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Angstmonster 07
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* 8.27.02 angstmonster issue 7 *
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¡edited (poorly) by gir¡
A Mongoose can kill anything it puts it's mind to, just look at Steven Hawking!
-Kozar
¡contents¡
Brief Words from gir
Understanding the Universe -tildaq
Official Mix of Doom -gir
Helping You Kill Time at Work Since 2000 -gir
Death by Hot Pocket -gir
---------------
: Brief Words :
: from gir :
---------------
NOW HE'S GONE AND CHANGED THE BOXMAKING!!!!
::gasps from the audience::
(Don't worry folks, it's just an imaginary audience. They don't bite or cause
harm to small children so you can continue in peace.) But enough from the
outside world and their announcer (who also happens to be imaginary) because
it's time for some brief words from me, you know the driving force of annoyance
behind all the random things that've been put into angstmonster thus far.
*insertion of brief words*
While things continue in the land of angstyness and hairy gut monsters, expect
the next couple of issues of angstmonster to go the way of the South Park movie!
(That is, bigger, longer, and UN-FUCKING-CUT!!!) That's right, with a few new
ground rules and a more promoted open submission, the word's getting out to the
world and now you too can be immortalized using our ASCII rendering systems to
place your consciousness into angstmonster! Become one with us, it'll be really
hecka cool.
At the end of issue 6, I promised I'd put some other people's writings in here
and just maybe, it'll actually happen. (If not, I'll make up someone and have
them write for me!)
No matter what happens, remain calm... We wouldn't want anyone to get hurt.
-----------------
: Understanding :
: the Universe :
: by tildaq :
-----------------
1111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111
1 Lesson 1: Understand everything before you move on. 1
1111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111
Said, he never knew what was going on. They knew exactly what was going on, so
he told nobody. All he did was write it down in his diary to study later. Who
was smarter. Said, he may have been smarter, even though he didn't have a clue
as to what was happening in his environment, or in his head. They, however, had
much more knowledge of the environment as well as knowing and understand the
brain functions. This minute characteristic says nothing about: charm, humor,
cleverness, or logic.
They had knowledge that actually hindered him from communicating. Said, he was
scared of everything unknown, and was blocked from any kind of communication as
well. Me, a mailman, noticed that no mail was being collected from two
particular mailboxes. Me told his boss, who looked into it right away.
Said, he received a visit from a. person, who was working just above Me and had
better people skills. Said, he was shocked. They also received a similar visit.
A. person noticed something very similar about the two visits. He figured that
Said and They should meet each other.
"Said Smith, this is They Jones," said a. person.
"Hi Said," said They.
"Hi They," stated Said.
A. person informed both Said and They that neither of them were collecting their
mail from their mailboxes anymore and that both of them have something in
common. Said was stupid and anti-social by They's standards, as They was snobby
and anti-social in Said's eyes. A. person went on to say that that was what
they had in common. Both of them could agree that the other was anti-social and
that there is an adjective in front of it. The last thing that a. person
proposed was that this moment is where they could begin.
Five years later, Said and They had become very close, great friends. Both of
them at this point in their lives decided to change their names. By getting
together and communicating, these men had come to the realization that their
names drove them to be anti-social. They became smart because he sat all day
inside and read books. Said became stupid because he did not communicate with
anyone who had knowledge to share. After a. person introduced them to each
other, their personalities complimented one another's which influenced the flow
of their lives.
Both felt extremely comfortable in social situations. Both was the judge who
granted Said Smith the right to change his name to They Smith. Both also
granted They Jones the right to change his name to And Jones. This got Both
thinking and he introduced himself to They and And.
2222222222222222222222222
2 Lesson 2: Communicate 2
2222222222222222222222222
"I'm not exactly sure how old I was when I learned that I was....um...I don't
want to say different, but special. It was just kind of a gradual learning
experience. I would look at all of the other kids and I knew, I just knew that
they didn't think like me. They didn't see things the way I saw them. I could
see the..well, it's difficult to explain in a few sentences but, I could see the
chemical and mathematical construction of objects."
We all know that William X. Yearning contributed greatly in our recently
acquired knowledge of the universe that has led to a full understanding of our
surroundings. Because of this "full understanding," every human has decided to
commit suicide very soon, maybe within 24 hours. On this grim day, many people
look back at the story of William and wonder how he became so smart, how he
became the most interesting human being that ever lived and more importantly how
he did this without telling anyone until he figured it all out, by himself!
Before we open the floodgates of information that has been compiled, it is
necessary to start at the beginning of William X. Yearning's amazing life in
order to fully comprehend the entity, the being, the god-like man that is now a
household name. His story begins in the spring months of a confusing year for
many Americans, 2010.
William had just turned 12 and was entering the second semester of seventh
grade. He absolutely hated, dreaded the thought of going to school everyday.
He would always make excuses to his loving mother who came in at exactly 7:12
every day just to say the same sentence which any 7 year old child would love to
hate: "Come on Will, it's 7:15, you gotta get up now, you don't want to miss the
bus." Actually, Will would have wanted nothing more at this time than to miss
that old piece of junk that drives him a half an hour to a place he considered
to be more torturous than hell! Will simply rolled over and attempted to mutter
the words, "I think I'm getting sick, I have to stay home," but all the came out
was something that sounded more along the lines of a 30 year old John Deere that
had just run out of oil, gas, and was ready to be shipped off to the dump. He
sat there and pondered why his mother came in to his room for about 4 and a half
seconds everyday at 7:12 and said it was actually 7:15. This moment was one of
the most important moments of his life.
After the initial JOLT one gets when the phone pierces your eardrums at 7:15 of
any morning of the week much less the long Monday when you have to go back to
the seventh grade, Will thought to himself: I hope it is the school saying that
there has been a cancellation. It rang again, this time it was much less
annoying since he was anticipating the noise. On the third ring he decided that
he would just get up out of his bed and go brush his teeth. What was the point
of complaining, he would just have make-up work and have to go through the same
event the next morning. Besides Mrs. Primer said that she would give out some
sort of candy on the first day back. William could never turn down free,
effortless sugar.
While he was slowly walking down the hall toward his soon to be re-wallpapered
bathroom, he got that strange feeling. As he looked down at the floor, the
carpet gradually appeared as if it was moving, yet not traveling anyplace, it
was just vibrating or flowing in waves. Will grasped his head in hopes that it
would stop, it was not painful, but Will had no idea what was happening. He had
told his mother a few months ago about this feeling that he gets every once in
while but she thought it was another one of his quirks, his odd behavior. She
did however take every precaution and took him to Dr. Siconde who came up with
no real understanding of his condition, and told him to calm down whenever it
happens and if it starts to become too unbearable to return to his office. Will
left the office feeling comfortable that this problem would sort of "work itself
out," like a lump of cake mix that is just not quite blending with the rest of
the cake mix. Will stopped and just looked at the carpet and wondered why this
was happening to him, what is this feeling? He had previously thought that it
was just part of puberty, but now he was beginning to believe that it was
something different. The white carpet began to turn grey, as if the colors were
actually, physically peeling off. As he lifted his groggy head, he noticed that
everything in the hallway was losing its color. This was not like a black and
white film from the 1930's, this looked like x-ray vision.
Will moved as slow as he could in this moment of fear. He walked over to the
door of the bathroom and reached his hand out. His innocent finger extended and
touched the door. His mother frantically walked up the stairs and said, "Do you
know what time it is? The bus is going to be here in less than 20 minutes. Have
you taken a shower yet?"
He was embarrassed at the odd-looking position he was in, standing there
touching the door and not making a move, but his mother was too preoccupied to
notice, or care what position he was in: she just wanted him to get moving and
get ready for school. Will turned his head and tried to act as if everything
was normal inside of his head and he responded to his mother, "I'm about to get
a shower after I brush my teeth." His mother formed a disapproving face and
turned around to walk downstairs.
33333333333333333333333333333333333333
3 Lesson 3: Everything is possible. 3
33333333333333333333333333333333333333
Earth is a breeding ground for souls. The place where souls are born and given
a body that is completely different from anyone living or dead, to begin to
understand our individual soul and what it desires and despises.
Once you have overcome every fear that your soul has about it's surroundings
here on Earth, you are allowed to move on. What is the most common, first and
last fear of every single being's life?
Death.
Now, If you overcome the fear of death you first have to experience it. There is
absolutely no way to overcome any fear by just thinking about it. By committing
suicide, you have overcome the fear of all fears and you acquire a full
understanding of the universe.
Advice: Hold off on understanding the universe
----------------
: Official Mix :
: of Doom :
: by gir :
----------------
Should anyone be looking for some cool music, the following is a mix of songs I
put together. It started off as a bunch of neat song for a soundtrack to life
or experience or something, but as I started listening to it a lot, I was all
"Hey, this should be something I put in angstmonster!!!" So the idea is if you
have a playlist of about 80 minutes (long/short enough to fit on a cd) then you
too can be part of the fun and disaster that is angstmonster!!! (And if that
doesn't interest anyone, I'll probably do another mix in a couple of issues.)
"Whisper in Time" -Bad Religion
"Teenager" -Deftones
"Falling Apart" -Oedipus Complex
"Sober" -Tool
"What Do You Want Me to Say?" -The Dismemberment Plan
"Idioteque" -Radiohead
"Why Do You Have So Much Fun Without Me?" -Barcelona
"Everybody's Happy Nowadays" -The Buzzcocks
"Heart Miser" -Massive Attack
"Speechless" -Scannerfunk
"Airships" -VNV Nation
"Green Light" -Cleaner
"Venus as a Boy" -Björk
"P.S. You Rock My World" -The Eels
Collect them all!!
--------------------
: Helping You Kill :
: Time at Work :
: Since 2000 :
: by gir :
--------------------
"HI THERE! EVER SINCE I LOST MY ARM "ANYWAYZ, I FOUND THIS COOL
/\ I'VE BEEN REALLY BORED AND SPEND MOST /\ SITE THE OTHER NIGHT WHILE
(**) OF MY TIME ONLINE USING MY ONE HANDED (**) I WAS LOOKING FOR INFOZ ON
/[] TYPING SKILLS I PICKED UP FROM YEARS /[] INSERTING A SOAP BAR INTO
_/\_ OF HAVING TO TYPE ONE HANDED!!!" _/\_ MY RECTUM TO HELP ME POOP!"
/\ "EVEN THOUGH THE SITE I VISITED /\ "THERE'S A BUNCH OF FUNNY HUMOR
(**) DIDN'T GIVE ME ANY INFORMATION (**) AND STORIES PUT TOGETHER BY THE
/[] ON HOW TO POOP WITH SOAP BUT I /[] GUY WHO RUNS THE SITE WITH LINKS
_/\_ DID FIND LOTS OF NEAT LINKS!!!" _/\_ HE FINDS TO WIERD STUFF ONLINE!"
/\ "YOU MIGHT SAY HE'S RIPPING OFF /\ "SO THIS SITE IS FUCKALLYALL.COM
(**) MEMEPOOL.COM BUT YOU KNOW WHAT (**) AND YOU REALLY NEED TO GO THERE
/[] MEMEPOOL.COM DOESN'T RUN POST /[] AND GET AN ACCOUNT AND HELP THIS
_/\_ NUKE!!! SO HE IS NOT RIPPING _/\_ GUY FIND SOME COOL STUFF FOR HIS
THEM OFF!!!" SITE!!!!!"
/\ "BUT YOU KNOW WHAT'S COOL!?!? /\ "THIS MEANS THAT ALL OF MY FRIENDS
(**) JUST BY TELLING YOU THIS RIGHT (**) WILL BE EVEN MORE JEALOUS THAN THE
/[] NOW, I AM MAKING ANOTHER /[]\ LAST TIME I WAS IN A ZINE!!! OH IT
_/\_ APPEARANCE IN A ZINE!!!!" _/\_ WAS SO KILLER!! OMFG!! IT R00LED!!
______
/ \ <---Sp00ky gh0st angstmonster
| x x | /\ "BUT I WAS IN A ZINE!! AND I GO
| | "B00! Hey, kid! You don't (**) TO FUCKALLYALL.COM FOR ALL MY
| O | have any friends remember?" /[] NEWS!!!"
\/\/\/\/ _/\_
______
/ \ "I go there too and it's
| x x | like memepool.com with /\ "SO? IT'S COOL!!!!
| | post nuke." (**) HEY, WAIT....
| O | /[] ARE YOU A GHOST?"
\/\/\/\/ _/\_
______ ______
/ \ / \ "Yes."
| x x | /\ | x x | /\ "0h."
| | (**) | | (**)
| O | /[] | O | /[]
\/\/\/\/ _/\_ \/\/\/\/ _/\_
______ ______
/ \ / \
| x x | /\ | x x | /\
| | (**) | | (**)
| O | /[] | O | /[]
\/\/\/\/ _/\_ \/\/\/\/ _/\_
* <--IS THAT POOP!?!
______ WAS HE JUST SCARED
/ \ "Hey, why'd soap just SHITLESS!?!?!
| x x | fall out of your butt?" /\ "YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE I WAS
| | (**) IN A ZINE AND YOU WEREN'T!!!"
| O | /[]
\/\/\/\/ _/\_
* * <--- HE POOPED MORE SOAP OUT!!! WTF!
______
/ \ "But I'm a ghost I'm
| x x | always in zines..." /\ "I WANNA ALWAYS BE IN ZINES TOO! CAN I
| | (**) BE A GHOST!?!?!?!?!"
| O | /[]
\/\/\/\/ _/\_
* * * <--- THIS KID IS FUCKIN SICK!
______
/ \ "No." So what'd we learn from this?
| x x | 1. fuckallyall.com is a cool place to go even
| | if it's just memepool.com with post nuke.
| O | The !B00! End. 2. ghosts are always in zines because they are
\/\/\/\/ (Did I scare you?) fucking cool.
3. the kid with one arm is really fucked up.
--------------
: Death by :
: Hot Pocket :
: by gir :
--------------
No this is not a story about the time I burned my lip so bad on a pepperoni from
a hot pocket that it tore of skin. Rather, it is a retelling of true events
that happened the other night and all started because there weren't any
leftovers in the fridge.
I had come home from work and hadn't gotten a dinner break. The only thing I
had eaten that day was a hot pocket when I woke up and a chocolate chip ice
cream sandwich cookie while we were closing the sore. Much to my dismay there
weren't any leftovers or any other sort of food to make quietly at 2 am other
than hot pockets. Looking back, I wish there had been.
It all starts when I'm watching my hot pocket get nuked and there's about a
minute left, all of a sudden it starts breathing. The center of the hot pocket
(what would be the chest I suppose) starts moving, rising and falling. I was
confused at first and then when the cheese leaking out of the sides turned into
arms and legs, I got scared. By that time the microwave was done nuking the
beast, but it was too late. The door opened and down jumped a little hot pocket
with feet and arms and he talked! After picking himself up from a landing next
to the other "soon to be nuked" hot pocket, he started cursing me out in some
strange hot pocket language. It sounded kinda funny so I laughed and the next
thing I know, a scalding hot sausage is being thrown at me...
"What's so funny big man?"
"Intelligence in preprocessed microwavable form!"
"I'm not a normal hot pocket. I am actually a being from outer space who's
craft takes the shape of a crate of hot pockets. My friends and I were mistaken
once we landed outside a shipping depot for the grocery store. We've been
seperated across your country. It's only very recently that I learned from our
intelligence that we taste much like your hot pockets do."
"Cool, it means I can eat you."
What this little hot pocket alien beast demon thing didn't understand was that
I was hungry. Being that him and his only friends were what's left in my house
to eat, I took the diplomatic route.
I placed his friend on my plate and put him in the microwave.
"NO, YOU CAN'T!! Our entire mission depends on that lone friend you are about
to place in your microwave device."
"Sorry, but I'm really hungry and going to eat the both of you."
"NO! I WON'T LET THE MISSION END HERE! By the law of my people you and I shall
fight a duel to the death, winner eats all!"
(Apparently the hot pocket people had this idea that fighting was more important
than dinner. But at 2am, I wasn't having none of that... I quickly bit off the
top of this hot pocket and started chewing on his inner yummyness. )
I finished eating the first hot pocket I thought I would be safe from any other
harm but during our fight, his friend (with which the fate of the hot pocket
people had disapeared and was quite possibly escaping my hungry belly) had
rallied an army of hot pocket people bent on my destruction!! Before I knew it
I had been knocked down and the hot pocket people began to eat me alive and they
all burned when they bit into me so it hurt, oh the pain! The pain was like bad
goth poetry and it stung like no other.
And then, I died. They had eaten me all up. Thus they had avenged their friend
and the second hot pocket went on to lead the revolution of the hot pocket
people.
I now live inside a computer (with the monsters that make the computer work)
But that is a story for another time, so goodnight children.
æææææææææææææææææææ
æ Æfterthought(s) æ
æææææææææææææææææææ
I think it's all done now. Even though it's not as un-fucking-cut as I'd hoped,
the next couple of issues will be. (The reason for this is that I'll wait a
longer between releasing the next issue, as a way of sorting testing how long it
takes to find enough people to write so that I am satisfied. It'd be cool to
have two people other than me writing each time or something. But that won't
always happen, so there isn't much to do about it. Well that and since I died
and am now living inside my computer, I have to find a way out. The monsters
I mentioned earlier have some rough sketches on how to get me out, but they
keep mentioning lewd acts as a method of payment. However it turns out, it'll
be an adventure to find my way back. Hopefully being trapped inside the
computer won't interfere with my work schedule.)
Right now I'm listening to that lil playlist featured up above and it's got some
cool songs on it that everyone should check out if they have the chance. Music
is something to have faith in, just like kitties and clouds. Clouds never let
you down, no matter what.
And Lastly, Greets to all the loyal fans.
¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?
What you have just read was a step into the unknown spontaneous and poorly
edited thoughts for sharing collectively known as "Angstmonster." All thoughts
on the matter can be sent to <gir@angstmonster.org> or you can just visit the
site http://www.angstmonster.org and see what you think. (But I won't promise
any content to anyone.) Submissions of all sorts are welcome! Everything from
prose and poetry to rants and opinions, creative text art, recipes for yummy
food, reviews of stuff, etc.
Thanks and enjoy your day...
copyright 2002 issue 7
angstmonster.org 8.27.02
Feel free to redistribute this document, although no fee can be charged and the
content must not be altered or modified in any way. Unauthorized use of any
part of this document is prohibited. All rights reserved. (and stuff)
