting a 9600 baud modem for free and
he had a 2400 for me. My own modem? WOW! I loved it. I hadn't learned anything
more about a BBS. I was eleven years old. I installed the modem and just
called everywhere for files. A lot. I had gotten a new 8086 (also for free,
from a friend of my mother's) with a hard drive, and filled that up the
first night I got my modem with cheap CGA games. I played them, and forgot
about programming. There was another whole world. Craps could wait. I loved
doing this.
One day, after moving again, I looked in my BBS list and saw a name of a
BBS that I had seen Falcon call before, a long time ago. I called it. I
wasn't in that BBS, but a different one. I was in a chat board. That chat
board became my home. In the months of April-December 1993, I made 983
calls to that chat board. I learned everything about everything, because
now I was talking with people. I had never been social as a child. I was
always more advanced, more ahead. I hated that. Now I had a chance to talk
to people who were on the same level as I was! I did. When that chat board
died, I moved to another one, a DDial, that still exists today. I have
since ceased calling there, but I still love it. I woke up, and called. All
day. Called, called called. It never tired me.
Until I learned enough to become aware of the computer world and the rest
of the world, I was content. Soon after calling those chat boards, I found
out my computer was worthless. My cherished computer was practically
worthless. I bought a new one. And another one. I bought three new
computers. I spent over $5,000 keeping up with all the new technology. I
still do not know why I did. I realized one day, after moving up to here,
that I was far away from my beloved chat board, and I couldn't call as much
as I could before, or the phone bill would be TOO high.
Falcon never got the same as I did. He hated the chat board at first, but
after a while, he was hooked as well. He never got *too* hooked; when that
first chat board went down, he shrugged. "Oh Well." he said. That annoyed
me.
Regardless of the phone bill, I called anyway. The phone bill was $800. I
couldn't keep this up. I had to stop. I did. I threw my modem away. My
parents were now very worried. They took me to a psychologist, who
prescribed Haldol for two weeks, then lithium for a month, then prozac
until "recovery". I went down the list, took those medications for about
half a year, went to school, made new friends, forgot all about the
computer world.
I met Stone. He got me back into computers. I was on the brink of getting
back in anyway, since this was the time of the "Information Superhighway".
Media was beginning to promote computers and modems more. I took myself off
the Prozac, bought a cheap 9600 baud modem at a garage sale, and have used
it very few times. My computer had sat for three months until I met Stone.
I am trying so hard to not start what I did again, but I don't know how
long I can last. I've got to find a way to get rid of this. It's like an
addiction, but worse. It's not a physical addiction, it's mental.
I'm in the trap again, and I fear now I may not get out. I speak against
AOL and similar services, getting children my age into modeming. I read an
article in _Computer Life_ (a really annoying magazine - promotes getting
"wired into the information superhighway") about eight-year-olds "surfing
the 'net" and getting their own WWW homepage. This scares me. I don't want
what happened to me to happen to them.
I read an article in a psycology journal about a man of twenty-three years,
who was put in a mental institution having a case greatly resembling mine.
He was a brilliant computer network designer, just getting out of MIT.
This, whatever this is, is like a secret. Once you know the secret, you
can't forget it. The secret only comes to people who can understand it.
Few can, thankfully. I can't accept those thousands of kids playing MUDs
and getting their Internet homepage. Those children can have a much better
time doing other things. I could have. I can't accept the media and
millions of ignorant people who are immune to the secret promoting its
means of transmission. I can't accept the government's "Information
Superhighway" program. I can't accept Ameritech's "Testing Towns". I can't
accept AT&T's "You Will" commercials. I can't accept a lot of things.
The secret gives greatly, but takes more. It depends on your morals. Are
you willing to suffer the consequences to get the results? The truth is,
millions are. The secret has given me typing speeds exceeding 100wpm,
fluent knowledge in three programming languages, knowledge of computer
software and hardware like the back of my hand, and a noise inside my head
that is always saying "You need more!". I'm wondering if that was what
Trent Reznor was speaking of in _The Downward Spiral_'s "the becoming".
I'm caught in the trap again. This time, I'm in it too deep. I will never
get out. I wonder how far it will go before it goes too far.
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