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Beyond Eternity 07
BEYOND ETERNITY ISSN 1203-5416
Episode 07 <--> Juneish 1996
Sanjay Singh eternity@cyberspace.org
_______________________________________________________________
"Some will fall in love with life
And drink it from a fountain,
That is pouring like an avalanche,
Coming down the mountain." [The Butthole Surfers]
I've been doing a bit of thinking this month. Actually a
friend made me think when he took me up on my offer to tell him
about all the things he's been right about recently. That got me
to realize the impact that he has made on my life, and so I decided
to turn the spotlight on some of the other people that I've crossed
paths with. Some are still friends, and others have scattered with
the winds... but as cliched as it sounds, parts of them have stayed
with me.
So that's the idea. Everyone has a set of rules and theories
that they use in their lives, or at least something that's in a lot
of their conversations. So I sat down and came up with a list of
these rules that meant something to me, things that I think about
when nothing seems consistent in my life. When I need stability,
these rules are there, and they still prove themselves true at
times. It's more of a who's-who listing of the Eternals than what
I normally send to you, but it's just been one of those months.
In it's own little way, this issue is an homage to Dave Sim.
The single most self-indulgent writer (well, he writes comic books,
but they have as much pages 'novel text' as they have of pictures,
so I call him a writer) that I know of. That's what makes this
issue a little more about 'me' than a lot of the others that I've
written; definitely more than any other issue since the name
change.
I don't want this to sound like an excuse for anything, but
this is one of the hardest issues I've written in a long time, and
it'll probably won't be taken all that well because it's missing
out on a lot of relevance for a lot of my readers (you). Fair
enough, but it gets a lot of thoughts on paper that should have
been put there a while ago. Think about it this way, I'm just
cleaning house and things will start to get bigger and better soon
(ahem -- I hope). And I'd just like to leave one final note about
this. Two people are conspicuously missing from this issue (you
know who you are), for them, trying to isolate one quality above
all others just seemed like a waste of time. They're not
necessarily the most balanced people, but I found it too hard to
put them onto paper. No hard feelings, you both know how I feel.
Now, about the "what was missing" problem. I think there were
two problems... Firstly, the past several articles have all been
about me. I wasn't looking out at the world anymore, I had just
turned the microscope on myself. I am very introspective, but I
can't see how that would be interesting to all of you if I kept on
doing it issue after issue. So I'll try to cut back. This issue
has been toned down a bit (but its still an exercise in overkill),
and everything should be settled by the next one.
The other problem was that, as one of my favourite people put
it, Eternity was just missing "a coherent theme." It's something
I've been giving some thought to as well. In the beginning there
was some sort of continuity from one article to the next. The
thread might have been subtle, but at least it was there. That
hasn't happened lately. This will be a little tougher to work out,
but I'll see what I can do there too. Thanks for staying tuned.
Contents
========
- Introduction (you just read it)
- For Those Who Don't Subscribe
- Welcome Home
- Hail To The Editor!
- The Choice Is Yours
- This Is Eternity
- Endnote
- Administrivia
- Rules Of The Game
For Those Who Don't Subscribe
=============================
No quotation, no introduction other than this: I know
there are people out there that read Eternity who aren't
on the mailing list, so they missed this message (there
have also been a few people that subscribed after I sent
it). It's just a quick explanation of what happened with
this issue.
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Tue, 28 May 1996 00:43:56 -0400 (EDT)
From: Sanjay Singh <svsingh@cayley.uwaterloo.ca>
To: "Beyond Eternity..." <eternity@cyberspace.org>
Subject: Knock knock...
[Note: This came out a lot gloomier than I had hoped. Just
for the record.]
I really don't want to be here. I really don't want to be
sitting here writing this letter to all of you, but it had to be
done.
I could say that it was bound to happen eventually, but I
don't want to use that as an excuse. I'll just get to the point
now.
I was reading through some old issues last week and I
realized that Eternity was missing something. I'm not exactly
sure what it was, but something had changed. So I've spent a bit
of time trying to figure out what it was. Now I'm trying to
figure out how to put things back the way they were. I'm not
talking about going back to TEA, I just want Beyond to be a
little (maybe a lot) more consistent.
Of course, fixing an almost complete issue takes some time,
and that brings us to this letter.
Beyond Eternity -- Episode 7 which I wanted to release on
Wednesday will probably be going out sometime in the middle of
June. Then the next Episode will come out at the end of July.
What it boils down to is this: you'll be getting two issues in
three months (the first of which ends on Friday).
I just thought I'd let you know that I was sorry for
changing gears this month. If you were anxiously waiting for the
next one (it could happen), then I'd suggest reading a book,
seeing a movie, or just relaxing on a lawn chair somewhere sunny.
I suppose that's all that I have to say.
Take care, and you'll be getting something by the 15th.
Sanjay
Welcome Home
============
"People can never be happy because if they were, they
wouldn't have anything to complain about, and
complaining is what makes people happy." [Allan]
Well, it's official. I'm back home again. It's summer, and
when I'm not at work, I'm at home minding my own business.
Pretty much, being me. Being me, and being happy that I'm being
me. No problem right? Alas, it seems that my happiness was not
meant to be.
Now, as you may, or may not know, I spent the better part of
the past five years (at least up until last September) battling
some pretty ugly mood swings and a bit of depression. During
that time, whenever I saw my mother, especially when I picked her
up at the train station after work, she'd get into the car and
after of couple of minutes of driving in silence, she'd tell me
to smile.
Being who I was at the time, and still am in part today, I
would ask why. She'd make some flippant remark about the world
being a wonderful place and then I'd name off about a dozen
reasons why it wasn't. This was the game we played. She was
trying to convince herself that my happiness (even if it was only
on the surface) was proof that she was a good parent, and my
smart-assed resistance to it, which I used to try to convince
myself that I was in control of my emotions.
But that was then, and this is now. I've beaten my
depression, and I can control my mood swings (more or less). I
can honestly look at myself in the mirror every morning and not
want to spit at the reflected face. I am happy. The cost for
this happiness? A bit of innocence, a lot of naivety, and the
acceptance of a handy little latin phrase: "non illegitimi te
carborundum." [Literally, 'don't let the bastards get you
down.'] It seemed like a pretty good deal, maybe it just wasn't
good enough.
I could say that I traded a lot of my innocence away one hot
July night six years (almost) ago, and that was what nearly
destroyed me. Naivety I can live without, I'd rather see the
world without blinders, no matter how ugly it is. Not a bad deal
if you ask me. Spend less, get rid of some junk that's weighing
you down, and still take home the better product (me, new and
improved!).
This is what happens now when I try to meet my mother at the
train station. She gets into the car, and sees me smiling. It's
a real one too. One hundred percent gen-u-ine. Then we have the
ritual minute of silence and then she asks me why we don't talk
anymore. I tell her that I don't have anything to say, but if
she wants to pick a topic, I'd be more than happy to talk about
it... at least if it's something I want to talk about. Then I
hear about how much I've changed. This is nothing special,
because, yes I have changed. Then I get hit by the big double-
whammy: "I don't like the way you've changed."
I guess what they say is true, there really just ain't no
pleasin' some people. It's a pity, really. I've invested a lot
of time into myself to try to be who others wanted me to be.
That, of course, was largely unsuccessful because in the end I
didn't even know who I was. Now is the first time in my life
that I've been able to say "This is me." and it's not what she
wanted. Well, all sales are final. No returns, no refunds. I'm
not going back. The world of Sanjay was a pretty dark place and
in all honesty, I'm terrified at the thought of stepping back
into it. At least I've managed to figure out why people like
night lights.
Hail To The Editor!
===================
"Try explaining it to them instead of the entire world
maybe?" [Paul]
Editor Paul has been suspiciously absent for a while. He's
been busy with school, life, and all of the other things that
normally consume a person's mind. In short, the past couple of
months have just seemed like a really bad time to ask him for a
favour, like going over an issue for me.
I think it showed too. The reason that I chose to have
someone read through each issue before sending them out was that
I needed an anchor. A lot of the times I forget where I am, and
Eternity becomes a diary, full of anger and frustration. That's
when Paul sends me a nifty message like the one above.
Basically, "why are you telling us this and why should we care?"
He manages to say it a bit more tactfully, but he'll get the
point across. Good or no good.
I know most 'zines don't bother with an editor, but with me
I think the need is pretty serious. Normally, if I'm in a good
mood I'll be somewhere else enjoying it. It's when I'm out of my
mind-set or mad at the world that I'll just sit and brood. It
just means that most of the time that I spend in front of my
computer is unhappy time. So to even out with losing the peaks
of my jubilation, Paul steps in and cuts out the valleys of
depression.
I just thought you'd like to know why he was here. I also
thought it was about time I actually gave him the credit he
deserves. He's no longer the unsung hero of Eternity.
The Choice Is Yours
===================
"My happiness is important to me." [Tyler]
I think this was one of the toughest things I've ever chosen
to write about. Tyler is, without a doubt, my closest friend.
He is the one person I trust fully and completely. There are no
secrets, and there is nothing left unsaid. He can read me like
an open book, and I'd like to think that I can do the same for
him.
I owe a lot to him in terms of a life philosophy. I learned
that an opinion that you couldn't qualify wasn't worth having. I
also learned that I didn't really need to care what my family
thought about anything in my life from him. He's not the only
consistent, trustworthy, and all together honourable person that
I know, but I've known him for fourteen years, and he's always
been the rock in my life, that's important when you're lost in a
sea of hypocrisy and anger.
So that was the problem that I had... Picking one thing
that I've gotten from him. One little snip of information that
I've gleaned over the years. I even asked him what his
prevailing philosophy was, just so I could have something to
write about. The problem was that I didn't really like his
answer: "Do one thing, and do it well." I don't even think he
follows this one all that carefully.
So I started thinking about some of the more common things
he says, the only thing that came to mind was "There's a lot of
truth behind every joke," but that just didn't seem to be what I
was looking for either. Today I realized what it was.
This may be an odd reference for some of you, but there was
once an episode of 'The Cosby Show' where Theo and his friend got
into an argument. Only one of them could get into some kind of
club or something, and they went through the usual
"You go."
"No you can go."
routine. Then on the third or fourth time, his friend took his
offer, and went in. And that's where Tyler got the philosophy
from.
Tyler is where I got the same philosophy from (I was never a
big Cosby fan) from. Here is the source for a lot of my
leadership ideals and my decision models. And that makes him the
unwritten character in a lot of the eternity articles (no pun /
reference intended).
If you make an offer to Tyler, chances are that he'll take
you up on it. It took a bit of time for me to get used to it,
but it does make a lot more sense to play it that way than to
fake politeness. Like I've said before, it's a matter of
control, who has it. Who leads? My vote lies here, he's one of
the few natural leaders left and more importantly that even that.
He's one of the greatest mentors and friends that I have.
This Is Eternity
================
"Too bad eternity has to last forever." [Jessica]
I know I've used that line before, and I didn't really plan
on using it in this issue because it had been used a lot, but
then I realized that more than anything else anyone has ever said
to me, this simple little sentence has carried me through a lot.
I've also been asked about the connection between me and
eternity. I use the word a lot, it's in the title of Beyond
Eternity, and it was also in the previous version, The Eternity
Articles, but I never really explained what it means to me. As
they say, there's no time like the present...
This was the last thing a friend said to me a long time ago.
It was the last line in a letter, right before the signature and
I didn't have the courage to reply. That was the last thing that
we ever really shared, but it means more to me than just
someone's last words... Hold on tight, you're about to learn the
definition of Eternity (well, without some of the details, but
you should be used to that by now).
It came at the end of a friendship that was torn apart by
guilt, and I was the guilty one (both in action and in mind), but
no one would let me accept full responsibility for what I did.
The last person that heard the story even told me that it not my
fault, but that's not really important. The bottom line was that
I was feeling incredible amounts of guilt for what I had done and
I was determined to feel guilty for a long, long time. It was a
self-inflicted punishment, but since no one was willing to make
me responsible, I had to be the one to come up with the penance.
My sentence? Eternity.
So, I got a little bit of help from my friends, and I
finally learned the point of what Jessie was trying to say to me.
It's actually pretty sad that it took me so long to realize what
I was obsessed with, but maybe I always knew what she was trying
to say.
It was never about us, it was about me. I thought that she
was giving me a chance to break contact. I thought that she was
telling me that it would take an eternity before I would accept
what happened and try to find her again. Leave it to me to
completely overlook a bit of subtle irony. Eternity wasn't about
anything ending. It was about forever. Punish yourself forever,
and you'll lose everything. Lie in wait for eternity to come to
you and everything will be gone by the time you get out. (That
doesn't mean Beyond Eternity... I'm talking about the real one
here.)
Maybe that's why I've carried it with me. Whenever life
starts kicking me in the head, "Too bad..." just bubbles to the
tip of my tongue (it's one of my personal mantras that can be
heard when I'm writing an exam). If I can survive my own
personal hell, what can't I survive?
For everyone that wanted to know what the deal with me and
eternity was... now you know. And I think I've finally figured
out what Beyond Eternity really means. The hardest part of the
journey is behind me now, you'll have to excuse me while I find a
tall building to leap over now. Talk to you in a month and a
half.
Endnote
=======
me: It just fit, I think you'll understand.
"The problem is maddening. The thing you seek is so close, you
feel you could reach out and touch it. You feel it is your
immutable destiny to do so. You have not come this far and at
such a cost merely to turn around and go back. There is a
solution. Of this you are certain. Now, no longer a game of
mass, a game of destiny, it has become, instead a contest of
wills. You focus on That Which You Seek as if your gaze alone
might bring it closer or narrow the distance between you. Just
as it feels as if your mind itself will explode from the
strain..."
** from "Flight", a Cerebus comic, by Dave Sim **
Administrivia...
================
Beyond Eternity (ISSN 1203-5416) is a monthly serial that is
written (for the most part) and compiled by Sanjay Singh, and
then edited by Paul Sheen and Sanjay Singh. You can find older
(or even current) issues from any of these places...
mail: eternity@cyberspace.org
web: http://www.interlog.com/~vash
ftp: ftp.etext.org: /pub/Zines/Eternity/
gopher: gopher.etext.org (follow the prompts)
usenet: alt.zines
subscriptions: Just send me mail, I'll add you to the list. All
I ask is that you let me know what you think about
"Beyond Eternity...", and you can even mention how
you found out about it. It's a small price to
pay, but that's all I ask for.
As always, if you have a question, comment, statement, rant,
or anything, feel free to let me know. (Who knows, you might
even feel better that you did it.) There's always room for me to
improve, and there's always room for outside contributions. When
I say that one person can make a difference, that includes you.
Rules Of The Game
=================
I take full responsibility of the overall content here.
There might be other writers but what goes into this is my
choice. Copyright is held by whoever wrote the article, and if
it doesn't say who they were, then it was me. I'd strongly
suggest asking them for permission before you reprint anything
that was written in here (this includes my stuff). Chances are
that I won't object, but I'd still like to know.
In past issues of The Eternity Articles, I was asked if what
I had written was true. I'll state this for the record now,
"everything I write is true to me". As for the other writers,
well, you'd have to ask them. As a general rule I'm not going to
print pure fiction anymore, unless I think that it has a message
that's worth relaying.
I think that's all that needs to be said. Talk to you next
month.
Sanjay Singh (6/13/96)
