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Angstmonster 32
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+ _____ ____ ____ ______/ |_____ ____ ___ ______/ |___________ +
* \__ \/ \ / __ \/ ___\ __\ \ _ \/ \/ ___\ __/__ \_ __ \ *
+ / __ \_ | \ /_/ >\__ \| | Y Y \<_> ) | \__ \| |\ ___/| | \/ +
* (____ /_| /___ /____ >|__|__|_| /___/__| /___ >|__| \__ \|__| *
+ \/ \/____/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ +
* 07.28.03 angstmonster issue 32 *
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¡edited (poorly) by gir¡
SerChiller: girls are weird
SerChiller: if I just would know where the console port is
SerChiller: to kill -9 stupidd
§+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++¡contents¡++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++§
+ +
+ Brief words from gir +
+ All undirected messages will be sent to 'webmaster' rez +
+ Lost within one's Heart jynx / divine +
+ you left the door half closed john libertus +
+ continuation gir +
+ Deer Fence oregano +
+ love lost jynx +
+ +
§+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++¡contents¡++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++§
<oregano2k> the only happy monster is an angry monster
Homie G Dawg Guy: theres some kind of robot thing named after you
------------------------
: Brief Words from gir :
------------------------
On the road doesn't mean sitting at a gas station across from your old high
school in the town that you grew up in waiting for your gas tank to be full in
order to make a successful commute north. OR DOES IT? Will someone's
assertions as to what's what be made -WOW the gas is already pumped! Then
there was two hours of road in between here and there and suddenly, I'm in the
middle of what could be nowhere. The porch light has switched off and the
night's sky is lit by nothing but my laptop screen. It's quite a frightening
and exciting feeling listening to the sounds and recalling the way light
bounced off the highway signs as part of the song nature makes that can't be
created with even the most limitless supply of DSP power. It's the kind of
thing that avant garde musicians are guilty of writing about in their linear
notes, the big play on words made up of musical notes and the squeak of a bug
(at least I guess it's a bug) for all I know it is a backwoods creature that
most people have forgotten about, only lured out by the glow that peaks
everyone's curiosity...
And I'd like to think the far off music that I keep hearing coming closer is
the sound of company, so I don't have to be alone and afraid to stand against
the world I rarely let myself become immersed in. There's so much of nothing
out there, because there's nothing to be seen. Every time I think there is
something coming down the walkway, I turn the laptop on it's side like a
flashlight...
Nothing is there because I can't see anything. So I keep telling myself that
it'll all be alright provided the humidity decides to let up and oh those car
noises in the distance, I hope they are coming infinitely closer...
Half tempted to wave my hands above my head in hopes that the flood light comes
on again and I won't have to worry about the countless invisibles that are
creeping up around me...
But here comes something for real this time, rounding the gravel bends of the
private road. YAY FOR OTHER PEOPLE!!!
-------------------------------------------------------
: all undirected messages will be sent to 'webmaster' :
: (or, an open letter to the editor) :
: by rez :
-------------------------------------------------------
Gir,
I would like to write a piece for angstmonster.org about this subject:
How, if I were to create a long enough title for a piece, it would
invariably cause your formatting to go awry.
The idiom "Never judge a book by its cover" seems to include judging a
piece by its title. Yet, if proper care is taken, a book can and should
be judged by its cover. This should be true about all things with an
outside (read: people, animals, buildings, etc.).
When judging a thing, it is standard practice to judge it on how it
looks. This is not always the best or most efficient means of judging a
thing- but frankly, it is the most expedient. This is probably why it is
done so often. People are an extremely sensitive exception to this
rule. If I saw Death (you know, grim reaper? walking embodiment of hell
itself?) I would think it safe to assume that (s)he wanted some sort
of... well, death (from me). I would run. This is probably the correct
judgment in 99 cases out of 100.
Unfortunately, this is quite a dangerous road to take. How do I know
that Death has not arrived to aide me in my quest? Must a person always
assume that if something looks bad, it is?
The simple answer is no.
The complicated answer is so dangerous that people have died because of
it.
I hope that this suffices to address the issue of your standard title
formatting.
My best to the kids,
/rez.
ps: variate.net/element vive la design! vive la pornography! vive la
gaming! (IN. THAT. ORDER.)
---------------------------
: Lost within one's Heart :
: by jynx and divine :
---------------------------
Feels like a long road, Feels as if I have been walking for hours, yet still
no sign of existence.
In reality, this road is my life. The lines are the mistakes, and the no
sign of existence shows the emptiness that I am filled with. Lies, Betray,
Comfort, Love, and Truth are all the factors of pain leading me to this road
of unhappiness. Now all I have to wonder about is... Why did I take this
road, if I had gone left would things be different, would the choices have
lead me to something like happiness. Right before my eyes are images of you,
but if I reach for you, you somehow seem to walk the other direction. I call
for your name yet you seem to keep walking. You have stopped noticing me,
you have told me the truth. The love we shared is as empty as this road to
you. How could so much go wrong even without lies or betray.
You were my everything, you still are. But when I look into your eyes I can
tell, I mean nothing more to you. Have you forgotten everything we shared,
or was it just a long road that you walked for hours.
I remember the times you touched my shoulders, shivers run down my back just
remember it. I felt complete as if I were safe and happy at the same time.
Now when I wake, If I wake, things will be cold and dark. You are the one,
the one I pledged my love to. I never knew love till I met you and now I
don't know if I'll ever want to be in love again. Have you forgotten how
much we gave up for one another, have you forgotten how many people didn^Òt
agree with you and I becoming would we would refer to as "us".
Yet we stood hand in hand and so much came from a world we began to share
together. The day you told me you were going away, I remember my head just
spinning around. I wanted you to understand what I was going through, like
usual. But for once, words I could not speak. You had been there for me
whenever I needed you or even when I didn't. You looked after me long before
we were an item and now I couldn't even find the words to make you to
understand what I was going through. I knew that when you came back things
would be different. There was no time to discuss what I wanted anymore, I
remember you telling me that you loved me, you even gave me a song. And
then, you were gone. In my own time, I began to accept.
Until it was days before you were expected to be home, I felt every emotion
run through my body. Yet I stood back, kept my distance from feeling what I
normally felt for you "Love-" I knew things had changed, it had been 2 days
since you arrived home and still... No phone call. I had this feeling inside
that things were over. I saw your mum at the party and she barely spoke to
me. It wasn't like you not to come. I watched my mum laugh and smile. I
could tell she knew what was going on. Everyone did, and they were all so
happy. Everyone but me, I guess! Home was never a place that made me happy,
you weren't there. No longer was I wanted and I knew it. That afternoon, I
got your e-mail. I sat at my computer and cried tears. The were more than
just tears they were regrets, memories, emotions of all kinds. You had wiped
me empty, not even to my face. The one person I gave everything up for had
dumped me for someone else and you didn't even have to tell me about her. I
knew. Days later I got the truth from a friend. I just wanted to cry for
days. But you showed me strength many times before and why not, use it now I
thought.
Tears ran dry, and the sunshine was back. I never understood, and I never
will. But that day you went away, I lost your heart, your soul and
everything we had together. Now nearly 2 years later, I^Òm feeling the same
all over again. You have a girlfriend and we haven't spoken for months. But
memories make me smile and to see you again... Well things would change and
I wouldn't be stuck in this empty road of non-existence.
Yet I know, without you Im stronger. But whenever I turn around, all I feel
is you.
WHATS HAPPENING TO ME!!
---------------------------------
: you left the door half closed :
: by john libertus :
---------------------------------
You left the door half-closed behind you,
I keep it that way, still,
and sometimes look through it to find you,
and sometimes wonder if I will
at night, in bed,
my pillow beneath my head,
my fingers touch the pillow across the spread
and I mistake the true,
and, half-asleep, drifting off,
make love to a dream of you
it hurts, the way we play this game,
the way we make it be,
yet, love, I miss you, all the same -
when are you coming back for me?
----------------
: continuation :
: by gir :
----------------
On the way home last night the atmosphere kept coming undone, rolling around
in swirls of a giggling child who's managed to escape late night tyranny to
see that which one can't see unless they stay up passed their bedtime. When
the swirling gets too distracting I pull off the side of the road, ready to
investigate, bent on not returning home until I figure out what the middle of
that swirl feels like.
Cautiously I reach out my hand to touch it, there is a feeling of cold
devouring my hand and the dancing force lures me through some sort of layer of
consciousness.
Suddenly I'm at a keyboard. I've written this before I tell myself. But it
wasn't me. I read it with someone else's name attached to it, but where?
Who's been through enough to confess that they too are stuck in an imaginary
feedback loop?
"It's not a feedback loop. You sir are a time traveler."
"I thought everyone was a time traveler."
"They are."
And then I am spat back out of the swirl, lying on the shoulder of the highway
next to my car. I feel hungover. It's still dark out and I don't have my
watch on me. I get up and plan to go back home, the original intention of this
night. But as i ease myself back onto the road, I notice men marching along
the opposite side. There are flashes of explosive light in the distance,
echoing sounds trail the light, following the army of men heading towards me.
"I know I'm not a time traveler."
"Then what are you?"
"A dreamer."
"What makes one different from the other?"
"Control."
Our conversation ends before the military men can reach me, I'm back home lying
on my sofa bed. It's time to get up and get ready for work. Time to take a
drive the same road I dreamt about and hope that the army isn't still waiting
for me.
--------------
: Deer Fence :
: by oregano :
--------------
When I look back at my life and try to find the moment when I realised it would
not happen, this is the story that comes up.
This was in 6th grade and the 6th grade class went on an overnight field trip
to some nature place way out far away, across the state. It was the morning
when were going to go back home and all the class was taken to a giant pen
where there were a few deer. We stood there as a group and tried to get a deer
to come to us. People were earnest in wanting to get a deer to come to the
fence, they shouted, "Come here, deer" they whistled, they made sounds they
thought the deer would like. The deer stayed aloof and far away.
I walked off a little ways down the fence, all alone, and I knew how to get the
deer to come to me. I no longer remember what I knew, I just knew. And so I
stood quietly and by myself and did whatever it was I knew how to do then and
the deer slowly took notice and came towards me. And if that were the end of
the story then life would be hunky dorry. But the other kids in the group saw
the deer walking towards me and they ran over as a wild mob, not even seeing me
and ran towards the deer and scared the deer off.
And it is that moment, as I look back, that I knew nothing would come of
things.
-------------
: lost love :
: by jynx :
-------------
I have recently become absoulutely infatuated with someone I've never met. I'm
sure it's happened to most net users at one stage or another... you meet in a
chat room exchange details and email addresses... you end up talking to this
person more than your real partner... sharing your inner most, personal secrets
to a stranger sometimes up to half a world away. After months of bantering,
funny emails and sweet words you realise that not only do you 'love' (though
I'm hesitant to use that word) them but the feelings are more than returned.
Needless to say over the months this person comes to know you inside and out
and even tho they can't see you and you can't see them they know your moods and
your emotions. You find yourself waking in the morning and before going in the
shower or even eating you jump on the net to see if they are on messenger or
have sent you a email and your girl is messaging you on your mobile begging to
know what's wrong with you, she can never get through because you're always on
the net. You don't care this anonymous girl rules your waking existence what is
reality when you have compatibility and destiny at your fingertips. And while
all this is going on you're too afraid to ask her out for fear of a laugh in
your face because of the pointlessness of net relationships and you're too
afraid to do the right thing by your real girlfriend and tell her the truth.
Soon your heart beams with happiness and aches with guilt. You smile and laugh
whenever you speak to her, she's an angel in your eyes and without her your
days would become a bleak pointless and repetitive exercise. Your current real
girlfriend notices the changes and dumps you. You're hurt but it doesn't seem
real because you have so immeresed yourself in the other person that they
comfort you even though you barely noticed and they really do care.
Suddenly to your absolute dismay her ex boyfriend reclaims her heart
despite your efforts to make her learn form her mistakes. You are crushed your
heart bleeds life is again a grey cloud with the light of your life gone. You
plague yourself with insults "Who were you kidding she's perfect why would
she want a dead shit like yourself? You're not even real to her, you can't be
the shoulder she cries on, you were nuthing to her!" Suddenly reality comes
back to you with full force you are incredibly tired and lonely you haven't
seen your friends in weeks, you're alone in the world.
Those feelings I felt were real weren't they?
SerChiller: news sucks
SerChiller: i'm just freaking out on how they this story about the missing girl
and the ex marine
SerChiller: what a joke
SerChiller: this 12 year old girl met this guy online
SerChiller: and went to paris with him
SerChiller: an ex marine
SerChiller: after he found out she was 12 he sent her home
SerChiller: well
SerChiller: the media makes him a evil person now
SerChiller: i mean, cmon
SerChiller: it happens to me all the time that girls on friendster say they are
18 and then they are fucking 15
SerChiller: he did the right thing to send her back home after they met
SerChiller: but still he is a bad guy
SerChiller: cause he went on the internet to meet this girl
SerChiller: bad bad internet
æææææææææææææææææææ
æ Æfterthought(s) æ
æææææææææææææææææaæ
Be appeased, if you please, by our late release. While often a rare thing to
happen (unless there's something else to be done) angstmonster never went
without an every other week release in year one! (That's right, for yous guys
not in the know: ANGSTMONSTER IS OVER ONE YEAR OLD NOW!)
Expect things to only get stranger in year TWO! Plots will thicken, heads will
roll, wars will be won, and it will all take place on the road to truth,
justice, and the textfile way.
Here's to tradition and breaking the rules of convention at the same time!
_____
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FRIENDS:
http://www.bubblemonkey.org/cheesencrackers/ !CHEESENCRACKERS!
http://www.addendumtextfiles.org/ ¿ADDENDUM¿
http://www.neo-comintern.com *THE NEO-COMINTERN*
http://www.angstmonster.org/txt/kob |Kids on Bridges|
http://www.textscene.com CURRENT TEXTFILE SCENE
OTHER THINGS WE DO:
http://www.angstmonster.org/txt/turd THE UNDEAD RISE, DAMMIT!
http://www.angstmonster.org/txt/il +iMPULSE LAMEALITY+
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What you have just read was a step into the unknown spontaneous and poorly
edited thoughts for sharing collectively known as "angstmonster." All thoughts
on the matter can be sent to <gir@angstmonster.org> or you can just visit the
site http://www.angstmonster.org and see what you think. Submissions of all
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If you you are looking to SUBSCRIBE to angstmonster, send an email to
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Thanks and enjoy your day...
copy-spwep 2003 issue 32
angstmonster.org 07.28.03
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