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anus 11
The Art Of Blinkie Running
(an ANUS production)
by Captain Crapp and Vile Scent
Turd (713) 963-8529
Chapter I: Definitions
Many people, upon seeing this file, will exclaim in a tone of
bewilderment and curiousity, "What the fuck is a blinkie?"
A blinkie (avoidus splattus) is one of the flashing lights mounted on
top of sawhorses or stands that surround construction sites. They are usually
set to blink when it is substantially dark outside, or at least enough to be
dangerous. Blinkies are usually either secured to signs or sawhorses, or
attached to a single wooden plank either stand alone or on top of a crash
barrier. A single thick bolt runs through the blinkie and whatever it is
mounted on; the bolt may or may not have a protective shield.
A blinkie run is the actual act of stealing a blinkie or multiple
blinkies. A blinkie hunt is the act of finding a good place to make a blinkie
run. And, of course, a pig is a police officer, a pigmo is a police car or
van, a barker is a concerned citizen who reports a blinkie runner, and
Baco-Bits are security guards.
Chapter II: The Hunt for Red Blinkie
Naturally, at some point in his or her life, the average teenager will
wish to own a blinkie. Why? Beats me. But I love the hell out of having six
of them in my room. Many kids get their blinkies through friends, or buy them
from contacts, but I prefer to get them the old fashioned way. I steal them.
If you wish to steal a blinkie or more, I suggest that you plan the
pilferage in the following manner: hunt for a site, check patrol times and
visibility, secure an alibi and make the blinkie run. The more important steps
in this list are one and two, the most important of which is the blinkie hunt.
A blinkie hunt is a group outing in an innocuous-looking vehicle. You and your
friends spot areas where blinkies can be found. If you want only a few, look
for a secluded construction job. If you want many, look for a big site with
good visibility for you and infrequent bacon interventions. Check the bolts on
the blinkies, and the condition of the blinkies. No one wants a blinkie full
of battery acid, or a blinkie that has met its maker. If the location looks
promising, determine when the best time to thieve it is. Sometimes, broad
daylight is best because no one will notice or care, but will figure you are up
to something more heinous if you show up at night. Usually about 3:00-3:30
A.M. is perfect, because the pigmo patrols are infrequent at best, and
sometimes non-existent. Don't worry too much about this, because if you go
late enough or have a lookout you're going to be decently safe.
Once you have found your site, get your equipment together. I suggest
a large backpack lined with a dark blanket or shirt to mask blinking, and a
socket wrench with a 19 mm diameter cup. I have found this size to work best
with blinkies, at least in the Houston area. When you go on a blinkie run, it
is best to make sure beforehand that your tools will remove the little blinker.
Your backpack must be big enough to hold all of the blinkies that you want to
steal as well as something to cover up the blinking. I suggest an old camp
blanket. Also, it helps to have a friend or two along to help steal and keep
watch. Besides, talking to blinkies is boring.
As for an alibi, make sure you have a friend nearby who won't mind if
you say you were going to his house. Spending the night works best, as it
leaves an open curfew and plenty of time for multiple runs. Also, see if you
can get the friend to leave his garage open with a "blinkie box" in it for
depositing the trophies of your night's expeditions.
Chapter III: The Blinkie Run
This is it, the moment of truth. You have your vehicle ready, a full
tank of gas, backpack and blinkie tool stowed in back. You have a friend or
two ready to provide lookout and additional burglary help. Basically, you're
ready to go.
There are several important rules to remember while stealing the
blinkie. Number one is to do everything absolutely legally, excepting actually
heisting the blinkies. That way there is nothing that can snag you up unless
you get outright busted. If you get flashed as you pull away from the sight,
stop normally and ask what is the problem (with blinkie bag and tool in trunk).
The pig can't search your car, so just be polite and move on. He'll usually
hassle you for a while, especially if he is private piggery (i.e. village or
Baco-Bits). Don't sweat. Try to complete everything in under five minutes.
Don't have anything incriminating in view in your car. Don't brag about your
blinkie run beforehand. Let not your right hand know that your left hand is
stealing blinkies. And last, but not least, sacrifice one blinkie to the holy
blinkie god and give it to a friend. You can usually count on a return favor.
Chapter IV: The Aftermath
Take the blinkies you haven't given away home and stash them. Keep in
mind that they are activated by light level, so that a blinkie in a dark room
always blinks. Sometimes you can turn them off by inserting a straight piece
of thick wire into a hole in the front of the blinkie and pushing hard. If
that fails, take the blinkie down to two pieces, top and battery case bottom.
It's wise to keep them away from street-facing windows at night, or the local
piggery may get suspicious.
If you are really into blinkie thieving, you may find it is addictive.
Don't slack off on the precautions mentioned above, no matter how many times
you've taken blinkies before. For further discussion of blinkie runs, call
Turd at (713) 963-8529 and post on the subboard named "Blinkie Run." I preside
over it occasionally and would be glad to help you out.
Captain Crapp
American Nihilist Underground Society
P.S. - The blinkies in Houston are beginning to be outfitted with a new type of
bolt that requires a special tool. This will be covered in the next issue.
