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Angstmonster 28
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* 06.02.03 angstmonster issue 28 *
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¡edited (poorly) by gir¡
knarphie: the new angstmonster just made me shoot coffee out my nose
§+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++¡contents¡++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++§
+ +
+ Brief words from gir +
+ Eba's Guide to Online Emceeing ese.bastardo.amarillo +
+ Plans for a condom grenade bluevillain(cauldhame) +
+ Why it is bad to own stuff peith +
+ The Price of Privacy oregano +
+ +
§+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++¡contents¡++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++§
Anna7Space: no porn downloads
Anna7Space: you can just see the pictures :)
<cstone> Subject: Your $3,000 Computer Is Enclosed
<cstone> lo and behold, there is a $3000 computer attached to the email
<girbles> FWD THAT SHIT TO ME
SerChiller: you probably made the whole internet slow hehe
i am not gir: i tend to do that
<WARH0REZ> ok
<WARH0REZ> that's it
<WARH0REZ> I give up
<WARH0REZ> I admit
<WARH0REZ> Philip K Dick is god
<WARH0REZ> not in the lower case sense
<WARH0REZ> I believe that Philip K dick is actually controlling reality
Akira1988: i feel kind of guilty
Akira1988: i haven't used fruityloops for a long time
Akira1988: yeah, i feel like i'm cheating on fruityloops with reason
Akira1988: and that cubase is some other chick that i
occasionally see that i never call but feel like getting serious with one day
<zhixel> who is whitecomb
whitcomb/#angstmonster is an inflatable subroutine within the matrix
<zhixel> no you're not
<whitcomb> prove it
<whitcomb> there you go
ether grenade: anything making fun of the vdc is a cheap shot
ether grenade: just cause it's so easy
ether grenade: my two month old niece makes fun of the vdc
<zhixel> the bible
<zhixel> is like some kind of holy book
<zhixel> for zombies
jetgirl804: so, estell called me yesterday
jetgirl804: and confirmed......
jetgirl804: that when Canadian people talk
jetgirl804: their heads do come off
---------------
: Brief Words :
: from gir :
---------------
When I read accounts of zombie sex as told by the late Ascii Bat, I thought he
was joking about the speedy gestation period but it turns out, that zombies do
in fact give birth to their offspring at insanely quick rates! After watching
DEAD ALIVE today, I got to experience the miracle of zombie sex and birth
second hand! It was quite an experience.
I personally would like to get in on the experience myself. Especially after
eating the brain of the late Ascii Bat and becoming corrupt with perverse
undead powers. I really think that I would be down for having some raunchy
undead sex. I'm not talking necrophilia, I'm talking getting hooked up with a
downright hot zombie chick and getting a little something something on. So if
you're a really hot zombie chick reading this, we should get together and munch
on a brain or two.
Does it bother anyone else that even with super amazing corrupt perverse zombie
powers all I want to do is hook up and get some? It's like reality itself is
just a scam to hook up... It's like... GIRLS ARE IN ON THE WHOLE MATRIX
THING!
Because the Matrix is completely one hundred percent real! That's one of the
many ways we know that females have a part in it, they are ever confusing and
in order to make us believe that the Matrix is fake, they allowed for the
movies to be made in order to confuse us. After all, girls have been known to
change their minds from time to time! I'm sure they thought it'd be a
crippling tease to suggest that maybe reality is false and we are being
detained by superior artifical intelligence in some sort of false reality, BUT
YOU KNOW WHAT! I'M ON TO THIS WHOLE THING AND I AM GOING TO TELL THE WHOLE
WORLD ABOUT IT BECAUSE NO ONE CAN STOP ME AND YOU'D THINK THAT SINCE THIS IS
THE MATRIX, THE AGENTS WATCHING ME AS I TYPE THIS VERY SENTENCE WOULD CATCH ON
AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT ESPECIALLY SINCE I AM BEING EXTRA CONSPICIOUS TYPING
IN ALL CAPS, BUT NO! GIRLS ARE LIKE THAT! THEY JUST WANNA FUCK WITH OUR
MINDS! THAT'S WHY THEY ALLOWED THEMSELVES TO BE INSERTED INTO THE MATRIX WITH
US SO THAT THEY COULD GAIN AN UPPERHAND BY USING THEIR PREVIOUS KNOWLEDGE OF
THIS FALSE REALITY TO FUCK WITH US! WHY DO YOU THINK TRINITY IS THE BEST HAX0R
TYPE IN THE MATRIX? BECAUSE SHE IS A GIRL AND SHE KNEW ALL ABOUT THE WHOLE
THING BEFORE ANY OF THE MALES WERE LIBERATED!
I promise you this is the truth in the matter of all things. I know this
because I have devoured the brains of a close friend. If you follow in my
footsteps, you too will know the truth concerning our reality. Of course, if
you're a girl, you already know the truth so I'M NOT GOING TO SHARE ANY OF MY
BRAINS WITH YOU! PISS OFF ALREADY!
-------------------------
: Eba's Guide to :
: Online Emceeing :
: by :
: ese.bastardo.amarillo :
-------------------------
Several weeks ago I stumbled onto 'The Battlefield' section of Wu-Tang
Dynasty dot com's forums. The description of the board read: "Do not enter this
forum unless you are lyrically gifted". I thought this pretty funny and
decided to waste some time. I looked through each post's topic and picked one
out of the blue since they were all pretty much non-descriptive; the post was
'VISION: BLINDED', which I assumed meant a member named 'Vision' was defeated
lyrically, "cleverly" metaphorically "blinded."
The post, being written by the member 'Allahuakbar' (Akbar for short),
contained a somewhat long and cumbersome rhyme against someone I wasn't clear
was 'Vision'. I had expected a more vicious or at least intelligent rap on a
forum dedicated to the greatest rap group of all time. Akbar's rhyme consisted
of pretty much words that rhymed; no heart, no soul. Now if you're a fan of the
WTC you'll be able to identify that this negro was biting their style. And
badly, at that. If I was asked to write a rhyme as Akbar, it would go like
this:
"I'm the revolution,
evolution,
convolution,
fusion of the muse'n
I be speakin,
creepin,
seepin,
your style is weakenin..."
You get the picture.
Anyway, Akbar's actual post went as so:
Sun
that name holds water
the living body being of those martyred
Those slaughtered
defending honor
and sons and daughters
plus wife
trust life
ain't how you see it
let me give you real VISION, peep it:
In the last days
the last sage
of the first age
is challenged by stoned age
heathenistic
animalistic
Stoned faced
demonistic
pagenist
No faced
disease bidden
follower's of the forbidden...
Now scope Sun holding sword in hand
And understand
that the time of the Lord's at hand...
Now witness the children playing
the women praying
to Amon Ra
and
the Evil One soothe saying...
now analyze the sword swingin'
hoards of demons
schemin'
on how to stop that
STOP.....
now behold
Sun sword blinding Visions,
empower livin'
incision
through front torso, and out back
WATCH..
the peasants notice
from out the golden lotus
a bloom of roses
in which one stands and poses
his words are spoken
"Keep on wishing hopin'
and those who only showboatin
will be cut open
and their blood flowin'
down the river path..
WAIT
vision the example cut open
kicked the horse of trojan
disappear like roman
history,
this mystery
poem
hopin
to save the rest from the blood bath!"
PEACE
To read his entire post would be suicide, so at the 'Quick Reply' form
at the bottom I started typing my own rhyme against him. I didn't actually care
that his raps sucked huge gorilla ass, but it WAS fun writing that stuff
because it was so simple to be better then him at it. About 3 minutes later I
had effortlessly concocted this battle rhyme:
-----------------------BEGIN REPLY BY EBA (ME)-------------------------
Yo Akbar you betta check yoself nigga. EBA on da mic now fool.
Judgment Day is herre. heh
Yo, check it
You think you got skill you just spoutin off words
What you be speakin is some shit i done heard
from some 5 year old kid tryin to be "Like Mike"
I'm ridin in da benz, you still on your sistaz bike
Shit kid, Ill go easy on you now, its pitty
Cause no one fuck with me with rhymes that shitty
Come to my hood get the kids to beat your ass,
Cuz if I did it like that the fight'd be over too fast
Put you in a body cast, motherfucker its a wrap,
Better consult your fuckin lawyer before you try another rap
-------------------------END REPLY BY EBA (ME)--------------------------
Yeah, it's no Shakespeare, but comeon, at least it had a small amount
of cohesiveness; now that I read over it again it looks pretty stupid. Oh well!
The following days I waited for his reply, but found nothing! My first thought
was that I had mentally scarred him for life and he could no longer bear the
thought of living and therefore committed suicide. Although my predictions were
inaccurate, his next post DID suggest he was born with the mind of a 5-year-old.
--------------------------BEGIN REPLY BY AKBAR--------------------------
Ummm.... yeah... get at me...
I don't know you.
you Popped out of nowhere...
I will still blow you.
What is EBA
eBitch and Associates ?
This S-U-N
a Slaughter U Now promotions hit
But I got love for you
Still, i got slugs for you.
beetlejuice MC, got anti bug for you
Call me Mr. Orkin Man
Beef ? I put fork in man
Who the fuck is you ?
besides a dork in land
of a thousand drums that's snap necks
And this verse is the opposite of death threat
Meanin I give you life
gift...: I give you mic
gift...: I let you write
All i ask in return is that you try to sound tight
If RZA stutter speaks
then I perform typo feat:
Sucl Mi Dicl
And then you can tenderize my meat
Beat feet the other way
And let you older brother play
I know you have something to say
but save it for another day
another time
another place
preferably never
and nowhere is the better place
stay there forever
Take heed to my post
Don't want me to go postal
And leave you like ghost
Buster I'll toast you
Cheers !!!!
---------------------------END REPLY BY AKBAR---------------------------
Let me dissect this: first off on the fourth line he says he can
"still blow" me. Hmmm...well now that I mention it he does give good head.
Then he tries to figure out what 'EBA' stands for, and comes up with "eBitches
and Associates". Come on, "Edna Bites Apricots" or "Every Boy's Asshole" or
SOMETHING would have been better then that. I'll skip all the other stuff and
leave it to you to decipher. I will admit this one was a lot better then his
previous attempts.
I checked his post out at school and was therefore unable to reply, so
I got out some paper and began to write my longest, greatest work of rhyme
ever!
A couple days later I found out I was banned from the Wu-Tang Dynasty's
entire website (including the forums), and couldn't reply. And so it ended...
What amazes me about online emceeing is that it takes no talent
whatsoever, especially against the idiotic people who actually participate in
it (myself included). For one, unlike *real* freestyle battling, you have no
idea what the person looks like so the only things you can rap about are "I am
a better a rapper then you are, bitch!!" and the ever classic long list of
rhyming words that have no relevance to the actual person you're talking about,
made popular by Allahuakbar.
Also, with *real* MC battling, you simultaneously come up with the
rhymes from scratch in seconds timing, while online you have hours, maybe even
days like Akbar did to write (or steal or copy or...) a couple lines!
So ends this deadly medley of...ah screw it. PEACE.
Contact: tank_uddf@yahoo.com
------------------------------
: Plans for a condom grenade :
: by bluevillain(cauldhame) :
------------------------------
I. Intro:
Inspired by the Molotov Cocktail.. We bring you: The Condom Grenade. Why use
a condom? Well not only are condoms much more easier to obtain than bottles
they are also very flexible and elastic. The Condom Grenade was originally
engineered to take out enemy terrorists...I must warn you though.. Many a
men have been killed with the use of the deadly condom grenade!
II. Materials:
1. Condom: (Try to obtain the thickest ones you can get.. obviously do not
buy extra sensitive because they are too thin for use in creating the
condom grenade)
2. Gasoline, Nail Polish Remover, or any other highly flammable substance.
3. Wick ( Or one of those non-glossed yo-yo strings)
4. Plastic Bag
III. Creation:
1. Grab 1 non - used condom and get it fully unrolled & stretched out.
2. Fill the condom 3/5 of the way with your highly-flammable liquid.
3. Insert the wick. Make sure it is about atleast a good 10 inches. If you
have no which soak a non-glossed yo-yo string in gasoline. If you choose to
use a yo-yo string make sure it is about 20 inches because gasoline soaked
string tends to burn fast.
4. With the wick/string & gasoline inside tie the condom. Make sure you
tie it good!
5. You can be as creative as you wish with the 5th step. I like to put my
condom-grenade in a ralphs or rite-aid plastic bag with the wick sticking
out.
IV. USE:
..Assuming that you placed your c.g. in a thin plastic bag, light the wick
and toss at terrorist/friend.
------------------------------
: Why it is bad to own stuff :
: by peith :
------------------------------
If you know who I am, read what I have written, or are aware of my
interests, you might have a clue that I am one of those cliche revolutionary
wannabe's that goes around yelling about how material wealth is stupid and
you should invest in your happiness blah blah blah. A few days ago I moved
back home with my parents from a few semesters in a dorm room. To my
surprise/delight, my mom decided to finish the basement and let me live down
there in a room that is about 15X10. Its really cool and all, but the
problem I have is fitting all my shit in here. The first few days when all
my junk was still packed up in boxes in the attic, this room could have been
displayed in a mental health magazine or an Ikea ad. Today I had to go
through all that junk and get it in here. Now, right as I'm going to bed,
my desk is cluttered, I've got clothes all over the floor up to my bed, and
I'm going to have a shitty Monday waking up to this. Its not that I'm a
neat freak, but I'm in close quarters with all this crap that I own. I
never touch most of it.
I come to this conclusion. Once a week, throw something away. Give it to
someone who can use it. Sell it on ebay. Throw it off a bridge. Tie
firecrackers to it and blow it up. Run over it with your car. Smash it
against your forehead/knee. Put it down the kitchen sink and turn the
garbage disposal. Play fetch with your dog with it. Just get rid of
something. Lighten your load as you go through life. You don't have to
carry the bare minimum, but don't carry an excess. My two cents, brought to
you by Angstmonster.
------------------------
: The Price of Privacy :
: by oregano :
------------------------
Prelude
Jamesy and Amy hurtled through the air at 50 miles per hour, the angry city
of Chicago whizzed by below their feet. The CTA train zipped through the
neighborhoods faster than any car could, passing over traffic jams and red
lights and stop signs, 50,000 pounds of metal screeching on hot rails.
Jamesy turned to Amy and said, "When we get there, we have to get inside
oregano's apartment. It is something you really have to see. But he is all
private so it will be a struggle."
Amy replied, "What is so great about it? Who cares?"
"No, really, you have to see it, you will not believe it."
"Is it some sort of mansion?"
"No."
"Super dirty?"
"Amy, just trust me, you have to see it so do anything you can to get us
inside oregano's apartment, no matter what he says."
The train continued rumbling and shaking as it plowed down the tracks
towards it final destination.
oregano was laying on his bed staring at the ceiling, the Cubs game on the
radio, but oregano was not paying attention, he was waiting for the call from
Amy and Jamesy announcing that they had arrived at his apartment. It was to be
a day of showing people around the known center of the universe, Evanston.
oregano laid patiently, like a hen, and then, finally, the phone rang.
"It's me, Jamesy, buzz us in and we'll come up."
oregano replied, "I'll come down, stay there, it will just be a sec."
Outside the building Jamesy said to Amy, "Well, that did not work, we did
not get to get inside to see his apartment, I had to take a try at least. We
have to think quick or he will steer us away from the apartment all together."
oregano took the elevator down and opened the door and went outside.
Amy spoke up, "Hey, oregano, I need to use your phone."
oregano said, "But you two called me on a cell phone."
"Yeah, but the battery is dead and I really need to call my mom."
oregano thought for a moment then said, "Good thing I have a 2.4 Gigahertz
phone, I will go get it."
While oregano was gone Jamesy turned to Amy and said, "Confound it, he is
too slippery. But wait till he gets back, I will get into that apartment one
way or another."
oregano returned with the phone and handed it to Amy who walked a little
way off and pretended to make a call to her mom. And while she did that Jamesy
said, "oregano, that was a rough train ride out here to Evanston (this Earthly
paradise) and I need to vacate my bladder, is it okay to go up and use your
toilet?"
oregano saw that this might be coming and explained how he was currently
bleaching his toilet and that flushing it right now would mean all that work so
far would be for naught having to start over. Jamsey flashed Amy a look of
disappointment. She got off the fake phone call with her mother and said,
"oregano, my thirst is parched, perhaps you can afford a cup of water for a
weary traveler?"
oregano replied, "sorry I don't have any glasses or cups."
Amy said, "well I can come up and drink from the sink's spigot."
oregano said, "Let me go see what I can do."
He then went up in the elevator. Amy turned to Jamesy and said, "I think we
have exhausted our options if he comes down with a frying pan full of water."
oregano did come down, but it was with a can of seltzer water, which he
proudly handed to Amy in what he thought was her time of need.
Amy looked at Jamesy and Jamesy looked at Amy and both laughed and then
Jamesy said, "Lets go get some pancakes."
æææææææææææææææææææ
æ Æfterthought(s) æ
æææææææææææææææææaæ
Friends I am worried. It has been brought to my attention that the world's
attention has been stolen by two dark and evil forces: ninjas and pirates.
Riding on a wave of cool, ninjas and pirates are infiltrating our culture at
an alarming rate. One would think that the peglegs of a pirate would make it
difficult to blend in with society, but where pirates fail, ninjas use their
extra special super powers of stealthiness to blend in. From teaching in
elementary schools, to selling records and renting videos, ninjas of varying
degree of skill have taken hold of important cultural positions and have no
intentions of giving them back. While pirates use their powers of treachery
and piracy to do evil pirate like things, we sit back and allow it all to
happen as part of a trendy movement of cool.
But I'm going to let you in on a little secret, NINJAS AND PIRATES ARE PLANNING
TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD AND MAKE IT VERY UNSAFE FOR HAMSTERS AND LASERS. DON'T
BELIEVE ME? WELL WE KNOW THIS FOR A FACT BECAUSE ANGSTMONSTER EMPLOYS A NINJA!
Not all ninjas are bad, in fact there are some very nice, kind cookie eating
ninja types. For instance, the ninja here at angstmonster (who shall remain
nameless for his protection) like cookies a lot. Sometimes he'll come visit me
with a batch of homemade chocolate chip ninja cookies which are shaped like
throwing stars. Should he need to, said ninja could destroy an army of evil
robots with a single batch! And what's even better, they taste just like your
mom's homemade cookies! DOUBLEPLUSGOOD EXCITEMENT ALL AROUND!
So this cookie baking ninja we employed once revealed to us the
DOUBLEPLUSSECRET PLAN of ninjas and pirates. For a long time we didn't believe
it was so because he was awfully drunk that night and for all we knew he was
making it up to throw us off. Unknown to the public for a long time, certain
members of angstmonster have been taught anti-ninja and anti-pirate fighting
styles should the great revolt and infiltration of the ninja pirate alliance
ever occur.
While the angstmonster plan for averting ninja and pirate domination must be
kept on the down low, our trusty readers, the loyalists to the cause, friends
of the society to bitch smack ninjas and pirates, can know that the only way to
stop such an upheaval and shift of societal power is with hamsters and lasers.
It is no coincidence then, that at the end of this month, angstmonster will be
releasing a very special theme issue dedicated to the power, shock, and awe of
hamsters and lasers. We invite you, regardless of your inclination to ninjas
and pirates to contribute to said issue. It's not like it has anything to do
with ninja and pirate backlash. No harm intended what so ever...
BUT IT'S NOT LIKE YOU CAN WALK INTO A PET STORE AND BUY A NINJA OR A PIRATE!
AND LAST I WAS IN A PETSTORE CHECKING OUT THE HAMSTERS, THEY WERE NONE TO BE
FOUND! HAMSTERS ARE SO POPULAR THAT THE PETSTORES CAN NOT KEEP THEIR SUPPLIES
PROPERLY STOCKED! COME JUNE 30TH, YOU NINJAS AND PIRATES ARE GOING TO SEE THE
TRUTH AND REALIZE, YOU'RE RETREAT IS IMMINENT!
_____
/ |\ |\ /\ |\ |
\ | | |/ |/ < > |/ | *
/ |_| | | \/ |\ | *
FRIENDS:
http://www.bubblemonkey.org/cheesencrackers/ !CHEESENCRACKERS!
http://www.neo-comintern.com *THE NEO-COMINTERN*
http://www.textscene.com CURRENT TEXTFILE SCENE
OTHER THINGS WE DO:
http://www.angstmonster.org/txt/turd THE UNDEAD RISE, DAMMIT!
http://www.angstmonster.org/txt/il +iMPULSE LAMEALITY+
?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?
What you have just read was a step into the unknown spontaneous and poorly
edited thoughts for sharing collectively known as "Angstmonster." All thoughts
on the matter can be sent to <gir@angstmonster.org> or you can just visit the
site http://www.angstmonster.org and see what you think. Submissions of all
sorts are welcome! Everything from prose and poetry to rants and opinions,
creative text art, recipes for yummy food, reviews of stuff, etc.
Thanks and enjoy your day...
copy-spwep 2003 issue 28
angstmonster.org 06.02.03
Feel free to redistribute this document, although no fee can be charged and the
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