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Banana Juice Fanzine Issue 04
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Banana Juice Fanzine
Issue # 4
May, 2003
http://www.shoecandy.com/~cbrenz/bananajuice/
(c) 2002 - 2003
___________________________________________________________________
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Index / Issue # 4 / May
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1.) Introduction
2.) We Need Help
3.) Freedom -- Whats wrong with this French bashing? (by Nick Velk)
4.) Boy plays hide and go seek; never found (by C.B. Renz)
5.) Politicians; Scum of the Earth (by Nick Velk)
6.) Big Meia -- How are multi million dollar media conglomerates buying
up the air waves? (by C.B. Renz)
7.) Clouds -- A review on clouds--fluffy or not? (by Capn')
8.) Ugly fat woman under fire for wearing tight clothing (by C.B. Renz)
9.) Dear Colleen
10.) Local pot head sees God (by C.B. Renz)
11.) Santa's Reindeer to bomb Iran (by C.B. Renz)
12. Poor homeless guy has the bomb; Bush disapproves (by C.B. Renz)
13. PLAYBOY SPORTS LEAGUE (PSL)
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1. Introduction
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I apologize, but this issue of Banana Juice is coming out a couple
months late. I don't mean to make excuses, but we were having web space
problems, and personally, I was having computer problems.
Still, we have one fucked up, righteous issue of Banana Juice/issue
number five. In my opinion, this could be one of the better issues ever
and definitely the most humorous.
Unfortunately, this could be one of the last text issues of Banana
Juice. Our next issue is going paper back--but, if sales are alright, I
will release this in ASCII text once again for you text nerds out there!
So kick back, read on, grab a banana and enjoy!
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2. We Need Help!!!
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Banana Juice needs your help!
We have a severe lack of funding (being a teenager, and the most worthy
thing I own is a bin of pornos), we need your help to keep this thing
going.
Banana Juice would like to start a cd reviews section for all the
underground local music (Chicago area) that we can get. This cause a
problem with purchasing the cds--We can not afford them! So, I have
come up with two solutions--
1.) If you see me anywhere, you can hand me the album that you would
like to be reviewed. I am at a lot of shoes in the chicago area, so I
have included some pictures (<a
href="http://www.shoecandy.com/~bananajuice/i1/mugshot1.jpg">here</a>,<a
href="http://www.shoecandy.com/~bananajuice/i1/mugshot2.jpg"> and
here</a>). I will also try to wear a self made banana juice patch
somewhere on my apparel, so you can recognize me that way.
2.) If I have put a pay pal sign somewhere on this site, idea number
two is already in effect. The idea is that if you like this site, and
want to see it grow, you donate money to us. The first thing I would
buy is a P.O. box so you could send your stuff to us. Plus, the money
will also fund for us to go to shows, equipment, etc.
So, in other words, please help us! We are desperate!
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3. Freedom
by Nick Velk
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Freedom fries. Freedom toast. Freedom dressing. Sound gay and stupid?
You bet. You can thank your local member of Congress for changing the
names of French fries, French toast, and French dressing in the House
cafeterias. Spearheaded by Republican representatives Bob Ney and Walter
Jones, the name changes are meant as a protest against French opposition
to the Bush administration's Iraq war plans.
"This action today is a small, but symbolic effort to show the strong
displeasure of many on Capitol Hill with the actions of our so-called
ally, France," said Bob Ney, the chairman of the Committee on House
Administration.
I guess somebody neglected to tell Mr. Ney and Mr. Jones that French
fries originated in Belgium. The "French" in French fries doesn't refer
to its country of origin. It refers to the way in which this side dish
is prepared. Food that is cut into strips is said to be "Frenched."
Since French fries are strips of potato that have been fried, they
became known as French fried potatoes, or "French fries." Dumbasses...
So this is how our elected officials are spending their time?!? What the
hell is wrong with these people?!? It's just food! Do you really think
you are helping the country, or anybody for that matter, by eliminating
the word "French" from your cafeterias?
What's next? Is the government going to outlaw the instruction of French
in our public schools? Are we going to stop learning French history too?
During World War One and Two, many schools dropped German instruction
from their curriculum. During the Cold War, instruction in Russian
language and culture went the same way. Are we going to repeat these
senseless actions once again? Maybe we're going to bomb the Eiffel Tower
replica in Las Vegas.
It's no wonder why half the world hates America.
America is like a conceited, narcissistic cheerleader: Her head is so
far up her own ass that she can't see why anyone wouldn't like her.
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4. Boy plays hide and go seek; never found
by C.B. Renz
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A little boy is missing following an intense game of hide and go seek
this thursday. The boys name is Mikey Smalls, and the incident occurred
on 144 W. Green St. on Chicago's lower west side. According to Mikey's
friend, Jimmy Little, Mikey has been missing for the past three days.
"We were just playing, I didn't mean for anything bad to happen. I told
him not to do it," cried Jimmy. "He offered me his fire truck if I
played, and it goes vrrrrooommmm, so I said yes."
The incident has left the neighborhood stunned. Many mothers are now
both angred and saddened by the incident. One of the mothers, Cynthia
Kieger, has founded a new organization to help keep kids safe.
"We're calling this the Mothers Against Children Having Fun (MACHF),"
commented Cindy. "We believe that it is better to be safe than have any
fun at all. Our children's futures are depending on it!"
While the mothers were teamed up in their fight against entertainment,
many officials came in to view the scene--little was found. Local
investigators then began to bring in outside help.
One source of help came from the University of Illinois' Gregor Mezdel.
Gregor Mezdel has degrees in both nuclear physics and astronomy, and has
brought up an important theory in the mystery of Mikey: The Black Hole
Theory.
"When the positive energy is too high in a child," stated Gregor, "this
can create a tear in the space time continuum. This would suck the child
in like a worm, and collapse due to the matter of the child. It is
really quite simple."
While many debated over the 'Black Hole Theory', and also Gregor's
sanity, there were other possibilities that were put forth. Such
possibilities include falling in the garbage disposal, being mailed to
China, and even murdered by O.J.
Still, many believe that Mikey is still out there. The parents of Mikey
Smalls urge you to notify police if you see a small blonde hair, blue
eyed boy that resembles a mouse. Your help would be greatly appreciated.
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5. Politicians; Scum of the Earth
by Nick Velk
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There's some good news and some bad news in local politics,
folks. First, the good news: Rod R. Blagojevich was sworn in as
Illinois' 40th governor, replacing George Ryan, who is well known for the
"Licenses for Bribes" scandal and for recently clearing all inmates off
of Illinois' death row. The bad news? Rod R. Blagojevich is now
Illinois' new governor.
Blagojevich has been accused of having mob ties and many feel that he
owes his entire political career to his father-in-law, Dick Mell, who
happens to be an alderman for the city of Chicago.
Why are politicians so corrupt? That's the very question I've been
grappling over lately. Men like Blagojevich, Ryan, George W. Bush,
etcetera, are known as "Professional Politicians," meaning they make their
living through politics. Sure, they may have had a career before they were
elected to public office, but not anymore. Once they became
professional politicians, all else became null and void. Their families are just
an obstacle. Anything about their past will just get in the way of their
futures in politics.
You may be asking yourself, what can we do? Aren't all politicians
"professionals" and therefore scum? Believe it or not, no. There are some
politicians that were elected to office for some odd reason. Take Jesse
Ventura, former governor of Minnesota. He was a pro-wrestler and then
he decided to run as an independent candidate in Minnesota's
gubernatorial election. Ventura, being a former wrestler, probably isn't that
intelligent of a man, but I bet he's smarter than the average politician.
With his limited intelligence, he isn't able to get involved with
scandals or embezzle money. He just thinks about holding the economy in a
headlock and body slamming that abortion bill. All and all, I think
Minnesota became better with Jesse as governor.
Another example of an unconventional politician is Ronald Reagan. He
acted in B-rate movies in the fifties and later became governor of
California and a B-rate president. He actually made California a better place
and, in my opinion, didn't fuck America up too badly either. We didn't
get into any wars <ahem> George W. <ahem> and the only thing he screwed
up on was his management of the economy during the early eighties
(Reaganomics). Then there was Sonny Bono. He was a shitty singer during the
seventies and he also lacked intelligence, but he did a fairly decent
job as a congressman in California until he skied into a tree.
I see I'm rambling a bit, so I'll get to my point: All politicians
should die in skiing accidents.
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6. Big Media
by C.B. Renz
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Never has there been a more persuasive tool than the media and its
airwaves. It is clear that whoever rules the airwaves generally rules
the opinions and sympathy of the country's citizens. Unfortunately, the
airwaves are getting into fewer hands and releasing fewer opinions as
multi-billion dollar media conglomerates are beginning to buy up their
competition.
It used to be that corporate media firms were only allowed to own one
media station per city and were not allowed to own a TV station and
newspaper in the same town. But, in 1996, Congress passed a bill that
set aside most limits on how much of America's broadcasting industry big
media firms could own. Now a third of the country's radio stations have
been bought out by media conglomerates and more than three-quarters of
all Americans watch television stations owned by one of six companies.
This combats the guidelines set by the Carnegie Commission of
Educational Television which was written in 1967: "We seek for the
artist, the technician, the journalist, the scholar, and the public
servant freedom to create, freedom to innovate, freedom to be heard in
this most far-reaching medium. We seek for the citizen freedom to view,
to see programs that the present system, by its incompleteness, denies
him."
The problem with "media consolidation" is that multi-billion dollar
media conglomerates buy up their competition and then centralize their
operations. Not only does this take away from better local programming
and more news stories, it also puts forth the possibility of endangering
communities due to inaccessibility to the town's airwaves.
One case of this possibility would be what occurred in January of 2002
in Minot, North Dakota. In Minot, a train derailed, spilling 210,000
gallons of ammonia. Officials wanted to put out a warning to its
citizens through the media but were unable to because 6 of the 7
channels in the town were owned by the Clear Channel Communications,
located in far-off studios.
Also, a recent study by Columbia University's Project of Excellence in
Journalism proves that local programming produces better newscasts with
less celebrity profiling and more local stories. And, one of the biggest
things the big media conglomerates don't cover is themselves.
Most Americans, seventy-two percent, aren't even aware of the debate
over media consolidation. And, according to the Center of Public
Integrity, big media conglomerates and our government are too tied
together to be comfortable. According to the center "the fifty largest
media companies and four of their trade associates spent 111.3 million
dollars between 1996 and mid-2000 to lobby Congress and the executive
branch." Also, from 1993 to 2000, media corporations have given 75
million in campaign contributions to candidates for federal office and
to the two major political parties.
This means that the government is in the wallets of big media
conglomerates and therefore the media conglomerates don't cover media
policy debates in their newscasts.
Plus, more and more often newscasts are finding it not enticing to
challenge the policies that their bosses philosophize so often. One case
would be a story that Channel 7 news was doing on their parent company,
Disney. In the story it was stated that Disney was not doing proper
background checks which were leading to the hiring of convicted
pedophiles. ABC quickly dropped the story when it was contended by
Disney.
This trend of media consolidation brings up the question that if this
occurs at the same pace it has been--Will democracy still exist in the
years to come? It is true that we are persuaded by television which can
be proved by our current war with Iraq and the 90% approval rating of
our president due to the media pushing for presidential support and
pro-war protests. But, are we on our way to a future dictatorship run by
the IBMs and Mickey Mouses?
On June 26, the FCC is voting to remove all remaining buying laws over
airwaves. Contact your local Congress and tell them that you do not agree
with media consolidation and that big media conglomerates should not have a
monopoly over the airwaves, which technically belong to the public. Be
patriotic, help democracy, and help keep news media independent and
worthwhile.
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7. Clouds
by Capn'
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In the post 9-11 world, clouds are more important than ever. Without
clouds we would be pouned on by extreme amounts of sunlight. Sunlight
can lead to skin cancer, and that ain't good.
So it would seem like I would be an advocate of clouds and the things
that clouds do for society. But I'm not.
Now I bet you want to ask me, "Mike, how can you possibly hate clouds.
They stop skin cancer. Are you saying you like skin cancer? Maybe
even love it?" To that I say, "NO!". How could you possibly ask such a
thing. Skin cancer is one of the most horrible diseases of the skin
known to man. Acne can't hold a candle to some really nasty melanoma.
So, no dear reader, I don't like skin cancer.
But that doesn't mean I have to like clouds and you know it.
Sometimes clouds can be nice. Those long whisphy clouds you see in the
summer while your eating a delicious Eskimo Pie are unforgettable. But
for every day of what some cloud-enthusiasts call "wonder-clouds", there
are dozens of days of heavy gray clouds that cover the whole sky. Those
suck!
Not being able to see the blueness of the sky just plain reels in my
rod. "Wonder-clouds" are not worth the depressing gray (sometimes
black) days of winter.
So in conclusion, I ain't a cloud fan and I never will be. Now somebody
get me some cotton candy. Hey!, did you ever notice how cotton candy
looks like a cloud. I like cotton candy. Change in plans. Clouds (i.e.
cotton candy of the sky) are sweeeeeeet
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8. Ugly fat woman under fire for wearing tight clothing
by C.B. Renz
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An ugly fat woman is under major controversy after walking down a North
Ridge street while wearing tight clothing.
The incident happened around noon on Sunday. Local pediatrician, Michael
Spinner, was receiving his mail when he observed the incident. "I had
never seen anything like it," claims Michael. "The ripples in the shirt
looked like an aftermath of an earthquake. I have never seen anything
more grotesque in my life!"
While sightings piled up, police became bewildered. "We've had reports
from anything resembling an elephant looking lady to someone who resembles the
nutty professor in some way," quoted Police Chief Zimber on Sunday. "We
are currently looking into the situation."
Local police have put out a bulletin since that report. The North Ridge
police urge anyone who has seen a lady with ripples like an
earthquake's aftermath in her shirt to please report the incident to
them. There will be a reward of five jelly donuts to whomever comes up
with information which resolves the situation.
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9. Dear Colleen
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Dear Colleen,
I've always taken my relationships very seriously,
ever since my first relationship back in eight grade.
I've always expected (even demanded) a great deal of
emotion linked to every relationship. I'm a huge fan
of cuddling and sharing thoughts, all those kinds of
sweet things. I'm definitely one of those girls who
doesn't care what her boyfriend looks like, as long as
he's as sweet as pie and just as tasty to talk to. But
here comes my problem. I recently went through a very
very rough breakup with the love of my life, who I
was... lets say very intimately attached to. I feel not
like the sweet innocent single and searching for that
perfect cutie-pie kinda girl I used to be, but instead
I'm desperately trying to get with the hottest guy
around... all the time. I've been finding myself doing
things I never would have even thought about doing
before with guys I've never even met. Is this just a
bounce-back craze? Am I just looking for the action I
miss getting from my ex? Or have I just changed to a
horny slut because I got my taste of sex and now I
just want more more more? Please please help! I'm
desperately in need!
-Desperately Lonely,
Trinidad, CO
{plain}
Dear Desperately Lonely,
Life really sucks I'd have to say. I remember my
eight grade years! I used to sit by this really cute
boy in our German class. Mmm, except now he's not cute
anymore, because he got his haircut and he's a gothy
punk boy with a really ugly girlfriend. That happens
to a lot of boys... it bugs me to the max definitely.
And then all the ugly boys grow up to be hotties and
that bugs me too. It ticks me off when the really sexy
guys hook up with ugly girls, its all like 'what does
this tramp have that I don't?!' What really bugs me is
when a guy is so gorgeous, but he's all sensitive and
wants to like cuddle and writes me poems and stuff.
Ick, that stuff just icks me out crazy style. I just
want a guy to be big and muscley, and not try to
impress me with his big head, I think smart guys are
total turnoffs. Oh gosh, speaking of turnoffs, I can't
stand guys with ugly teeth! Oh my gosh, some of these
guys at school really need to learn how to use a
toothbrush for gods sake! Oh my... its so annoying.
Especially when a sexy guy has gross teeth, and he all
wants to kiss you and stuff and its like 'woah woah' I
don't want that crap on my teeth! I (unlike some
people) clean my teeth regularly because yellow teeth
look terrible! Especially with lipstick, gahross-ness!
Even worse when gross teeth have gross lipstick on
them! Heheh yuckers! Oh oh, so what I'm really trying
to get across to you and all my spectacular awesome
readers is make sure you brush and floss and pay
attention when you're putting on your lipstick babes!
Catch yah on the flip side! MWAH!
{italic}
Dear Colleen,
I was in a seven-year relationship with a wonderful
married man I'll call Hank. We were discreet and
respectful with his wife. She died three months ago
after a lingering illness. A month after that, Hank
suggested we date openly and talked as though we were
a couple. But, two weeks ago, he canceled our plans at
the last minute, saying he had had a "surreal
experience" and "what was OK then is not OK now." He
would not be more specific. I begged for an
explanation and closure. He refused to be more
specific and became defensive. We have not spoken
since. Colleen, I am still reeling from this because I
thought we had a strong friendship and a foundation
for something in the future. Friends have told me that
rejection of the mistress after the death of a wife is
very common. Can you give me some insight into the
emotional dynamics of this situation?
-Former Mistress in Mourning
Brigaton, CA
{plain}
Dear Mistress in Mourning,
Oh my god, this married guy totally wanted to cheat
on his wife with me this one time! I was at a carnival
and he touched me a couple times in line and said
dirty things to me, and he was wearing a wedding ring.
Ick, it was pretty nasty I'd say! I kicked him in the
go-nads so it was all good after that, 'cause I ran
pretty fast. Speaking of surreal experiences, I had
one, but I didn't know it until I looked up surreal in
the dictionary for my English paper. But I was running
down the street from this guy I kicked in the go-nads,
and this other guy totally shouted behind me. I turned
around and saw that it was my friend Jonathan (oh my
god is he a hottie! Yowzers) and after I turned around
a car totally crashed into the building like ten feet
behind me where I was about to run to! Isn't that mad
freaky? Surreal even... at least I remember thinking
that after I looked it up in the dictionary. I wonder
whats going on at the mall, maybe I could get a
dictionary there. The mall has been fairly lacking in
hot guys lately, I went there to check some out and
they were all pretty gross or with gross girlfriends.
Or the skanky ones, I hate the skanky girlfriends!
Gosh, all guy are looking for in a girl is an empty
head and a full chest! Our peoples in this world are
so shallow! Oh crap, I have to go my mom just came
home and she's flippin out crazy style, no problem
with the help lady!
Dear Colleen,
I'm so sick of the world. It seems like out of my
tight knit group of friends, I'm always the last to
know everything. In fact, I'm the last to hear
anything period! I found out this evening that my
brother has a girlfriend, one that he's been dating
for over a year and a half. No one tells me anything,
it seems like no one is listening! It seems like I'm
not here, or not important, people just blow me off
like I'm nothing, like I'm no one. This sick cruel
world hates me. I hate it. I hate it. I just want
someone to listen to me talk, I want someone to answer
my questions. Am I crazy Colleen? I just want to feel
like someone cares, like someone feels that I'm
important, and that I shouldn't be the last to hear
everything. What's wrong with me Colleen?
-Lacking Self-worth
Dear Lacking Self-Worth,
I'm sorry to say, but the other two people wrote a
lot of crap about their lives. Here at this Bannana
thingy we don't get much room to write our column
articles so I am kinda cramped on my space. I'll get
to you next time babe, make sure you just read the
next issue. Catch yah on the flip side sweetie!
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10. Local pot head sees God
by C.B. Renz
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This Saturday, local pot head Johnny McSmoke claimed to have had an
aspiration from god. According to Johnny's remarks, God apparently
reached down from heaven and asked Johnny if he had "any Dorritos."
Johnny then cleverly answered, "No, but I have some Fritos, man!"
Scientists are still looking into the claims.
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11. Santa's Reindeer to bomb Iran
by C.B. Renz
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After failing to get the UN on his side in disarming Iran, George W Bush
has moved up north in his endeavors (way up north). In order to help
his cause, George W Bush has hired all of Santa's reindeer, including
the infamous Rudolph, to aid in the United States bombing on Iran.
George W. is also dealing with Santa to allow elves to plant peppermint
bombs on Iran soil.
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12. Poor homeless guy has the bomb; Bush disapproves
by C.B. Renz
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Poor homeless guy Marcus Smith has released a statement to the public
informing Mr. Bush that he now has the bomb. Mr. Smith has warned the
current Bush administration that if they don't meet his demands, Mr.
Smith will bring cruel and certain armageddon to the the world. His
demands consist of (1) five cans of tuna, (2) twenty dollars in cash,
(3) a new jacket, (4) a new pair of shoes, and (5) a weeks worth of
trojan condoms. Bush has responded by calling Mr. Smith a "mad man" and
refusing to "meet the demands of any terrorist of any kind, no matter
what the costs." Bush has also released a statement quoting, "you are
either with us or with the hobos."
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13. PLAYBOY SPORTS LEAGUE (PSL)
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Anaheim Anals 83, Richmond Rim Jobs 80 (OT)
Richmond, VA. - Mike Cunt scrambled for a loose ball, fought through a
double team and hit a lay-up for the go-ahead basket with 2:34 left in
overtime and Anaheim (10-1) edged out Richmond (7-6).
Dick Isinja had 26 points and eight rebounds for the Anals.
Seattle 69ers 72, Chicago Clits 69
Chicago, IL. - Heywood Jajacmi, the Polish thunder, went down under and
hit two 3-pointers down the stretch and Harry Testes scored 19 points
as Seattle (8-5) beat Chicago (11-2).
Mo Pussy led Chicago with 23 points while the ex-Japanese Samurai
Master Beta scored 18 for Seattle.
Boston BJs 85, Colorado Cornholers. 72
Boulder, CO. - Will Yablowme scored 19 points and Long Duk Dong had 18
points and 12 rebounds to lead the BJs (11-2) over Colorado (10-3),
which got 17 points each from Joe Cock and Ben Downansukmi.
NEXT WEEKEND:
New York Yankers vs. Miami Mighty Fucks
Dayton Dykes vs. Detroit Dildoes
***PSL CREATED BY NICK VELK**
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Check out the Banana Juice Website at:
(http://www.shoecandy.com/~cbrenz/bananajuice/)
----
Send any comments, suggestions, articles to:
bananamanc@yahoo.com
*keep in mind, all e-mails may be published
unless stated otherwise*
___________________________________________________________________
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V \
\ \_
\,'.`-.
|\ `. `.
( \ `. `-. _,.-:\
\ \ `. `-._ __..--' ,-';/
\ `. `-. `-..___..---' _.--' ,'/
`. `. `-._ __..--' ,' /
`. `-_ ``--..'' _.-' ,'
`-_ `-.___ __,--' ,'
`-.__ `----""" __.-'
`--..____..--'
Banana Juice Fanzine
Issue # 4
May, 2003
http://www.shoecandy.com/~cbrenz/bananajuice/
(c) 2002 - 2003
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