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Angstmonster 17
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+ _____ ____ ____ ______/ |_____ ____ ___ ______/ |___________ +
* \__ \/ \ / __ \/ ___\ __\ \ _ \/ \/ ___\ __/__ \_ __ \ *
+ / __ \_ | \ /_/ >\__ \| | Y Y \<_> ) | \__ \| |\ ___/| | \/ +
* (____ /_| /___ /____ >|__|__|_| /___/__| /___ >|__| \__ \|__| *
+ \/ \/____/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ +
* 12.30.02 angstmonster issue 17 *
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¡edited (poorly) by gir¡
<lb> there is a difference between youth and consumer whoredom
<lb> consumer whoredom is only PART of being the youth!
ANGSTMONSTER: PACKAGING YOUTHS INTO NICE NEAT CONSUMER WHORE SHAPED BOXES
§+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++¡contents¡++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++§
+ +
+ Brief Words from gir +
+ gir GOOGLE LIES TO LITTLE CHILDREN! rig +
+ zhixel I HATE TEXAS OR I LOVE TEXAS lexihz +
+ ALL BIGGEST DOUCHE OF 2002! LLA +
+ ch33z-1t THE END t1-z33hc +
+ +
§+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++¡contents¡++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++§
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| |__ _ __(_) ___ / _| __ _____ _ __ __| |___
| '_ \| '__| |/ _ \ |_ \ \ /\ / / _ \| '__/ _` / __|
| |_) | | | | __/ _| \ V V / (_) | | | (_| \__ \
|_.__/|_| |_|\___|_| \_/\_/ \___/|_| \__,_|___/
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| |_| '__/ _ \| '_ ` _ \ / _` | | '__|
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|___/
Let me just say that I think that our last release (the sock puppet issue) will
probably be our most successful release ever. Thus it shall be written amongst
these lines of text that the sock puppet issue shall stand tall and rule over
the kingdom of angstmonster! That no one in their right or wrong minds will
ever be able to thwart a bunch of ascii generated sock puppets from the throne
in this glorious kingdom of angst, text, art, and lack of explanation.
All the same, we're pressing on. First I have to explain something to you.
Ever since oregano passed on, life's been rough at angstmonster headquarters.
No one's felt like doing anything at all. Our spirits were broken and there
was nothing that could lift them until....
SOUTH PARK.
You see, the most hardcore of hardcore and dedicated members of the inner
circle of angstmonster writers are South Park fans. In fact, it's the only
reason we can ever pretend we are funny. We steal all of our best jokes from
archived episodes of South Park. Go ahead, watch some episodes and you'll
understand. But anyways, it was a Wednesday night and I was doing what I do
best, moping around in front of the computer when a thousand messages attacked
me. Ch33z-1t, the rascal, was reminding me that a new episode of South Park
was going to be on and as ch33z-1t knew, I was very upset about about oregano's
recent departure. He knew this episode would cheer me up.
Not on the did the episode cheer me up, it gave me a fantastic idea. You see
the episode was entitled the "BIGGEST DOUCHE IN THE UNIVERSE" (So actually I
got a couple of really good ideas from the episode)i But the long skinny of it
this, the South Park boys go to see John Edward's show "Crossing Over" in hopes
that Jon Edward can communicate with Kenny who is trapped in Cartman's body
after Cartman drank his ashes thinking they were chocolate milk mix. (If you
haven't watched South Park in a long time, you should probably consider doing
so. It's one of the only shows worth watch on tv) Anyways, I got this idea
that maybe I could talk to oregano if I could find someone who talked to the
dead. Of course, I'm not close friends with Jon Edwards or any other psychics
so I sought the next best thing: ASCII BAT!
"Hey ASCII BAT! I need a favor."
"No. I'm still mad at you for that sock puppet prank you pulled on me."
"Look, I'm sorry you bit your hand. Had I known you were going to try and eat
sock puppet brains, I would've made some just for you. But you didn't tell me
that, now did you?"
"I couldn't. It was a surprise, just for you."
"If you help me, I'll make you the bestest sock puppet brains you've ever had."
"REALLY!?!"
"Yup."
"So what do you need."
"I need to talk to the dead but I don't need how to."
"What makes you think I know how?"
"You're a zombie."
"So?"
"Oh I get it, you're mad at me because I'm confusing you, and UNDEAD zombie,
with someone who's most definitely dead. It's not like that at all. I figured
if you were undead that you'd be a link between the living and the dead. So I
need you to talk to oregano for me."
For a second ASCII BAT just looked at me dumbfounded. Maybe he wasn't as good
a speaker for the dead as I thought he would be.
"Gir..."
"Look, I wouldn't be asking you to do this unless it were really important and
it is. If I can't get in contact with oregano, I think this might be the last
issue of angstmonster ever!"
There was a dramatic pause here. It hung over both of us. Angstmonster had
only been around for the latter half of 2002 and it was just now picking up.
But what I said rang true. Oregano was one of the many potent forces behind
angstmonster and it'd be hard to go on without him. I don't mean to beat a
dead horse (unless of course it yields glue) but since his demise, not even the
success of the sock puppet issue could excite the writers of angstmonster to
produce anything. It was in the silent monologue to myself I realized I should
be telling these things to ASCII BAT.
"Oregano..."
"ALRIGHT! I'll see what I can do."
Since that day, I hadn't heard anything from ASCII BAT. I think he's avoiding
me because he hasn't heard anything from oregano. And until he does, this will
be THE LAST ISSUE OF ANGSTMONSTER EVER! I'm sorry to do this, but it's not
really angstmonster if oregano isn't around to share in the fun.
This last issue of angstmonster ever is dedicated to oregano and the biggest
douche of 2002. Read on...
_ _ _ _
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/ _` |/ _ \ / _ \ / _` | |/ _ \ | | |/ _ \/ __| | __/ _ \
| (_| | (_) | (_) | (_| | | __/ | | | __/\__ \ | || (_) |
\__, |\___/ \___/ \__, |_|\___| |_|_|\___||___/ \__\___/
|___/ |___/
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
| (_) |_| |_| | ___ ___| |__ (_) | __| |_ __ ___ _ __
| | | __| __| |/ _ \ / __| '_ \| | |/ _` | '__/ _ \ '_ \
| | | |_| |_| | __/ | (__| | | | | | (_| | | | __/ | | |
|_|_|\__|\__|_|\___| \___|_| |_|_|_|\__,_|_| \___|_| |_|
It's true.
Well, maybe not 100% true, but it seems like most of the time when you search
for something on google, you don't always get what you wanted. To take a
second from tfile excitement and soap box all about how when one searches for
things on the internet, it's easier to buy what you want than find information
on it. Yeah, that really sucks. However, that doesn't happen with us. (That
is, when you're seeking out tfiles) In fact, only two people (according to our
httpd logs) was actually looking for angstmonster.
So anyways, here's a long list of all the search terms followed by a nice, neat
breakdown.
(Note: this is since angstmonster began in late July of 2002)
gir@interzone:~$ cat google_ref
PJ Ladd's Wonderful Horrible Life
sniffing wifi traffic
pj ladd
sniffing wifi
wardriving linksys
toll houses chocolate chocolate chip cookie recipe
unfiltered menthol cigarettes
intentional misspellings email
Are Menthol Cigarettes worse than regulars
WIFI, sniffing
how to write slogans quotes
digging in with long fingernails scratching
long string of mucus pulled from nose
Fruity Loops Beat Making Tutorial
P.J Ladd
smallest barcode reader
wifi sniff
eels electroshcok blues
wifi sniffing
top ten albums of the 90's
big floppy dick
fucking text art
xxxx porn
oo snap
brain teaser "square meals"
pj ladd
wifi sniffing
P.J. Ladd skateboarding
P.J Ladd's Wonderful, Horrible Life
wifi sniffing
happy birthday text art
fruity loops heavy metal drum patterns
Electroshock Blues
sorry I took the money sounds
wifi sniffing
wifi sniffing
happy birthday text art
Angstmonster.org girl
Hello Shitty Stickers
spoof paysites
fruity drum tutorial
maddox crappy artwork
pictures of toothless people
masturbation pictures
wifi sniff
course notes on creating drums beats using fruity loops
existential angst-monster
fruity loop sounds
odd looking mailboxes
Hocico
hocico
angstmonster
stromkernn revies concert
wifi sniff
wifi sniff
football statisticks
PJ Ladd
crappy kids artwork maddox
P.J. Ladd's wonderful horrible life's lyrics
hot pocket slogans
i'm cumming
pj ladd
neat stickers
Of all the ____ in all the towns in all the world, she had to walk into mine
pj ladd video
how to do I do something in ALA format
yaggi cheese house
Mr. Maddox hate mail
oxox porn
text art porn
girl cumming
skateboarding in richmond va
neat stickers
anarchy recipes download
rental bondage movie madison store
doubled stuffed Oreos compared to regular Oreos
new port south design
learn about masturbation
stromkern
pukka and her good friend
there's something in the way you look tonight takes my breath away lyrics
sifl and olly free sounds
PJ Ladd
selling oregano to middle school kids
maddox hatemail
xxxx porn
wifi yaggi
lyrics eels electroshock blues
chopstix Word tool
hindi music nodes for learning piano
final fantasy text art
smurfs drugs clip
wifi sniffing
psychoanalysis of the Maxx
lifespan of average tv sitcom
porn beat song download
www.pukka smoking
vnv nation scorched earth
wifi sniffing
starfucks logo
wifi sniffing
stan masturbation south park
writing hi hat patterns in fruity loops
city spotting
pj ladd
Pukka Pukka Squeetily Boink
pj ladd talent
starfucks logo
Last Nights Ring Around the moon
why smoking is cool
wifi sniffing
hot pockets burned my
16 note techno tutorial
they held her
exploded clip funny
any gir hot
tfiles
yaggi wardriving
new port south artwork
pukka pukka squeetily boink
maddox crappy child artwork
dungeon sex screen name
Kid pissing on ford
femminist movement
fuck with horses movie for free
masturbation
wifi sniffing
statisticks black people
40 days and 40 nights xvid problems
tcpdump wifi
My windows media player says needs xvid codec
Gucci DO RAG
starbucks logo meaning
wifi sniffing
penis injuries in the Vietnam War
one armed ninja
pj ladd sucks
sniff for wifi
wifi sniff
gir taco sounds
skateboarding subculture norms
i kinda wish i had a mission on my plate music
advert drink drive fun asshole
Dragonball z uncut pictures
spoof paysites
ALA format writing style
masturbation with other guys
starfucks logo
fruity loops change note tutorial
starbucks logo fuck
angstmonster
quartknee
toothless grins pictures
elton john what does love mean
Fruity loops formulas
creating drum and base tutorial
your kids artwork sucks maddox
gorillas and chimpanzees
wifi Sniffing
my animations warning sex
what people eat in Zimbobwe
cell orange jumpsuit women smoking
live clip movie
dealing with stuck up and snotty people and jerks
gir taco pictures
Sensitivity, D Minor LYRICS Once Upon a Mattress
wifi sniffing
le tigre deception lyrics
gir cookies doom
Elton John "They know not if it's dark outside or light"
wifi sniffing
wifi linksys sniff
VietNam veterans Motorcycle Club
elf rape
dual headphones laptop
wardriving christmas lights
le tigre lyrics deception
steven schneider aikido
dizzy after masturbation
Starbucks Logo explination
smoking pukka
shut up and reboot
OK, SO YOU'VE SEEN THIS LIST AND IT'S PRETTY FUNNY ON IT'S OWN. IF YOU WANNA
BE BORED, GO AHEAD AND KEEP READING. OTHERWISE JUST SKIP ONTO THE OUR FEATURE
PRESENTATION, THE BIGGEST DOUCHE OF 2002!
gir@interzone:~$ wc -l google_ref
182 google_ref
29 of which are some form of "wifi sniffing." This is a result of the file
"Sniffing People's WiFi Traffic" found in am01.txt which is a spoof of a
Dead Kennedys' song "Stealing People's Mail"
14 of which are some form of "PJ Ladd." His landmark skateboarding video "PJ
Ladd's Wonderful, Horrible Life" is responsible for the start of
angstmonster. (If you haven't seen this video yet, seek out a copy and
watch it. Or any skate video for that matter. Skate videos are just fun
to watch.)
Under this search, there was one instance of someone searching for the
lyrics for "PJ Ladd's Wonderful, Horrible Life" and a search for "pj ladd
sucks" and "pj ladd talent"
A sorta related search for skateboarding turned up a search for
skateboarding in Richmond,Va and a request for "skateboarding subculture
norms" I find the second one amusing. Maybe someone was doing a college
Anthropology paper on the nomadic habits of skateboarders?
10 of which were some form of "Fruity Loops" or searches on howto's for making
beats. This is thanks to the file in issue 5 where I attempted to give
lessons on beatmaking and got lazy at the last second.
The two interesting unique searches out of this bunch are "course notes on
creating drums beats using fruity loops" (Suggesting that somewhere there's
a class on how to make drum beats. Which sounds almost kind of cool) and
"creating drum and base tutorial" (This person should be shot. Either they
were cracked out on E and just forgot how to spell "bass" or really have no
clue what's going on. I suppose when you spell it "dnb" all the time you
forget)
There's actually an overlap here with porn as someone searched for "porn
beat song download" Maybe there's a really cool bootleg of beatniks having
sex that I haven't heard yet. If anyone reading this has it, that'd be
cool. OR MAYBE, someone thought it'd be cool to put sex sounds in their hip
new dancefloor 4 on the floor track they made in ACID!
6 of which involved masturbation. I'm not really sure if anyone has ever
specifically written about masturbation under the angstmonster flag, but a
lot of the times, what we write seems like mental masturbation. However,
"stan masturbation south park" or "masturbation with other guys" HAS NOTHING
TO DO WITH ANGSTMONSTER! SURE, WE MAY BE AN EZINE OF MADE UP OF MOSTLY
MALES WHO ARE FANS OF SOUTH PARK BUT DON'T PUSH YOUR WEIRD ASS PAPER MACHE
CARTOON FETISH SHIT ON US!
Of course, the funniest search concerning masturbation was "dizzy after
masturbation" because you know someone looked that up right after they were
done, blowing their load and got worried that maybe they were doing
something wrong. IT WAS A CURSE PLACED ON YOUR BY ANGSTMONSTER, THAT'S
WHAT!
5 of which contained "porn." It's not surprising to find someone searching
for porn on the internet, that's why the internet was made after all. In
fact there weren't any really interesting searches concerning porn directly.
However, thanks to the special sub issue of The Glue Factory in issue 13, we
got a linked to someone searching for "fuck with horses movie for free"
5 of which were a reference to "maddox" who runs "The Best Page in The
Universe" (http://maddox.xmission.com) 4 of these links are from people
looking for his article on "Crappy Children's Art Work" and 1 hit coming
from someone looking for "maddox hatemail" I think it's great that we stole
5 hits from The Best Page in The Universe. It's an amazingly great page and
everyone should visit it. (especially if they've already visited us)
The funny thing about this is that I mentioned maddox in issue 10 as a
character in this really crappy movie "New Port South"
Speaking of which, "New Port South" gave us 2 hits. Both of which concern
the artwork and design in the movie. (Remember, both of those were the only
good thing about the movie because the director was a title director!)
4 of which contained "pukka" This is thanks to the Muffin Man who wrote a
transcription of a Fraggle Rock song for the HAPPY BIRTHDAY ISSUE OF DOOM!
(issue 8 for those of you keeping track) Only one of the searches seemed
related to the song itself. The other's involved "smoking pukka"
4 of which contained "gir" You know, the cartoon which I so gracefully stole
my nick from. Anyways, two searches for "gir taco" and then of course, one
of the coolest things ever... "gir cookies doom" If I could have my way,
life would be me, cookies, and doom.
After the < 4 drop off, there aren't too many interesting searches. (Except
for the hits we got from people searching for "toothless people pictures" So
instead here's an annotated list of all the really unique and funny hits we
got.
toll houses chocolate chocolate chip cookie recipe
issue 1 contained the recipe for the bestest homemade cookies ever!
intentional misspellings email
we've never gotten any email, ever. someone should email us.
digging in with long fingernails scratching
i have no idea what this means or why it pointed to us
long string of mucus pulled from nose
ch33z-1t wrote something about being a fingernail. It mentioned mucus.
This seems likes it's ch33z-1t material anyways. (am08.txt)
smallest barcode reader
tildaq wrote something about a crazy tiny barcode reader. (am09.txt)
top ten albums of the 90's
gir's rants about really good music. (am03.txt)
big floppy dick
This is a really funny phrase. It makes me wonder what someone intended to
find looking for this. The AM source is a rant gir wrote about scenes.
(am00.txt)
fucking text art
WE'RE ALL ABOUT THE FUCKING TEXT ART (but sadly, have yet to draw text art
of fucking)
brain teaser "square meals"
It's probably some indie rock band. But a brain teaser about square meals
would be fun too.
sorry I took the money sounds
STOP WORRYING ABOUT THE MONEY!
existential angst-monster
It's like an existential vagina with teeth. gir's guide to naming stuff.
(am10.txt)
odd looking mailboxes
Again, no idea.
football statisticks
tildaq spelled statistics like that once in one of his files (am10.txt)
i'm cumming
i'm not. "Last Resort" spoof. (am05.txt)
Of all the ____ in all the towns in all the world, she had to walk into mine
This sounds like it'd make a good tfile title.
yaggi cheese house
Yaggi as in wifi equipment? I dunno, never had a cheese house (am01.txt)
anarchy recipes download
Who else thinks it'd be fun to have a cookbook (for food) made by the same
people who wrote the anarchist cookbook tfiles? Do you think their food
recipes would taste really bad?
rental bondage movie madison store
Wherever madison is, I bet it has a cool bondage store.
doubled stuffed Oreos compared to regular Oreos
THEY'RE WAY BETTER BECAUSE YOU CAN MAKE QUADROOPAL STUFFED OREOS WITH THEM!
selling oregano to middle school kids
This might be a future tfile. It starts off with someone trying to pawn
our beloved oregano to middle school kids. Wait on the edge of your seats
for the OREGANO TRIBUTE ISSUE!
chopstix Word tool
Who uses word anymore?
smurfs drugs clip
tildaq's file. (am10.txt)
psychoanalysis of the Maxx
I sat down and watched all the maxx episodes back to back. It put me in a
weird mood. (am09.txt)
lifespan of average tv sitcom
WE THINK IT SHOULD BE A LOT LONGER THAN IT IS!
vnv nation scorched earth
VNV Nation is the best band ever.
city spotting
THERE'S ONE! OVER THERE! CAN YOU SEE IT?
Last Nights Ring Around the moon
another cool title for a file (am01.txt)
why smoking is cool
the name of one of mr. jay's files (am09.txt)
16 note techno tutorial
Fruity Loops tutorial (am05.txt)
they held her
a really surreal and depressing tfile title?
exploded clip funny
HAHA NO IT WASN'T
tfiles
ROCK SO FUCKING MUCH!
dungeon sex screen name
"Dungeon Master's Guide" was a name for a band/project mentioned in the
"gir's guide to naming stuff" file (am10.txt)
Kid pissing on ford
YOU MEAN CALVIN!?
feminist movement
Another link as a result from the "gir's guide to naming stuff" file. It
amuses me to no end that someone actual got linked to us for searching for
feminist movement. (am10.txt)
statisticks black people
This is all tildaq (am10.txt)
Gucci DO RAG
IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE HARDCORE THUGGIN, YOU NEED THE FINEST FABRIC DO RAGS
IMPORTATED FROM WHEREVER GUCCI COMES FROM!
penis injuries in the Vietnam War
You know, if those journalists had reported on this, that war woulda ended
a whole lot sooner.
one armed ninja
TRAINED BY THE FINEST: NINJA STRIKE FORCE! (amspr5.txt)
i kinda wish i had a mission on my plate music
tfile title. no doubt.
advert drink drive fun asshole
Engrish?
Dragonball z uncut pictures
Sadly, we've never drawn any DBZ ASCII art either.
quartknee
Estell's friend. FROM THE SUB ISSUE OF THE GLUE FACTORY! (am13.txt)
gorillas and chimpanzees
HAVE SEX IN PUBLIC!
my animations warning sex
More engrish.
what people eat in Zimbobwe
ch33z-1t knows "Zimbobwe has many problems" (am13.txt)
cell orange jumpsuit women smoking
mmmm smoking fetishes...
dealing with stuck up and snotty people and jerks
THIS SHOULD BE A HOWTO ON DEALING WITH PEOPLE IN YOUR "SCENE"
Sensitivity, D Minor LYRICS Once Upon a Mattress
My high school drama group or chorus or something performed this one year.
VietNam veterans Motorcycle Club
The guys who own the land where playa del fuego is held. Also known as the
VNV Motorcycle Club. I was too intimidated by them the whole weekend to
tell them that they shared an acronym with one of the coolest bands ever.
(am11.txt)
elf rape
Well naturally, a fanboy would have to rape an elf. He wouldn't be getting
someone like Arwen with HIS good looks, now would he? (Proof that we used
to number issue in german) (elf.txt/am11.txt)
dual headphones laptop
Not sure what that's supposed to mean.
steven schneider aikido
Mr. Jay's first rant about movies, focusing on Steven Segal. (am16.txt)
shut up and reboot
A clip from a cutup gir tired to make, but fell short. (am04.txt)
SO YEAH... THERE IT IS! SOMETHING THAT'S BEEN LAID ON REALLY THICK IN ORDER
TO MAKE YOU FORGET THAT OUR LIST OF BIGGEST DOUCHES OF 2002 REALL LACKS.
TO KEEP WITH THAT THEME, READ THIS FILE BY ZHIXEL!
_ _ _ _
(_) | |__ __ _| |_ ___ | |_ _____ ____ _ ___
| | | '_ \ / _` | __/ _ \ | __/ _ \ \/ / _` / __|
| | | | | | (_| | || __/ | || __/> < (_| \__ \
|_| |_| |_|\__,_|\__\___| \__\___/_/\_\__,_|___/
___ ____
/ _ \| _ \
| | | | |_) |
| |_| | _ <
\___/|_| \_\
_ _ _
(_) | | _____ _____ | |_ _____ ____ _ ___
| | | |/ _ \ \ / / _ \ | __/ _ \ \/ / _` / __|
| | | | (_) \ V / __/ | || __/> < (_| \__ \
|_| |_|\___/ \_/ \___| \__\___/_/\_\__,_|___/
(by zhixel)
''I'm going out with this year.''
Random thoughts often sprung from the casual nothingness of Haskell's mind.
The nothingness didn't entail that he was a dumb man, he simply had nothing to
think about anymore. He always figured these random phrases were his minds way
of keeping itself going, for fear of shutting down permanently should the
silence go on too long.
His mixture of zen and enlightenment broke as a blast of cold air hit his
face from the cooler. Shoving his arm deep within the chilled beast, he grabbed
a soft drink and took his place in the line to the register. The babble of his
fellow line occupants bounced off his ears as he stared at the ceiling, mixing
with the country music playing through out the store.
It was always country music, he had been drowning in country music since he
entered texas a day ago and there was no end in sight. He came to the front of
the line and threw down some money, grunting something about pump 3. Grabbing
his receipt he made for the door when everything stopped.
''Haskie?''
He could feel the hot air from the door on his face as a familiar voice piped
up behind him. Female. His mind started racing, flooding with more thoughts
than he'd had in a long time. Since two years ago. Since that summer. Halfway
across the country. It couldn't be. He was so close. Don't turn around, just
step out the door and never look back.
Haskell turned around. The past came into a screeching collision with the
present and angst overcame him.
____ _____ ___ ____ _____ _ _ _____ _____ _____ ___ _ _____ _
/ ___|_ _/ _ \| _ \ |_ _| | | | ____| |_ _| ___|_ _| | | ____| |
\___ \ | || | | | |_) | | | | |_| | _| | | | |_ | || | | _| | |
___) || || |_| | __/ | | | _ | |___ | | | _| | || |___| |___|_|
|____/ |_| \___/|_| |_| |_| |_|_____| |_| |_| |___|_____|_____(_)
____ _____ ___ ____ _____ _ _ _____ _____ _____ ___ _ _____ _
/ ___|_ _/ _ \| _ \ |_ _| | | | ____| |_ _| ___|_ _| | | ____| |
\___ \ | || | | | |_) | | | | |_| | _| | | | |_ | || | | _| | |
___) || || |_| | __/ | | | _ | |___ | | | _| | || |___| |___|_|
|____/ |_| \___/|_| |_| |_| |_|_____| |_| |_| |___|_____|_____(_)
____ _____ ___ ____ _____ _ _ _____ _____ _____ ___ _ _____ _
/ ___|_ _/ _ \| _ \ |_ _| | | | ____| |_ _| ___|_ _| | | ____| |
\___ \ | || | | | |_) | | | | |_| | _| | | | |_ | || | | _| | |
___) || || |_| | __/ | | | _ | |___ | | | _| | || |___| |___|_|
|____/ |_| \___/|_| |_| |_| |_|_____| |_| |_| |___|_____|_____(_)
SERIOUSLY! WE NEED TO INTERUPT THIS ISSUE OF ANGSTMONSTER TO BRING YOU SOME
FUCKED UP SHIT HAPPENINGS STRAIGHT FROM #EZINES!
<linear`> sorry i didn't get anything in for the sock puppet issue
<girbles> it's ok
<girbles> but you know, you just missed out on the greatest issue of
angstmonster ever
<linear`> dammit.
<linear`> i'll go kill myself
<girbles> yeah it'd be nice to see how many deaths that issue will spawn
<linear`> can't talk, dead.
WHAT'S THAT MEAN!?! IT SEEMS ANOTHER BELOVED BROTHER OF THE TEXT HAS FALLEN TO
A HORRIBLE DEATH THANKS TO OUR SOCK PUPPET ISSUE. THAT'S REALLY FUCKED UP! IT
WASN'T THE INTENTION OF ANGSTMONSTER AT ALL TO KILL ANYONE! REALLY! IT'S A
TRAGEDY THAT OREGANO DIED AND NOW... NOW LINEAR, WONDERFUL LINEAR! HE'S DEAD!
HOWEVER, IN HIS SEARCH FOR OREGANO, ASCIIBAT WAS ABLE TO CHANNEL LINEAR FROM
THE BEYOND AND LINEAR HAD THIS TO SAY...
<linear`> woohoo!
<linear`> immortalized in text scene glory
I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN GO ON WITH THIS ANY LONGER...
SO INSTEAD HERE'S WHAT YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!
_ _ _ _ _
| |__ (_) __ _ __ _ ___ ___| |_ __| | ___ _ _ ___| |__ ___
| '_ \| |/ _` |/ _` |/ _ \/ __| __| / _` |/ _ \| | | |/ __| '_ \ / _ \
| |_) | | (_| | (_| | __/\__ \ |_ | (_| | (_) | |_| | (__| | | | __/
|_.__/|_|\__, |\__, |\___||___/\__| \__,_|\___/ \__,_|\___|_| |_|\___|
|___/ |___/
__ ____ ___ ___ ____
___ / _| |___ \ / _ \ / _ \___ \
/ _ \| |_ __) | | | | | | |__) |
| (_) | _| / __/| |_| | |_| / __/
\___/|_| |_____|\___/ \___/_____|
OK FOLKS, AFTER MUCH DEBATE (AND STUFF) ANGSTMONSTER IS PROUD TO BRING YOU THE
LIST OF THE BIGGEST DOUCHES OF 2002!!!!!!
THE WAY IT WORKS:
Both gir and ch33z-1t spent most of december advertising this list and asking
friends and complete strangers for their submissions for biggest douche of
2002. If a person was nominated more than once, they got moved higher up on
the list. The more votes a person has, the bigger the douche and the person
with the most points wins. SO HERE IT IS...
FIRST WE HAVE ANGSTMONSTER STAFF MEMBERS WHO WERE NOMINATED (AND OBVIOUSLY
CAN'T WIN THE AWARD SINCE WE ARE GIVING IT AWAY AND THAT'D BE CHEATING)
gir:
"For making this list." -the Moose
ch33z-1t:
"I wanted to nominate him for all that swedish crap, but he said that's not
allowed." -James
"he gets an extra vote for saying he wasn't allowed to be nominated." -gir
KoolPeith:
"He is such a sissy." -Crash
NOW ONTO THE REST OF THE WORLD ELLIGABLE TO WIN THE BIGGEST DOUCHE OF 2002
AWARD...
Phil Conien - President of TECHEAD:
"For saying that frames doesn't work with linux." -proudly submitted by Mr. Jay
Ben Vaughn - exboyfriend of nominator:
"He beat me up. He's also morbidly insane." -kls
Crash - GMU student:
"He won't even look at me since he started dating one of my x's, plus he's just
a tool, what kind of name is "Crash", faggot, dissing me ever since he started
dating her, he doesn't even shower anyways, what a freaking tool, there's your
douche! -James
Meghan - GMU student and exgirlfriend of nominator:
"she cheated on me, i did everything for her, took her out to dinner,
took her wherever she wanted to go and never showed gratitude or affection,
always flirting with other guys while i'm not even allowed to mention a girl.
I'm not allowed to mention an x-girlfriend while she's allowed to talk to hers
and hang out with them." -James
Triloybte - EDITOR OF FLODIS / OVERSEER OF HOE:
"okay well i'm moist and got shoved into vaginas." -self nominated
DOUCHES IN CARS:
One day, a very sleepless day, I went to visit all my friends at GMU. So it
wasn't a surprise that me, ch33z-1t, and tildaq made our way to tower. On the
way there and back we encounter three douches in cars. (One of which was an
EXTREME douche! Unfortunately, we don't have his license plate.) But, we do
have the license plates of the other two douches.
DOUCHE IN A CAR NUMBER ONE: YJP-9523
DOUCHE IN A CAR NUMBER TWO: THE EXTREME DOUCHE!
DOUCHE IN A CAR NUMBER THREE: XYU-3796
SO IF YOU'RE EVER IN THE FAIRFAX AREA AND SEE THESE LISCENCE PLATES, FEEL FREE
TO ROLL DOWN YOUR WINDOW AND LET THESE DOUCHES KNOW THEY WERE NOMINATED AS THE
THREE BIGGEST DOUCHES IN CARS OF 2002 BY ANGSTMONSTER!
THE #ACROMP3 DOUCHE NOMINATIONS:
<girbles> do you have any nominations for biggest douche of 2002
<lb> will you publish the nominee list?
<girbles> yeah
<swissphil> bill o'reilly
<cstone> word i second o'reilly
<lb> I nominate massingail
<lb> for proper contrast
<girbles> you have to give reason's for the different people
<nyar> i nominate karl rove
<cstone> hahahah ha yes
<cstone> karl rove is a huge douche
<lb> shit dudes
<lb> ari fleischer
<swissphil> hahaha
<swissphil> i hate ari fleischer
<swissphil> that fuck
<swissphil> i miss joe lockhart
<nyar> fleisher is just a mouthpiece
<nyar> rove is a true douche
<lb> fleischer is the secretary of lies
<swissphil> but fleisher has a superiority complex
<swissphil> it's ok if you have one but
<lb> but yeah
<swissphil> you're not supposed to SHOW it
<swissphil> when you're press secretary
NOW....
HERE IT IS....
ANGSTMONSTER IS PROUD TO PRESENT YOU WITH THE BIGGEST DOUCHE OF 2002!
WINNING WITH THREE VOTES... THE BIGGEST DOUCHE IS...
ERIC MAJOR!
WHO?
He's this guy I've known since middle school. I didn't nominate him. But find
out who did...
"being wrong about things and then arguing about them" -bobby
"not wanting to watch robin williams" -bj
"for not liking sweden" -ch33z-1t
THERE YOU HAVE IT FOLKS! HOPEFULLY WE'LL GET A RESPONSE FROM THE WINNER AND
WELL SINCE THIS IS THE LAST ISSUE OF ANGSTMONSTER EVER, WE'LL PROBABLY NEVER
BE ABLE TO SHOW YOU HIS RESPONSE TO WINNING. BUT I'M TOO UPSET TO THINK ABOUT
THE END...
HERE'S CH33z-1T TO TAKE US HOME...
_ _ _
| |_| |__ ___ ___ _ __ __| |
| __| '_ \ / _ \ / _ \ '_ \ / _` |
| |_| | | | __/ | __/ | | | (_| |
\__|_| |_|\___| \___|_| |_|\__,_|
(by ch33z-1t)
Well, this is it. You assholes didn't like angstmonster, so it's over. Some
of you might think "Hey well at least they had a good run at it." I saw chomp
pa chewy chewy chomp to that. Angstmonster was the best damn e-zine ever
written. We all owe our life to Gir, and how do you douches repay him? With
not reading it. Or not writing for it. This will be my last writing for this
zine. It will be done now. We weren't getting the rating our promoters wanted
so they decided to pull the plug on this project. I don't know how you people
can sleep at night knowing you could have kept angstmonster up. But not now,
it is too far gone. We at angstmonster are being thrown onto the streets of
Chesterfield with no cell phone, no cable internet access and no silver spoon
to suck on. I don't know about you, but I don't think that is any way to live
life. So there is one thing you people can do to save angstmonster. You have
to mail us. Either gir@angstmonster.org or dave@angstmonster.org and tell us
how much you enjoyed it. Depending on how many we get we will decide whether
to do this again. As for right now. Have a good life with your cell phones
and cable internet. But just remember next time you are downloading porn at
fast speeds, think of me, fucking my hot girlfriend while you are sitting there
with your dick in your hand. Actually I don't want you to think of me fucking
my hot girlfriend when your dick is in your hand. If I catch you doing that,
I'm gonna rip your dick right off.
______ __ _ _ _ _ _ __ __
/ ____| / _| |_ ___ _ __| |_| |__ ___ _ _ __ _| |__ | |_ / /_\ \
/ _| _| | |_| __/ _ \ '__| __| '_ \ / _ \| | | |/ _` | '_ \| __| / __| |
/ __| |___| _| || __/ | | |_| | | | (_) | |_| | (_| | | | | |_| \__ \ |
/_/ |_____|_| \__\___|_| \__|_| |_|\___/ \__,_|\__, |_| |_|\__| |___/ |
|___/ \_\ /_/
Man, figlet is such a fun program. If you don't have it, for the love of all
things you love, seek this program out NOW! You'll need it when angstmonster's
not around to bring you ascii text like we used to. I don't know what else to
say. These last few weeks have been far too much for me. I really wish there
was a way to bring oregano back. That'd set things right in angstmonster land.
But there's not. So remember us at our highest, the sock puppet issue. Let it
rule down on you, like all sock puppets should rule. I'm sorry we couldn't
give you more of the ASCII ANGST LOVING we were working towards putting out in
the world. Our time has come and gone in the blink of an eye.
THIS IS THE END OF ANGSTMONSTER...
THESE ARE THE FINAL WORDS YOU'LL EVER READ FROM OUR PAGES...
ARE YOU READY FOR THAT LAST BIT OF WHAT WE HAVE TO SAY...
ARE YOU SURE?
AFTERALL, THIS LAST EDITION OF ANGSTMONSTER EVER IS A LOT LIKE
WHEN FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 4 WAS THE FINAL CHAPTER.
DO YOU REMEMBER THAT?
WELL?
THEY'RE STILL MAKING FRIDAY THE 13TH MOVIES AREN'T THEY?
SO WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
=]
_____
/ |\ |\ /\ |\ |
\ | | |/ |/ < > |/ | *
/ |_| | | \/ |\ | *
http://www.bubblemonkey.org/cheesencrackers/ !CHEESENCRACKERS!
http://members.optushome.com.au/steak/addendum/ ¿ADDENDUM¿
http://www.neo-comintern.com *THE NEO-COMINTERN*
http://turd.angstmonster.org THE UNDEAD RISE, DAMMIT!
http://www.textscene.com CURRENT TEXTFILE SCENE
http://scene.textfiles.com SCENE.TEXTFILES.COM
?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?
What you have just read was a step into the unknown spontaneous and poorly
edited thoughts for sharing collectively known as "Angstmonster." All thoughts
on the matter can be sent to <gir@angstmonster.org> or you can just visit the
site http://www.angstmonster.org and see what you think. Submissions of all
sorts are welcome! Everything from prose and poetry to rants and opinions,
creative text art, recipes for yummy food, reviews of stuff, etc.
Thanks and enjoy your day...
copywrite 2002 issue 17
angstmonster.org 12.30.02
Feel free to redistribute this document, although no fee can be charged and the
content must not be altered or modified in any way. Unauthorized use of any
part of this document is prohibited. All rights reserved. (and stuff)
