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Angstmonster 06
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* 8.20.02 angstmonster issue 6 *
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¡edited (poorly) by gir¡
Will The World Stay Standing Still Just For Me?
¡contents¡
This Doesn't Follow Procedures
An Inadvertant Submission from Kool Peith
Will Rant For A Date
Cost Of Appearing In A Zine: Priceless
################
# This Doesn't #
# Follow #
# Procedures #
################
It's five am and I've just gotten back from an old friends house. I'm left
wondering how I should feel because this is going to sound like some shitty
online journal entry but there's something about that anyways. Part of the
intense need embedded in us to create is about sharing. (It'd be nice to think
I've established my thoughts on that thus far.) So when at five am I don't
feel like there is anyone I can email (and for some reason I really get off on
emailing people, talking to people online in general. Being able to mold and
craft all the crazy thoughts in my head into words on a screen that are then
sent across whatever routers and what not to the other end. If I keep doing
this whole zine thing for any one reason other than because self expression is
really hecka cool and apathy sucks, it's cause I want the response that I go
off about so much in the last issue (which as of this moment isn't done, but I
felt that starting on a new issue at the same time would give me something to
have should I get all burned out but so long as I am listening to VNV Nation
almost nonstop, I shouldn't have anything to worry about.)
While we're on the subject as I was driving home I remembered how fucking great
the VNV Nation show this passed spring was. I've been so overwhelmed at a
public event as I was there. Anyone looking over the crowd could tell it
wasn't just me. So many people describe Ronan Harris as someone with insane
stage presence and it's all true. The way he gives thanks to his fans song
after song is so amazing and it's something that all of us in the creatin'
business should do more often. Having people cheer you on is what makes stuff
like this so much fun. But it's not just the live show that makes VNV Nation
so amazing, it's the feeling I get when I'm driving and it's some odd hour when
most people don't consider driving and the course is a familiar and short
distance home but I'm still lost in the lyrics of all my favorite songs that
echo scenery of a final fantasy feeling of being on a hill or cliff that
overlooks the future and there it is, before you... A future stretched out over
all the towns and cities you have yet to visit, every person that will become
the center of your life for a flash of moment and you pray for the moment
because the last couple of days you've been told that it's just the moment and
the future, them's are the only things that matter. Being caught up in
anything else isn't how it's supposed to be. There's a futureperfect out there
for all of us (to borrow the phrase from the most recent VNV album) and if we
do anything less but strive after that thing that'll make the future perfect
for us, is it nothing but a battle in vain?
Well it's simple enough to push the propaganda along, that doing stuff is cool
but what's that getting done? It's enough to create. (Well not really, but as
a first step it's a much better one than destroying a lot of stuff.) And right
as I prepare to launch into an assault against war, I find myself standing up
to walk off my sleepy foot and empty my pockets. But it's scribbling down
things like that mid rant that make things more interesting to me. I've always
enjoyed narrating bits of nothing, moments that don't build up to anything but
the process of a thought in firing neurons inside of me. (And when this really
does sound like an email to a close friend, I'm putting it up for display on
stage for the rest of the world to boo me off and call for a gong.) Regardless
I don't think I'll be booed off just yet. And even if I was, there's always
the stage I've built myself for the occasion. But I digress (into the more
meaty email sounding things.)
What I'm really wondering is if more people feel like this sometimes. Finding
ourselves awake and waiting for the invisible unknown to reach into itself and
contact us with all the secrets of that last bit of the world we're unfamiliar
with. It'd be really cool if it happened but chances are that it probably
won't, at least not tonight. The natural progression and proposal would be to
change that. In sparse instances begin to make contact with the outside world
we're all really glad to be connected to. It's just another call for doing
something more than sitting around and complaining about the lack of whatever
is missing in life for you at THIS VERY MOMENT!!!! ::makes dramatic noises::
Go on, it's ok for you to make dramatic noise too. In fact, more people need
to start doing just that.
##################
# An Inadvertent #
# Submission #
# From #
# Kool Peith #
##################
The following was an email I received from Kool Peith, one of the kids that
lived next door to me in the freshmen dorms. I'm not sure if he intended for
his email to be published in my shitty e-rag, but here it is anyways...
"Hey, I've been reading your magazine too. I think they should give you
an A+ and a hand job. Want to know something funny? I have a bike frame
from the US Secret Service, White House Patrol. Its got the presidential
seal and everything. Too bad those pig cops can't ride they're Gucci-ass
bikes for shit (the bike itself retails for well over a thousand dollars,
with their lighting systems, racks, gear and shit...well....they should
give ME a bike that expensive). So now I stripped one of their bikes and
I'm keeping the frame for decoration, a true trophy of accomplishment.
Why do we keep trophies? Does having something to show for an action
mean we did that action any better? Am I being cock headed by using this
to get attention? Life would be so much more simpler if I were a
Chimpanzee, or maybe an Elephant. I also would have been shot dead by
this time, and would never learn the wonders of boobies on girlies, high
speed internet that is always capped, and the true love I feel when I'm
with my best friends. Thanks for being so cool, S...I mean gir."
Greets and thanks to Kool Peith for his interesting thoughts.
#############
# Will Rant #
# For A #
# Date #
#############
So the other night while I was working, it was a fairly slow period and all of
Blockbuster was empty accept for myself and two coworkers and these three people
looking for a movie. When they came in the door, one of em looked really
familiar and when I began putting back movies near where they were looking for
movies, it so happens it was this chick I had a horrible crush on in high
school. And even though I don't have anything in common with this girl and she
is way out of my "league," I still have a crush on her. Reminded of high school
and all the bullshit that went along with it, I started thinking over why I had
this crush.
The girl is obviously attractive and it's not one of those particulars of taste,
most everyone I know thinks she's quite attractive. A couple of years ago, she
was the new girl in my chemistry class and you know how the new girl syndrome
goes... Anyways, I started thinking about how much I really don't know about
her. I've helped her with Chemistry before, but that's it. This got me
thinking about girls in general and the fascination of dating them. (or dating
in general for that matter)
A friend of mine talked about how he'd see girls and spend time just making up
lives for them, completely separate from their real lives, just something to add
to the fantasy of a geek. I fall guilty of that a lot too. I see a girl and
immediately begin to wonder, spend all those excess boredom points on figuring
out what she's all about. With certain girls no matter how hard the cranks
turn in my mind there's a certain mystery about how they think and what they
think about. This crush of mine is one of those girls. While at work tonight
I was thinking about this girl and what she spends all of her time thinking,
about wanting to revive this crush and pursue her in attempts to find out what
she thinks about. At first it seems simple enough, just manage to go out with
her some place one night and casually ask her what she thinks about. Like the
scene out of a movie...
"So I was wondering... I had this question for you."
"Sure, what is it?"
"What do you think about? I mean, it sounds dumb, but you know everyone thinks
about something. What do you spend your time thinking about?"
Then I start thinking some more... it's not just her, not just someone I have a
crush on, but a whole lot of people. In fact, I wonder what everyone thinks
about. Like the people who no matter how much you apologize with are still
upset. It's not like these people deserve apologies because they act like
such asses but all the same, that has nothing to do with the thought process,
the ideas behind the stern annoyance.
Or those among us who are always apologetic for having to apologize to them, or
those who are just trying to figure things out, artists and creators, what is it
that our fucking president was thinking? (This is perhaps the most common type
of person I think about other than girls... political leaders. In government it
was made clear that the politician's only motivation for action is to be
reelected, but why? It's just like working to pay for gas money to transport
yourself to and from work, things aren't that circular... So why is it that
Bush wants to start a new war? What's the need for a hidden motivation? What
the fuck is going on? If power is all someone wants, why don't they use it
rather than hording it? Just like money... Who the fuck needs 40 billion some
dollars? Well there are lots of third world country folk who NEED it and yet
the western world's business men get all greedy and take more.)
Those people have nothing to do with what I think about this girl sometimes.
Because she may never think about these things, she may never think about me or
anyone else but herself. (But I'm not saying it's her fault or that she's
guilty of such a thing. I'm just curious about what it is she does think about.
Or what anyone thinks about for that matter. Even though we may know our closet
friends, our lovers, members of our own family, like the back of our hands,
there is still room to wonder about their thought process and even if we can
finish their sentences, could we finish their thoughts? It's easy for us to
fill in the blanks with our own whims, but is that what they're thinking?) I'm
not really sure myself, because that's the question I'm asking...
But back to the girl for one last time. What if I'll never muster up the
courage to talk to her? Continuing the "what if" process of how she (and
countless others I know and have yet to meet) think. The little imaginations of
what they're thinking is enough for me. Escapism just happens to be that
fucking cool of an answer for the moment.
##############
# Cost of #
# Appearing #
# In A Zine: #
# Priceless #
##############
/\ ¡ /\ <---SLEEEEEPY! "What news?" /\ ¡ /\ <---still sleepy
\ - - / \ o - /
\ . / /\ "Did you hear the news?" \ . / /\ "I was in a zine!"
/|Ö|\ (**) /|Ö|\ (**)
( | | ) /[]- ( | | ) /[]-
_/-\_ _/\_ \ _/-\_ _/\_
arm broken from exploding bomb!
/\ ¡ /\ "Yeah. I Heard. It Sucked." /\ ¡ /\ "What friends?"
\ - - / \ - o /
\ . / /\ "Oh. But all my friends \ . / /\ "You know,
/|Ö|\ (**) said it was cool." /|Ö|\ (**) my friends...
( | | ) /[]- ( | | ) /[]-
_/-\_ _/\_ _/-\_ _/\_
/\ ¡ /\ "But you don't have any friends..." /\ ¡ /\ /\ ¡ /\
\ - - / \ - - / \ o o /
\ . / /\ "So? I was in a zine!" \ . / /\ \ . / /\
/|Ö|\ (**) /|Ö|\ (**) /|Ö|\ (**)
( | | ) /[]- ( | | ) /[] ( | | ) /[]
_/-\_ _/\_ _/-\_ _/\_ _ _/-\_ _/\_ _
/\ ¡ /\ "Uh, your arm just fell off..." /\ ¡ /\ "Doesn't it hurt?"
\ O O / \ O O /
\ . / /\ "But I was in a zine!" \ . / /\ "How many times do I
/|Ö|\ (**) /|Ö|\ (**) have to tell you? I
( | | ) /[] ( | | ) /[] was in a zine!?!"
_/-\_ _/\_ _ _/-\_ _/\_ _
ææææææææææææææææ
æ Æfterthought æ
ææææææææææææææææ
The next issue'll have submissions from people who were expecting to have space
reserved for them. I just felt like releasing an issue today...
¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?
What you have just read was a step into the unknown spontaneous and poorly
edited thoughts for sharing collectively known as "Angstmonster." All thoughts
on the matter can be sent to <gir@angstmonster.org> or you can just visit the
site http://www.angstmonster.org and see what you think. (But I won't promise
any content to anyone.) Submissions of all sorts are welcome! Everything from
prose and poetry to rants and opinions, creative text art, recipes for yummy
food, reviews of stuff, etc.
Thanks and enjoy your day...
copyright 2002 issue 6
angstmonster.org 8.20.02
Feel free to redistribute this document, although no fee can be charged and the
content must not be altered or modified in any way. Unauthorized use of any
part of this document is prohibited. All rights reserved. (and stuff)
