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Angstmonster 26
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+ _____ ____ ____ ______/ |_____ ____ ___ ______/ |___________ +
* \__ \/ \ / __ \/ ___\ __\ \ _ \/ \/ ___\ __/__ \_ __ \ *
+ / __ \_ | \ /_/ >\__ \| | Y Y \<_> ) | \__ \| |\ ___/| | \/ +
* (____ /_| /___ /____ >|__|__|_| /___/__| /___ >|__| \__ \|__| *
+ \/ \/____/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ +
* 05.05.03 angstmonster issue 26 *
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¡edited (poorly) by gir
<st0vbold> I just tried on my sisters thong..
it's not as uncomfortable as I thought
§+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++¡contents¡++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++§
+ +
+ Brief words from gir +
+ SUB[m]ISSON brandon +
+ eyes on the heavens and hands in my pockets tex +
+ Danish for IRC'ers st0vb0ld +
+ giraffes estell +
+ The Truth About Chuck'e'Cheese oregano +
+ Total Request Angst gir +
+ (un)Wanted +
+ +
§+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++¡contents¡++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++§
fanking: i just spilt a bucket full of bong water
fanking: all over my carpet
fanking: like half a bucket
fanking: do u understand my angst
fanking logged out.
<andyc> hmm i miss ezines
<lb> too bad
<lb> we tore it down and built a starbucks
<lb> take that, subspace!
<andyc> i like starbucks
<andyc> nice mugs
TynByrdBlue: we have birthday cake
TynByrdBlue: and pizza
TynByrdBlue: it's like a little kids party
TynByrdBlue: with beer
<mkm> anyone play chess?
<ash_311> never played via irc!
<ash_311> absolutely newbie
i am not gir: do you like the white stripes?
AncientWarMoose: nko
i am not gir: how do you fuck up the word no
AncientWarMoose: like this:
AncientWarMoose: nko
---------------
: Brief Words :
: from gir :
---------------
Time is strangely slow. I'm sitting here waiting for time to pass by me like
some sort of dysfunctional rocke tship and hopefully not crash on top of my
computer but instead it's doing some graceful and by the book landing. It
reminds me of the first and only time I road aboard a rocke tship. I was still
very young and had never flown on a plane before so it was quite a nervous but
exciting moment for me. Here I was, not even out of elementary school and I
was riding on a rocket ship. Had it not been for the monster, we probably
would've gotten off the ground and made it into space.
If a monster ruined your chance to go to space in a rocket ship you'd be one
angry little kid and that's exactly what I was. Monsters have a habit of
causing all sorts of mischief on rocket ships because rocketships are a tasty
treat to monsters. Always make sure that monsters eat really big meals before
they go on rocket ship rides so your rocket ship will actually get to go to
space.
In order to protect me from other monsters, the papers reported the monsters
death as his own fault. "He was overly excited," the Associate Press was told
in a news briefing, "and became claustrophobic in the rocket ship. To relieve
himself of this alarmed state, the monster banged his head against one of the
glass windows of the rocket until he finally enough wounds from the breaking
shards of glass to be fatal." That's right, as a mere elementary schooler I
managed to stab a monster to death with glass from a broken rocket ship window.
The monster community didn't buy the AP's story one bit. They wanted to launch
an ongoing investigation to find out what really happened that day. However
my people knew this would mean a war would break out among us and the monsters.
With recent development in monster weaponry, humans everywhere knew that such a
war would not be good for our still developing society.
Of course, these events were all quickly overlooked when a monster had been
found eating some of my school friends who were playing spaceman. The monster
was set to be executed without a trial in a matter of weeks. (This was back
when monsters didn't have the same rights as humans in the federal courts.) So
that monster became the man of the moment and my failed rocket ship trip was
quickly forgotten about...
BUT I STILL REMEMBER IT! I STILL FEEL THE PAIN OF NOT GETTING TO RIDE INTO
SPACE AS PART OF A SPECIAL PROGRAM TO BRIDGE THE GAP BETWEEN HUMANS AND
MONSTERS! I'M SO SORRY FOR WHAT I DID AND I DID NOT REALIZE UNTIL YEARS LATER
THE IMPLICATIONS OF WHAT I'D DONE! I HOPE THAT MONSTERS AND MONSTER
SYMPATHIZERS ALIKE CAN FIND FORGIVENESS FOR ME IN THEIR HEARTS. OTHERWISE, I
DON'T THINK I'LL BE ABLE TO GO ON...
---------------
: SUB[m]ISSON :
: by brandon :
---------------
one-thousand, one-hundred and fifteen miles.
approximately sixty-six thousand, nine hundred minutes.
or, four million, fourteen thousand seconds.
alternately, about nineteen hours.
down, emotions flow like april showers,
no need for heat when you pack super powers,
even if within, your soul's so shook that it cowers.
mental segregation, can't unite the nation,
climbing up obstacles like conquering the appalachian.
testing boundaries and rising up like inflation, my appreciation:
lays in the frays of eternal degradation, mind, body & soul.
i turn pop and sing about being whole,
the hurt can't take it's toll, when out my emotions roll..
insert here, like a glory hole, so big you get swallowed whole.
pain dulled with champagne, as i try to retain and ascertain..
obtain an ad campaign to rain down stealthy, so as not to be picked up by
the weather vane.
and down i came, putting heretic poetics to shame.
take aim at my claim to fame, shoot it down to avoid the post game..
recap. as i spread my wings and flap,
i eyeball the gap.
everlasting.
eternal.
love.
---------------------------
: eyes on the heavens :
: and hands in my pockets :
: by tex :
---------------------------
One night not too long after Christmas I wandered into the Auburn, ME Wal-Mart
to blow a gift card I had. I ended up getting Radiohead's "Kid A". My
stepmother was still shopping halfway across town, so I sat on a bench outside
for a while and watched the twilight. Dozens of cars pulled in, slowed down,
sped up, drove off, kicking up little puddles of brown-black slush as they
passed. All the stars were out that night. I started to get that feeling
essential to Maine: you're in the middle of civilization, but you could walk
half a mile in most directions and be in the thick of the woods. As I looked
around a guy, no more than 23 or 24, sat on the bench next to mine and waited
silently for a while. After a few minutes had passed, he turned to me and told
me, "I got a taxi coming. You need a ride to anywhere?" I considered briefly.
It was an invitation. He seemed sane enough, but that's always half the fun.
Who knows? Maybe he was bored, maybe he was friendly, or maybe he was some kind
of straight and lonely that I didn't understand. My ride would be coming soon,
though. "Nah, thanks..."
Even as I said it I regretted it.
----------------------
: Danish for IRC'ers :
: by st0vb0ld :
----------------------
Since I started writing for Angstmonster, there seems to be an interest in
learning the Danish language, and tonight the almighty gir asked for a file on
this subject, so here goes:
* Joins: DK1 (dk1@dk.dk)
* Joins: DK2 (dk2@dk.dk)
* Joins: US (us@translator.com)
<DK1> hej
<US> hello
<DK1> hvordan går det?
<US> how are you doing?
<DK2> det går fint. og dig?
<US> fine. and you?
<DK1> det går også godt
<US> I'm fine too
<DK1> hvad laver du?
<US> what are you doing?
<DK2> ingenting.. hvad laver du?
<US> nothing.. what are you doing?
<DK1> det samme
<US> the same
<DK2> ok, det lyder kedeligt
<US> ok, that sounds boring
<DK1> nej, det er faktisk helt vildt fedt
<US> no, it's actually way cool
<DK2> øh, hvordan det?
<US> err, how's that?
<DK1> jamen, så kan jeg jo sidde og skrive denne tekst til angstmonster
<US> well, then I can sit here writing this text for angstmonster
<DK2> ja ok, det er jo fedt nok!
<US> yeah ok, that's cool!
<DK1> nemlig
<US> right
<DK2> tror du, at du når at blive færdig inden deadline?
<US> do you think, you're gonna finish it before deadline?
<DK1> det ved jeg ikke.. jeg ved ikke engang, om det er værd at printe
<US> I don't know.. I don't even know, if it's worth printing
<DK1> nå, men skal vi finde på noget mere at skrive?
<US> oh well, should we whip up something more to write?
<DK2> ja, lad os gøre det.
<US> yes, let's do that.
<DK2> nogen forslag?
<US> any suggestions?
<DK1> ikke rigtigt.. hvordan er vejret?
<US> not really.. how's the weather?
<DK2> vejret er fint! solen skinner og fuglene synger, så det kunne ikke være
bedre!
<US> the weather is great! the sun is shining and the birds are singing, so it
couldn't be any better!
<DK1> sejt! jeg har spist 14 fugle i dag
<US> cool! I have eaten 14 birds today
<DK2> ok, smagte de godt?
<US> ok, did it taste good?
<DK1> ikke specielt.. den ene begyndte at bygge rede nede i halsen på mig
<US> not really.. one of them started building a nest in my throat
<DK2> det må gøre ondt!
<US> that must hurt!
<DK1> nej, det er ikke så slemt.. det værste er, at jeg tror, jeg er sindssyg,
fordi jeg sidder og skriver med mig selv hele tiden..
<US> no, it's not so bad.. the worst part is, that I think I'm insane, because
I'm sitting here writing with myself all the time..
<DK2> du skal da være heldig, at der er en, der overhovedet gider snakke med
dig!
<US> consider yourself lucky that there's one, who actually wants to talk to
you!
* DK1 sets mode: +b *!dk2@dk.dk
* DK2 was kicked by DK1 (spasser!)
* Parts US (us@translator.com)
<DK1> ahh, endelig fred! :)
Yeah, I know this was lame but hey.. drop by and I'll tutor you myself :D But
for now I'm out.. Going to write something hopefully more interesting for the
next issue. Tootles!
-------------
: giraffes :
: by estell :
-------------
Giraffes have horns for fighting
Actually, it doesn't seem that way. If you have ever looked at a giraffe, you
would know that the fighting knobblies are awfully cute.
Giraffes have black tongues, did you know that? I knew that, because I have
seen them. They are at the Richmond zoo, and are very affectionate and much
like petting zoo goats.
Giraffes live in holes underground with hobbits. Their tongues are black
because they have been deprived of light.
But wait, that makes no sense, because black people live in the sun.
But giraffe tongues lighten in the sun, because the sunrays contain bleach that
only reacts with giraffe tongues.
Is that so? But, if you have seen the giraffes at the Richmond zoo, you would
know that their tongues are in the sun all of the time, because they are
constantly licking out for petting zoo pellets.
The black tongue was an adaptation of the ancient giraffe. And just like if you
put a black person underground they would not instantly turn white. So it will
take thousands of generations before the above ground giraffe has a white
tongue.
Sleep took the arguing half of my paper. Good-night
-------------------
: The Truth About :
: Chuck'e'Cheese :
: by oregano :
-------------------
Prologue: I will tell you the truth right off the bat. "It's fun." That is
the punchline to all this file. If you read the title and wanted the ending
and that is all you are looking for you can stop reading, I told you the
ending, I am going to have a huge buildup and then say "Chuck E. Cheese is fun"
like it's some big secret. Non-serious readers can go and read other things in
this Angsty Monster.
Those of oyu still reading might say, "WWWWAH! Boo Hoo!, you ruined it."
Well 63% of oregano readers read files more than once, so my ruining it the
first time you read this file will not hurt later readings, you go into this
reading like a seasoned pro even the first time. You can even read the file
out loud to your mom, or girlfriend, or what-have-you, and predict the ending,
because I just told you the ending. The person you read out loud to might say,
"Oh, of course you can predict the ending, you have read this file before."
Tell them, "Nuh uh, I only looked at the introduction which has nothing to
do with nothing, so shut your trap hole and listen as I read." You will not be
lying, it will be your first time reading the file. But also you will know the
ending; I clued you in.
On to the file.
The Terrible Secret of Chuckie Cheese is Revealed
-------------------------------------------------
Chuckie Cheese harbors a dark secret, a secret that only comes to light now,
after it has taken hold of the heart and minds of youngsters all across
America. I will tell you now, in this file just what it is that kids love so
much about Chuk EE Cheez and why their parents take them to it again and again.
Read this file, if you dare, if you are not scared witless just at the thought
of finding out the Chuch E Cheese secret. Here goes, cover your eyes, the
truth about is going to be revealed. I hope the suspense is not going to kill
you. This is going to be a huge surprise. Might want to stop reading right
now and try to guess. But if you did so it would be impossible, this secret to
CC is too hard to guess. What? Are you too wimpy to guess? I thought so.
Here is the secret about Chuk e Cheese: Its fun!
Epilogue: You might have thought "oregano is going to pull a fast one on me",
that I was going to say something other than "It's Fun" But I knew you would
think I would think to do something like that. Instead I did as I said. But I
could tell you were getting nervous. You might have read the first sentence
out loud and boldly proclaimed that you knew the secret, then, after you were
committed, you were not sure if you could trust the prologue, my being a tricky
trick-the-reader kind of guy. You found yourself committing to trusting my
prologue and then suddenly thinking, "Is that prologue trustable? Will the
person I am reading to think I am a dolt if I get it wrong?" But I outfoxed you
and gave you the real deal. Sneaky. Now you know that I did not trick you;
and you know the terrible secret of Chuck E Cheese. It has been a busy day for
you. Sleep well.
The End
-----------------
: Total Request :
: ANGST :
: by gir :
-----------------
Is it really that strange for the editor of a publication to not actually write
anything for it? Aren't the editorial duties enough? According to the inner
circle at angstmonster, NO! So as the humble and ever present super duper cool
editor, I've come to please all of you who wanted me to write something. You
don't have to like it, just read it.
"I'm not going to lie to anyone at the table, I've been very frustrated lately
and it's been showing. Not only has my attitude been off, by my work as well
has suffered immensely. I don't want to go into too many details about what
happened, I will however explain how it got better."
I paused for theatrics. Whenever I know the story I'm about to tell isn't what
it could be, I sneak some pauses in there to make the anticipation more
important then what everyone is anticipating.
"Last night I found myself having to go to the bathroom the worst I'd ever had
to go in awhile. The thing was, I was very excited by this. It wasn't a 'I
have to find a bathroom now or I'm going to poop my pants' kind of urgency, it
was a very restless kind of explosion that took place once I sat down. And to
tell you the truth, I have no intentions of looking back."
"When I dropped that dooker, I wasn't just getting rid of the watery wastes of
my bowels, I was letting go of a monster who smelled really bad and carried a
bad attitude with him wherever he went. A bad attitude comprised mainly, of
all the things people say that irk us. It may seem fickle, but you know as
well as I that when things build up inside, you eventually have to get rid of
them. Some of us are fortunate to have outlets for that build up, but what
happens when that doesn't work?"
I paused again. I let them look around and wonder "What happens when your
primary outlet fails you?"
"It's simple, you look for an alternate route. Last night I discovered my
alternate route was taking a shit."
They all gasped.
"What did you take your shit out of the toilet and paint a picture with it?"
"Are you kidding!? That'd be really gross. It was the feeling that did it for
me. And you all know the feeling. It spells relief in big bold colorful
letters. When your body let's go of something, it gets all tingly and excited
and makes you feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside."
"Oh I get it."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. You're saying we've had it wrong all along..."
"EXACTLY! We're in the wrong market for expelling angst. This writing thing
is so tired and dated. The future is in excrement and it's never smelt
better!"
We all had a hardy laugh at my predictable pun. To celebrate our new plan for
world domination we had Taco Bell. After all, it was one of their fierce
burritos that allowed me to see what we had been overlooking all along.
--------------
: (un)Wanted :
--------------
BRAND NEW FOR ONE TIME ONLY! ANGSTMONSTER PRESENTS SOME UNWANTED ADS!
Wanted:
We at angstmonster are looking for a new person to fill the slot recently
vacated by ch33z-1t. In essence you will become him. This person needs to be
practically identical in every way, to ch33z-1t. What we are looking for: poor
cleanliness, friend with long half dreaded hair, who works at tower. Fly-ass
girlfriend. Must be a little off his rocker. Looking for someone who can run
out of ideas easily and then pretend to quit angstmonster, only to piss people
off. That is another thing, must be VERY good at pissing people off. Must
have started some sort of awards ceremony for 2002, and has to have a love for
South Park and frogs. If you fit this description, or know someone who does.
Please let us here at angstmonster know.
JUNE 30TH IS ALMOST HERE! THAT'S RIGHT! IN LESS THAN TWO MONTHS, THE COOLEST
ISSUE OF ANGSTMONSTER EVER WILL BE RELEASED FOR PUBLIC VIEWING AND WE'RE
LOOKING FOR SUBMISSIONS. IF YOU OR ANYONE YOU KNOW HAS ANY INSIGHT INTO THE
WORLD OF HAMSTERS OR LASERS OR HOW HAMSTERS AND LASERS INTERACT, DON'T HESITATE
TO EMAIL GIR@ANGSTMONSTER.ORG WITH YOUR SUBMISSION. TELL ALL YOUR FRIENDS!
After a very successful stickering, angstmonster wants a tshirt. If you've
talked to gir lately, you'll notice in recent his obsession is a picture of
a cat stuck between the two buns of a hamburger which can be found at the
following URL: http://angstmonster.org/txt/media/kitty_burger.jpg Anyways, we
need a slogan to accompany the shirt. If we choose your slogan, you'll get a
free tshirt! (but if not, the shirts will hopefully be cheap!) email your
slogan ideas to gir. in a later issue, they'll be printed up for all the
readers to decide on...
Available:
Thanks to our sources at the local morgue, we've scored some Ch33z-1t autopsy
pictures. Very high resolution too! Naturally we'd go ahead and try to print
them with AM, but seeing as this is an ASCII only zine, that'd be quite silly.
Interested? email gir@angstmonster.org for more details.
ANGSTMONSTER LOGO STICKERS ARE AVAILABLE! IF YOU CAN PROVE YOURSELF AS A
DEDICATED FAN, THESE STICKERS CAN BE YOURS! Again, bug gir for info on how to
get the sticker that everyone in YOUR town will want to have but can't because
they have never even heard of angstmonster!
Correspondance:
Lonely zombie and tfile writer imprisoned in an undisclosed location where they
only tfile writers and zombies are detained. I'm recently divorced and have
a son that my ex is keeping me from so you can imagine I'm not in the best of
moods. Looking for someone to cheer me up and send me brains disguised as
birthday cakes. Ask gir how to get in touch -Ascii Bat.
Angstmonster's just not complete if oregano doesn't recite to us one of his
immortal epics from his collection of verse entitled "Some of My Best Friends
Tried Using Me as a Marijuana Substitute..." Look for it at a bookstore near
you!
<oregano2k> What's Become of St0vbold (a poem)
<oregano2k> What's become of St0vbold?
<oregano2k> Has he flow off with the wind?
<oregano2k> What's become of St0vbold?
<oregano2k> did he meet a fiery end?
<oregano2k> We use to laugh with the Stove
<oregano2k> and cry, then laugh, then weep
<oregano2k> But Stove has left us yet again
<oregano2k> perhaps this time for keeps.
<oregano2k> Let us learn a simple lesson
<oregano2k> one that Stove makes plain
<oregano2k> To let a friend into your life
<oregano2k> will only end in pain
<oregano2k> The End
<oregano2k> RIP Stove, you shall be missed
<oregano2k> (for a couple weeks [then forgotten])
æææææææææææææææææææ
æ Æfterthought(s) æ
æææææææææææææææææaæ
It is out of fear that I sleep with a glass shard from the rocket ship window
under my pillow. It's certainly not the smartest thing to do, especially since
I like to flail around a lot when I'm sleeping. I've got a couple of nasty
scars I'd rather not talk about as a result. But at least I feel safer this
way. Once one of those monsters tries to surprise me by popping out from under
my bed, I'm already leaping onto him and bashing his fucking face into the side
of my bed.
So if you're a monster trying to fuck me up, you should probably rethink your
methods. Come on, be creative, I'm sure there some sort of attack I haven't
already planned retaliation for yet...
_____
/ |\ |\ /\ |\ |
\ | | |/ |/ < > |/ | *
/ |_| | | \/ |\ | *
FRIENDS:
http://www.bubblemonkey.org/cheesencrackers/ !CHEESENCRACKERS!
http://www.neo-comintern.com *THE NEO-COMINTERN*
http://www.textscene.com CURRENT TEXTFILE SCENE
OTHER THINGS WE DO:
http://www.angstmonster.org/txt/turd THE UNDEAD RISE, DAMMIT!
http://www.angstmonster.org/txt/il +iMPULSE LAMEALITY+
?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?
What you have just read was a step into the unknown spontaneous and poorly
edited thoughts for sharing collectively known as "Angstmonster." All thoughts
on the matter can be sent to <gir@angstmonster.org> or you can just visit the
site http://www.angstmonster.org and see what you think. Submissions of all
sorts are welcome! Everything from prose and poetry to rants and opinions,
creative text art, recipes for yummy food, reviews of stuff, etc.
Thanks and enjoy your day...
copy-spwep 2003 issue 26
angstmonster.org 05.05.03
Feel free to redistribute this document, although no fee can be charged and the
content must not be altered or modified in any way. Unauthorized use of any
part of this document is prohibited. All rights reserved. (and stuff)
